Could you be with a man who cheated

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I must correct a major flaw in this entire thread. Most so-called “cheating men” do so because they are in a sexless marriage with an uninterested wife. In which case, it is totally expected and normal and healthy that he is going elsewhere for sex. THAT is not a red flag for future relationships at all. Quite the opposite. If he’s NOT having sex elsewhere, THAT is a major red flag that he is an abnormal low libido male whom you definitely never date.

Hate to tell you but my X is a sex addict but sex with me (I offered it often) was not what he needed to fulfill his addiction, so it’s NOT always bc of a sexless marriage that men cheat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it really depends on the situation. I have two girlfriends who cheated on their husbands because they were in sexless marriages. One had a fling and one had an affair. Both spent years (well over half a decade) before and after the affairs trying desperately to make things work.

Neither of them was a coward or has a moral defect. They both tried to deal with their problems directly and honestly, both insisted on therapy and did their part to fix what they could on their end, both begged their husbands to try to make things work. Neither wanted to end their marriage. But in the end, neither of them could live without any intimacy in their lives (on top of other problems, which generally exist when one partner checks out of having sex in a marriage).

I don't think either would cheat in a future relationship.

12:39 here. You expressed it far more concisely than I did. It was when I no longer had intimacy (and I'm not talking about sex) in my marriage that I understood why people cheat.

If I were single, knowing what I know now, I wouldn't immediately discount someone who cheated. It depends on the circumstances.

[Anonymous]

I had a college roommate whose mother had a neurological disorder. Her mother had to be placed in a nursing home with my friend was 16 at the time. Her mother got progressively worse and, in addition to being physically incapacitated, was also mentally incapacitated by the time we were in our 2nd year at college. Two years after that, her father started dating another woman.

My roommate struggled initially but accepted the woman in her father's life. Her mother sometimes recognized them but mostly didn't. With all the kids out of the house, her father was lonely and wanted companionship. I can't blame him. I give him props for not dating sooner and for caring for her until she died.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I must correct a major flaw in this entire thread. Most so-called “cheating men” do so because they are in a sexless marriage with an uninterested wife. In which case, it is totally expected and normal and healthy that he is going elsewhere for sex. THAT is not a red flag for future relationships at all. Quite the opposite. If he’s NOT having sex elsewhere, THAT is a major red flag that he is an abnormal low libido male whom you definitely never date.

Hate to tell you but my X is a sex addict but sex with me (I offered it often) was not what he needed to fulfill his addiction, so it’s NOT always bc of a sexless marriage that men cheat.

But....it mostly is. You can't apply "always" to any situation as there are all different kinds of people. But cheating is nearly always about getting needs met that are not being met.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a college roommate whose mother had a neurological disorder. Her mother had to be placed in a nursing home with my friend was 16 at the time. Her mother got progressively worse and, in addition to being physically incapacitated, was also mentally incapacitated by the time we were in our 2nd year at college. Two years after that, her father started dating another woman.

My roommate struggled initially but accepted the woman in her father's life. Her mother sometimes recognized them but mostly didn't. With all the kids out of the house, her father was lonely and wanted companionship. I can't blame him. I give him props for not dating sooner and for caring for her until she died.

BTDT. Until you are in that situation, you have no idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I must correct a major flaw in this entire thread. Most so-called “cheating men” do so because they are in a sexless marriage with an uninterested wife. In which case, it is totally expected and normal and healthy that he is going elsewhere for sex. THAT is not a red flag for future relationships at all. Quite the opposite. If he’s NOT having sex elsewhere, THAT is a major red flag that he is an abnormal low libido male whom you definitely never date.

Hate to tell you but my X is a sex addict but sex with me (I offered it often) was not what he needed to fulfill his addiction, so it’s NOT always bc of a sexless marriage that men cheat.

But....it mostly is. You can't apply "always" to any situation as there are all different kinds of people. But cheating is nearly always about getting needs met that are not being met.

Cheating is 100 percent always about the cheater. I was a great wife, friend and lover. My XH would say that now, if asked, and he has no reason after all this time to be complimentary to me as we have no children. He had issues that he had to sort out and it wasn't about me or lack or sex (because we had lots of hot sex) at all. Cheaters' cheating is about the cheater.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it really depends on the situation. I have two girlfriends who cheated on their husbands because they were in sexless marriages. One had a fling and one had an affair. Both spent years (well over half a decade) before and after the affairs trying desperately to make things work.

Neither of them was a coward or has a moral defect. They both tried to deal with their problems directly and honestly, both insisted on therapy and did their part to fix what they could on their end, both begged their husbands to try to make things work. Neither wanted to end their marriage. But in the end, neither of them could live without any intimacy in their lives (on top of other problems, which generally exist when one partner checks out of having sex in a marriage).

I don't think either would cheat in a future relationship.

These girlfriends just should have divorced their husbands instead of cheating. The outcome is the same but now they have cheated as well. This reinforces that cheating isn’t the answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I must correct a major flaw in this entire thread. Most so-called “cheating men” do so because they are in a sexless marriage with an uninterested wife. In which case, it is totally expected and normal and healthy that he is going elsewhere for sex. THAT is not a red flag for future relationships at all. Quite the opposite. If he’s NOT having sex elsewhere, THAT is a major red flag that he is an abnormal low libido male whom you definitely never date.

Hate to tell you but my X is a sex addict but sex with me (I offered it often) was not what he needed to fulfill his addiction, so it’s NOT always bc of a sexless marriage that men cheat.

I never said ALWAYS. I said MOST. For every true cheating situation like yours, there are 10 uninterested wives who are “shocked” to learn that men need more than a monthly starfish performance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:New poster here. Would you consider dating a person (woman or man) who cheated on their spouse, and then subsequently left the spouse and their children (moving to a physically distant state) to pursue a possible new life with the affair party. Their relationship with the affair partner did not work out, and this person is currently dating a friend. What advice would you give a friend in this type of relationship situation?

No way. I would tell my friend to take the blinders off and get out of that relationship.

Any person, man or woman, who would leave their spouse, and especially their children behind and move far away to be with an affair partner is morally flawed and psychogically damaged. No rationale they offer up (not enough intimacy, support, or emotional connection) justifies abandoning their children, and leaving their spouse to raise them alone.

[Anonymous]

I would absolutely never date a cheater. As said, once a cheater always a cheater. I should know as my father was one such chronic cheater. Cheated on my mom, all my several stepmoms, and his now-girlfriend. Any friend I have ever had who was a cheater, was a chronic cheater, with compromised morals on the subject of infidelity.

Not happy with your sex life? Tough it out or break up/divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would absolutely never date a cheater. As said, once a cheater always a cheater. I should know as my father was one such chronic cheater. Cheated on my mom, all my several stepmoms, and his now-girlfriend. Any friend I have ever had who was a cheater, was a chronic cheater, with compromised morals on the subject of infidelity.

Not happy with your sex life? Tough it out or break up/divorce.

Don't want sex with your spouse? Break up/divorce or accept infidelity.

[Anonymous]

I would consider the circumstances. Some of those described above (wife incapacitated) are not cheating in my book.

The debate about whether people cheat because of lack of sex is useless. Of course, some do, some don't and your personal circumstance is irrelevant. I absolutely know someone who cheats constantly on his wife and it has zero to do with his home sex life. And another whose wife shuts him out completely and has found a woman in a similar situation, they have a severe special needs kid and leaving isn't so easy.

I don't judge until I walk a mile in their shoes.

[Anonymous]

Oh I see angry sexless guy has shown up on this thread! Shocking.

No. Like most women, I would never date a cheater. Cheaters make an intentional choice to disrespect their partners by lying and concealing their activities because they are too cowardly to use their words and communicate their issues with their spouse.
They are cowards who choose a passive-aggressive approach to marital communication.
In a sexless marriage? Get a divorce. Don't want a divorce? Tell your spouse "I don't want a divorce, and I need to end this abstinence. I'm going to look outside the marriage for sex."

If you aren't capable of this, you are NOT a mature enough partner for a healthy relationship. Accept it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh I see angry sexless guy has shown up on this thread! Shocking.

No. Like most women, I would never date a cheater. Cheaters make an intentional choice to disrespect their partners by lying and concealing their activities because they are too cowardly to use their words and communicate their issues with their spouse.
They are cowards who choose a passive-aggressive approach to marital communication.
In a sexless marriage? Get a divorce. Don't want a divorce? Tell your spouse "I don't want a divorce, and I need to end this abstinence. I'm going to look outside the marriage for sex."

If you aren't capable of this, you are NOT a mature enough partner for a healthy relationship. Accept it.

Are you married and don't want a normal active sex life with your spouse? Get a divorce. Don't want a divorce? Then look the other way.

The entitlement of some people is shocking. Sorry, but just No: you do not get to stay sexlessly married AND call your normal libido partner a cheater for saving YOUR marriage by getting sex elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

I think what Angry Sexless Dude is missing here is that many cheaters are actually getting regular sex from their partners, but they are turned on by the deception of cheater sex.

This is why I would never date a cheater - they've not only demonstrated a talent for lying and gaslighting, but they are also people whose "kink" is lying. Just as I'd not date someone who can only get off through cuckolding or BDSM, I won't date someone whose kink is being the excitement of the lie.