Could you be with a man who cheated

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think what Angry Sexless Dude is missing here is that many cheaters are actually getting regular sex from their partners, but they are turned on by the deception of cheater sex.

This is why I would never date a cheater - they've not only demonstrated a talent for lying and gaslighting, but they are also people whose "kink" is lying. Just as I'd not date someone who can only get off through cuckolding or BDSM, I won't date someone whose kink is being the excitement of the lie.

I think you are not paying attention to what I’ve actually posted and ignoring well publicized facts. I readily acknowledged SOME men with an active married sex life also cheat. But that is a tiny tiny fraction of men. The VAST majority of married men cheaters do so because of insufficient sex at home. Any threads (like this) which speak in broad terms about cheating men MUST consider the majority are sexless marriages (ie, not cheating).

Let’s assume you are correct. The discussion here is about whether people would date a man who had cheated. The consensus has been that people wouldn’t. If he was ‘forced’ to cheat due to his spouse’s sexual rejection, people would question his ability to deal with marital issues in a mature way. You’re focused on the reason for cheating while everyone else is concerned about the emotional maturity of a partner. What happens if there’s some other kind of problem in the marriage. Is he going to cheat rather than communicate with his spouse/partner?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:New poster here. Would you consider dating a person (woman or man) who cheated on their spouse, and then subsequently left the spouse and their children (moving to a physically distant state) to pursue a possible new life with the affair party. Their relationship with the affair partner did not work out, and this person is currently dating a friend. What advice would you give a friend in this type of relationship situation?

No way. I would tell my friend to take the blinders off and get out of that relationship.

Any person, man or woman, who would leave their spouse, and especially their children behind and move far away to be with an affair partner is morally flawed and psychogically damaged. No rationale they offer up (not enough intimacy, support, or emotional connection) justifies abandoning their children, and leaving their spouse to raise them alone.

Co-parenting while divorced is not leaving a spouse to raise kids alone. It is leaving the spouse only.

How do you co-parent when living far away from your kids?

[Anonymous]

I always felt "cheater" was not a strong enough adjective for someone doing the deed. "Betrayer", if a legitimate word is more appropriate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think what Angry Sexless Dude is missing here is that many cheaters are actually getting regular sex from their partners, but they are turned on by the deception of cheater sex.

This is why I would never date a cheater - they've not only demonstrated a talent for lying and gaslighting, but they are also people whose "kink" is lying. Just as I'd not date someone who can only get off through cuckolding or BDSM, I won't date someone whose kink is being the excitement of the lie.

I think you are not paying attention to what I’ve actually posted and ignoring well publicized facts. I readily acknowledged SOME men with an active married sex life also cheat. But that is a tiny tiny fraction of men. The VAST majority of married men cheaters do so because of insufficient sex at home. Any threads (like this) which speak in broad terms about cheating men MUST consider the majority are sexless marriages (ie, not cheating).

Let’s assume you are correct. The discussion here is about whether people would date a man who had cheated. The consensus has been that people wouldn’t. If he was ‘forced’ to cheat due to his spouse’s sexual rejection, people would question his ability to deal with marital issues in a mature way. You’re focused on the reason for cheating while everyone else is concerned about the emotional maturity of a partner. What happens if there’s some other kind of problem in the marriage. Is he going to cheat rather than communicate with his spouse/partner?

+1000. So on point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think what Angry Sexless Dude is missing here is that many cheaters are actually getting regular sex from their partners, but they are turned on by the deception of cheater sex.

This is why I would never date a cheater - they've not only demonstrated a talent for lying and gaslighting, but they are also people whose "kink" is lying. Just as I'd not date someone who can only get off through cuckolding or BDSM, I won't date someone whose kink is being the excitement of the lie.

I think you are not paying attention to what I’ve actually posted and ignoring well publicized facts. I readily acknowledged SOME men with an active married sex life also cheat. But that is a tiny tiny fraction of men. The VAST majority of married men cheaters do so because of insufficient sex at home. Any threads (like this) which speak in broad terms about cheating men MUST consider the majority are sexless marriages (ie, not cheating).

Let’s assume you are correct. The discussion here is about whether people would date a man who had cheated. The consensus has been that people wouldn’t. If he was ‘forced’ to cheat due to his spouse’s sexual rejection, people would question his ability to deal with marital issues in a mature way. You’re focused on the reason for cheating while everyone else is concerned about the emotional maturity of a partner. What happens if there’s some other kind of problem in the marriage. Is he going to cheat rather than communicate with his spouse/partner?

All of this. I might mess around with someone who had cheated, but I'd never look to build a future with that person, because they've already demonstrated what they will do if things get hard. There are a million reasons a man might not get laid for some period of time, and I don't want to build my future with someone who will cheat if I get sick, or we're forced by work or family responsibilities to be apart for a few months, or if we just hit kind of a lull in the middle of many years of regular relations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think what Angry Sexless Dude is missing here is that many cheaters are actually getting regular sex from their partners, but they are turned on by the deception of cheater sex.

This is why I would never date a cheater - they've not only demonstrated a talent for lying and gaslighting, but they are also people whose "kink" is lying. Just as I'd not date someone who can only get off through cuckolding or BDSM, I won't date someone whose kink is being the excitement of the lie.

I think you are not paying attention to what I’ve actually posted and ignoring well publicized facts. I readily acknowledged SOME men with an active married sex life also cheat. But that is a tiny tiny fraction of men. The VAST majority of married men cheaters do so because of insufficient sex at home. Any threads (like this) which speak in broad terms about cheating men MUST consider the majority are sexless marriages (ie, not cheating).

Let’s assume you are correct. The discussion here is about whether people would date a man who had cheated. The consensus has been that people wouldn’t. If he was ‘forced’ to cheat due to his spouse’s sexual rejection, people would question his ability to deal with marital issues in a mature way. You’re focused on the reason for cheating while everyone else is concerned about the emotional maturity of a partner. What happens if there’s some other kind of problem in the marriage. Is he going to cheat rather than communicate with his spouse/partner?

And I argue that saving a sexless marriage (by going elsewhere for sex) is a VERY mature way to handle it. The only alternative, divorce, clearly is not what the sexless wife wants, and not what the normal libido husband wants. It would be immature to blow up a marriage (against both spouses's wishes) over something unimportant like sex.

As to your assertion that sexless marriage cheating is a sign of failure to communicate: do you seriously believe that a sexless wife DOES NOT KNOW her husband needs more sex?

[Anonymous]

Not enough context here. How do you know he cheated on his wife, were you his AP? If so, how could you ever trust him? I might lean towards there being a possibility for "some" type of change if he had a one night fling and felt deep remorse for it, but if it was a full-on affair, definitely not. Those types of duplicitous men never change, not themselves anyway, they just keep changing women. Even if he claims the marriage was sexless it's not good enough. He loved that woman at some point so she at least deserves to be divorced first without the emotional pain of an affair.

He learned how? Most cheaters tell you whatever they think you need to hear in order to get you in bed with them. Then as soon as the fun dries up and the relationship starts to feel like work (the same type of work he had with his wife) then he's on to the next thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:New poster here. Would you consider dating a person (woman or man) who cheated on their spouse, and then subsequently left the spouse and their children (moving to a physically distant state) to pursue a possible new life with the affair party. Their relationship with the affair partner did not work out, and this person is currently dating a friend. What advice would you give a friend in this type of relationship situation?

No way. I would tell my friend to take the blinders off and get out of that relationship.

Any person, man or woman, who would leave their spouse, and especially their children behind and move far away to be with an affair partner is morally flawed and psychogically damaged. No rationale they offer up (not enough intimacy, support, or emotional connection) justifies abandoning their children, and leaving their spouse to raise them alone.

Co-parenting while divorced is not leaving a spouse to raise kids alone. It is leaving the spouse only.

How do you co-parent when living far away from your kids?

“Alexa, please coparent Maddox.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not enough context here. How do you know he cheated on his wife, were you his AP? If so, how could you ever trust him? I might lean towards there being a possibility for "some" type of change if he had a one night fling and felt deep remorse for it, but if it was a full-on affair, definitely not. Those types of duplicitous men never change, not themselves anyway, they just keep changing women. Even if he claims the marriage was sexless it's not good enough. He loved that woman at some point so she at least deserves to be divorced first without the emotional pain of an affair.

He learned how? Most cheaters tell you whatever they think you need to hear in order to get you in bed with them. Then as soon as the fun dries up and the relationship starts to feel like work (the same type of work he had with his wife) then he's on to the next thing.

I agree with this. Context isn’t intended to judge the excuse for the sin; rather to further evaluate for flags that are red (or green). In my opinion, someone has to be a pretty strong candidate out the gate to even consider this, without compromise in values.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:New poster here. Would you consider dating a person (woman or man) who cheated on their spouse, and then subsequently left the spouse and their children (moving to a physically distant state) to pursue a possible new life with the affair party. Their relationship with the affair partner did not work out, and this person is currently dating a friend. What advice would you give a friend in this type of relationship situation?

No way. I would tell my friend to take the blinders off and get out of that relationship.

Any person, man or woman, who would leave their spouse, and especially their children behind and move far away to be with an affair partner is morally flawed and psychogically damaged. No rationale they offer up (not enough intimacy, support, or emotional connection) justifies abandoning their children, and leaving their spouse to raise them alone.

Co-parenting while divorced is not leaving a spouse to raise kids alone. It is leaving the spouse only.

Uh huh. Says the person who believes a five minute daily call to ask about a school day and four days a month visits constitutes "parenting." I call BS.

[Anonymous]

Angry sexless dude is probably a lot like my STBX. He treated me very poorly outside the bedroom and never engaged in foreplay. Then he couldn’t figure out why I wasn’t in the mood. He finally told me he was tired of putting energy into coercing me into having sex. I asked him why he didn’t put any effort into being nice to me and making me want to have sex and he didn’t really have an answer for that. He’d tell you that I have a low libido. I have a normal libido, but got used to tcb by myself because I couldn’t stand STBX. If you’re a terrible spouse outside the bedroom and mediocre in the bedroom, you’re going to end up in a sexless marriage, but you’ll probably blame it on your spouse and then rationalize your cheating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I always felt "cheater" was not a strong enough adjective for someone doing the deed. "Betrayer", if a legitimate word is more appropriate.

This is on point with recent (in the last 20 years or so) research in psychology that demonstrates that infidelity is a kind of "betrayal trauma" that often results in complex PTSD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:New poster here. Would you consider dating a person (woman or man) who cheated on their spouse, and then subsequently left the spouse and their children (moving to a physically distant state) to pursue a possible new life with the affair party. Their relationship with the affair partner did not work out, and this person is currently dating a friend. What advice would you give a friend in this type of relationship situation?

No way. I would tell my friend to take the blinders off and get out of that relationship.

Any person, man or woman, who would leave their spouse, and especially their children behind and move far away to be with an affair partner is morally flawed and psychogically damaged. No rationale they offer up (not enough intimacy, support, or emotional connection) justifies abandoning their children, and leaving their spouse to raise them alone.

Co-parenting while divorced is not leaving a spouse to raise kids alone. It is leaving the spouse only.

How do you co-parent when living far away from your kids?

Don’t live far from your kids! What a silly question!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Angry sexless dude is probably a lot like my STBX. He treated me very poorly outside the bedroom and never engaged in foreplay. Then he couldn’t figure out why I wasn’t in the mood. He finally told me he was tired of putting energy into coercing me into having sex. I asked him why he didn’t put any effort into being nice to me and making me want to have sex and he didn’t really have an answer for that. He’d tell you that I have a low libido. I have a normal libido, but got used to tcb by myself because I couldn’t stand STBX. If you’re a terrible spouse outside the bedroom and mediocre in the bedroom, you’re going to end up in a sexless marriage, but you’ll probably blame it on your spouse and then rationalize your cheating.

Why did you remain married to a jerk who treated you poorly and was not even nice? And why on earth did you date (let alone marry) a man who’s only “mediocre” in bed? Your story does not add up here. More important question: under those conditions, why would you expect a man to be monogamous with a platonic room mate who can’t stand him? You really consider that “cheating”?

[Anonymous]

Who would purposely choose a cheater? It's one thing if you don't know a person's past, but to think, oh, he's a cheater, but he definitely won't cheat on me is absurd.