Could you be with a man who cheated

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hell to the no. Broken moral compass = dealbreaker. I would also not believe the whole being "very sorry" about it.

+1. Exactly right.....hell to the no. No, nada, non, niente.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't many people who are cheated on feel they get a free pass to do the same? That's what I've seen...

Sometimes, yes. My mom had a fling after my dad cheated on her (once? Twice? More than that? I don't know). But as far as I know my husband has remained faithful to me even though I cheated)

[Anonymous]

He cheated on his wife?

How old was he??
We need to understand context in order to provide you w/an acceptable answer.

[Anonymous]

Nope. No interest in that.

[Anonymous]

He was mid thirties and was extremely sorry understanding the terrible things he had done

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't many people who are cheated on feel they get a free pass to do the same? That's what I've seen...

No-I didn’t lose my integrity because someone else was a jerk.

I forgave my ex and he just repeated the pattern. He’s remarried to one of them now.

Cheating is often a symptom of other personality problems. I have no interest in dating another insecure, broken person. I’d rather be alone if I can’t find an emotionally stable grown up.

[Anonymous]

To me, cheating is a symptom of a greater character flaw. It's not *just* the cheating - the person almost certainly has selfish, unkind, and poor values that spill over into other areas of life.

So, no, never.

[Anonymous]

About half the women on this forum are with husbands who have cheated. Many just don’t know it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To me, cheating is a symptom of a greater character flaw. It's not *just* the cheating - the person almost certainly has selfish, unkind, and poor values that spill over into other areas of life.

So, no, never.

Yes, yes, yes to all of the above (and the other PP who said it's a symptom of personality problems).

And the serial cheaters...those are the ones who have NPD or ASPD (sociopath). Life/family-ruiners, among other things. Completely devoid of morals.

[Anonymous]

Eh. I don’t necessarily believe once a cheater always a cheater (and no, I am not a cheater, and yes, I have been cheated on, with a long term ex boyfriend getting another woman pregnant). Relationships are different and life is complicated. I would possibly proceed with caution, but I wouldn’t automatically rule it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To me, cheating is a symptom of a greater character flaw. It's not *just* the cheating - the person almost certainly has selfish, unkind, and poor values that spill over into other areas of life.

So, no, never.

This is how I feel as well. Cheating is one of my few immediate divorce scenarios. I won't stand for it, and I certainly wouldn't start a relationship with a cheater.

[Anonymous]

Turns out I am with a man who cheated.

Many years into our marriage I found out my husband cheated on his long-term (4+ year) girlfriend. And the person he cheated with was significant to me, as well. I don't know that knowing that upfront would have changed my assessment of him, and as far as I know he's been faithful to me. But I would have liked to have had that information ahead of time.

That said. I never cheated on a girlfriend/boyfriend. But a few years ago I did cheat on my DH. So, people can change. For the worse (me) and for the better (my husband)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It depends. How long ago did it happen? What were the circumstances? Was it an ongoing affair or a one night stand? I don’t believe “once a cheater always a cheater”. I think people do grow and change. But I would definitely see it as a red flag. I would need more information.

I lean towards this too.
Having been divorced because of cheating I never thought I could or would want to be with a cheater ever again. However, the man I’m involved with now was the cheater in his previous marriage. He’s been open about his past relationship and his flaws, the relationships flaws. As carefully as I’m treading I do believe he’s sincere in his regrets on how his marriage ended and wants to be better going forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It depends. How long ago did it happen? What were the circumstances? Was it an ongoing affair or a one night stand? I don’t believe “once a cheater always a cheater”. I think people do grow and change. But I would definitely see it as a red flag. I would need more information.

I lean towards this too.
Having been divorced because of cheating I never thought I could or would want to be with a cheater ever again. However, the man I’m involved with now was the cheater in his previous marriage. He’s been open about his past relationship and his flaws, the relationships flaws. As carefully as I’m treading I do believe he’s sincere in his regrets on how his marriage ended and wants to be better going forward.

That's great that a cheater has regrets and wants to be better going forward, but he can do that on someone else's time, not mine. Often the cheater's regrets center more around the regret of getting caught and the regret of losing the nice aspects of life, but the cheater still doesn't have any insight into the serious damage they did the the victim spouse and kids. And if a cheater is speaking about the "relationship flaws," then that is really a red flag that he still isn't taking appropriate responsibility for what he did. Blaming cheating on relationship flaws is analogous to the behavior of an abuser who says his wife's behavior was bad enough to justify being hit.

Normal mature adults don't cheat their way out of a relationship -- they put on their adult panties and ask for a divorce and negotiate a fair custody and financial split and commit to being an excellent co-parent.

I'd never date someone who cheated.

[Anonymous]

I must correct a major flaw in this entire thread. Most so-called “cheating men” do so because they are in a sexless marriage with an uninterested wife. In which case, it is totally expected and normal and healthy that he is going elsewhere for sex. THAT is not a red flag for future relationships at all. Quite the opposite. If he’s NOT having sex elsewhere, THAT is a major red flag that he is an abnormal low libido male whom you definitely never date.