Could you be with a man who cheated

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It depends. How long ago did it happen? What were the circumstances? Was it an ongoing affair or a one night stand? I don’t believe “once a cheater always a cheater”. I think people do grow and change. But I would definitely see it as a red flag. I would need more information.

I lean towards this too.
Having been divorced because of cheating I never thought I could or would want to be with a cheater ever again. However, the man I’m involved with now was the cheater in his previous marriage. He’s been open about his past relationship and his flaws, the relationships flaws. As carefully as I’m treading I do believe he’s sincere in his regrets on how his marriage ended and wants to be better going forward.

That's great that a cheater has regrets and wants to be better going forward, but he can do that on someone else's time, not mine. Often the cheater's regrets center more around the regret of getting caught and the regret of losing the nice aspects of life, but the cheater still doesn't have any insight into the serious damage they did the the victim spouse and kids. And if a cheater is speaking about the "relationship flaws," then that is really a red flag that he still isn't taking appropriate responsibility for what he did. Blaming cheating on relationship flaws is analogous to the behavior of an abuser who says his wife's behavior was bad enough to justify being hit.

Normal mature adults don't cheat their way out of a relationship -- they put on their adult panties and ask for a divorce and negotiate a fair custody and financial split and commit to being an excellent co-parent.

I'd never date someone who cheated.

+1000 to all of the above.

To the cheated-on PP who is now dating another cheater (yikes), I hope you aren't dating my serial cheating ex-DH. He's a pathological liar (and he sprinkles little truths/half-truths in there to make it more believable). He also love bombs and mirrors. Very dangerous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I must correct a major flaw in this entire thread. Most so-called “cheating men” do so because they are in a sexless marriage with an uninterested wife. In which case, it is totally expected and normal and healthy that he is going elsewhere for sex. THAT is not a red flag for future relationships at all. Quite the opposite. If he’s NOT having sex elsewhere, THAT is a major red flag that he is an abnormal low libido male whom you definitely never date.

Bullshit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I must correct a major flaw in this entire thread. Most so-called “cheating men” do so because they are in a sexless marriage with an uninterested wife. In which case, it is totally expected and normal and healthy that he is going elsewhere for sex. THAT is not a red flag for future relationships at all. Quite the opposite. If he’s NOT having sex elsewhere, THAT is a major red flag that he is an abnormal low libido male whom you definitely never date.

Bullshit.

Don't feed the troll.

[Anonymous]

Simply, no. Such a glaring character flaw.

[Anonymous]

half of you are in a relationship with a man who cheated, so there's that.

[Anonymous]

I dated a man in my 40s who told me right up front he had cheated on his wife when his kids were young and how much he regretted it, how much it hurt her and the family, how sorry he was. His kids were grown when I met him and his wife had recently left him for another man.

I was impressed with his honesty. He was otherwise a great guy in many ways. We were together for three years. Then he cheated on me and dumped me for the other woman. Broke my heart. But I should have known.

[Anonymous]

Nope

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I must correct a major flaw in this entire thread. Most so-called “cheating men” do so because they are in a sexless marriage with an uninterested wife. In which case, it is totally expected and normal and healthy that he is going elsewhere for sex. THAT is not a red flag for future relationships at all. Quite the opposite. If he’s NOT having sex elsewhere, THAT is a major red flag that he is an abnormal low libido male whom you definitely never date.

You love to post this ad nauseam (you must get so excited whenever there’s a new thread on cheating!), but my wedding vows did not include a promise to have sexual relations frequently, nor did they define what would be the bare minimum frequency that is acceptable. My DH didn’t suggest any such terms upon which fidelity was conditioned. However, our wedding vows did include promises to have and to hold each other from that day forward, in good times and bad, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, and to love, cherish and honor each other, forsaking all others, as long as we both shall live. When we exchanged rings, we pledged that the rings were signs of our love and faithfulness. Many, many people made the same or similar marriage vows, never attempted to negotiate changes to the terms of their marriage, or announced to their spouse that they were ending the marriage, before sleeping with someone else. That is cheating. You’re free to feel justified in your cheating if you’re in a sexless marriage, but you’re still a cheater.

[Anonymous]

Once a cheater always a cheater. It's true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I must correct a major flaw in this entire thread. Most so-called “cheating men” do so because they are in a sexless marriage with an uninterested wife. In which case, it is totally expected and normal and healthy that he is going elsewhere for sex. THAT is not a red flag for future relationships at all. Quite the opposite. If he’s NOT having sex elsewhere, THAT is a major red flag that he is an abnormal low libido male whom you definitely never date.

You love to post this ad nauseam (you must get so excited whenever there’s a new thread on cheating!), but my wedding vows did not include a promise to have sexual relations frequently, nor did they define what would be the bare minimum frequency that is acceptable. My DH didn’t suggest any such terms upon which fidelity was conditioned. However, our wedding vows did include promises to have and to hold each other from that day forward, in good times and bad, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, and to love, cherish and honor each other, forsaking all others, as long as we both shall live. When we exchanged rings, we pledged that the rings were signs of our love and faithfulness. Many, many people made the same or similar marriage vows, never attempted to negotiate changes to the terms of their marriage, or announced to their spouse that they were ending the marriage, before sleeping with someone else. That is cheating. You’re free to feel justified in your cheating if you’re in a sexless marriage, but you’re still a cheater.

I disagree with the person you are quoting but I also disagree with you. You really think that sex and sexual intimacy isn't part of a marriage because it isn't in the vows? If you have no interest in sex or don't see sex as part of marriage and don't intend to be a sexual partner who cares about your spouses sexual needs, you better tell your partner that way before they propose. There are a lot of things that aren't in the vows that are part of marriage. They aren't intended to be an all inclusive list of everything you will or won't do. And I would say that part of love, cherish, and honor - would include caring about your partner's sexual desires and needs.

[Anonymous]

If dishonesty, deceit and betrayal are qualities you look for in a partner, then sure you can date a cheater.

Their lack of integrity is going to come out in other areas too. Why would you want a partner that isn't an honest or considerate person?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I must correct a major flaw in this entire thread. Most so-called “cheating men” do so because they are in a sexless marriage with an uninterested wife. In which case, it is totally expected and normal and healthy that he is going elsewhere for sex. THAT is not a red flag for future relationships at all. Quite the opposite. If he’s NOT having sex elsewhere, THAT is a major red flag that he is an abnormal low libido male whom you definitely never date.

You love to post this ad nauseam (you must get so excited whenever there’s a new thread on cheating!), but my wedding vows did not include a promise to have sexual relations frequently, nor did they define what would be the bare minimum frequency that is acceptable. My DH didn’t suggest any such terms upon which fidelity was conditioned. However, our wedding vows did include promises to have and to hold each other from that day forward, in good times and bad, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, and to love, cherish and honor each other, forsaking all others, as long as we both shall live. When we exchanged rings, we pledged that the rings were signs of our love and faithfulness. Many, many people made the same or similar marriage vows, never attempted to negotiate changes to the terms of their marriage, or announced to their spouse that they were ending the marriage, before sleeping with someone else. That is cheating. You’re free to feel justified in your cheating if you’re in a sexless marriage, but you’re still a cheater.

I disagree with the person you are quoting but I also disagree with you. You really think that sex and sexual intimacy isn't part of a marriage because it isn't in the vows? If you have no interest in sex or don't see sex as part of marriage and don't intend to be a sexual partner who cares about your spouses sexual needs, you better tell your partner that way before they propose. There are a lot of things that aren't in the vows that are part of marriage. They aren't intended to be an all inclusive list of everything you will or won't do. And I would say that part of love, cherish, and honor - would include caring about your partner's sexual desires and needs.

Of course sexual intimacy is part of marriage and there are things one should (and shouldn’t) do in order to have a healthy marriage that aren’t explicitly mentioned in the vows, but that serves to underscore the significance of marriage vows almost always including an absolute, unqualified promise of fidelity, without exception. Again, people can negotiate a change in the terms of the marriage, they can announce before they sleep with anyone else that they will no longer be faithful and let their spouses decide if that’s a dealbreaker, or they can simply end the marriage — but if they don’t do any of those things before sleeping with someone else, then they are cheating. Period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I must correct a major flaw in this entire thread. Most so-called “cheating men” do so because they are in a sexless marriage with an uninterested wife. In which case, it is totally expected and normal and healthy that he is going elsewhere for sex. THAT is not a red flag for future relationships at all. Quite the opposite. If he’s NOT having sex elsewhere, THAT is a major red flag that he is an abnormal low libido male whom you definitely never date.

You love to post this ad nauseam (you must get so excited whenever there’s a new thread on cheating!), but my wedding vows did not include a promise to have sexual relations frequently, nor did they define what would be the bare minimum frequency that is acceptable. My DH didn’t suggest any such terms upon which fidelity was conditioned. However, our wedding vows did include promises to have and to hold each other from that day forward, in good times and bad, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, and to love, cherish and honor each other, forsaking all others, as long as we both shall live. When we exchanged rings, we pledged that the rings were signs of our love and faithfulness. Many, many people made the same or similar marriage vows, never attempted to negotiate changes to the terms of their marriage, or announced to their spouse that they were ending the marriage, before sleeping with someone else. That is cheating. You’re free to feel justified in your cheating if you’re in a sexless marriage, but you’re still a cheater.

A thread about “cheating” which ignores the #1 cause (a disinterested wife) requires at least one post to bring this back to reality.
Those vows are bidirectional. The promise of sexual fidelity comes with a promise of sexual availability. Forsaking all others is only possible between sexually active lovers. If your going to post about cheating, you must first know if they have a normal active sex life (unlikely). And if you aren’t interested in regular sex with your husband, you should divorce him... otherwise look the other way.

[Anonymous]

I could probably get over a one night stand, so long as it wasn’t a pattern. It happens.

I don’t think I could get over an affair, and all the deceit and duplicity it entails.

I hope if my husband makes a mistake and has a one night stand, and it’s not a pattern, I truly hope he just never repeats it and never tells me.

[Anonymous]

New poster here. Would you consider dating a person (woman or man) who cheated on their spouse, and then subsequently left the spouse and their children (moving to a physically distant state) to pursue a possible new life with the affair party. Their relationship with the affair partner did not work out, and this person is currently dating a friend. What advice would you give a friend in this type of relationship situation?