Could you be with a man who cheated

[Anonymous]

I think a lot depends on how long ago it happened and what the circumstances were.

A guy who cheated on his college girlfriend as a teenager at a frat party is different than a guy who cheated on his wife and blew up his children's home life over an AP.

I'm a woman and I cheated on my college boyfriend multiple times - I was simply not ready to be in a committed relationship at that time. However, I have never once, before or after, marriage cheated on my husband. Nor would I cheat.
And I have been with my husband for 30 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone, the troll has spoken with his 100% unassailable "facts". And sexless marriages are 100% the wife's fault, absolutely NO fault lies with the husband. And so, you know, as a result the poor, amazing, wonderful husband just has to cheat.

And yes, the wives of all of those amazing men literally grabbed their dicks and stuffed them into the vaginas of other women.

The REASON for cheating is the cheater making the decision to cheat. Period.

I did not ascribe any blame or fault of sexless marriage. I am simply pointing out that most men who cheat do so because of a sexless marriage. It is disingenuous to discuss cheating men without acknowledging this crucial fact. It implies that the wife is unaware, plays no role, is an innocent victim, wishes he were not cheating etc. But actually the sexless wife wants to stay married while not having (much) sex, and the ONLY possible way that can work is if the man is going elsewhere for sex. In other words, the REASON for cheating is that THE WIFE WANTS HIM TO CHEAT. This is the majority of cheating husband scenarios. And yet this thread focuses on some exceptionally rare case of an asshole selfish man who cheats despite an active sex life at home with his wife.

[Anonymous]

No, I'm not a complete idiot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone, the troll has spoken with his 100% unassailable "facts". And sexless marriages are 100% the wife's fault, absolutely NO fault lies with the husband. And so, you know, as a result the poor, amazing, wonderful husband just has to cheat.

And yes, the wives of all of those amazing men literally grabbed their dicks and stuffed them into the vaginas of other women.

The REASON for cheating is the cheater making the decision to cheat. Period.

I did not ascribe any blame or fault of sexless marriage. I am simply pointing out that most men who cheat do so because of a sexless marriage. It is disingenuous to discuss cheating men without acknowledging this crucial fact. It implies that the wife is unaware, plays no role, is an innocent victim, wishes he were not cheating etc. But actually the sexless wife wants to stay married while not having (much) sex, and the ONLY possible way that can work is if the man is going elsewhere for sex. In other words, the REASON for cheating is that THE WIFE WANTS HIM TO CHEAT. This is the majority of cheating husband scenarios. And yet this thread focuses on some exceptionally rare case of an asshole selfish man who cheats despite an active sex life at home with his wife.

LOL! This response get crazier and more contradictory with each sentence.

Let's not feed this troll anymore.

[Anonymous]

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As to citations: 23.2% of attached men cheat https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/21667234 and about 20% of marriages are sexless according to many studies https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexless_marriage. It is not rocket science to see that most of these cheating men are in a sexless marriage.

I literally can’t even believe this is the evidence you offer to support your bs sexless marriage causes cheating argument. No halfway intelligent person could link these two articles and conclude the “facts” that you did. The reasoning is so faulty, requires such huge leaps and assumptions, that it’s comical. Your mental gymnastics must keep you very fit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
As to citations: 23.2% of attached men cheat https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/21667234 and about 20% of marriages are sexless according to many studies https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexless_marriage. It is not rocket science to see that most of these cheating men are in a sexless marriage.

I literally can’t even believe this is the evidence you offer to support your bs sexless marriage causes cheating argument. No halfway intelligent person could link these two articles and conclude the “facts” that you did. The reasoning is so faulty, requires such huge leaps and assumptions, that it’s comical. Your mental gymnastics must keep you very fit.

You seriously are going to claim there is not a direct correlation between married men with wives who reject them and those same men finding sex elsewhere? Clearly you do not know much about men, because if you were paying attention then you would know that most men like sex, a lot, and after a few days (at most a week) men start looking for sex. And if their wife does not want it, the look elsewhere. To think otherwise is absolutely insane, which is why my post here is so important. Because clearly there are some terribly uniformed women that need accurate information about "men who cheat".

[Anonymous]

I'm in my 50s, married 20+ years, never cheated and, to my knowledge, have never been cheated on.

My thinking on this has evolved over the decades. I don't think I could remain with someone who cheated on me. I could, depending on the circumstances, be with a man who cheated on a significant other.

About 10 years ago, my DH had a major depressive episode. His depression had been identified early in our relationship, we had a lot of relationship counseling that was helpful and, with medication, his depression remained under control for the most part. There would be times when he needed to do more - eat better, exercise more, tweak medication, etc. But nothing relationship busting. After about 10 years and 3 kids, we had a number of setback (death of IL, serious incapacitation of other IL, kids diagnosed with SN, etc.) that caused him to spiral into a major depressive episode that last about 2 years.

My life was hell for those 2 years. If you've never lived for long periods of time with someone suffering from depression, believe you me, you suffer, too. It was during that time, I understood why someone would cheat on a partner. I didn't want to cheat. I wanted the man my DH used to be, the man he would be had he not been in that major depression. Most of all, I wanted someone to look at me with affection and attraction. I wanted to feel wanted. I was emotionally depleted, had little resilience and had there been someone who looked at me with interest, I might very well have cheated even though I knew it was a really bad choice.

It's been a while since I posted about this episode, it's usually on threads like 'when did you know it was time to divorce' or 'have you been able to repair a broken marriage' threads. My DH finally got his depression under control and we're in a good place again, not as good as before this episode but still better married than not married. I do know, though, that I can't go thru another period like we did. I now know that I should have separated from him earlier. I know that if I ever get to the point that I'm so desperate for positive attention, I need to move on from the relationship.

[Anonymous]

I feel the same way about those who cheated as those who divorced. A promise broken but I don't know the circumstances and no one is perfect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel the same way about those who cheated as those who divorced. A promise broken but I don't know the circumstances and no one is perfect.

I would much, much rather date someone who was divorced, than a cheater.

A divorce can be explained.

A cheater is a coward.

[Anonymous]

A cheater is a person who has already emotionally divorced their spouse and has checked out on their marriage but prefers to stay married because divorce is expensive and their spouse takes care of things for them for free - childcare, house cleaning, holiday hosting, happy family pics on Facebook, etc.

They get to have their cake and eat it too. They are in one word: Selfish.

A divorced person ended a relationship that was no longer working out.

[Anonymous]

I think it really depends on the situation. I have two girlfriends who cheated on their husbands because they were in sexless marriages. One had a fling and one had an affair. Both spent years (well over half a decade) before and after the affairs trying desperately to make things work.

Neither of them was a coward or has a moral defect. They both tried to deal with their problems directly and honestly, both insisted on therapy and did their part to fix what they could on their end, both begged their husbands to try to make things work. Neither wanted to end their marriage. But in the end, neither of them could live without any intimacy in their lives (on top of other problems, which generally exist when one partner checks out of having sex in a marriage).

I don't think either would cheat in a future relationship.

[Anonymous]

My XH’s new wife can so I guess some folks can do it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:On his wife in the past but was deeply sorry and has learnt from it?

Lol. Op. Can’t believe you are actually asking this question. Some women are so gullible and appears you are one of them. The answer is absolutely not. You can still date him with an understanding that someday he will do the same to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel the same way about those who cheated as those who divorced. A promise broken but I don't know the circumstances and no one is perfect.

So my XH decided he didn’t want to be married anymore and humped everything that moved but I broke the promise when I divorced him? No. F*** you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:About half the women on this forum are with husbands who have cheated. Many just don’t know it.

Ditto. I’m 100% sure my X didn’t tell his new girlfriend of his many many years of indiscretions.