Vent about my sister just being a jerk

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, for whatever reason, your sister doesn't want to spend the holidays with her family of origin. My father was undeniably abusive to me as a child, my sister never experienced it, and would have the same reaction as you. I too go out of town for each holiday so I have a reason not to be with my FOO.

Obviously, I'm projecting...but it really sounds like your sister doesn't want to be there. It's none of your business. Do some soul searching. Is there a reason she could have for not wanting to be there? If so, your father's recent surgery does not provide him sainthood and command her forgiveness and presence.

My dad didn't "command" anyone to do anything. He asked if we could be together for the holidays.

I certainly hope he wasn't abusive; I was never aware of anything. My parents have never had substance abuse issues, never raised their voices to us, sent us to great schools, provided us with every opportunity, etc. They enabled my sister's passions and paid for her to go to her dream schools.

And her answer is NO she can't be there for the holidays, she made other plans. She has given you plenty of advanced notice of her change in plans. Is this impacting your holiday plans? Did you or your parents incur any expenses because of her change in plans, do you have to rearrange your plans because of it? Because it seems to me that you have called your sister a jerk, selfish and disrespectful simply because she isn't doing what you/your father want. On this thread you have already shifted all the blame on her and painted yourself and parents to be exemplary. Sounds to me like she is the family scapegoat.

[Anonymous]

OP better not to get into it now while you're obviously feeling raw.

[Anonymous]

OP, for what it's worth, I understand where you are coming from. There are lots of opinions on this site, most who point fingers at you, but I'll give you a different perspective because I have a similar situation with my sister. Lest I be accused of "projecting" let me plead guilty right away, simply because we look at situations based on our own life experiences.

By your description it sounds like your sister has a healthy case of self-interest. The fact you said she never calls you, and when you call her (regularly) all she does is talk about herself. The fact that your father reached out to get to know her DH and she rebuffed him. The fact she "communicated" with you by sending bare-bones flight information with no further explanation. The fact she has zero interest in spending time with any of you even after your father had a serious health scare.

These are indicators (and I'm sure you've got many more) of a person whose focus is primarily on themselves. She is who she is. She will not change. My sister has similar actions and personality traits. She absolutely will NOT call anyone else in the family but expects us to call her. When we do call her the entire conversation is one-sided about her life, her activities, etc. and she will never ask about nor listen to anyone else. However, she will dramatize and sadly make it a point to tell others about how she "never hears" from her family as though we've abandoned her.

Once I heard this, it was a turning point for me. Since I know the FACTS are that we all called her regularly. It's almost as if she expected us to grovel and beg for a connection with her, and she was not required to do anything reciprocal to keep the relationships going. The only problem is we are all tired of groveling. Likewise, your sister's rudely abrupt way of "communicating" that she's not coming smacks of someone who wants everyone to call her up and beg her to come and spend the holidays. Don't do it - you are better off without her.

Not knowing the facts of the health scare but based on his request to all spend the holidays together I am wondering if your parents may know more about the seriousness of his health condition than they are saying. If I were you, I'd plan on a wonderful holiday time together with him. Forget about your sister and don't even bother playing her narcissistic games. Enjoy every minute with your parents no matter how imperfect and annoying they are.

All I can say from experience is that once your parents die, it's amazing how your perspective changes. I'd give anything to have both of mine back for 5 minutes.

[Anonymous]

OP - it's not your burden. It's not your burden to feel terrible for your Dad. And he doesn't need it - he doesn't need the extra emotional turmoil of this affecting you too. Sure your sister shouldn't have done it. Sure she is wrong. But he's a big boy. My guess is he's no stranger to disappointment. Move on. Move on with having a joyous time with your Dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, for what it's worth, I understand where you are coming from. There are lots of opinions on this site, most who point fingers at you, but I'll give you a different perspective because I have a similar situation with my sister. Lest I be accused of "projecting" let me plead guilty right away, simply because we look at situations based on our own life experiences.

By your description it sounds like your sister has a healthy case of self-interest. The fact you said she never calls you, and when you call her (regularly) all she does is talk about herself. The fact that your father reached out to get to know her DH and she rebuffed him. The fact she "communicated" with you by sending bare-bones flight information with no further explanation. The fact she has zero interest in spending time with any of you even after your father had a serious health scare.

These are indicators (and I'm sure you've got many more) of a person whose focus is primarily on themselves. She is who she is. She will not change. My sister has similar actions and personality traits. She absolutely will NOT call anyone else in the family but expects us to call her. When we do call her the entire conversation is one-sided about her life, her activities, etc. and she will never ask about nor listen to anyone else. However, she will dramatize and sadly make it a point to tell others about how she "never hears" from her family as though we've abandoned her.

Once I heard this, it was a turning point for me. Since I know the FACTS are that we all called her regularly. It's almost as if she expected us to grovel and beg for a connection with her, and she was not required to do anything reciprocal to keep the relationships going. The only problem is we are all tired of groveling. Likewise, your sister's rudely abrupt way of "communicating" that she's not coming smacks of someone who wants everyone to call her up and beg her to come and spend the holidays. Don't do it - you are better off without her.

Not knowing the facts of the health scare but based on his request to all spend the holidays together I am wondering if your parents may know more about the seriousness of his health condition than they are saying. If I were you, I'd plan on a wonderful holiday time together with him. Forget about your sister and don't even bother playing her narcissistic games. Enjoy every minute with your parents no matter how imperfect and annoying they are.

All I can say from experience is that once your parents die, it's amazing how your perspective changes. I'd give anything to have both of mine back for 5 minutes.

Based on your post, it is apparent that the same is true for her as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, for what it's worth, I understand where you are coming from. There are lots of opinions on this site, most who point fingers at you, but I'll give you a different perspective because I have a similar situation with my sister. Lest I be accused of "projecting" let me plead guilty right away, simply because we look at situations based on our own life experiences.

By your description it sounds like your sister has a healthy case of self-interest. The fact you said she never calls you, and when you call her (regularly) all she does is talk about herself. The fact that your father reached out to get to know her DH and she rebuffed him. The fact she "communicated" with you by sending bare-bones flight information with no further explanation. The fact she has zero interest in spending time with any of you even after your father had a serious health scare.

These are indicators (and I'm sure you've got many more) of a person whose focus is primarily on themselves. She is who she is. She will not change. My sister has similar actions and personality traits. She absolutely will NOT call anyone else in the family but expects us to call her. When we do call her the entire conversation is one-sided about her life, her activities, etc. and she will never ask about nor listen to anyone else. However, she will dramatize and sadly make it a point to tell others about how she "never hears" from her family as though we've abandoned her.

Once I heard this, it was a turning point for me. Since I know the FACTS are that we all called her regularly. It's almost as if she expected us to grovel and beg for a connection with her, and she was not required to do anything reciprocal to keep the relationships going. The only problem is we are all tired of groveling. Likewise, your sister's rudely abrupt way of "communicating" that she's not coming smacks of someone who wants everyone to call her up and beg her to come and spend the holidays. Don't do it - you are better off without her.

Not knowing the facts of the health scare but based on his request to all spend the holidays together I am wondering if your parents may know more about the seriousness of his health condition than they are saying. If I were you, I'd plan on a wonderful holiday time together with him. Forget about your sister and don't even bother playing her narcissistic games. Enjoy every minute with your parents no matter how imperfect and annoying they are.

All I can say from experience is that once your parents die, it's amazing how your perspective changes. I'd give anything to have both of mine back for 5 minutes.

Based on your post, it is apparent that the same is true for her as well.

OP here. Why are you attacking this person?

Yes, my sister has always been extremely selfish. My dad's health scare amounted to him almost dying and needing emergency surgery. He just had a follow up and simply isn't recovering as quickly as the doctors hoped, so while I originally thought he might be ok, that might not actually be the case.

He keeps telling me everything will be fine, but then I talk to my mom and she says nothing is fine. I'm not quite sure who to believe, but my mom is sick with worry.

Anyway, I'm not quite sure where all the anger is coming from towards me, and also this poster who seems to have a similar situation. Again, I haven't once pressured her to spend time with anyone. I haven't even responded to her email -- and my parents haven't either. My dad talked to me today and just said, "Well, she has her reasons for doing what she does. Nothing we can do about it."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, for what it's worth, I understand where you are coming from. There are lots of opinions on this site, most who point fingers at you, but I'll give you a different perspective because I have a similar situation with my sister. Lest I be accused of "projecting" let me plead guilty right away, simply because we look at situations based on our own life experiences.

By your description it sounds like your sister has a healthy case of self-interest. The fact you said she never calls you, and when you call her (regularly) all she does is talk about herself. The fact that your father reached out to get to know her DH and she rebuffed him. The fact she "communicated" with you by sending bare-bones flight information with no further explanation. The fact she has zero interest in spending time with any of you even after your father had a serious health scare.

These are indicators (and I'm sure you've got many more) of a person whose focus is primarily on themselves. She is who she is. She will not change. My sister has similar actions and personality traits. She absolutely will NOT call anyone else in the family but expects us to call her. When we do call her the entire conversation is one-sided about her life, her activities, etc. and she will never ask about nor listen to anyone else. However, she will dramatize and sadly make it a point to tell others about how she "never hears" from her family as though we've abandoned her.

Once I heard this, it was a turning point for me. Since I know the FACTS are that we all called her regularly. It's almost as if she expected us to grovel and beg for a connection with her, and she was not required to do anything reciprocal to keep the relationships going. The only problem is we are all tired of groveling. Likewise, your sister's rudely abrupt way of "communicating" that she's not coming smacks of someone who wants everyone to call her up and beg her to come and spend the holidays. Don't do it - you are better off without her.

Not knowing the facts of the health scare but based on his request to all spend the holidays together I am wondering if your parents may know more about the seriousness of his health condition than they are saying. If I were you, I'd plan on a wonderful holiday time together with him. Forget about your sister and don't even bother playing her narcissistic games. Enjoy every minute with your parents no matter how imperfect and annoying they are.

All I can say from experience is that once your parents die, it's amazing how your perspective changes. I'd give anything to have both of mine back for 5 minutes.

Based on your post, it is apparent that the same is true for her as well.

OP here. Why are you attacking this person?

Yes, my sister has always been extremely selfish. My dad's health scare amounted to him almost dying and needing emergency surgery. He just had a follow up and simply isn't recovering as quickly as the doctors hoped, so while I originally thought he might be ok, that might not actually be the case.

He keeps telling me everything will be fine, but then I talk to my mom and she says nothing is fine. I'm not quite sure who to believe, but my mom is sick with worry.

Anyway, I'm not quite sure where all the anger is coming from towards me, and also this poster who seems to have a similar situation. Again, I haven't once pressured her to spend time with anyone. I haven't even responded to her email -- and my parents haven't either. My dad talked to me today and just said, "Well, she has her reasons for doing what she does. Nothing we can do about it."

OP, the reason you're being "attacked" (and you're not, you've just been offered a contrary point-of-view) is because anyone who's been scapegoated sees the dynamic that could be going on here. No one here knows you. I say "could." No one knows for sure. However, I can say...based on your most recent post above...you shouldn't be discussing your sister with your parents. You obviously are based on the quote from your dad. This doesn't just come from a random comment...his statement was a retort from you bringing this up with him and trying to discuss her behavior. You are not blameless here. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

OP I posted earlier and your additional comments do not clear up the fact that you don't truly know if she's coming 'during the holidays' or not. Her flight info only informs you of when she won't be with you. Has she in past said she'd do something and then not? To me the 'holidays' if it were Christmas could be from Dec 15-week of New Years. You seem most interested in seeing your sister as selfish rather than as an adult with a full life trying to fit everything in.

[Anonymous]

"Nothing we can do about it."

Listen to your dad's wisdom. He's obviously come to terms with your sister's behavior, so should you. And he's right. There's nothing you can do about it.

People wrapped up in themselves seldom unfold.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:...you shouldn't be discussing your sister with your parents.

This is one of the most ridiculous statements I've read on DCUM. Since when are family members not to talk to each other about other family members?

So poster, when and if you have kids and one of them knows their sibling is doing drugs, or killing small animals, or stealing money from people or is getting the crap beat out of them by their spouse - they should just keep it to themselves, right? No need to call mom and dad and say, "Hey, I'm worried about sis/bro ...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This sounds familiar, have you posted before about this? Or maybe that was someone whose dad was trying to force everyone to go on a trip, but one sister's DH wasn't invited? I can't remember...

But yeah, he can invite you all, say how much it'd mean for him to have you together, and she's allowed to say no thanks.

Maybe ask her if there's another time she'd like to help get the family together, that's not the holidays?

I had the same feeling

[Anonymous]

Boy do I feel for your sister, she has been designated the family selfish jerk. There are 7 pages of futile attempts by others to offer a differing point of view, all of which you have discarded or rebuffed. There is no winning when the dynamics are like this but to distance yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Boy do I feel for your sister, she has been designated the family selfish jerk. There are 7 pages of futile attempts by others to offer a differing point of view, all of which you have discarded or rebuffed. There is no winning when the dynamics are like this but to distance yourself.

No one has offered other points of view, other than to say it’s great that she can just ignore her family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:...you shouldn't be discussing your sister with your parents.

This is one of the most ridiculous statements I've read on DCUM. Since when are family members not to talk to each other about other family members?

So poster, when and if you have kids and one of them knows their sibling is doing drugs, or killing small animals, or stealing money from people or is getting the crap beat out of them by their spouse - they should just keep it to themselves, right? No need to call mom and dad and say, "Hey, I'm worried about sis/bro ...

Yep. And if family members ignore their families, we can’t say anything, lest we get called assholes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This sounds familiar, have you posted before about this? Or maybe that was someone whose dad was trying to force everyone to go on a trip, but one sister's DH wasn't invited? I can't remember...

But yeah, he can invite you all, say how much it'd mean for him to have you together, and she's allowed to say no thanks.

Maybe ask her if there's another time she'd like to help get the family together, that's not the holidays?

I had the same feeling

She has never wanted to get together.