Vent about my sister just being a jerk

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad had major surgery this year. Luckily he is recovering and should be ok. However he said it’s important to him for everyone to be together this year for the holidays. My sister said she’d be there, but out of nowhere just sent us flight info for a vacation she’s taking with her husband. This isn’t some once in a lifetime trip; it’s a trip they take every year.

I just feel terrible for my dad, who she didn’t even give advance warning that she had changed her plans.

This is the advance warning that she’s changed her plans.

+1 How much notice is enough for you? And don't meddle in it. That's between your sister and your dad.

She sent an email with the subject line "november/december trips." Then there was flight and hotel info. No explanation as to why she decided to travel rather than be with her family.

Does she owe us an explanation? No.

Would it have been the respectful thing to do? Yes.

It sounds like she's not close to the family and none of us know why. She probably felt guilted into agreeing to the holiday plans and then as your dad got better she rethought it. She should have mentioned it to your parents (is it possible she did but you don't know that?) but perhaps her reason for not doing so goes into why she isn't close to the family in the first place (like, maybe they would have tried to hard-sell or guilt her into not going on the trip). Bottom line is that your dad hoped that the family rift -- calling it a rift because sis seems so distant -- could be mended through a decree that everyone come home from Christmas, but he's going to have to take a different tack if that truly is his goal.

[Anonymous]

I'm not following why she's a jerk for making her own plans.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not following why she's a jerk for making her own plans.

So my dad had asked if we could all be together for the holidays this year because he had a major health scare. My sister and I said sure. Then, out of nowhere, she sent itinerary info for vacations that would mean she wouldn't spend any time with us, undercutting what she had said. I know it meant a lot to my dad to be with his daughters this year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad had major surgery this year. Luckily he is recovering and should be ok. However he said it’s important to him for everyone to be together this year for the holidays. My sister said she’d be there, but out of nowhere just sent us flight info for a vacation she’s taking with her husband. This isn’t some once in a lifetime trip; it’s a trip they take every year.

I just feel terrible for my dad, who she didn’t even give advance warning that she had changed her plans.

This is the advance warning that she’s changed her plans.

+1 How much notice is enough for you? And don't meddle in it. That's between your sister and your dad.

She sent an email with the subject line "november/december trips." Then there was flight and hotel info. No explanation as to why she decided to travel rather than be with her family.

Does she owe us an explanation? No.

Would it have been the respectful thing to do? Yes.

It sounds like she's not close to the family and none of us know why. She probably felt guilted into agreeing to the holiday plans and then as your dad got better she rethought it. She should have mentioned it to your parents (is it possible she did but you don't know that?) but perhaps her reason for not doing so goes into why she isn't close to the family in the first place (like, maybe they would have tried to hard-sell or guilt her into not going on the trip). Bottom line is that your dad hoped that the family rift -- calling it a rift because sis seems so distant -- could be mended through a decree that everyone come home from Christmas, but he's going to have to take a different tack if that truly is his goal.

Yeah, I don't know why she isn't close to us. My parents both said they found out she had changed her plans via this email and they don't know why she changed her mind.

[Anonymous]

Now that you've vented, can you call your sister and ask what's going on? Not to guilt her or pile on, but just because you're her sister and she's important to you?

If not, then you probably need to just leave it alone. Your father is certainly grown enough to decide how he feels about this. I have a jerk sibling and my parents are very capable of differentiating between which kids they can rely on and which need to be kept at arms' length.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad had major surgery this year. Luckily he is recovering and should be ok. However he said it’s important to him for everyone to be together this year for the holidays. My sister said she’d be there, but out of nowhere just sent us flight info for a vacation she’s taking with her husband. This isn’t some once in a lifetime trip; it’s a trip they take every year.

I just feel terrible for my dad, who she didn’t even give advance warning that she had changed her plans.

This is the advance warning that she’s changed her plans.

+1 How much notice is enough for you? And don't meddle in it. That's between your sister and your dad.

She sent an email with the subject line "november/december trips." Then there was flight and hotel info. No explanation as to why she decided to travel rather than be with her family.

Does she owe us an explanation? No.

Would it have been the respectful thing to do? Yes.

It sounds like she's not close to the family and none of us know why. She probably felt guilted into agreeing to the holiday plans and then as your dad got better she rethought it. She should have mentioned it to your parents (is it possible she did but you don't know that?) but perhaps her reason for not doing so goes into why she isn't close to the family in the first place (like, maybe they would have tried to hard-sell or guilt her into not going on the trip). Bottom line is that your dad hoped that the family rift -- calling it a rift because sis seems so distant -- could be mended through a decree that everyone come home from Christmas, but he's going to have to take a different tack if that truly is his goal.

Yeah, I don't know why she isn't close to us. My parents both said they found out she had changed her plans via this email and they don't know why she changed her mind.

Your parents must be in deep denial. She is making a statement with those trips. I will guess she is hurt and she does not want to play happy family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, OP. That's tough that she didn't provide at least some notice.

That said, it's not reasonable to issue a summons for another adult's time. An invitation is great, yes. An idea for everyone to be together, yes. But at the end of the day, there is nothing wrong with another adult making a decision with his or her time and how they want to spend the little vacation they have.

For all you know, the marriage is under strain, and the choice was made to regroup the marriage with a nice vacation rather than the stress of family at the holidays.

What? "The Holidays" typically means the Christmas/New Years time frame, in which case she let them know 7 weeks in advance. And even if it refers to Thanksgiving, that's three weeks from today.

He meant Thanksgiving and Christmas. She said she’d be there and then just sent flight info to us with nothing else even in the email.

BOTH major holidays? What about your sisters husbands family? Maybe I’m biased because my MIL is always saying “it’s very important to me that we are all together for Christmas this year” and I always want to respond “yes, my own mother says the exact same thing though, you realize?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, OP. That's tough that she didn't provide at least some notice.

That said, it's not reasonable to issue a summons for another adult's time. An invitation is great, yes. An idea for everyone to be together, yes. But at the end of the day, there is nothing wrong with another adult making a decision with his or her time and how they want to spend the little vacation they have.

For all you know, the marriage is under strain, and the choice was made to regroup the marriage with a nice vacation rather than the stress of family at the holidays.

What? "The Holidays" typically means the Christmas/New Years time frame, in which case she let them know 7 weeks in advance. And even if it refers to Thanksgiving, that's three weeks from today.

He meant Thanksgiving and Christmas. She said she’d be there and then just sent flight info to us with nothing else even in the email.

BOTH major holidays? What about your sisters husbands family? Maybe I’m biased because my MIL is always saying “it’s very important to me that we are all together for Christmas this year” and I always want to respond “yes, my own mother says the exact same thing though, you realize?”

They won't see his family either. They're going to Europe both times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, OP. That's tough that she didn't provide at least some notice.

That said, it's not reasonable to issue a summons for another adult's time. An invitation is great, yes. An idea for everyone to be together, yes. But at the end of the day, there is nothing wrong with another adult making a decision with his or her time and how they want to spend the little vacation they have.

For all you know, the marriage is under strain, and the choice was made to regroup the marriage with a nice vacation rather than the stress of family at the holidays.

What? "The Holidays" typically means the Christmas/New Years time frame, in which case she let them know 7 weeks in advance. And even if it refers to Thanksgiving, that's three weeks from today.

He meant Thanksgiving and Christmas. She said she’d be there and then just sent flight info to us with nothing else even in the email.

BOTH major holidays? What about your sisters husbands family? Maybe I’m biased because my MIL is always saying “it’s very important to me that we are all together for Christmas this year” and I always want to respond “yes, my own mother says the exact same thing though, you realize?”

They won't see his family either. They're going to Europe both times.

A little weird then for sure. It sounds like this is their yearly tradition, no? Since they do it every year? It would have been better if she had foregone their tradition for one year but just like your father has a vision of the holidays- so does your sister and her husband. Agree with PPs that say you can’t summon other adults over the holidays. Presumably your parents did what they wanted for the holidays when you and your sister were young- and now you and your sister get to do what each of you want. For you, that’s going home to your family of origin. For her it isn’t. It sucks when values don’t line up but it’s not uncommon. The only thing I can get behind is that your sister shouldn’t have told your dad yes and then went back on her word. (Also why is she group emailing her hotel info? Does anyone care about it?!)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, OP. That's tough that she didn't provide at least some notice.

That said, it's not reasonable to issue a summons for another adult's time. An invitation is great, yes. An idea for everyone to be together, yes. But at the end of the day, there is nothing wrong with another adult making a decision with his or her time and how they want to spend the little vacation they have.

For all you know, the marriage is under strain, and the choice was made to regroup the marriage with a nice vacation rather than the stress of family at the holidays.

What? "The Holidays" typically means the Christmas/New Years time frame, in which case she let them know 7 weeks in advance. And even if it refers to Thanksgiving, that's three weeks from today.

He meant Thanksgiving and Christmas. She said she’d be there and then just sent flight info to us with nothing else even in the email.

BOTH major holidays? What about your sisters husbands family? Maybe I’m biased because my MIL is always saying “it’s very important to me that we are all together for Christmas this year” and I always want to respond “yes, my own mother says the exact same thing though, you realize?”

They won't see his family either. They're going to Europe both times.

A little weird then for sure. It sounds like this is their yearly tradition, no? Since they do it every year? It would have been better if she had foregone their tradition for one year but just like your father has a vision of the holidays- so does your sister and her husband. Agree with PPs that say you can’t summon other adults over the holidays. Presumably your parents did what they wanted for the holidays when you and your sister were young- and now you and your sister get to do what each of you want. For you, that’s going home to your family of origin. For her it isn’t. It sucks when values don’t line up but it’s not uncommon. The only thing I can get behind is that your sister shouldn’t have told your dad yes and then went back on her word. (Also why is she group emailing her hotel info? Does anyone care about it?!)

Yeah, we don't care what hotel she's in. I like to know flight info, but her hotel doesn't matter to me.

They go on the same trip every year. A little weird to me, since they don't know anyone there so it's not like they're visiting friends, but to each their own. My real issue is how she went back on her word without any explanation. But you're all right that I can't force her to do something.

[Anonymous]

Pick up the phone and ask her. Easy. Do you not have that kind of relationship with your sister?

[Anonymous]

Mind your own business and move on with your day. You must have a LOT of time on your hands.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mind your own business and move on with your day. You must have a LOT of time on your hands.

NP.

I love this comeback on threads. You realize you're spending time reading and posting here, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, OP. That's tough that she didn't provide at least some notice.

That said, it's not reasonable to issue a summons for another adult's time. An invitation is great, yes. An idea for everyone to be together, yes. But at the end of the day, there is nothing wrong with another adult making a decision with his or her time and how they want to spend the little vacation they have.

For all you know, the marriage is under strain, and the choice was made to regroup the marriage with a nice vacation rather than the stress of family at the holidays.

What? "The Holidays" typically means the Christmas/New Years time frame, in which case she let them know 7 weeks in advance. And even if it refers to Thanksgiving, that's three weeks from today.

He meant Thanksgiving and Christmas. She said she’d be there and then just sent flight info to us with nothing else even in the email.

BOTH major holidays? What about your sisters husbands family? Maybe I’m biased because my MIL is always saying “it’s very important to me that we are all together for Christmas this year” and I always want to respond “yes, my own mother says the exact same thing though, you realize?”

They won't see his family either. They're going to Europe both times.

A little weird then for sure. It sounds like this is their yearly tradition, no? Since they do it every year? It would have been better if she had foregone their tradition for one year but just like your father has a vision of the holidays- so does your sister and her husband. Agree with PPs that say you can’t summon other adults over the holidays. Presumably your parents did what they wanted for the holidays when you and your sister were young- and now you and your sister get to do what each of you want. For you, that’s going home to your family of origin. For her it isn’t. It sucks when values don’t line up but it’s not uncommon. The only thing I can get behind is that your sister shouldn’t have told your dad yes and then went back on her word. (Also why is she group emailing her hotel info? Does anyone care about it?!)

Yeah, we don't care what hotel she's in. I like to know flight info, but her hotel doesn't matter to me.

They go on the same trip every year. A little weird to me, since they don't know anyone there so it's not like they're visiting friends, but to each their own. My real issue is how she went back on her word without any explanation. But you're all right that I can't force her to do something.

It sounds like they have built their own little tradition and it means a lot to them. I like going to the same beach town every year as soon as school lets out. I would be loathe to cancel our little tradition because an older relative wanted me to visit them that exact week instead. Even if that older relative were my own dad. But- I wouldn’t have led him on and pretended I’d visit that week like your sister did

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad had major surgery this year. Luckily he is recovering and should be ok. However he said it’s important to him for everyone to be together this year for the holidays. My sister said she’d be there, but out of nowhere just sent us flight info for a vacation she’s taking with her husband. This isn’t some once in a lifetime trip; it’s a trip they take every year.

I just feel terrible for my dad, who she didn’t even give advance warning that she had changed her plans.

This is the advance warning that she’s changed her plans.

+1 How much notice is enough for you? And don't meddle in it. That's between your sister and your dad.

She sent an email with the subject line "november/december trips." Then there was flight and hotel info. No explanation as to why she decided to travel rather than be with her family.

Does she owe us an explanation? No.

Would it have been the respectful thing to do? Yes.

She is going to be with family — her husband.