Vent about my sister just being a jerk

[Anonymous]

NP - OP, this isn't about the holidays. That's a symptom of the underlying issue. Your sister doesn't want to have a relationship with you or your parents -- or if she does, she wants one that exists only at a distance. I have no idea why that is. Maybe its on her end, maybe it's on yours, maybe it's your parents. Most likely, it's some combination, but she's drawing some pretty hard boundaries. And she's telling you that she needs to keep those boundaries, even this year.

Whether you want to do the work -- and it will be work -- to figure out why she feels like she needs these boundaries is up to you. Be prepared that, if you do and she's willing, the best case scenario will require some hard conversations, hurt feelings and a willingness to take an unflinching look at your own behavior and memories. But from what you've been posting, her decision not to be with you guys for the holidays this year is completely consistent.

Question, though: have you ever asked her why she stays away? And I mean asked and then just listened to the answer without trying to argue or justify?

[Anonymous]

None of your business and also who made your Dad god? Why does he get to dictate where everyone spends the holidays? Maybe your sister doesn’t want to be there bad that’s her choice. Let people live their own lives!!

[Anonymous]

I don’t go home for Xmas and only talk to my brother once a year because he is an a-hole. My mother is an alcoholic and I don’t want to be around her either. OP, stop being an a-hole and leave your sister alone!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP - OP, this isn't about the holidays. That's a symptom of the underlying issue. Your sister doesn't want to have a relationship with you or your parents -- or if she does, she wants one that exists only at a distance. I have no idea why that is. Maybe its on her end, maybe it's on yours, maybe it's your parents. Most likely, it's some combination, but she's drawing some pretty hard boundaries. And she's telling you that she needs to keep those boundaries, even this year.

Whether you want to do the work -- and it will be work -- to figure out why she feels like she needs these boundaries is up to you. Be prepared that, if you do and she's willing, the best case scenario will require some hard conversations, hurt feelings and a willingness to take an unflinching look at your own behavior and memories. But from what you've been posting, her decision not to be with you guys for the holidays this year is completely consistent.

Question, though: have you ever asked her why she stays away? And I mean asked and then just listened to the answer without trying to argue or justify?

+1,000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t go home for Xmas and only talk to my brother once a year because he is an a-hole. My mother is an alcoholic and I don’t want to be around her either. OP, stop being an a-hole and leave your sister alone!

I'm not an alcoholic, nor is anyone in my family. I haven't I done anything other than thought my sister was coming because she said she was. Please don't project your family's issues onto mine.

I've never once pressured her to spend any time with the family. If anything, I've been too passive and not asked her why she doesn't want to spend time with us. You all seem to think I'm pressuring her, but I don't think I've done that at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP - OP, this isn't about the holidays. That's a symptom of the underlying issue. Your sister doesn't want to have a relationship with you or your parents -- or if she does, she wants one that exists only at a distance. I have no idea why that is. Maybe its on her end, maybe it's on yours, maybe it's your parents. Most likely, it's some combination, but she's drawing some pretty hard boundaries. And she's telling you that she needs to keep those boundaries, even this year.

Whether you want to do the work -- and it will be work -- to figure out why she feels like she needs these boundaries is up to you. Be prepared that, if you do and she's willing, the best case scenario will require some hard conversations, hurt feelings and a willingness to take an unflinching look at your own behavior and memories. But from what you've been posting, her decision not to be with you guys for the holidays this year is completely consistent.

Question, though: have you ever asked her why she stays away? And I mean asked and then just listened to the answer without trying to argue or justify?

+1,000

I've never asked her. I think people have gotten this impression that I've pressured her to come visit. I call her up about once a week and listen to her talk about her stuff for about an hour. Rinse and repeat the next week. I can't remember the last time she's ever asked about my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP - OP, this isn't about the holidays. That's a symptom of the underlying issue. Your sister doesn't want to have a relationship with you or your parents -- or if she does, she wants one that exists only at a distance. I have no idea why that is. Maybe its on her end, maybe it's on yours, maybe it's your parents. Most likely, it's some combination, but she's drawing some pretty hard boundaries. And she's telling you that she needs to keep those boundaries, even this year.

Whether you want to do the work -- and it will be work -- to figure out why she feels like she needs these boundaries is up to you. Be prepared that, if you do and she's willing, the best case scenario will require some hard conversations, hurt feelings and a willingness to take an unflinching look at your own behavior and memories. But from what you've been posting, her decision not to be with you guys for the holidays this year is completely consistent.

Question, though: have you ever asked her why she stays away? And I mean asked and then just listened to the answer without trying to argue or justify?

+1,000

I've never asked her. I think people have gotten this impression that I've pressured her to come visit. I call her up about once a week and listen to her talk about her stuff for about an hour. Rinse and repeat the next week. I can't remember the last time she's ever asked about my life.

Well if you don’t enjoy talking to her, stop calling. If you’re calling her once/wk no wonder she never calls- she doesn’t get the chance to. Maybe she would, maybe she wouldn’t.

You just aren’t close at this time. Some sisters are, some aren’t. Either accept it or try to work on it. But it takes two and if she isn’t interested, she isn’t interested. Also sometimes there are phases in life and the “closeness” comes and goes. It just depends.

I understand that is hard to accept but it is just the way it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP - OP, this isn't about the holidays. That's a symptom of the underlying issue. Your sister doesn't want to have a relationship with you or your parents -- or if she does, she wants one that exists only at a distance. I have no idea why that is. Maybe its on her end, maybe it's on yours, maybe it's your parents. Most likely, it's some combination, but she's drawing some pretty hard boundaries. And she's telling you that she needs to keep those boundaries, even this year.

Whether you want to do the work -- and it will be work -- to figure out why she feels like she needs these boundaries is up to you. Be prepared that, if you do and she's willing, the best case scenario will require some hard conversations, hurt feelings and a willingness to take an unflinching look at your own behavior and memories. But from what you've been posting, her decision not to be with you guys for the holidays this year is completely consistent.

Question, though: have you ever asked her why she stays away? And I mean asked and then just listened to the answer without trying to argue or justify?

+1,000

I've never asked her. I think people have gotten this impression that I've pressured her to come visit. I call her up about once a week and listen to her talk about her stuff for about an hour. Rinse and repeat the next week. I can't remember the last time she's ever asked about my life.

Well if you don’t enjoy talking to her, stop calling. If you’re calling her once/wk no wonder she never calls- she doesn’t get the chance to. Maybe she would, maybe she wouldn’t.

You just aren’t close at this time. Some sisters are, some aren’t. Either accept it or try to work on it. But it takes two and if she isn’t interested, she isn’t interested. Also sometimes there are phases in life and the “closeness” comes and goes. It just depends.

I understand that is hard to accept but it is just the way it is.

It is hard to accept. We were very close as kids, but she just doesn't seem interested in a relationship as adults.

[Anonymous]

OP, for whatever reason, your sister doesn't want to spend the holidays with her family of origin. My father was undeniably abusive to me as a child, my sister never experienced it, and would have the same reaction as you. I too go out of town for each holiday so I have a reason not to be with my FOO.

Obviously, I'm projecting...but it really sounds like your sister doesn't want to be there. It's none of your business. Do some soul searching. Is there a reason she could have for not wanting to be there? If so, your father's recent surgery does not provide him sainthood and command her forgiveness and presence.

[Anonymous]

I've never asked her. I think people have gotten this impression that I've pressured her to come visit. I call her up about once a week and listen to her talk about her stuff for about an hour. Rinse and repeat the next week. I can't remember the last time she's ever asked about my life.

OP - you sound super whiny. If you want to talk about yourself then speak. Be interesting and upbeat but take some initiative. Don't wait to be asked. If she isn't interested or the idea of talking about yourself without someone beating it out of you or fawning over you bothers you then don't call her. It is that easy.

Its up to her where she spends the holidays. It doesn't mean that likes or dislikes you. It simply means that she does not feel obligated to spend the holidays with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, for whatever reason, your sister doesn't want to spend the holidays with her family of origin. My father was undeniably abusive to me as a child, my sister never experienced it, and would have the same reaction as you. I too go out of town for each holiday so I have a reason not to be with my FOO.

Obviously, I'm projecting...but it really sounds like your sister doesn't want to be there. It's none of your business. Do some soul searching. Is there a reason she could have for not wanting to be there? If so, your father's recent surgery does not provide him sainthood and command her forgiveness and presence.

My dad didn't "command" anyone to do anything. He asked if we could be together for the holidays.

I certainly hope he wasn't abusive; I was never aware of anything. My parents have never had substance abuse issues, never raised their voices to us, sent us to great schools, provided us with every opportunity, etc. They enabled my sister's passions and paid for her to go to her dream schools.

[Anonymous]

My dad didn't "command" anyone to do anything. He asked if we could be together for the holidays.

You're treating it as a command and your sister isn't. My MIL asks for many things and would love it if we saw every request as an obligation. We do not.

[Anonymous]

You should change your subject to “Maybe I’m the jerk?”

I can see why she stays away

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t go home for Xmas and only talk to my brother once a year because he is an a-hole. My mother is an alcoholic and I don’t want to be around her either. OP, stop being an a-hole and leave your sister alone!

I'm not an alcoholic, nor is anyone in my family. I haven't I done anything other than thought my sister was coming because she said she was. Please don't project your family's issues onto mine.

I've never once pressured her to spend any time with the family. If anything, I've been too passive and not asked her why she doesn't want to spend time with us. You all seem to think I'm pressuring her, but I don't think I've done that at all.

Yet here you are making a big post about it and calling her a jerk. You need to look at your role in this.

[Anonymous]

When did you last spend the holidays all together? I figured out as an adult that as much as I love my parents, holidays at their place weren't very pleasant because they're so stressed out. I'm happy to visit with them, but holidays aren't the right time.