Vent about my sister just being a jerk

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it truly unreasonable to request an adult child spend the holidays with family after a major medical event?

No, of course not - the operative word being request.

While this family's way of communicating is strange, and OP is trying to make it seem as if that's the issue here, it's obvious that it isn't. The issue is that OP is mad her sister isn't coming because Dad asked. OP thinks it was a summons, not a request.

OP here. That really wasn’t it. The issue is she said she’d come and then, with no explanation, decided to go on vacation instead. I know most of you think it’s fine to do whatever you want with no explanation for your family, but for others of us it’s considered rude.

My parents have spoken with her about it and I am calling her today.

So what did she say??

[Anonymous]

At some point, op, your dad has got to get back to living a normal life. You say he'll be ok, now it's time for him to be ok with all that entails.

I agree with the poster who says you don't summon another adult and dictate to that person how they spend their time. Invite yes, ask yes, but summons, no.

On the surface, it was rude of your sister to just send the flight info.
You know how your family works though, is it possible that she'd be yelled at by your dad if she said "Hey Dad, Johnny and I are taking a cruise" v. just presenting your dad with the info?

We all know adults who behave in such a manner that the only way to maintain your boundaries is to simply not participate. Maybe your dad is one of those people, if not with you, then with your sister perhaps?

Know too that your sister's behavior only impacts you if you let it. You can visit your dad as much as you'd like. Save the emotional work for people who do have an impact on you.

Another possibility is that the trip may have been a surprise from her husband.

[Anonymous]

At some point, op, your dad has got to get back to living a normal life. You say he'll be ok, now it's time for him to be ok with all that entails.

I agree with the poster who says you don't summon another adult and dictate to that person how they spend their time. Invite yes, ask yes, but summons, no.

On the surface, it was rude of your sister to just send the flight info.
You know how your family works though, is it possible that she'd be yelled at by your dad if she said "Hey Dad, Johnny and I are taking a cruise" v. just presenting your dad with the info?

We all know adults who behave in such a manner that the only way to maintain your boundaries is to simply not participate. Maybe your dad is one of those people, if not with you, then with your sister perhaps?

Know too that your sister's behavior only impacts you if you let it. You can visit your dad as much as you'd like. Save the emotional work for people who do have an impact on you.

Another possibility is that the trip may have been a surprise from her husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one, especially not adults, like to be guilted and forced into family or social events.
Invite someone but be totally ok if they come or not. Your choice is to invite them. It is their choice to come or not.

do you not see how entirely banal your insight is? is there anyone who believes OP should kidnap her sister and force her to come? why do people feel they must repeated these trite messages.

everybody understands people have choices. this is precisely why we are criticizing the sister. if she didn't have a choice there would be nothing to object to.

Calling someone a 'jerk' for making a choice that you didn't want them to make doesn't sound like someone who understands that the sister had no obligation to attend this holiday party the OP wants her to.
Can OP be disappointed? Sure. But to call names and fuss for 10 pages about the sister and how aweful she is? Nope.

calling someone a jerk for making a choice you strongly disapprove of is entirely constant with the acknowledgment that she had a right to make that choice.

the problem with Americans is that they want to understand family relations in terms of rights. but that is complete nonsense and one of he reasons people in many poorer countries are so much happier.

Good. Let them enjoy their poor countries. Glad I know now that they are happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is no universe where sending flight and hotel information in the absence of anything else after it was agreed that the family would get together for the holidays is normal. You all are frickin' nuts to suggest that. It's not normal to bail on family plans in that manner. Obviously she isn't required to be there, but she never should have agreed to come if they really wanted to do these other trips, and if they're going to cancel, at least say something rather than a cold flight and hotel itinerary. That's sick actually.

+1. This is pretty cold, and I don’t blame OP for being upset.

But isn't it also strange that sister just sent along the flight info with no comment, and then NO ONE reached out to her to say.... anything? Everyone just shrugs and moves along? OP said they were close as kids, so what's changed? The whole dynamic here is very odd and it's not just the sister.

And that OP can't just call her sis up and say, hey I thought y'all were coming here for the holidays? And that people are insisting that saying that you your sibling is somehow overstepping boundaries. All of these people are weird. Sis may be self-involved but the rest of the family is passive aggressive.

I guess, but most people on this thread seem to think the sister’s way of communicating—or not—is totally normal and questioning it is horrible.

I don’t think any one has said the way the sister communicated was in good form. What I and I think others have said is a. each sibling has their own relationship and experience with parents and other siblings should not meddle, take sides or judge b. the holidays are not the end all be all, people have limited time off and obligations to spouses, in-laws, friends and themselves. The sister has visited parents this year and seen OP during summer c.this relationship has been distant for years and neither OP or parents know why, that’s a problem that will not magically resolve itself.

Right. The OP is pissed at her sister, and perhaps rightly so, but no one in the family has sought to figure out why the sister has been distant all these years. It's unreasonable to expect that because the dad had a health scare, everyone's going to come together to kumbaya and just forget that the past ever happened. Life doesn't work that way.

Agree. It is weird that people think others will/should change their demeanor over a life event. That they will magically start acting & doing how others want them to. Sounds dysfunctional to expect this.

[Anonymous]

your sister is an insensitive JERK!! If my sister i would have disowned her right on the spot.