Vent about my sister just being a jerk

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, for what it's worth, I understand where you are coming from. There are lots of opinions on this site, most who point fingers at you, but I'll give you a different perspective because I have a similar situation with my sister. Lest I be accused of "projecting" let me plead guilty right away, simply because we look at situations based on our own life experiences.

By your description it sounds like your sister has a healthy case of self-interest. The fact you said she never calls you, and when you call her (regularly) all she does is talk about herself. The fact that your father reached out to get to know her DH and she rebuffed him. The fact she "communicated" with you by sending bare-bones flight information with no further explanation. The fact she has zero interest in spending time with any of you even after your father had a serious health scare.

These are indicators (and I'm sure you've got many more) of a person whose focus is primarily on themselves. She is who she is. She will not change. My sister has similar actions and personality traits. She absolutely will NOT call anyone else in the family but expects us to call her. When we do call her the entire conversation is one-sided about her life, her activities, etc. and she will never ask about nor listen to anyone else. However, she will dramatize and sadly make it a point to tell others about how she "never hears" from her family as though we've abandoned her.

Once I heard this, it was a turning point for me. Since I know the FACTS are that we all called her regularly. It's almost as if she expected us to grovel and beg for a connection with her, and she was not required to do anything reciprocal to keep the relationships going. The only problem is we are all tired of groveling. Likewise, your sister's rudely abrupt way of "communicating" that she's not coming smacks of someone who wants everyone to call her up and beg her to come and spend the holidays. Don't do it - you are better off without her.

Not knowing the facts of the health scare but based on his request to all spend the holidays together I am wondering if your parents may know more about the seriousness of his health condition than they are saying. If I were you, I'd plan on a wonderful holiday time together with him. Forget about your sister and don't even bother playing her narcissistic games. Enjoy every minute with your parents no matter how imperfect and annoying they are.

All I can say from experience is that once your parents die, it's amazing how your perspective changes. I'd give anything to have both of mine back for 5 minutes.

Same here. My sibling was like yours and was distant/estranged and did what OP’s sister has done. When our parent had a stroke and later died sibling was sobbing and blowing snot over their hospital bed with regrets.

[Anonymous]

This sounds just like my sister in law who it turned out was being terribly abused by her husband, who also didn’t want her seeing her family. You never know what goes on in people’s lives. It’s best not to assume you know their motivations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This sounds just like my sister in law who it turned out was being terribly abused by her husband, who also didn’t want her seeing her family. You never know what goes on in people’s lives. It’s best not to assume you know their motivations.

I wish I could connect more with her. I really try. Most of you are telling me I’m being an asshole when I honestly just want to talk to my sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I posted earlier and your additional comments do not clear up the fact that you don't truly know if she's coming 'during the holidays' or not. Her flight info only informs you of when she won't be with you. Has she in past said she'd do something and then not? To me the 'holidays' if it were Christmas could be from Dec 15-week of New Years. You seem most interested in seeing your sister as selfish rather than as an adult with a full life trying to fit everything in.

Op, first, I want to say that I understand why you are hurt. But I have the same questions as this poster.

When someone sends me an odd email with no explanation, I ask for clarification. I don't understand why you haven't addressed this. Certainly, you responded to the email. The most common sense thing to do is to ASK HER why she sent it. You can do it in a normal and cordial way. I would assume she sent it so you can work around her schedule. "Thanks for the itinerary, sis. It looks like you'll be home the week before Christmas, so I'll see if mom and dad can get together for a celebration on December 20th. Does that work for you?"

Or at the very least: Hi sis, your trip looks fun. As per our previous discussion, when are you guys available to get together for Thanksgiving? "

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:...you shouldn't be discussing your sister with your parents.

This is one of the most ridiculous statements I've read on DCUM. Since when are family members not to talk to each other about other family members?

So poster, when and if you have kids and one of them knows their sibling is doing drugs, or killing small animals, or stealing money from people or is getting the crap beat out of them by their spouse - they should just keep it to themselves, right? No need to call mom and dad and say, "Hey, I'm worried about sis/bro ...

See a therapist, friend. Trash talking your sister to your parents because she may have made other plans is not emotionally healthy behavior. Very different from spousal abuse or killing animals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I posted earlier and your additional comments do not clear up the fact that you don't truly know if she's coming 'during the holidays' or not. Her flight info only informs you of when she won't be with you. Has she in past said she'd do something and then not? To me the 'holidays' if it were Christmas could be from Dec 15-week of New Years. You seem most interested in seeing your sister as selfish rather than as an adult with a full life trying to fit everything in.

Op, first, I want to say that I understand why you are hurt. But I have the same questions as this poster.

When someone sends me an odd email with no explanation, I ask for clarification. I don't understand why you haven't addressed this. Certainly, you responded to the email. The most common sense thing to do is to ASK HER why she sent it. You can do it in a normal and cordial way. I would assume she sent it so you can work around her schedule. "Thanks for the itinerary, sis. It looks like you'll be home the week before Christmas, so I'll see if mom and dad can get together for a celebration on December 20th. Does that work for you?"

Or at the very least: Hi sis, your trip looks fun. As per our previous discussion, when are you guys available to get together for Thanksgiving? "

I can ask her. One problem is they live across the country and do not make that many trips back east. Usually it's once a year; the fact that they are traveling during both times suggests to me that they won't be around for either holiday. However, I can certainly ask and clarify.

About her track record: Yes, she consistently says she'll be around for family things and then bails.

[Anonymous]

I love my sister but it’s all about her. She never asks about my children and now my grandchildren. She was too busy to attend two of my children’s weddings. She lives ten minutes from our mother but rarely calls or visits her. But she had no problem asking me for a $50,000 loan which I freely gave because she is my sister. My husband just rolls his eyes. A few years ago she openly said “I’m just not really into family.” Yes, I’m guilty!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This sounds just like my sister in law who it turned out was being terribly abused by her husband, who also didn’t want her seeing her family. You never know what goes on in people’s lives. It’s best not to assume you know their motivations.

I wish I could connect more with her. I really try. Most of you are telling me I’m being an asshole when I honestly just want to talk to my sister.

NP here. I don’t think you’re being an asshole, but I think you’re making this a bigger thing than it is. If you want to talk to your sister, talk to your sister. You say that entails having to hear her talk about herself, but that speaks to a need for you to reframe your conversations. If you want to connect with her, you know you’re the one who has to make the effort, and just do it because you love her and want to chat. You can jump in with info about yourself, even call attention to her hogging the conversation (“okay, now it’s my turn!”).

My kids are all grown, and I routinely call them every Sunday. If I didn’t call them on Sundays, would they call me? Most of them would, but I’m pretty sure my son wouldn’t. We love each other, all is fine, but that’s how it goes.

About the situation with your parents, there’s a concept known as triangulation. I know my mom used it on me for decades before I realized how poisonous it was to me and my siblings. I’m the favored child, and my brother is the scapegoat (other sibs stand in from time to time as the scapegoat). My mom would talk to me about my sibs’ conversations with her, and I thought I was being helpful by lending an ear, but I was only reinforcing that (a) I was a special child who was the most responsive, and (b) it was appropriate for her to air her woes with me.

Once I learned what was going on, I refused to engage with my mom whenever she would bemoan something that one of my sibs did. In this case, if your dad is genuinely upset, you should let him know that he might want to bring it up with your sister. Beyond that, it’s not your job to soothe your parents as it regards their relationships with their other kids. I know you think you’re being helpful, but you’re not. Been there, done that.

Be open and honest with your sister. Keep as connected as you can. And reframe your idea of what a close sibling relationship looks like, because clearly your image is not consistent with your sister’s reality. Good luck.

Also, sorry to hear about your dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This sounds just like my sister in law who it turned out was being terribly abused by her husband, who also didn’t want her seeing her family. You never know what goes on in people’s lives. It’s best not to assume you know their motivations.

I wish I could connect more with her. I really try. Most of you are telling me I’m being an asshole when I honestly just want to talk to my sister.

If you just want to talk to your sister, TALK to her. You say you haven't even responded to her email as yet, but yet you're harassing your father about her email. People might be calling you an asshole because you seem hell bent on demonizing your sister (to strangers and to your parents) instead of trying to communicate with her. Now you say she's always done this, then why make such a big deal out of it this time? You "thought she would have changed." Why? Has there even been a frank conversation where you truly try to reach each other? It's as if you have a well-established dysfunctional relationship and are using this latest episode to reinforce whatever negativity you already feel toward her.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like her dh is a controlling abuser. Why else would she not allow your dad to get to know her dh?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This sounds just like my sister in law who it turned out was being terribly abused by her husband, who also didn’t want her seeing her family. You never know what goes on in people’s lives. It’s best not to assume you know their motivations.

I wish I could connect more with her. I really try. Most of you are telling me I’m being an asshole when I honestly just want to talk to my sister.

If you just want to talk to your sister, TALK to her. You say you haven't even responded to her email as yet, but yet you're harassing your father about her email. People might be calling you an asshole because you seem hell bent on demonizing your sister (to strangers and to your parents) instead of trying to communicate with her. Now you say she's always done this, then why make such a big deal out of it this time? You "thought she would have changed." Why? Has there even been a frank conversation where you truly try to reach each other? It's as if you have a well-established dysfunctional relationship and are using this latest episode to reinforce whatever negativity you already feel toward her.

Harassing? What? I asked him if he had seen it and he said yes, and then said what I posted earlier. I don't understand how that's harassment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like her dh is a controlling abuser. Why else would she not allow your dad to get to know her dh?

I don't know, but apparently I'm the asshole.

My husband has gotten to know my parents. I've gotten to know his. We spend time with our families. I guess that makes us weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This sounds just like my sister in law who it turned out was being terribly abused by her husband, who also didn’t want her seeing her family. You never know what goes on in people’s lives. It’s best not to assume you know their motivations.

I wish I could connect more with her. I really try. Most of you are telling me I’m being an asshole when I honestly just want to talk to my sister.

If you just want to talk to your sister, TALK to her. You say you haven't even responded to her email as yet, but yet you're harassing your father about her email. People might be calling you an asshole because you seem hell bent on demonizing your sister (to strangers and to your parents) instead of trying to communicate with her. Now you say she's always done this, then why make such a big deal out of it this time? You "thought she would have changed." Why? Has there even been a frank conversation where you truly try to reach each other? It's as if you have a well-established dysfunctional relationship and are using this latest episode to reinforce whatever negativity you already feel toward her.

Harassing? What? I asked him if he had seen it and he said yes, and then said what I posted earlier. I don't understand how that's harassment.

Is that really all you noticed? It says a lot that you now choose sarcasm instead of answering any of the questions you've been asked.

[Anonymous]

Was your sister a selfish douche all the life? If not, when did this start?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This sounds just like my sister in law who it turned out was being terribly abused by her husband, who also didn’t want her seeing her family. You never know what goes on in people’s lives. It’s best not to assume you know their motivations.

I wish I could connect more with her. I really try. Most of you are telling me I’m being an asshole when I honestly just want to talk to my sister.

If you just want to talk to your sister, TALK to her. You say you haven't even responded to her email as yet, but yet you're harassing your father about her email. People might be calling you an asshole because you seem hell bent on demonizing your sister (to strangers and to your parents) instead of trying to communicate with her. Now you say she's always done this, then why make such a big deal out of it this time? You "thought she would have changed." Why? Has there even been a frank conversation where you truly try to reach each other? It's as if you have a well-established dysfunctional relationship and are using this latest episode to reinforce whatever negativity you already feel toward her.

Harassing? What? I asked him if he had seen it and he said yes, and then said what I posted earlier. I don't understand how that's harassment.

Is that really all you noticed? It says a lot that you now choose sarcasm instead of answering any of the questions you've been asked.

I've already answered those questions in other posts.