Vent about my sister just being a jerk

[Anonymous]

Presumably your dad is an adult and can manage his feelings and expectations regarding his daughter. Tend to your own relationship with your dad and let your sister have the relationship she wants -- or doesn't want -- with your dad

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is no universe where sending flight and hotel information in the absence of anything else after it was agreed that the family would get together for the holidays is normal. You all are frickin' nuts to suggest that. It's not normal to bail on family plans in that manner. Obviously she isn't required to be there, but she never should have agreed to come if they really wanted to do these other trips, and if they're going to cancel, at least say something rather than a cold flight and hotel itinerary. That's sick actually.

+1. This is pretty cold, and I don’t blame OP for being upset.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is no universe where sending flight and hotel information in the absence of anything else after it was agreed that the family would get together for the holidays is normal. You all are frickin' nuts to suggest that. It's not normal to bail on family plans in that manner. Obviously she isn't required to be there, but she never should have agreed to come if they really wanted to do these other trips, and if they're going to cancel, at least say something rather than a cold flight and hotel itinerary. That's sick actually.

+1. This is pretty cold, and I don’t blame OP for being upset.

But isn't it also strange that sister just sent along the flight info with no comment, and then NO ONE reached out to her to say.... anything? Everyone just shrugs and moves along? OP said they were close as kids, so what's changed? The whole dynamic here is very odd and it's not just the sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is no universe where sending flight and hotel information in the absence of anything else after it was agreed that the family would get together for the holidays is normal. You all are frickin' nuts to suggest that. It's not normal to bail on family plans in that manner. Obviously she isn't required to be there, but she never should have agreed to come if they really wanted to do these other trips, and if they're going to cancel, at least say something rather than a cold flight and hotel itinerary. That's sick actually.

+1. This is pretty cold, and I don’t blame OP for being upset.

But isn't it also strange that sister just sent along the flight info with no comment, and then NO ONE reached out to her to say.... anything? Everyone just shrugs and moves along? OP said they were close as kids, so what's changed? The whole dynamic here is very odd and it's not just the sister.

And that OP can't just call her sis up and say, hey I thought y'all were coming here for the holidays? And that people are insisting that saying that you your sibling is somehow overstepping boundaries. All of these people are weird. Sis may be self-involved but the rest of the family is passive aggressive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is no universe where sending flight and hotel information in the absence of anything else after it was agreed that the family would get together for the holidays is normal. You all are frickin' nuts to suggest that. It's not normal to bail on family plans in that manner. Obviously she isn't required to be there, but she never should have agreed to come if they really wanted to do these other trips, and if they're going to cancel, at least say something rather than a cold flight and hotel itinerary. That's sick actually.

+1. This is pretty cold, and I don’t blame OP for being upset.

But isn't it also strange that sister just sent along the flight info with no comment, and then NO ONE reached out to her to say.... anything? Everyone just shrugs and moves along? OP said they were close as kids, so what's changed? The whole dynamic here is very odd and it's not just the sister.

And that OP can't just call her sis up and say, hey I thought y'all were coming here for the holidays? And that people are insisting that saying that you your sibling is somehow overstepping boundaries. All of these people are weird. Sis may be self-involved but the rest of the family is passive aggressive.

I guess, but most people on this thread seem to think the sister’s way of communicating—or not—is totally normal and questioning it is horrible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is no universe where sending flight and hotel information in the absence of anything else after it was agreed that the family would get together for the holidays is normal. You all are frickin' nuts to suggest that. It's not normal to bail on family plans in that manner. Obviously she isn't required to be there, but she never should have agreed to come if they really wanted to do these other trips, and if they're going to cancel, at least say something rather than a cold flight and hotel itinerary. That's sick actually.

+1. This is pretty cold, and I don’t blame OP for being upset.

But isn't it also strange that sister just sent along the flight info with no comment, and then NO ONE reached out to her to say.... anything? Everyone just shrugs and moves along? OP said they were close as kids, so what's changed? The whole dynamic here is very odd and it's not just the sister.

And that OP can't just call her sis up and say, hey I thought y'all were coming here for the holidays? And that people are insisting that saying that you your sibling is somehow overstepping boundaries. All of these people are weird. Sis may be self-involved but the rest of the family is passive aggressive.

I guess, but most people on this thread seem to think the sister’s way of communicating—or not—is totally normal and questioning it is horrible.

I think it's bizarre all the way around. If sister needed to consult with her husband, SAY SO. If they decided to go in a different direction, SAY SO. She clearly has a pattern of not communicating if the family just sits by with this itinerary email as the only form of communication about it. This is whacko sister all the way. This would be a final straw for me to be honest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is no universe where sending flight and hotel information in the absence of anything else after it was agreed that the family would get together for the holidays is normal. You all are frickin' nuts to suggest that. It's not normal to bail on family plans in that manner. Obviously she isn't required to be there, but she never should have agreed to come if they really wanted to do these other trips, and if they're going to cancel, at least say something rather than a cold flight and hotel itinerary. That's sick actually.

+1. This is pretty cold, and I don’t blame OP for being upset.

But isn't it also strange that sister just sent along the flight info with no comment, and then NO ONE reached out to her to say.... anything? Everyone just shrugs and moves along? OP said they were close as kids, so what's changed? The whole dynamic here is very odd and it's not just the sister.

And that OP can't just call her sis up and say, hey I thought y'all were coming here for the holidays? And that people are insisting that saying that you your sibling is somehow overstepping boundaries. All of these people are weird. Sis may be self-involved but the rest of the family is passive aggressive.

I guess, but most people on this thread seem to think the sister’s way of communicating—or not—is totally normal and questioning it is horrible.

I don’t think any one has said the way the sister communicated was in good form. What I and I think others have said is a. each sibling has their own relationship and experience with parents and other siblings should not meddle, take sides or judge b. the holidays are not the end all be all, people have limited time off and obligations to spouses, in-laws, friends and themselves. The sister has visited parents this year and seen OP during summer c. this relationship has been distant for years and neither OP or parents know why, that’s a problem that will not magically resolve itself.

[Anonymous]

None of this is really out of character for OP's sister, so I'm not sure why all the teeth gnashing and hand wringing. Look, I get it, you felt like she made a commitment and now she's flitting off to wherever--but this is her MO.

I'm dealing with a similar situation right now. Grandpa passed on Saturday. Funeral is Wednesday. I'm sitting in the airport waiting for my flight to go to rural Wisconsin. My sister, when I called her to see what her plans were and if she wanted me to book her on the same flight, complained about how dare they schedule the funeral on a Wednesday, that's so inconvenient, blah blah blah. And yeah, I was mad. But you know what? My sister is a self-absorbed twit and that reaction was not out of the ordinary for her. So I said "Okay, let me know if you decide to go, here's my flight info" and hung up. It's who she is. She's not going to change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is no universe where sending flight and hotel information in the absence of anything else after it was agreed that the family would get together for the holidays is normal. You all are frickin' nuts to suggest that. It's not normal to bail on family plans in that manner. Obviously she isn't required to be there, but she never should have agreed to come if they really wanted to do these other trips, and if they're going to cancel, at least say something rather than a cold flight and hotel itinerary. That's sick actually.

+1. This is pretty cold, and I don’t blame OP for being upset.

But isn't it also strange that sister just sent along the flight info with no comment, and then NO ONE reached out to her to say.... anything? Everyone just shrugs and moves along? OP said they were close as kids, so what's changed? The whole dynamic here is very odd and it's not just the sister.

And that OP can't just call her sis up and say, hey I thought y'all were coming here for the holidays? And that people are insisting that saying that you your sibling is somehow overstepping boundaries. All of these people are weird. Sis may be self-involved but the rest of the family is passive aggressive.

I guess, but most people on this thread seem to think the sister’s way of communicating—or not—is totally normal and questioning it is horrible.

I don’t think any one has said the way the sister communicated was in good form. What I and I think others have said is a. each sibling has their own relationship and experience with parents and other siblings should not meddle, take sides or judge b. the holidays are not the end all be all, people have limited time off and obligations to spouses, in-laws, friends and themselves. The sister has visited parents this year and seen OP during summer c.this relationship has been distant for years and neither OP or parents know why, that’s a problem that will not magically resolve itself.

Right. The OP is pissed at her sister, and perhaps rightly so, but no one in the family has sought to figure out why the sister has been distant all these years. It's unreasonable to expect that because the dad had a health scare, everyone's going to come together to kumbaya and just forget that the past ever happened. Life doesn't work that way.

[Anonymous]

This sounds so much like my ILs family. Everyone is nice and i like them all, but god forbid anyone have a hard or uncomfortable conversation. Better to keep the peace and have years of distance/estrangement rather than acknowledge that anything is wrong. The appearance is more important. Case in point that the dad had to have everyone together "for the holidays". If the goal was spending time with his family, that could be any time. They could call sis and say "hey, since you're away at Christmas, can we get together in January?" But nope. "The holidays" make it a show.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This sounds familiar, have you posted before about this? Or maybe that was someone whose dad was trying to force everyone to go on a trip, but one sister's DH wasn't invited? I can't remember...

But yeah, he can invite you all, say how much it'd mean for him to have you together, and she's allowed to say no thanks.

Maybe ask her if there's another time she'd like to help get the family together, that's not the holidays?

I remember this... wasn't it a sailing trip? I am also curious if this is the same family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it truly unreasonable to request an adult child spend the holidays with family after a major medical event?

No, of course not - the operative word being request.

While this family's way of communicating is strange, and OP is trying to make it seem as if that's the issue here, it's obvious that it isn't. The issue is that OP is mad her sister isn't coming because Dad asked. OP thinks it was a summons, not a request.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it truly unreasonable to request an adult child spend the holidays with family after a major medical event?

No, of course not - the operative word being request.

While this family's way of communicating is strange, and OP is trying to make it seem as if that's the issue here, it's obvious that it isn't. The issue is that OP is mad her sister isn't coming because Dad asked. OP thinks it was a summons, not a request.

OP here. That really wasn’t it. The issue is she said she’d come and then, with no explanation, decided to go on vacation instead. I know most of you think it’s fine to do whatever you want with no explanation for your family, but for others of us it’s considered rude.

My parents have spoken with her about it and I am calling her today.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it truly unreasonable to request an adult child spend the holidays with family after a major medical event?

No, of course not - the operative word being request.

While this family's way of communicating is strange, and OP is trying to make it seem as if that's the issue here, it's obvious that it isn't. The issue is that OP is mad her sister isn't coming because Dad asked. OP thinks it was a summons, not a request.

OP here. That really wasn’t it. The issue is she said she’d come and then, with no explanation, decided to go on vacation instead. I know most of you think it’s fine to do whatever you want with no explanation for your family, but for others of us it’s considered rude.

My parents have spoken with her about it and I am calling her today.

If this is your takeaway from the 11 page thread, I don't know what to tell ya. I hope everything works out for your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it truly unreasonable to request an adult child spend the holidays with family after a major medical event?

No, of course not - the operative word being request.

While this family's way of communicating is strange, and OP is trying to make it seem as if that's the issue here, it's obvious that it isn't. The issue is that OP is mad her sister isn't coming because Dad asked. OP thinks it was a summons, not a request.

OP here. That really wasn’t it. The issue is she said she’d come and then, with no explanation, decided to go on vacation instead. I know most of you think it’s fine to do whatever you want with no explanation for your family, but for others of us it’s considered rude.

My parents have spoken with her about it and I am calling her today.

OP, given your statements on this thread, and the other thread you started, that's complete BS. You can try to paint it any way you like, but the real issues are obvious.

Frankly, you sound exhausting, and I have some sympathy for your sister.