DH can't balance work and family. What should I do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Okay sounds like opinions are split. Just to clarify I am a doctor so capable of making a good salary. We are careful with money. I have encouraged him to consider a less stressful job. I try to be supportive but at some point I don't get vthe point of being in a relationship with someone who can't spare 5 minutes at 830 at night to check in with family.

You are really committed to turning the facts of his crappy job into a character flaw he has. This will end badly if you can’t stop.

Not taking a few minutes to connect with family is a character flaw. My dad works in a male-dominated field and says he can always tell when a man's wife has had a child because the man starts spending more and more time at work and taking less vacation time. (I only mention the male-dominated field thing because I work in a female-dominated field and have not had the opportunity to notice this, or not, for myself.)

Ah, comparing your dad to your DH, always a good approach

Seriously, what is your situation? Can he downsize to a $140 GS14 gig tomorrow, and nothing changes? Or do you have private school, big house, etc?

Huh? I'm not the OP, so no comparing happening here. And BTW, my dad did the exact same thing he comments about his male coworkers doing. Which led to my parents' divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Okay sounds like opinions are split. Just to clarify I am a doctor so capable of making a good salary. We are careful with money. I have encouraged him to consider a less stressful job. I try to be supportive but at some point I don't get vthe point of being in a relationship with someone who can't spare 5 minutes at 830 at night to check in with family.

I'm a lawyer PP married to biglaw DH. You're not wrong, but also she is already in the relationship with that person. So ultimately the fundamental choice is to accept or split.

I also try to be supportive and remind DH that he can trade down to less stress and less money. This is kind of a specific issue to lawyers though, that there are not that many good non-biglaw jobs in this area. Smaller firms exist but can also be demanding, and for less money, and in-house is hard to get. Gov't doesn't pay well and can also be hard to get. People do it, obviously, but I think it's a difficult trade-off, especially if you are at all motivated by prestige.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Okay sounds like opinions are split. Just to clarify I am a doctor so capable of making a good salary. We are careful with money. I have encouraged him to consider a less stressful job. I try to be supportive but at some point I don't get vthe point of being in a relationship with someone who can't spare 5 minutes at 830 at night to check in with family.

I'm a lawyer PP married to biglaw DH. You're not wrong, but also she is already in the relationship with that person. So ultimately the fundamental choice is to accept or split.

I also try to be supportive and remind DH that he can trade down to less stress and less money. This is kind of a specific issue to lawyers though, that there are not that many good non-biglaw jobs in this area. Smaller firms exist but can also be demanding, and for less money, and in-house is hard to get. Gov't doesn't pay well and can also be hard to get. People do it, obviously, but I think it's a difficult trade-off, especially if you are at all motivated by prestige.

Sorry YOU are already in the relationship with that person. Didn't see right away that you are OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Okay sounds like opinions are split. Just to clarify I am a doctor so capable of making a good salary. We are careful with money. I have encouraged him to consider a less stressful job. I try to be supportive but at some point I don't get vthe point of being in a relationship with someone who can't spare 5 minutes at 830 at night to check in with family.

You’re a doctor? So you have been through some version of this associate in a law firm thing during residency, and that’s probably why you see through it a little better than those who haven’t worked intensely outside the home. You have probably seen the other side of this at work too, where someone is dismissive of a spouse who doesn’t understand how VERY IMPORTANT work is vs someone who has a picnic dinner in the call room with his wife and kids during a break in a 30 hour shift.
You also gave up a lot to cut back and support his career after spending a decade training for yours. You have every right to be resentful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Okay sounds like opinions are split. Just to clarify I am a doctor so capable of making a good salary. We are careful with money. I have encouraged him to consider a less stressful job. I try to be supportive but at some point I don't get vthe point of being in a relationship with someone who can't spare 5 minutes at 830 at night to check in with family.

I'm a lawyer PP married to biglaw DH. You're not wrong, but also she is already in the relationship with that person. So ultimately the fundamental choice is to accept or split.

I also try to be supportive and remind DH that he can trade down to less stress and less money. This is kind of a specific issue to lawyers though, that there are not that many good non-biglaw jobs in this area. Smaller firms exist but can also be demanding, and for less money, and in-house is hard to get. Gov't doesn't pay well and can also be hard to get. People do it, obviously, but I think it's a difficult trade-off, especially if you are at all motivated by prestige.

It comes down to what is his motivation for working? Also maybe he will trade down to 40 hours in gov, but still hate the job, and be depressed he gave up golden ticket for ... THIS!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Okay sounds like opinions are split. Just to clarify I am a doctor so capable of making a good salary. We are careful with money. I have encouraged him to consider a less stressful job. I try to be supportive but at some point I don't get vthe point of being in a relationship with someone who can't spare 5 minutes at 830 at night to check in with family.

Capable of making a good salary means you currently don’t and he is carrying the burtso you can have time with the kids. He is also a guy and this may not be PC but a guy doesn’t want his wife more successful than him so he has added pressure to make partner. The simple solution to those 5 minutes is to text and ask when he is available.

[Anonymous]

[Post New]03/29/2019 11:19 Subject: DH can't balance work and family. What should I do? [Up]
Anonymous



Anonymous wrote:
There are plenty of men and women with big careers, including in big law, who make time for their families and for vacations. This is about priorities and values.


Eh, BigLaw is different now. He doesn’t have a choice if he wants to make partner.”

BS. I am in big law. It’s a heck of a lot easier now to balance work and family, between smartphones and the ability to work from home. Plenty of newly minted or about to be minted partners are doing the balancing act very well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Okay sounds like opinions are split. Just to clarify I am a doctor so capable of making a good salary. We are careful with money. I have encouraged him to consider a less stressful job. I try to be supportive but at some point I don't get vthe point of being in a relationship with someone who can't spare 5 minutes at 830 at night to check in with family.

Capable of making a good salary means you currently don’t and he is carrying the burtso you can have time with the kids. He is also a guy and this may not be PC but a guy doesn’t want his wife more successful than him so he has added pressure to make partner. The simple solution to those 5 minutes is to text and ask when he is available.

In the OP, she stated that she did ask if she could call him later, and he said “no.” This seems pretty shitty way to act toward your life partner. I can’t believe anyone is defending this guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Okay sounds like opinions are split. Just to clarify I am a doctor so capable of making a good salary. We are careful with money. I have encouraged him to consider a less stressful job. I try to be supportive but at some point I don't get vthe point of being in a relationship with someone who can't spare 5 minutes at 830 at night to check in with family.

Capable of making a good salary means you currently don’t and he is carrying the burtso you can have time with the kids. He is also a guy and this may not be PC but a guy doesn’t want his wife more successful than him so he has added pressure to make partner. The simple solution to those 5 minutes is to text and ask when he is available.

In the OP, she stated that she did ask if she could call him later, and he said “no.” This seems pretty shitty way to act toward your life partner. I can’t believe anyone is defending this guy.

Yes. These are the same people raising boys to believe that their wives shouldn’t outearn them and that it’s ok for them to ignore their responsibilities at home.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I offered to call back later and was told that wouldn't work either. As I mentioned earlier, he had had said he couldn't take a long weekend or meet for lunch or breakfast which I understood but refusing to take five minutes to say goodnight I don't understand. He also gets really angry when I make these suggestions saying I am setting him up to fail.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I offered to call back later and was told that wouldn't work either. As I mentioned earlier, he had had said he couldn't take a long weekend or meet for lunch or breakfast which I understood but refusing to take five minutes to say goodnight I don't understand. He also gets really angry when I make these suggestions saying I am setting him up to fail.

I think you should complety stop trying to make these arrangements with him and see what happens. Just go about your life with the assumption he's not available. If the kids ask about him, tell them they'll have to as him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I offered to call back later and was told that wouldn't work either. As I mentioned earlier, he had had said he couldn't take a long weekend or meet for lunch or breakfast which I understood but refusing to take five minutes to say goodnight I don't understand. He also gets really angry when I make these suggestions saying I am setting him up to fail.

Leave the man alone. He doesn’t want to be bothered with you. You are on vacation, he is at work. Let him be. You would annoy me as hell if you were my wife. Send me pictures, I will call and text you when I can but while you are on the beach, I am working 12 plus hour shifts

[Anonymous]

I am trying. I have decided to extend my stay with family. I was going to come back early so we could all do something together. I am working on finding a therapist who can help me with this issue. I want to make sure. I am not being reasonable and fair. Just really feel at a loss t this point

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am trying. I have decided to extend my stay with family. I was going to come back early so we could all do something together. I am working on finding a therapist who can help me with this issue. I want to make sure. I am not being reasonable and fair. Just really feel at a loss t this point

Stop setting yourself up for failure. You know perfectly well that if you come back early, he won't have time or will be annoyed. So don't. You're not unreasonable to want to see more of your husband, but you are unreasonable for continuing to ask for things you know he won't give. Stop doing all this work of reaching out, nagging him, trying to get him to do stuff with you, and let him see what it feels like to miss his family, rather than feel like his family is a source of nagging. Either he'll realize that he doesn't want to live that way, or you'll realize he really doesn't care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I offered to call back later and was told that wouldn't work either. As I mentioned earlier, he had had said he couldn't take a long weekend or meet for lunch or breakfast which I understood but refusing to take five minutes to say goodnight I don't understand. He also gets really angry when I make these suggestions saying I am setting him up to fail.

I think you should complety stop trying to make these arrangements with him and see what happens. Just go about your life with the assumption he's not available. If the kids ask about him, tell them they'll have to as him.

+1 I agree. And if he shows no interest in the kids for weeks on end, then you truly have an issue. You're a doctor OP, you deal with life and death. There are very few occasions where you can't step out and take 5 minutes a day (at some point in the day) to talk to your kids.