DH can't balance work and family. What should I do?

[Anonymous]

Throughout my life, I have heard women complain about men who don’t give them enough time. It is about the way they make you feel.

DH is a very busy surgeon but he doesn’t operate late every night. He comes home for dinner most nights and he wants to eat dinner with us. He has several colleagues who stay much later than he does. Some of them go work out before going home. I can think of 2 men who seem to avoid going home.

I have dated bankers and lawyers. When they are into you, they can check in. I have been surrounded by men working late. It is totally fine to take calls when working late. You could easily excuse yourself and make a personal call in your office. The more senior you are, the easier you can excuse yourself and make your kid’s soccer game a priority.

Sorry, it doesn’t sound like your DH is that into you and your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Throughout my life, I have heard women complain about men who don’t give them enough time. It is about the way they make you feel.

DH is a very busy surgeon but he doesn’t operate late every night. He comes home for dinner most nights and he wants to eat dinner with us. He has several colleagues who stay much later than he does. Some of them go work out before going home. I can think of 2 men who seem to avoid going home.

I have dated bankers and lawyers. When they are into you, they can check in. I have been surrounded by men working late. It is totally fine to take calls when working late. You could easily excuse yourself and make a personal call in your office. The more senior you are, the easier you can excuse yourself and make your kid’s soccer game a priority.

Sorry, it doesn’t sound like your DH is that into you and your kids.

This. And IDK about others but in my 9 years of biglaw — sure there were weeks in a row or sometimes even a month or two that was crazed but then it’d be followed by weeks or months that were fairly normal and you could make it home by 7-8; I didn’t do biglaw in DC but for my DC peers it was relatively normal to go home at 6:30-7 and then plan on working later for 1-3 hours. And during those normal weeks, yes you could go away for a weekend. So if your DH is never making it home for dinner, barely picking up the phone at work and telling you he can only go away for a weekend once in 3 years — to me that seems like it’s not about work but work is a convenient way to avoid life/family.

[Anonymous]

Wait - if you’re traveling for a major holiday, he’ll come for one night? Have you called him on that? Is he claiming that his firm is crazy busy on Dec 24, 26 and the Friday after thanksgiving so he can only take off Christmas and Thanksgiving day and that’s it? Bc give me a break. Sure there are unlucky deal and litigation teams that may get staffed on holidays but not year after year for EVERY holiday?! He’s avoiding and family life and biglaw presents a convenient excuse. But people are right — if he’s looking for reasons to not engage with the family, he’ll find them in a 9-5 too. I’m former biglaw but now govt - I work w a few 40 yr old guys who roll into work at 10 am (their wives also let them sleep in), so their day won’t end until 6-6:30, then they’re chatting it up with each other until 7 in no rush to leave, then they hit the office gym, return to gather their stuff by 8 and then commute home — and none have less than a 45 min commute. So yeah they stroll in at 9 pm from their govt job. If that’s not avoiding home life, IDK what is.

[Anonymous]

Depends on what he does.

My dad was a physician. He worked weekends, evenings, holidays, and had a full on-call schedule of hospital overnights. He was never available for calls to say goodnight or to check in. It was just never an issue because my mom didn't make it one. If he had a regular day, he was home for dinner. If he wasn't scheduled on a weekend day, he was home with us doing dad things. If he was scheduled on a holiday, we often packed up a holiday meal and brought it to the hospital.

I am an attorney. I try cases pretty regularly. I am in court pretty much daily. There are plenty of days when I can pick up a call while I am in court waiting for something to happen. There are also plenty of days I can't pick up a call or answer a text or come home on time if I am in trial, waiting for a sentencing hearing to start, or meeting with clients. I work for myself so I can schedule my cases to make the most of my schedule, but I can't always be available to my family when I am at work.