DH can't balance work and family. What should I do?

[Anonymous]

What is the plan for when he does not make partner?

[Anonymous]

“Work - Life Balance” is a grand myth.

Only delusional people believe it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I just want to know when things will get better. For years I have been operating like a single parent during the week. DH doesn't help the kids in the morning (I let him wake up whenever he wants to), he doesn't help in the evenings (he comes home between 8:30-9:00pm). On weekends he is more involved. He will play games with the kids and take them to sports practice. We rarely do any family activities other than go out to lunch or brunch a few times a year. For years, I have taken kids on weekend outings, trips and visits to my family (DH will only come done for 1 night on major holidays). We never go out together and he doesn't like to socialize much with other families or couples. Just wondering what's the point of living this kind of life?

Listen we both work full time b/c neither makes enough to have one of us downshift.

The point of all this is he can provide a type of life where you can be a present and primary parent — it’s economic specialization and is the most efficient

My DH is very involved in the kids b/c my job is more demanding and pays a bit more so we prioritize, but my kids are still in aftercare a long time, our house is a disaster, and we are always tired. Date nights?? What a joke. We don’t have money for a sitter, and besides we are too tired.

He is trying to provide a golden ticket which funds your PT work, frequent vacations, paid off home, and college for all your kids.

I honestly wished my DH has been more focused on the bottom line; we had both been idealistic in college and looked for jobs with purpose but now wish we looked for ones with pay.

Yes. OP — DH has made a lifestyle choice where he’s trying to make as much money as he can. But maybe you don’t need that? My DH did this initially too, and I told him I’d rather have a lot less money but have him as an equal co-parent than to be essentially a single parent with lots of money. So he quit and to a gov job. We’re a lot happier now, but gone are the dreams of private school for the kids, buying a house on a fancy neighborhood, etc. Have you both spoken about what kind of life you want?

[Anonymous]

Dh works for the government, I work in non profit. sure, I wish we made more, and I still feel like we work a lot (me more than him) but we try to devote all weekend to family stuff, dinners togethers most nights, and mornings together most mornings. We each travel so there's a lot of single parenting time during short bursts, but it evens out. We take family trips 2-3 times a year (usually west coast, sometimes warm weather in winter). We will not be able to send kids on full ride to an Ivy League, or live in a 5k sq foot house with a viking stove or drive a Mercedes, but when I think about what my family and kids need, its love and attention and the security of a working family unit. I would be miserable if I were rich but lonely and always in charge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dh works for the government, I work in non profit. sure, I wish we made more, and I still feel like we work a lot (me more than him) but we try to devote all weekend to family stuff, dinners togethers most nights, and mornings together most mornings. We each travel so there's a lot of single parenting time during short bursts, but it evens out. We take family trips 2-3 times a year (usually west coast, sometimes warm weather in winter). We will not be able to send kids on full ride to an Ivy League, or live in a 5k sq foot house with a viking stove or drive a Mercedes, but when I think about what my family and kids need, its love and attention and the security of a working family unit. I would be miserable if I were rich but lonely and always in charge.

I think most women feel the same way. Men who say they are working long hours at a stressful job “for the family” are telling themselves a big, fat lie.

[Anonymous]

Why are so many people lying about the mythical balance?

[Anonymous]

This is Op. I have suggested changing jobs and I have made sure we don't live an extravagant lifestyle. Kids go to public school, cars aren't fancy and we don't travel or spend much on entertainment. I really think my DH doesn't like family life

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am trying. I have decided to extend my stay with family. I was going to come back early so we could all do something together. I am working on finding a therapist who can help me with this issue. I want to make sure. I am not being reasonable and fair. Just really feel at a loss t this point

The problem is your guys have different priorities. Spending time with his family is not important to him. Or if it is, you need to sit down together and work out a way for him to leave because in his current job it won’t change. My husband and I both did biglaw for 5 years each. I’ve seen this dynamic a lot. It’s why we both left for the government before having kids. It’s important to us both to have time as a family. We have family dinner every night. Then we both work some more. But we were able to forego the biglaw salaries because we had other priorities and we worked out a plan to achieve them. Only your husband knows if that is something he wants to do. That’s the conversation you need to have with him - a conversation about where you both see your life going, not whether he can do a call on a particular day.

Also, for those who said government doesn’t pay well, it’s not biglaw but by any other measure it’s fine. After 8 years we are both gs15 and pulling in about 300k gross combined, which isn’t flashy but is enough to send 2 kids to good public schools. And we work 45-50 hour weeks instead of 70-80.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I just want to know when things will get better. For years I have been operating like a single parent during the week. DH doesn't help the kids in the morning (I let him wake up whenever he wants to), he doesn't help in the evenings (he comes home between 8:30-9:00pm). On weekends he is more involved. He will play games with the kids and take them to sports practice. We rarely do any family activities other than go out to lunch or brunch a few times a year. For years, I have taken kids on weekend outings, trips and visits to my family (DH will only come done for 1 night on major holidays). We never go out together and he doesn't like to socialize much with other families or couples. Just wondering what's the point of living this kind of life?

How old are your kids? Also, please realize there are lots of families that don’t take the kids on weekend outings and lots of trips. My parents didn’t have that kind of time or money. The first time we stayed in a hotel as a family was for my first cousins’s wedding and I was 16 ...and we drove there. My DH and are in a better financial situation and have flexible jobs - but even with that the LAST thing either of us wants to do is come up with something to do on a weekend where we can finally just be. We work socializing with other families into kid activities and school events or we plan to meet up with our friends on our own. Then again we are more social introverts that need down time so some of your list of what’s wrong with your DH wouldn’t even make me blink.

Your DH not handling morning drop off when he can - now that would have been the hill I would die on because I believe very strongly it’s hard to even quasi split child rearing responsibilities when you both work if one person literally has all the responsibility for logistics during the work week. Whichever part of the equation you get, it forces you to step up and be responsible for basic things like waking up early on a schedule, feeding your children, and getting them to or from daycare or school.It also helps bond you with your kids and allows you to be fully in charge without micromanagement from your partner. To put it this way, if you have less responsibility for your own child, than you would have for your dog, there is fundamental problem that I wouldn’t enable. I also wonder if this is the battle you need to focus on. Say he did more of the fundamental responsibility with the kids. Would you still be so angry about him not taking vacations and weekend trips?

[Anonymous]

OP - as trite as it sounds, the only thing you can control is how you react to his not being involved with the family.

It could be he can’t break away for 5 minutes because he has another 45 minutes to get something tedious done, and if he stops it’ll take him another 10 minutes to get back in the groove. It could be that he, incorrectly, feels like he can’t stop for 5-10 minutes because he’ll get in trouble with the client/partner. It could be that family stuff is harder than work for him, so he uses work as an excuse. It’s likely a combination of all three.

My suggestion would be to just assume he’s not available at all during the week and only for half a day on the weekend to take the kids somewhere. Hire help if you need it. If after a few months you’re still (understandably) resentful let him know that either things need to change (setting boundaries at work, new job, pushing back at work, etc). or you’re leaving. If you’re divorced, he may actually end up spending more time with the kids. Not as much as he would if he worked 40 hours and was home for dinner every night, but more than now.

Because in my experience as a senior associate in Big Law, is if they are going to fire you because you take one or two evenings off a week to have dinner with you’re family, you’re not essential to the practice (because they have another associate who will step in) and there for you aren’t likely to make partner, because you’re not essential to the practice.

[Anonymous]

9:50 poster.

The fourth option is that he WILL get fired/take off the deal if he stops for 5 minutes (in general, not if, say they are in the middle of a call/meeting). In that case, he’s screwed and should leave the firm ASAP. But you can’t make him realize that he has to realize that on his own

[Anonymous]

DP...option 5...
He really is having an affair or is addicted to drugs, and it was a bad time to FaceTime.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dh works for the government, I work in non profit. sure, I wish we made more, and I still feel like we work a lot (me more than him) but we try to devote all weekend to family stuff, dinners togethers most nights, and mornings together most mornings. We each travel so there's a lot of single parenting time during short bursts, but it evens out. We take family trips 2-3 times a year (usually west coast, sometimes warm weather in winter). We will not be able to send kids on full ride to an Ivy League, or live in a 5k sq foot house with a viking stove or drive a Mercedes, but when I think about what my family and kids need, its love and attention and the security of a working family unit. I would be miserable if I were rich but lonely and always in charge.

Amen. This is horrible in a marriage too, unless the man is very appreciative and still able to bond and teach his children something valuablez

[Anonymous]

Sounds like there is more here than just a good night with the kids, which by the way would be a great thing if it could be worked out. Talk to DH about this and suggest that you get counseling to help you work out balance. I suggest you call this number 1-855-382-5433 and tell them your situation. They are loving people and may have a wonderful solution. It seems like you need someone both of you can talk to and voice your concerns. Please do this for yourself, your marriage and especially for the kids. They need a DAD too. Blessing to you and your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like there is more here than just a good night with the kids, which by the way would be a great thing if it could be worked out. Talk to DH about this and suggest that you get counseling to help you work out balance. I suggest you call this number 1-855-382-5433 and tell them your situation. They are loving people and may have a wonderful solution. It seems like you need someone both of you can talk to and voice your concerns. Please do this for yourself, your marriage and especially for the kids. They need a DAD too. Blessing to you and your family.

OP, do NOT call this number. It’s Focus on the Family.