DH can't balance work and family. What should I do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are so many people lying about the mythical balance?

Nobody is lying. Some people are lucky enough to have the skills and opportunity to take a less lucrative but less demanding career path that still allows them to support their families. These people have decent work-life balance. They may wish at times they could be bold faced names in the Washington Post or have a lot more money as their colleagues with similar skillsets have accomplished, but life is about tradeoffs. Kids are only young for a short period of time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wife of biglaw senior associate here with 3 young kids. I get it. DH and I also basically never do date nights, he frequently is in the office all weekend, he almost never makes it home for bedtime, and he's about to bail on our long-planned spring break trip due to a case.

IMO you aren't overreacting but also you are. Yes, it's shitty that he can't spend 5 min to videochat at bedtime. But also, he says he can't do it and instead of accepting that, you wind up mad and sad and have a big argument. He's an adult and he's making choices all along the way here. You can either accept them and work with/around them, or spend a lot of your time angry and eventually divorce.

I'm not a SAHM by the way. I'm a lawyer myself. I made the choice to switch from biglaw to a smaller firm so that I can have more balance in my life. It's important to me to spend time with my kids, to get involved in other activities besides work work work, and to have a modicum of a social life without worrying that my weekend was going to be spent in the office. Do I wish those things were as important to my DH? Sure. Do I think he should listen to Cat's in the Cradle once or twice himself? Absolutely. Am I worried about his future relationships with his kids? A little bit. But I can't make him be different, and I make myself miserable getting pissed off all the time when he makes different choices. Instead, I choose to structure my life the way I want it, and I'm teaching my kids (ages 6, 4, 1) to be independent so that I don't need his help when he's not around.

In my case, I hope that my DH catches on to where his priorities should be, and every now and then we do talk priorities and what's the point of working so hard for money when you can't enjoy it. It could be worthwhile for you to check in with your DH on priorities and goals periodically. But sweating this small stuff is just a recipe for resentment.

OP - I think you do the above or start laying the groundwork for separation and divorce.

[Anonymous]

OP, is your DH under fire at his firm? In danger of being let go or being given the talk? Because his behavior indicates high anxiety/panic and suggests this is the case (or that he at least believes it is).

Signed,
Former Biglaw wife whose husband was fired for "performance"

[Anonymous]

Culture varies so widely by firm, nobody can say definitively what type of firm OP’s DH is at. We also don’t know what type of deal they made when OP decided to become a SAHM. Not wanting to FaceTime at work doesn’t seem that strange to me. Being a biglaw spouse sucks, for some more than others, but it’s hardly breaking news.

Now if OP wants her DH to get a new job and he doesn’t want to, that’s no different than any other lifestyle disagreement - where to live, how many kids to have, etc.

Have you had an honest heartfelt non-accusatory conversation with DH? What did he say?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are so many people lying about the mythical balance?

Nobody is lying. Some people are lucky enough to have the skills and opportunity to take a less lucrative but less demanding career path that still allows them to support their families. These people have decent work-life balance. They may wish at times they could be bold faced names in the Washington Post or have a lot more money as their colleagues with similar skillsets have accomplished, but life is about tradeoffs. Kids are only young for a short period of time.

This is correct and applies to the VAST majority of families I know. It helps if both parents work, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Culture varies so widely by firm, nobody can say definitively what type of firm OP’s DH is at. We also don’t know what type of deal they made when OP decided to become a SAHM. Not wanting to FaceTime at work doesn’t seem that strange to me. Being a biglaw spouse sucks, for some more than others, but it’s hardly breaking news.

Now if OP wants her DH to get a new job and he doesn’t want to, that’s no different than any other lifestyle disagreement - where to live, how many kids to have, etc.

Have you had an honest heartfelt non-accusatory conversation with DH? What did he say?

OP works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Culture varies so widely by firm, nobody can say definitively what type of firm OP’s DH is at. We also don’t know what type of deal they made when OP decided to become a SAHM. Not wanting to FaceTime at work doesn’t seem that strange to me. Being a biglaw spouse sucks, for some more than others, but it’s hardly breaking news.

Now if OP wants her DH to get a new job and he doesn’t want to, that’s no different than any other lifestyle disagreement - where to live, how many kids to have, etc.

Have you had an honest heartfelt non-accusatory conversation with DH? What did he say?

OP works.

She never said doing what. She could sell R&F for all we know. She seems to have a lot of PTO.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP its a tough situation to be in. I am married to a man who also works 24/7 and think the best thing to do is let go of expectations. Find a therapist. This may be a phase for him to make partner. Find your happiness in friendships, the gym, build your own life, stop chasing him, I know it is hard. I have the same resentment and have to remind myself of this.

I make as much money as my DH but have been able to find a "balance" in my job but not all jobs can provide that -- I respect my DH who LOVES his work and dedicates 100% to it and hope he can retire early!

Good luck. My key advice is focus on what will make you happy - you can't change him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am trying. I have decided to extend my stay with family. I was going to come back early so we could all do something together. I am working on finding a therapist who can help me with this issue. I want to make sure. I am not being reasonable and fair. Just really feel at a loss t this point

The problem is your guys have different priorities. Spending time with his family is not important to him. Or if it is, you need to sit down together and work out a way for him to leave because in his current job it won’t change. My husband and I both did biglaw for 5 years each. I’ve seen this dynamic a lot. It’s why we both left for the government before having kids. It’s important to us both to have time as a family. We have family dinner every night. Then we both work some more. But we were able to forego the biglaw salaries because we had other priorities and we worked out a plan to achieve them. Only your husband knows if that is something he wants to do. That’s the conversation you need to have with him - a conversation about where you both see your life going, not whether he can do a call on a particular day.

Also, for those who said government doesn’t pay well, it’s not biglaw but by any other measure it’s fine. After 8 years we are both gs15 and pulling in about 300k gross combined, which isn’t flashy but is enough to send 2 kids to good public schools. And we work 45-50 hour weeks instead of 70-80.

+1 to this. Picking fights about each separate incident is not constructive. You guys need to talk about what you want your lives to look like, and what steps to take to get closer to that.

[Anonymous]

This is OP. I just want to know when things will get better. For years I have been operating like a single parent during the week. DH doesn't help the kids in the morning (I let him wake up whenever he wants to), he doesn't help in the evenings (he comes home between 8:30-9:00pm). On weekends he is more involved. He will play games with the kids and take them to sports practice. We rarely do any family activities other than go out to lunch or brunch a few times a year. For years, I have taken kids on weekend outings, trips and visits to my family (DH will only come done for 1 night on major holidays). We never go out together and he doesn't like to socialize much with other families or couples. Just wondering what's the point of living this kind of life?

You seem fundamentally unhappy - and not just from work/life balance issues.

I don't think you're wrong in wanting your husband to be more engaged with the family or to have some social life, but it doesn't really sounds like he'd be up for that even if he was working 9-5.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Culture varies so widely by firm, nobody can say definitively what type of firm OP’s DH is at. We also don’t know what type of deal they made when OP decided to become a SAHM. Not wanting to FaceTime at work doesn’t seem that strange to me. Being a biglaw spouse sucks, for some more than others, but it’s hardly breaking news.

Now if OP wants her DH to get a new job and he doesn’t want to, that’s no different than any other lifestyle disagreement - where to live, how many kids to have, etc.

Have you had an honest heartfelt non-accusatory conversation with DH? What did he say?

OP works.

She never said doing what. She could sell R&F for all we know. She seems to have a lot of PTO.

She did. She is a physician.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Culture varies so widely by firm, nobody can say definitively what type of firm OP’s DH is at. We also don’t know what type of deal they made when OP decided to become a SAHM. Not wanting to FaceTime at work doesn’t seem that strange to me. Being a biglaw spouse sucks, for some more than others, but it’s hardly breaking news.

Now if OP wants her DH to get a new job and he doesn’t want to, that’s no different than any other lifestyle disagreement - where to live, how many kids to have, etc.

Have you had an honest heartfelt non-accusatory conversation with DH? What did he say?

OP works.

She never said doing what. She could sell R&F for all we know. She seems to have a lot of PTO.

She did. She is a physician.

You are missing the point. Maybe she works 1 or 2 days a week. Several of our peds do. Doesn’t mean she understands biglaw culture. Maybe she wants to ramp up to let him off the hook? She hasn’t said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Culture varies so widely by firm, nobody can say definitively what type of firm OP’s DH is at. We also don’t know what type of deal they made when OP decided to become a SAHM. Not wanting to FaceTime at work doesn’t seem that strange to me. Being a biglaw spouse sucks, for some more than others, but it’s hardly breaking news.

Now if OP wants her DH to get a new job and he doesn’t want to, that’s no different than any other lifestyle disagreement - where to live, how many kids to have, etc.

Have you had an honest heartfelt non-accusatory conversation with DH? What did he say?

OP works.

She never said doing what. She could sell R&F for all we know. She seems to have a lot of PTO.

She did. She is a physician.

You are missing the point. Maybe she works 1 or 2 days a week. Several of our peds do. Doesn’t mean she understands biglaw culture. Maybe she wants to ramp up to let him off the hook? She hasn’t said.

She still worked 60-80 hours a week for 8 years during medical school and residency. And the culture theee isn’t great. Basically, if you were scheduled to work, you had to be at the hospital one way or another.

Probably, unlike the SAHMS posting on this thread, she does understand the culture. And she knows that if he really wanted to talk to her, he would have been able to find some way to find five minutes sometime that night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Culture varies so widely by firm, nobody can say definitively what type of firm OP’s DH is at. We also don’t know what type of deal they made when OP decided to become a SAHM. Not wanting to FaceTime at work doesn’t seem that strange to me. Being a biglaw spouse sucks, for some more than others, but it’s hardly breaking news.

Now if OP wants her DH to get a new job and he doesn’t want to, that’s no different than any other lifestyle disagreement - where to live, how many kids to have, etc.

Have you had an honest heartfelt non-accusatory conversation with DH? What did he say?

OP works.

She never said doing what. She could sell R&F for all we know. She seems to have a lot of PTO.

She did. She is a physician.

You are missing the point. Maybe she works 1 or 2 days a week. Several of our peds do. Doesn’t mean she understands biglaw culture. Maybe she wants to ramp up to let him off the hook? She hasn’t said.

She still worked 60-80 hours a week for 8 years during medical school and residency. And the culture theee isn’t great. Basically, if you were scheduled to work, you had to be at the hospital one way or another.

Probably, unlike the SAHMS posting on this thread, she does understand the culture. And she knows that if he really wanted to talk to her, he would have been able to find some way to find five minutes sometime that night.

Still sounds more like a spouse issue than a work issue. Some women can handle this and some cannot. If OP cannot and her DH refuses to change then I guess she as a choice to make. Whether or not this is "normal" for biglaw is irrelevant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

This is OP. I just want to know when things will get better. For years I have been operating like a single parent during the week. DH doesn't help the kids in the morning (I let him wake up whenever he wants to), he doesn't help in the evenings (he comes home between 8:30-9:00pm). On weekends he is more involved. He will play games with the kids and take them to sports practice. We rarely do any family activities other than go out to lunch or brunch a few times a year. For years, I have taken kids on weekend outings, trips and visits to my family (DH will only come done for 1 night on major holidays). We never go out together and he doesn't like to socialize much with other families or couples. Just wondering what's the point of living this kind of life?

You seem fundamentally unhappy - and not just from work/life balance issues.

I don't think you're wrong in wanting your husband to be more engaged with the family or to have some social life, but it doesn't really sounds like he'd be up for that even if he was working 9-5.

This. If his outlook didn’t change when he became a father the first or second time then it won’t. Doesn’t matter if he has a big law job or a 9-5. Plenty of dads with 9-5 fill the rest with hobbies and guy stuff and still don’t spend time with family.
You guys don’t do date night or anything together? Then frankly what’s the point? Do you have sex? Talk about anything other than kids, schedule?
We don’t live the mythical perfect balance but we sure try. And no no lucrative and 80hr week jobs here for those reasons. We each have busy times at work and travel and the other picks up the slack but we like spending time together with kids and together by ourselves and go to concerts, restaurants, museums etc. because we got married to be together (kids or no kids) and spend our lives together and share in everything.