DH can't balance work and family. What should I do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am trying. I have decided to extend my stay with family. I was going to come back early so we could all do something together. I am working on finding a therapist who can help me with this issue. I want to make sure. I am not being reasonable and fair. Just really feel at a loss t this point

Don’t go back, OP. Find a job, stay near your family. Get a social life and some support with raising your kids. Your husband can come visit when he has time.
I pretty firmly believe that families can all love together even if it just means a few minutes here and there, the occasional family dinner, kisses and hugs when he gets home from work, etc. But if he can’t even give you that, then what’s the point?
Move back by your family. If he wants to change his behavior and get you back, then great. If he doesn’t, then you are in a good place to start again.

[Anonymous]

^^Families should all *live* together

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am trying. I have decided to extend my stay with family. I was going to come back early so we could all do something together. I am working on finding a therapist who can help me with this issue. I want to make sure. I am not being reasonable and fair. Just really feel at a loss t this point

From the view of someone in Big Law I completely understand many a situation where you cannot take that 5 minutes or it jeopardizes your career. Once he is partner, it’s way better. Unless you have lived it, you really have no idea. That said...it’s not unreasonable to want him to take 5 minutes. I also completely agree with prior posters to stop setting yourself up for failure and stop nagging him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am trying. I have decided to extend my stay with family. I was going to come back early so we could all do something together. I am working on finding a therapist who can help me with this issue. I want to make sure. I am not being reasonable and fair. Just really feel at a loss t this point

From the view of someone in Big Law I completely understand many a situation where you cannot take that 5 minutes or it jeopardizes your career. Once he is partner, it’s way better. Unless you have lived it, you really have no idea. That said...it’s not unreasonable to want him to take 5 minutes. I also completely agree with prior posters to stop setting yourself up for failure and stop nagging him.

Really? Like what? I am fascinated by these meetings that go late into the night where no one is allowed to leave, even for a moment. What if another client calls? What if you have to pee? What if a nursing mother needs to pump?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I never get this. Either he's a peon who has to work like this or be fired, but then a peon would find an easier job. Or he's a super important head honcho, but they have enough clout to set their own schedules.

I am in sales and make roughly $750k +/- . My income is straight commission. If I don’t pick up or get the deal done, I have no income plus lose current and future customer. Not everyone falls into your two categories.

[Anonymous]

Okay will stop making demands on his time and will do my own thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am trying. I have decided to extend my stay with family. I was going to come back early so we could all do something together. I am working on finding a therapist who can help me with this issue. I want to make sure. I am not being reasonable and fair. Just really feel at a loss t this point

From the view of someone in Big Law I completely understand many a situation where you cannot take that 5 minutes or it jeopardizes your career. Once he is partner, it’s way better. Unless you have lived it, you really have no idea. That said...it’s not unreasonable to want him to take 5 minutes. I also completely agree with prior posters to stop setting yourself up for failure and stop nagging him.

Really? Like what? I am fascinated by these meetings that go late into the night where no one is allowed to leave, even for a moment. What if another client calls? What if you have to pee? What if a nursing mother needs to pump?

You are on a deadline, you sit a conference room with several of your bosses working on language, strategies, etc. Your performance is being judged and you are seen as not committed if you leave. Sure you can go to the bathroom (sometimes...not during a deposition or arbitration or such unless a designated break). By law they must allow pumping. Alternatively, you have a 24 hour turn around on a project or short time frame and literally every minute counts. I pulled many an all nighter as an associate. Plus, the call would distract your train of thought while you can still be thinking about the issue on hand while you go to the bathroom. Unless the client call is urgent, your assistant takes a message and you call back when you can or have someone else respond.

[Anonymous]

I’ll add that with electronic filings you now have in many Courts until midnight to file documents so you get to push up against that deadline. This is not all law but it is Big Law.

[Anonymous]

OP, here is something to think about.

Do you feel that it is your husband's job to make you intrinsically happy.

My husband was in the military and then switched to the reserves, but has experienced many deployments and very long hours over the years. I will be honest, I built my own life with our family that frequently did not include him, and I rarely missed him. I love him, enjoy his company when he is around (now he is around more, but still works in a job with long hours).

I am there for my kids, and when they ask about him, I say that he loves them, he has to work late, and that they will see him soon. You haven't said how old your kids are, but once their bedtimes are later, he will absolutely see them more.

I doubt we make anywhere near what a biglaw/physician family would make, and somehow I manage to not be resentful-- and have had a whole village of spouses with similar outlooks over the years. I think it is personality driven.

If you miss him all the time, wonder if he's missing you and the kids, calling to ask him when he is going to call you-- you will be miserable. Maybe you aren't cut out to have an absentee spouse. It's impossible to determine if you are being "reasonable". Live your own independent life and be happy or get a divorce. A therapist may be a good idea to work through your feelings.

[Anonymous]

New poster here - I have read literally the whole 8 pages of this post and understand the whole thing. My DH is a senior associate in BigLaw and it is goddamn grueling. He is currently on month 3 of “I only need to get through the next week and it will be better”. We have 2 young kids and he hasn’t seen the youngest (who goes to bed early) on 3 days. But I will say he tries his damn hardest to get home and see our kids if he can before bedtime. And he makes a point to be at big things even if it means he has to stay up all night finishing a brief or something. So he will come to opening day of t ball next Saturday and then stay up all night finishing his work. There is a huge difference between a dad or mom who works a lot but tries to also be involved with their families and those who work a lot and are disconnected from their families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, here is something to think about.

Do you feel that it is your husband's job to make you intrinsically happy.

My husband was in the military and then switched to the reserves, but has experienced many deployments and very long hours over the years. I will be honest, I built my own life with our family that frequently did not include him, and I rarely missed him. I love him, enjoy his company when he is around (now he is around more, but still works in a job with long hours).

I am there for my kids, and when they ask about him, I say that he loves them, he has to work late, and that they will see him soon. You haven't said how old your kids are, but once their bedtimes are later, he will absolutely see them more.

I doubt we make anywhere near what a biglaw/physician family would make, and somehow I manage to not be resentful-- and have had a whole village of spouses with similar outlooks over the years. I think it is personality driven.

If you miss him all the time, wonder if he's missing you and the kids, calling to ask him when he is going to call you-- you will be miserable. Maybe you aren't cut out to have an absentee spouse. It's impossible to determine if you are being "reasonable". Live your own independent life and be happy or get a divorce. A therapist may be a good idea to work through your feelings.

+100.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, he is an associate in big law. I know the hours are long but is this what other spouses of big law deal with? How do you manage?

I’m in BigLaw (promoted now, no longer associate) and don’t work like he is. He is making a choice. You can see it in his comments that he is focused on billing not the work. He wants to bill so is likely actively seeking out more work instead of balancing his case load and family.

[Anonymous]

This is OP. I just want to know when things will get better. For years I have been operating like a single parent during the week. DH doesn't help the kids in the morning (I let him wake up whenever he wants to), he doesn't help in the evenings (he comes home between 8:30-9:00pm). On weekends he is more involved. He will play games with the kids and take them to sports practice. We rarely do any family activities other than go out to lunch or brunch a few times a year. For years, I have taken kids on weekend outings, trips and visits to my family (DH will only come done for 1 night on major holidays). We never go out together and he doesn't like to socialize much with other families or couples. Just wondering what's the point of living this kind of life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I just want to know when things will get better. For years I have been operating like a single parent during the week. DH doesn't help the kids in the morning (I let him wake up whenever he wants to), he doesn't help in the evenings (he comes home between 8:30-9:00pm). On weekends he is more involved. He will play games with the kids and take them to sports practice. We rarely do any family activities other than go out to lunch or brunch a few times a year. For years, I have taken kids on weekend outings, trips and visits to my family (DH will only come done for 1 night on major holidays). We never go out together and he doesn't like to socialize much with other families or couples. Just wondering what's the point of living this kind of life?

Listen we both work full time b/c neither makes enough to have one of us downshift.

The point of all this is he can provide a type of life where you can be a present and primary parent — it’s economic specialization and is the most efficient

My DH is very involved in the kids b/c my job is more demanding and pays a bit more so we prioritize, but my kids are still in aftercare a long time, our house is a disaster, and we are always tired. Date nights?? What a joke. We don’t have money for a sitter, and besides we are too tired.

He is trying to provide a golden ticket which funds your PT work, frequent vacations, paid off home, and college for all your kids.

I honestly wished my DH has been more focused on the bottom line; we had both been idealistic in college and looked for jobs with purpose but now wish we looked for ones with pay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I just want to know when things will get better. For years I have been operating like a single parent during the week. DH doesn't help the kids in the morning (I let him wake up whenever he wants to), he doesn't help in the evenings (he comes home between 8:30-9:00pm). On weekends he is more involved. He will play games with the kids and take them to sports practice. We rarely do any family activities other than go out to lunch or brunch a few times a year. For years, I have taken kids on weekend outings, trips and visits to my family (DH will only come done for 1 night on major holidays). We never go out together and he doesn't like to socialize much with other families or couples. Just wondering what's the point of living this kind of life?

I seriously don’t understand why you are staying there, OP. Go find PT work near your family. Give notice at your job, find a house to rent, and move this summer. Your husband can visit when he can. You won’t have much of a romantic relationship, but you don’t have much of one now anyway. And at least you will have people who love you and care about you and your children, and they will be a lot more available than your husband.