DH can't balance work and family. What should I do?

[Anonymous]

If he’s a surgeon, then this is normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:sorry OP, I feel for you and think its reasonable that your husband and father of the kids should take a 10 minute pause in his work at 8:30 pm to say good night to his family, who are on vacation without him because he is working.

The question is, is this typical for his field and his peers and he has to do this amount of work, or does he only think he does, and in essence chooses to? Unless he is conducting time sensitive transactions or surgery, he should take 10 minutes to acknowledge you guys and then go back to work, particularly if he is not expected to be home at any time.

The larger question is--what are you going to do? Do you see this changing at all--eg, is there an end in sight, or is this he nature of the profession or the nature of your spouse?

I’m a mom and I hate it when my husband tries to FaceTime while I am working. It interrupts my flow. It actually is a big deal, for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You guys are so mean. You must all be trolls. OP is being totally reasonable - if he wants to be part of a family he needs to do the bare minimum. Videochatting is not difficult.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You guys are so mean. You must all be trolls. OP is being totally reasonable - if he wants to be part of a family he needs to do the bare minimum. Videochatting is not difficult.

How much do you make? It’s not easy in a meeting, conference call or in front of a client/boss to just pick up the FaceTime. We have prearranged times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You guys are so mean. You must all be trolls. OP is being totally reasonable - if he wants to be part of a family he needs to do the bare minimum. Videochatting is not difficult.

It can be if say in a client meeting, negotiations, etc.

[Anonymous]

How old are children? What time do they go to bed? Have you signed on as a caregiver?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You guys are so mean. You must all be trolls. OP is being totally reasonable - if he wants to be part of a family he needs to do the bare minimum. Videochatting is not difficult.

How much do you make? It’s not easy in a meeting, conference call or in front of a client/boss to just pick up the FaceTime. We have prearranged times.

But he wasn’t able to video chat at 8:30 pm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You guys are so mean. You must all be trolls. OP is being totally reasonable - if he wants to be part of a family he needs to do the bare minimum. Videochatting is not difficult.

How much do you make? It’s not easy in a meeting, conference call or in front of a client/boss to just pick up the FaceTime. We have prearranged times.

If your kids go to bed at 8:30, then don’t schedule a meeting until 8:40.

I don’t really believe many people are scheduling meetings so late at night anyway.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like Biglaw to me.

~ biglaw spouse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You guys are so mean. You must all be trolls. OP is being totally reasonable - if he wants to be part of a family he needs to do the bare minimum. Videochatting is not difficult.

How much do you make? It’s not easy in a meeting, conference call or in front of a client/boss to just pick up the FaceTime. We have prearranged times.

But he wasn’t able to video chat at 8:30 pm.

Clearly you’ve never litigated, done deal work, and aren’t any kind of high level dr. It may shock you but client meetings for litigation/deal work are often still going on at 8:30 pm or even 11 pm, not do hospital operations cease then. I’m guessing for all of her whining, OPs also on other threads posting how “they” — as in DH — made their first million before 30 and are on their 8th million now and she’s enjoying the lifestyle he provides.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You and the kids are disturbing his time with the other woman. Quit it

Seriously.

+1

signed,

Voice of Experience

I told myself this was just BigLaw partner life, but in truth it wasn't just the hours that showed how little he cared for his family; it was the way he never told us he was going to be late, and never called to just say good night. I always had to guess whether he was coming, and tell the kids "maybe." It turns out it is hard to break away from a torrid affair with a 20-something associate, even when it could cost him his job as her supervisor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You guys are so mean. You must all be trolls. OP is being totally reasonable - if he wants to be part of a family he needs to do the bare minimum. Videochatting is not difficult.

How much do you make? It’s not easy in a meeting, conference call or in front of a client/boss to just pick up the FaceTime. We have prearranged times.

If your kids go to bed at 8:30, then don’t schedule a meeting until 8:40.

I don’t really believe many people are scheduling meetings so late at night anyway.

Lol. Tell that to biglaw and investment banking associates and partners — and it’s not that the meeting (which you have no say in) is scheduled at 8:30 — it’s the 6 pm call that’s still going and spinning off more and more for them to do. But you don’t worry your pretty little head about that, go enjoy the $$$$ he makes.

[Anonymous]

Gosh I guess you should get a job or a better paying job and move out

Then come back and tell us about how your au pair keeps letting your kids try to FaceTime you while you’re working

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Okay, need a reality check to see if I am overreacting. DH works long hours in a stressful job. Many evenings he doesn't come home in time to say good night to the kids. This week I have taken kids out of town for vacation. DH was very busy earlier this week but said his schedule would free up today. Last night kids and I videochatted with DH for about 10 minutes. He was at home and everything was okay. Also briefly spoke with him this morning. Today we tried to call him at around 8:30. He was still working and refused to pick up the video call. Txted to say he was working. Offered to wait and try again when he would be done with work but he still refused. I know he is busy with work but he couldn't take 5-10 minutes to say goodnight. Kids are old enough to understand. They said it was no big deal but it is a big deal to me. We also never go anywhere or do anything together. He refuses to take even one day off for a long weekend with us. I am really sad and really mad. Am I being unreasonable?

If you mean the phone call, it sounds like you had already spoken twice in a 24 hour period, last night and the next morning. If your kids are old enough to understand and said it was no big deal I don’t think he needs to say goodnight every night. When we travel as a couple and the kids are with grandparents we normally try every other day and prearrange the mutually convenient times. But sometimes things happen like someone gets back later than planned - on other side and we adapt. So the phone call is a bit overreacting IMO given that you already talked somewhat recently and your kids could care less.

As far as DH never taking a day off and having to vacation without DH, I would be upset BUT it’s not changing anything. Either accept it or move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You and the kids are disturbing his time with the other woman. Quit it

Seriously.

+1

signed,

Voice of Experience

I told myself this was just BigLaw partner life, but in truth it wasn't just the hours that showed how little he cared for his family; it was the way he never told us he was going to be late, and never called to just say good night. I always had to guess whether he was coming, and tell the kids "maybe." It turns out it is hard to break away from a torrid affair with a 20-something associate, even when it could cost him his job as her supervisor.

Could be this. Doesn’t have to be but not unheard of either. I think it comes down to — does he WANT to home/with his kids or not? Bc plenty of partners are working these hours but you can tell those who would rather be home/they go home as soon as they can/try to do whatever they can w kids vs. the ones who have no interest in home and thus linger in the office, with coworkers a bit too much and yeah that’s when affairs start.