what do you do when the children know about the affair and are upset about a reconciliation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom did this to me

She was too weak to leave. My dad always blamed me for telling her and we never had a good relationship. I was uncomfortable in my own home, with my own parents for years.

They finally divorced and my mom and I are fine now.

Op, I woiuldn't let him in until my older daughter who caught him agreed to letting him back home. She will be uncomfortable in that house. It will never feel like home until she can forgive her father.

I think that’s too big a decision to put on a teenager. It sounds good in theory but it puts the burden on her shoulders which is inappropriate.

OP should decide on a set amount of time for her DH to live outside the home. 3 months, 6 months, whatever you can handle. That’s your gift to your daughters. They get that time to regroup and heal. They don’t have to spend all day everyday dealing with their father’s mistakes. After that break, do what you want OP - divorce him, stay married, whatever - but at least give your children time to process what just happened AND time to regroup.

Can he date while separated just in case she decides to divorce? That way it's not like some big family Scarlett letter which is not sustainable. Both parents have to really want to be together not just guilted and shamed into it. If the husband picks the wife over his dates even the daughters will respect it more deep inside.

Sure, why not... he dated during the marriage, but just forgot to tell his wife he's dating. The minute one partner cheats, your marriage is over. This is not something that can be undone. Dad can rebuilt the relationship but it will never be the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He only apologized as he was forced into it. There is probably no sincerity in it and he'd still be cheating if he didn't get caught (or probably still is cheating). You are siding with him fully to save your marriage. No one is addressing the kids needs as he's playing right into exactly what you want to hear and him to do. This probably wasn't the first affair.

Exactly. She has no intention of divorcing him, maybe she ran the financials. If my husband cheated at this point in our life I wouldn't divorce him because of the lifestyle and retirements. It would change our future a lot. However he'd be nothing to me except a roommate.

The kids will never see him the same, do all the therapy you want..that won't change. He owns destroying the lack of respect his daughters have. I would want to know who this woman is that was so special to destroy all that. You can bet I would confront her, and confirm it was over. In most cases (not all) therapy is just a Pass Go card for the cheater. He doesn't want a divorce, so it allows him to do his "penance" to keep the wife from filing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He only apologized as he was forced into it. There is probably no sincerity in it and he'd still be cheating if he didn't get caught (or probably still is cheating). You are siding with him fully to save your marriage. No one is addressing the kids needs as he's playing right into exactly what you want to hear and him to do. This probably wasn't the first affair.

Exactly. She has no intention of divorcing him, maybe she ran the financials. If my husband cheated at this point in our life I wouldn't divorce him because of the lifestyle and retirements. It would change our future a lot. However he'd be nothing to me except a roommate.

The kids will never see him the same, do all the therapy you want..that won't change. He owns destroying the lack of respect his daughters have. I would want to know who this woman is that was so special to destroy all that. You can bet I would confront her, and confirm it was over. In most cases (not all) therapy is just a Pass Go card for the cheater. He doesn't want a divorce, so it allows him to do his "penance" to keep the wife from filing.

+1 to everything here

I hope all the posters with APs and kids take a look

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom did this to me

She was too weak to leave. My dad always blamed me for telling her and we never had a good relationship. I was uncomfortable in my own home, with my own parents for years.

They finally divorced and my mom and I are fine now.

Op, I woiuldn't let him in until my older daughter who caught him agreed to letting him back home. She will be uncomfortable in that house. It will never feel like home until she can forgive her father.

I think that’s too big a decision to put on a teenager. It sounds good in theory but it puts the burden on her shoulders which is inappropriate.

OP should decide on a set amount of time for her DH to live outside the home. 3 months, 6 months, whatever you can handle. That’s your gift to your daughters. They get that time to regroup and heal. They don’t have to spend all day everyday dealing with their father’s mistakes. After that break, do what you want OP - divorce him, stay married, whatever - but at least give your children time to process what just happened AND time to regroup.

Can he date while separated just in case she decides to divorce? That way it's not like some big family Scarlett letter which is not sustainable. Both parents have to really want to be together not just guilted and shamed into it. If the husband picks the wife over his dates even the daughters will respect it more deep inside.

This reply is jaw-droppingly naive. Or maybe jaw-droppingly cruel. Please say you're joking.

Do you really seriously mean that you think dad should date around so he can say definitively, "I've dated while you've been debating saving our marriage and guess what?! I still freely choose you even after test-driving other women! Let's stay together!"

Yours may be the most insane reply I've ever seen on DCUM. The DH needs the guilt and shame you seem to think he should be allowed to avoid by freaking dating while MARRIED. And the OP in your scenario is supposed to be--what? Happily and humbly grateful if he "picks her over his dates"?

You can't possibly have teen daughters yourself if you think your idea wil make them "respect [him] more deep inside" because he got to screw around and picked mom.

I. Can't. Even.

[Anonymous]

Hey, all y’all SAHs reporting you’d immediately leave. I call BS.

Reported cheat rates are what, 50%?

This ain’t Anna Karenina times. Stop with the drama. You process, you decide to stay or go.

What’s hard here is that the kid caught the Dad. The dad lied to the kid. She’s still believing in that idyllic Disney world where no one cheats and it’s butterfly love forever. She may have read about Hester Prynne, she’s not old enough to understand probability and stats, etc...

Anyone ready to quit a solid marriage over infidelity in 2019 is insane in my book. To me, not at all a deal breaker.

[Anonymous]

OP, sorry for what you are going through. Ignore the divorce vultures here, many of them only see good vs. evil in cheaters, and would crucify MLK Jr. for his infidelity and mute any other quality aspects he brought to the world. The divorce cheerleaders don't have to live your life.

I was a teenager when my dad cheated on my mom. I had some resentful feelings towards him, but here's the thing: once I became married with kids I realized that marriage and kids are a struggle and that my dad is human and made a mistake that many people make. To err is human.

I have a good relationship with both parents, even though my dad is still with his AP 20 years later and she isn't a nice person. My point is simply that your kids will grow through this, and what you decide to do with your marriage is between you and him, not for your kids and certainly not for a bunch of anonymous posters who love drama.

[Anonymous]

I would NOT reconcile in this situation. You, not DH, are the one betraying your promise to your kids here. No way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would NOT reconcile in this situation. You, not DH, are the one betraying your promise to your kids here. No way.

Op can reconcile if offended daughter is comfortable with the reconciliations. PPs suggested that it was too heavy of a burden to put on a teenager. The teenager need not be told, but OP can watch her interactions with her dad and figure out when the relaitonship between them is repaired.

If she reconciles with DH while daughter is still angry, I agree that both of them would have broken her daughter's trust. DH has to work on getting his daughters forgiveness before he can be a full member of the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would NOT reconcile in this situation. You, not DH, are the one betraying your promise to your kids here. No way.

Op can reconcile if offended daughter is comfortable with the reconciliations. PPs suggested that it was too heavy of a burden to put on a teenager. The teenager need not be told, but OP can watch her interactions with her dad and figure out when the relaitonship between them is repaired.

If she reconciles with DH while daughter is still angry, I agree that both of them would have broken her daughter's trust. DH has to work on getting his daughters forgiveness before he can be a full member of the family.

And by "full member", I mean everyone under one roof with no option for DD to be elsewhere(as would be the case if there were two homes). He will always be her father so he will always be a full member in that sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would NOT reconcile in this situation. You, not DH, are the one betraying your promise to your kids here. No way.

Op can reconcile if offended daughter is comfortable with the reconciliations. PPs suggested that it was too heavy of a burden to put on a teenager. The teenager need not be told, but OP can watch her interactions with her dad and figure out when the relaitonship between them is repaired.

If she reconciles with DH while daughter is still angry, I agree that both of them would have broken her daughter's trust. DH has to work on getting his daughters forgiveness before he can be a full member of the family.

And by "full member", I mean everyone under one roof with no option for DD to be elsewhere(as would be the case if there were two homes). He will always be her father so he will always be a full member in that sense.

DP. But dad can work on regaining DDs' trust from outside the home.

OP, ask the therapist (you mentioned there is one) about dad moving out for a while so both DDs can cool off and settle. Do what the therapist recommends. Angry DD may find each day a fresh reopening of the wound if she is under the same roof with dad right now. Dad needs to commit intensely to being faithful and involved every day as you all agree (driving DDs places of that was a role of his, participating in school stuff if they want him to etc.). He should be doing therapy with you and frankly demonstrating daily that he is working to get your trust back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Am I the only one who doesn't see the big deal that dad denied the affair? Most of you made it sound like that's a bigger crime than the affair itself. I think the affair hurt the daughter way more than the denial.

That was my thought as I read the post as well. Also, if the accusation was sprung on him I could see a reflexive denial as a way of getting some time to figure out how he is going to address the issue. I mean, I guess arguably if one was going to cheat one would think through some of the permutations of how you would address it if you were caught but he probably didn't think his DD would be the one to catch him. Finally, I can see different ways of denying something ("Well, it's not really like that..." or "I think you're misunderstanding what's going on...") that are more innocuous than saying "You're a freakin liar."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Am I the only one who doesn't see the big deal that dad denied the affair? Most of you made it sound like that's a bigger crime than the affair itself. I think the affair hurt the daughter way more than the denial.

That was my thought as I read the post as well. Also, if the accusation was sprung on him I could see a reflexive denial as a way of getting some time to figure out how he is going to address the issue. I mean, I guess arguably if one was going to cheat one would think through some of the permutations of how you would address it if you were caught but he probably didn't think his DD would be the one to catch him. Finally, I can see different ways of denying something ("Well, it's not really like that..." or "I think you're misunderstanding what's going on...") that are more innocuous than saying "You're a freakin liar."

I don't mean this snarkily, PP, but do you have teenagers?

A teenager is going to hear "Well, it's not really like that" or "I think you're misunderstanding..." as nothing except: "You're a freaking liar."

What adults say and what teenagers hear in their heads and hearts can be very different. The DD is the one who caught him cheating. I figure that also means the DD is the one who told mom (OP) -- or whose discovery prompted DH to have to tell mom. This teen DD is in a horrible position as both the discoverer and probably the bearer of life-changing tidings to her mom and sister. Add all that to the idea of dad saying ANYTHING to her other than "Yes, you're right and I am abjectly wrong," and she is going to hear only one thing from any form of "innocuous" denial by him: "You're a freaking liar."

There is no such thing as an "innocuous" denial when it comes to cheating or when it comes to a teenager's way of hearing.

Saying there is such a thing is kind of giving the DH an "out" as regards how he reacted to his DD when she confronted him. Nope. He gets no break like that. In this case what matters is what DD thinks she heard, not what he actually said. Most of the time it's the other way around but not here.

That's why I wondered if you have teens because you would know this how they would think in this situation if they gave even half a damn and clearly the OP's DD gives that and more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would NOT reconcile in this situation. You, not DH, are the one betraying your promise to your kids here. No way.

Op can reconcile if offended daughter is comfortable with the reconciliations. PPs suggested that it was too heavy of a burden to put on a teenager. The teenager need not be told, but OP can watch her interactions with her dad and figure out when the relaitonship between them is repaired.

If she reconciles with DH while daughter is still angry, I agree that both of them would have broken her daughter's trust. DH has to work on getting his daughters forgiveness before he can be a full member of the family.

And by "full member", I mean everyone under one roof with no option for DD to be elsewhere(as would be the case if there were two homes). He will always be her father so he will always be a full member in that sense.

DP. But dad can work on regaining DDs' trust from outside the home.

OP, ask the therapist (you mentioned there is one) about dad moving out for a while so both DDs can cool off and settle. Do what the therapist recommends. Angry DD may find each day a fresh reopening of the wound if she is under the same roof with dad right now. Dad needs to commit intensely to being faithful and involved every day as you all agree (driving DDs places of that was a role of his, participating in school stuff if they want him to etc.). He should be doing therapy with you and frankly demonstrating daily that he is working to get your trust back.

Yes. He should work on regaining her trust.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hey, all y’all SAHs reporting you’d immediately leave. I call BS.

Reported cheat rates are what, 50%?

This ain’t Anna Karenina times. Stop with the drama. You process, you decide to stay or go.

What’s hard here is that the kid caught the Dad. The dad lied to the kid. She’s still believing in that idyllic Disney world where no one cheats and it’s butterfly love forever. She may have read about Hester Prynne, she’s not old enough to understand probability and stats, etc...

Anyone ready to quit a solid marriage over infidelity in 2019 is insane in my book. To me, not at all a deal breaker.

It's a deal breaker for sure. One can still stay, fake it...making your life about your kids, pets, and friends. At that point who cares about the cheater. While everyones situation is different often a cheater is not worth all the turmoil. Maybe worth it hoping they don't live too long. Not every victim of cheating is wanting to find another relationship.