what do you do when the children know about the affair and are upset about a reconciliation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, my dad cheated. His lies to me were the first. I was 14, a vulnerable age. For your daughters it is like a betrayal on the level of an affair but worse. They don't have much emotional experience.

I don't judge the decision one way or another but you need family therapy and your DH has to fully own hiw much he hurt and betrayed his daughters. They need to be heard, validated and not censored. It's also ok if they don't understand but they must feel heard.

OP. Thank you, the language you're using is particularly helpful and insightful!!

[Anonymous]

My mom did this to me

She was too weak to leave. My dad always blamed me for telling her and we never had a good relationship. I was uncomfortable in my own home, with my own parents for years.

They finally divorced and my mom and I are fine now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My daughter was mad at me for a long time. But she still loves me. She brings it up every so often (mentioning how I make mistakes, etc. etc.) but she sees what her parents have done to get through this (therapy, being kind, being present, etc). And while I'm not perfect, she does love me, she accepts me. We talked. I accept that she's mad and don't get defensive when she brings things up, regardless of if it is her business.

Did your DD catch your has and with the other woman?

Did he also call her a liar when she told you the truth?

If not, your situation is not even remotely similar. Not by a long shot.

No, you are right, our situations aren't the same. But I do think kindness and love go a long way. If you have a good relationship to start out with. Which I did with my daughter. So when she found out I cheated she was angry. But I don't think she ever hated me.

[Anonymous]

Your husband did not value the marriage. He valued getting fresh p****.

[Anonymous]

Therapy for all parties involved. Especially DH who need to figure out how to earn his daughter's forgiveness. DD probably also needs therapy to learn how to manage her anger and understand that people can overcome mistakes.

The whole thing sounds like a huge mess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - lots of conversations are going on about forgiveness and repentance. And family therapy is in the works.

But yikes, 17:01, terrible parents, really? Hopefully you're never in a position where putting a family back together again is necessary, but if you are, I hope you're more open minded than what you've just displayed.

17:03, almost 2 decades of marriage is worth fighting for, in my eyes. I'm shocked to have this level of hate actually.

Thank you for those giving real advice, it's appreciated more than you know.

Don't worry OP. If you said you were leaving your DH, other people would call you a terrible parent for not trying to keep it together for the sake of the children. You do what works best for you, and hopefully your DH realizes he needs to mend fences with his kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom did this to me

She was too weak to leave. My dad always blamed me for telling her and we never had a good relationship. I was uncomfortable in my own home, with my own parents for years.

They finally divorced and my mom and I are fine now.

OP. I'm so sorry your dad did this to you and continued to make you feel like you did something wrong. I'm hoping DH is able to make this up to DD and I appreciate posters' insight on how that might happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My daughter was mad at me for a long time. But she still loves me. She brings it up every so often (mentioning how I make mistakes, etc. etc.) but she sees what her parents have done to get through this (therapy, being kind, being present, etc). And while I'm not perfect, she does love me, she accepts me. We talked. I accept that she's mad and don't get defensive when she brings things up, regardless of if it is her business.

WHO are you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My daughter was mad at me for a long time. But she still loves me. She brings it up every so often (mentioning how I make mistakes, etc. etc.) but she sees what her parents have done to get through this (therapy, being kind, being present, etc). And while I'm not perfect, she does love me, she accepts me. We talked. I accept that she's mad and don't get defensive when she brings things up, regardless of if it is her business.

WHO are you?

From the posts, I gather that he is a dad of daughter(s) who cheated on their mom. He's giving perspective from that side of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My daughter was mad at me for a long time. But she still loves me. She brings it up every so often (mentioning how I make mistakes, etc. etc.) but she sees what her parents have done to get through this (therapy, being kind, being present, etc). And while I'm not perfect, she does love me, she accepts me. We talked. I accept that she's mad and don't get defensive when she brings things up, regardless of if it is her business.

Did your DD catch your has and with the other woman?

Did he also call her a liar when she told you the truth?

If not, your situation is not even remotely similar. Not by a long shot.

No, you are right, our situations aren't the same. But I do think kindness and love go a long way. If you have a good relationship to start out with. Which I did with my daughter. So when she found out I cheated she was angry. But I don't think she ever hated me.

It’s not about hating your parents or finding out your parent made a mistake.

This girl found out about something horrible her father did (the affair) THEN she found out her father would hurt HER to cover up his mistakes. She found out her dad can’t be trusted not to hurt HER. I don’t think this girl is angry so much as she’s TERRIFIED. Her moral compass as it relates to family has been destroyed. Everyone else wants to go along and reset the clock. I bet she feels like she’s going insane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old is she?

I really hope you’re getting her therapy for this. You’re modeling the worst type of behavior. Plus, wanting her to get over it truly shows you AND your husband have zero regard for her.

Ugh. You’re complicit in completely screwing up your kids. Hope the DH is worth it! At least when he does it again, the DDs will be out of the house, so there’ll be no one to tell you. What a relief, right?!

OP. I say this with all sincerity. I'm sorry for the pain you have experienced that makes you so unforgiving.

I'm not sure what to say - both parents have regard for her feelings, it's heart wrenching to see her in pain. But does the other DD who wants to forgive him not have any weight in this at all? She would be in just as much pain for our family to just write him out of our lives - and wouldn't that screw her up? Again, being sincere - what is the answer that I should be doing to NOT screw up either kid?

I think the pain of the daughter who was gaslit by her own father will probably worse when the entire rest of the family links up against her

[Anonymous]

I think it's your DH's calling his daughter a liar that's pushing people over the edge, here. That's really appalling. I mean, she finds out that her dad is cheating, and on top of that blow he calls her a liar and accuses her of making it up?! That's an ice cold bucket of water - the realization that your parent would hurt you/sell you out to save themselves. Reminds me of stories of parents who open credit cards in their kids' names, etc. There's a really deep trust that's broken there. Regardless of all the other crap that may go on in their lives, I think most kids have a feeling that mom and dad are people I can trust not to hurt me. And your DH took that trust from her.

she has every right to be furious with YOU, OP. If he had struck her and then denied it, but was later found to have been a liar, would you now feel the same way--and prioritize keeping him over protecting her. He has shown that he will betray the trust of everyone in his family for his own self-interest.

He must really be rich.

[Anonymous]

Wow. I feel so awful for the daughter who found out for you and then was called a liar. You’re going to lose her. Seriously.

You are betraying her by staying. I can’t even imagine her pain. How awful for her. Now she loses both parents. I sure hope she has an incredible support network outside her immediate family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. I feel so awful for the daughter who found out for you and then was called a liar. You’re going to lose her. Seriously.

You are betraying her by staying. I can’t even imagine her pain. How awful for her. Now she loses both parents. I sure hope she has an incredible support network outside her immediate family.

PP here. Just saw your statement that you’ll screw up one kid or the other regardless so why not just take the easy road. (I’m paraphrasing for brevity.)

The answer is that your husband screwed up both kids when he put his penis above his family. But YOU screwed up one of the girls even more when you entertained the idea of staying. Before that, the girls had a mother even if they didn’t have a father anymore. Now one of them has neither.

Sadly, I agree with some of the PPs that you’re being incredibly selfish. I just hope you know what’s coming.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Teen DD was the one who discovered the affair and came to me about DH cheating. DH pretty much called her a liar, but eventually came clean. DH and I have decided to try to fix the marriage, but our DDs are furious and betrayed. One can't believe I've allowed him back in the house and thinks I'm choosing him over her, the other wants him here. This is wreaking havoc and I realize the kids shouldn't have a say in the marriage itself, but I do want to take their feelings into consideration. Has anyone ever been in this situation?

I think your daughter needs individual therapy and family therapy. He really screwed up by saying she lied. That is a deep betrayal. How long was he gone from the family home? I know two people whose parents split up (the father left the family home), and then their parents eventually got back together. The reconciliation was as tough as the divorce. They felt like their parents were going to split up at anytime and were just waiting for it to happen again (and in one family's instance, the parents did eventually divorce). Your husband is going to have to be the adult and a bigger person, and take a bunch of shit from your daughter. Is he up to it?