what do you do when the children know about the affair and are upset about a reconciliation?

[Anonymous]

Teen DD was the one who discovered the affair and came to me about DH cheating. DH pretty much called her a liar, but eventually came clean. DH and I have decided to try to fix the marriage, but our DDs are furious and betrayed. One can't believe I've allowed him back in the house and thinks I'm choosing him over her, the other wants him here. This is wreaking havoc and I realize the kids shouldn't have a say in the marriage itself, but I do want to take their feelings into consideration. Has anyone ever been in this situation?

[Anonymous]

Has he apologized to them?

I can’t imagine the mind- f*ck of not only finding out about your dad’s affair and also having him call you a liar. That is some next level psychopath behavior. On top of that, the mom takes him back????

He needs to earn her trust back and grovel in much the same way he would to a betrayed spouse. He broke her trust and the parent-child relationship in so many ways. SHE decides when she’s ready to let him back in. His job is to keep apologizing as many times as it takes. From the tone of your post it sounds like you want her to sweep it under the rug and move on.

I really hope you’re getting her therapy for this. ONG you guys are terrible parents!

[Anonymous]

Your dh is a POS.
Why would you take him back?

[Anonymous]

Wow, you all need therapy. Sorry OP.

[Anonymous]

She'll be mad for a while. But yes. You're dh should apologize to her. And be transparent with them, too. You might privately talk worth her about your goals for reconciliation and why.

[Anonymous]

How old is she?

I really hope you’re getting her therapy for this. You’re modeling the worst type of behavior. Plus, wanting her to get over it truly shows you AND your husband have zero regard for her.

Ugh. You’re complicit in completely screwing up your kids. Hope the DH is worth it! At least when he does it again, the DDs will be out of the house, so there’ll be no one to tell you. What a relief, right?!

[Anonymous]

How old are the DDs?

How did she discover the affair?

[Anonymous]

I really hope you’re a troll. If not, you’re BOTH horrible parents and I feel sorry for your daughters. Gross.

[Anonymous]

OP here - lots of conversations are going on about forgiveness and repentance. And family therapy is in the works.

But yikes, 17:01, terrible parents, really? Hopefully you're never in a position where putting a family back together again is necessary, but if you are, I hope you're more open minded than what you've just displayed.

17:03, almost 2 decades of marriage is worth fighting for, in my eyes. I'm shocked to have this level of hate actually.

Thank you for those giving real advice, it's appreciated more than you know.

[Anonymous]

OP hugs. Sorry you are going through this. Ignore the judgemental posts from people who don't know very much whatsoever about your marriage.

[Anonymous]

op again, reading more posts. Wow, I really am shocked by this much insistence that a divorce is the only answer. No wonder we have so many broken families and people in the world. Of course DH was completely in the wrong, but he's trying to make amends for his mistakes. Have none of you ever wronged your children?

I'm trying to be introspective here, honestly, though, and am taking all the bitterness in to figure out what I'm doing wrong here too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - lots of conversations are going on about forgiveness and repentance. And family therapy is in the works.

But yikes, 17:01, terrible parents, really? Hopefully you're never in a position where putting a family back together again is necessary, but if you are, I hope you're more open minded than what you've just displayed.

17:03, almost 2 decades of marriage is worth fighting for, in my eyes. I'm shocked to have this level of hate actually.

Thank you for those giving real advice, it's appreciated more than you know.

How can you be shocked? Your husband called your daughter a liar for reporting the truth. You sure you want to pick this guy over her? I hope she has other family members who have her back.

[Anonymous]

OP, it’s not so much the reconciliation and forgiveness for cheating that people are shocked and angry about - it’s how dismissive you’re being about your daughters.

I would argue that their father’s betrayal against them is actually worse than his betrayal against you. Neither one of you seem to get to that - or be willing to acknowledge it, let alone do the work to fix it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - lots of conversations are going on about forgiveness and repentance. And family therapy is in the works.

But yikes, 17:01, terrible parents, really? Hopefully you're never in a position where putting a family back together again is necessary, but if you are, I hope you're more open minded than what you've just displayed.

17:03, almost 2 decades of marriage is worth fighting for, in my eyes. I'm shocked to have this level of hate actually.

Thank you for those giving real advice, it's appreciated more than you know.

I don't think the conversation should about forgiveness, it should be about repentence. I honestly don't think you should be pressuring your daughter to forgive at this point, just that DH should demonstrate that he's truly sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old is she?

I really hope you’re getting her therapy for this. You’re modeling the worst type of behavior. Plus, wanting her to get over it truly shows you AND your husband have zero regard for her.

Ugh. You’re complicit in completely screwing up your kids. Hope the DH is worth it! At least when he does it again, the DDs will be out of the house, so there’ll be no one to tell you. What a relief, right?!

OP. I say this with all sincerity. I'm sorry for the pain you have experienced that makes you so unforgiving.

I'm not sure what to say - both parents have regard for her feelings, it's heart wrenching to see her in pain. But does the other DD who wants to forgive him not have any weight in this at all? She would be in just as much pain for our family to just write him out of our lives - and wouldn't that screw her up? Again, being sincere - what is the answer that I should be doing to NOT screw up either kid?