what do you do when the children know about the affair and are upset about a reconciliation?

[Anonymous]

I was that kid, only older. My mom took my Dad back and he continued to cheat and did it for many years spending a fortune on the women. Mom ended up finally breaking up with him. I have no respect for either of them based on everything they, especially my Mom taught me about relationships and marriage and then did not follow what she said. She's happier now but she has chosen her boyfriend over us and same with my Dad. I barely have a relationship with either of the. Dad treated me horribly and still dismisses how I feel. Divorce isn't the only answer but understand her feelings and if he cheated once and hid it and lied he WILL do it again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - lots of conversations are going on about forgiveness and repentance. And family therapy is in the works.

But yikes, 17:01, terrible parents, really? Hopefully you're never in a position where putting a family back together again is necessary, but if you are, I hope you're more open minded than what you've just displayed.

17:03, almost 2 decades of marriage is worth fighting for, in my eyes. I'm shocked to have this level of hate actually.

Thank you for those giving real advice, it's appreciated more than you know.

It may be worth it in your eyes, but he clearly didn't value you or the marriage like you do and had no issue cheating and lying over it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - lots of conversations are going on about forgiveness and repentance. And family therapy is in the works.

But yikes, 17:01, terrible parents, really? Hopefully you're never in a position where putting a family back together again is necessary, but if you are, I hope you're more open minded than what you've just displayed.

17:03, almost 2 decades of marriage is worth fighting for, in my eyes. I'm shocked to have this level of hate actually.

Thank you for those giving real advice, it's appreciated more than you know.

I don't think the conversation should about forgiveness, it should be about repentence. I honestly don't think you should be pressuring your daughter to forgive at this point, just that DH should demonstrate that he's truly sorry.

The conversation has to be both. No one mentioned pressure. I think you're hateful and/or projecting. Seek help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was that kid, only older. My mom took my Dad back and he continued to cheat and did it for many years spending a fortune on the women. Mom ended up finally breaking up with him. I have no respect for either of them based on everything they, especially my Mom taught me about relationships and marriage and then did not follow what she said. She's happier now but she has chosen her boyfriend over us and same with my Dad. I barely have a relationship with either of the. Dad treated me horribly and still dismisses how I feel. Divorce isn't the only answer but understand her feelings and if he cheated once and hid it and lied he WILL do it again.

I'm really sorry you've suffered. Truly. But you know that your story is not everyone's.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old is she?

I really hope you’re getting her therapy for this. You’re modeling the worst type of behavior. Plus, wanting her to get over it truly shows you AND your husband have zero regard for her.

Ugh. You’re complicit in completely screwing up your kids. Hope the DH is worth it! At least when he does it again, the DDs will be out of the house, so there’ll be no one to tell you. What a relief, right?!

OP. I say this with all sincerity. I'm sorry for the pain you have experienced that makes you so unforgiving.

I'm not sure what to say - both parents have regard for her feelings, it's heart wrenching to see her in pain. But does the other DD who wants to forgive him not have any weight in this at all? She would be in just as much pain for our family to just write him out of our lives - and wouldn't that screw her up? Again, being sincere - what is the answer that I should be doing to NOT screw up either kid?

Note: I never said you absolutely never should get back together with him.

It’s your attitude towards your daughters that I find shocking! You’re setting up BOTH daughters for so much confusion and pain. The one who wants to follow your lead and smile and have her father back is going to have just as many issues as the one who’s is outwardly lashing out. The tone of your posts imply that you think this is something that’s ONLY about your relationship to your husband. He broke his daughter’s trust in a much much worse way than he broke yours. Any reconciliation has to start from that premise. Anything else, IS terrible parenting.

Open your eyes OP! How do you not get that????

[Anonymous]

When you cheat you also cheat on your kids. This is why I don't understand why people don't get divorced then date. Or stay faithful to their family. Those kids will never see him the same.

OP you can go to all the therapy you want, but if uses it as a pass for getting caught, he'll cheat again. I would stipulate no secrecy in the marriage. Open phones, computers etc. If you decide to stay married I would spot check him no matter what, don't tell him. Since he called your daughter a liar you may never be able to trust him. I would confirm he's not seeing that woman, or some how still communicating with her.

[Anonymous]

I think it's your DH's calling his daughter a liar that's pushing people over the edge, here. That's really appalling. I mean, she finds out that her dad is cheating, and on top of that blow he calls her a liar and accuses her of making it up?! That's an ice cold bucket of water - the realization that your parent would hurt you/sell you out to save themselves. Reminds me of stories of parents who open credit cards in their kids' names, etc. There's a really deep trust that's broken there. Regardless of all the other crap that may go on in their lives, I think most kids have a feeling that mom and dad are people I can trust not to hurt me. And your DH took that trust from her.

[Anonymous]

My daughter was mad at me for a long time. But she still loves me. She brings it up every so often (mentioning how I make mistakes, etc. etc.) but she sees what her parents have done to get through this (therapy, being kind, being present, etc). And while I'm not perfect, she does love me, she accepts me. We talked. I accept that she's mad and don't get defensive when she brings things up, regardless of if it is her business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it’s not so much the reconciliation and forgiveness for cheating that people are shocked and angry about - it’s how dismissive you’re being about your daughters.

I would argue that their father’s betrayal against them is actually worse than his betrayal against you. Neither one of you seem to get to that - or be willing to acknowledge it, let alone do the work to fix it.

OP. Oh, possibly my original post, in trying to be brief, makes it seem I'm dismissing their hurt. OMG, that's so far from the truth! I could write paragraphs about how their pain is actually more important to me than my own. I could go on and on about how at this point, I'm ambivalent about DH and actually his cheating is less painful to me than my DD's hurt that I can't fix. But the bottom line is we feel an almost 20 year marriage is worth trying to save, he wants to save his relationship with our DDs and only God (and a few PPs) knows if it's all going to work out or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was that kid, only older. My mom took my Dad back and he continued to cheat and did it for many years spending a fortune on the women. Mom ended up finally breaking up with him. I have no respect for either of them based on everything they, especially my Mom taught me about relationships and marriage and then did not follow what she said. She's happier now but she has chosen her boyfriend over us and same with my Dad. I barely have a relationship with either of the. Dad treated me horribly and still dismisses how I feel. Divorce isn't the only answer but understand her feelings and if he cheated once and hid it and lied he WILL do it again.

I'm really sorry you've suffered. Truly. But you know that your story is not everyone's.

No its not but most go on to cheat and lie about it again and OP is minimizing the impact on her child and her choices are how her daughter is going to view relationships. Do you really think kids who know get over their parents affairs? Some yes, most it impacts them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it’s not so much the reconciliation and forgiveness for cheating that people are shocked and angry about - it’s how dismissive you’re being about your daughters.

I would argue that their father’s betrayal against them is actually worse than his betrayal against you. Neither one of you seem to get to that - or be willing to acknowledge it, let alone do the work to fix it.

OP. Oh, possibly my original post, in trying to be brief, makes it seem I'm dismissing their hurt. OMG, that's so far from the truth! I could write paragraphs about how their pain is actually more important to me than my own. I could go on and on about how at this point, I'm ambivalent about DH and actually his cheating is less painful to me than my DD's hurt that I can't fix. But the bottom line is we feel an almost 20 year marriage is worth trying to save, he wants to save his relationship with our DDs and only God (and a few PPs) knows if it's all going to work out or not.

Of course he wants to save it now.. but he never cared when he choose to cheat. How do you know he will not cheat again or he didn't cheat before this woman/getting caught?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it’s not so much the reconciliation and forgiveness for cheating that people are shocked and angry about - it’s how dismissive you’re being about your daughters.

I would argue that their father’s betrayal against them is actually worse than his betrayal against you. Neither one of you seem to get to that - or be willing to acknowledge it, let alone do the work to fix it.

OP. Oh, possibly my original post, in trying to be brief, makes it seem I'm dismissing their hurt. OMG, that's so far from the truth! I could write paragraphs about how their pain is actually more important to me than my own. I could go on and on about how at this point, I'm ambivalent about DH and actually his cheating is less painful to me than my DD's hurt that I can't fix. But the bottom line is we feel an almost 20 year marriage is worth trying to save, he wants to save his relationship with our DDs and only God (and a few PPs) knows if it's all going to work out or not.

Of course he wants to save it now.. but he never cared when he choose to cheat. How do you know he will not cheat again or he didn't cheat before this woman/getting caught?

Dude - no one cares when they're in the midst of an affair. And no one knows if/when it will happen or has happened or whatever. Your tone insinuates that no one should ever be given a second chance. Is that what you're saying?

[Anonymous]

When my husband cheated I kicked his ass to the curb and never looked back. I was married longer than you. My kids RESPECT me and realize I was only one they could count on.

I wish you luck not only with your girls but also with YOURSELF.

Truthfully once someone lies and cheats they can never be trusted again. I didn't want to live like that.

[Anonymous]

Op, my dad cheated. His lies to me were the first. I was 14, a vulnerable age. For your daughters it is like a betrayal on the level of an affair but worse. They don't have much emotional experience.

I don't judge the decision one way or another but you need family therapy and your DH has to fully own hiw much he hurt and betrayed his daughters. They need to be heard, validated and not censored. It's also ok if they don't understand but they must feel heard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My daughter was mad at me for a long time. But she still loves me. She brings it up every so often (mentioning how I make mistakes, etc. etc.) but she sees what her parents have done to get through this (therapy, being kind, being present, etc). And while I'm not perfect, she does love me, she accepts me. We talked. I accept that she's mad and don't get defensive when she brings things up, regardless of if it is her business.

Did your DD catch your has and with the other woman?

Did he also call her a liar when she told you the truth?

If not, your situation is not even remotely similar. Not by a long shot.