what do you do when the children know about the affair and are upset about a reconciliation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. I feel so awful for the daughter who found out for you and then was called a liar. You’re going to lose her. Seriously.

You are betraying her by staying. I can’t even imagine her pain. How awful for her. Now she loses both parents. I sure hope she has an incredible support network outside her immediate family.

I am usually a little more measured but OP I think this is highly likely. You just wrote her story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's your DH's calling his daughter a liar that's pushing people over the edge, here. That's really appalling. I mean, she finds out that her dad is cheating, and on top of that blow he calls her a liar and accuses her of making it up?! That's an ice cold bucket of water - the realization that your parent would hurt you/sell you out to save themselves. Reminds me of stories of parents who open credit cards in their kids' names, etc. There's a really deep trust that's broken there. Regardless of all the other crap that may go on in their lives, I think most kids have a feeling that mom and dad are people I can trust not to hurt me. And your DH took that trust from her.

+1 THIS is the reason for all the vitriol and judgment, OP. Not that you are willing to reconcile with a cheating spouse, but that your DH called your DD a liar to save his own butt. That’s appalling and really hard to recover from. I wouldn’t be able to see my DH the same way ever again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old is she?

I really hope you’re getting her therapy for this. You’re modeling the worst type of behavior. Plus, wanting her to get over it truly shows you AND your husband have zero regard for her.

Ugh. You’re complicit in completely screwing up your kids. Hope the DH is worth it! At least when he does it again, the DDs will be out of the house, so there’ll be no one to tell you. What a relief, right?!

OP. I say this with all sincerity. I'm sorry for the pain you have experienced that makes you so unforgiving.

I'm not sure what to say - both parents have regard for her feelings, it's heart wrenching to see her in pain. But does the other DD who wants to forgive him not have any weight in this at all? She would be in just as much pain for our family to just write him out of our lives - and wouldn't that screw her up? Again, being sincere - what is the answer that I should be doing to NOT screw up either kid?

I think the pain of the daughter who was gaslit by her own father will probably worse when the entire rest of the family links up against her

The question about the other daughter is an interesting one.

The daughter who was gaslit is clearly lashing out. I think OP is very wrong to assume all is well with the other one. These reactions are more of an insight into their personalities. One might shout and scream, the other is a people pleaser - the type who will learn to masterfully apply makeup to hide black eyes from abusive boyfriends. She’ll put on a brave face and will internalize and hide her feelings to make the people she loves happy.

Both these girls have a lot to unpack. Growing up with this means they are statistically more likely to engage in risky behavior and have abusive relationships down the road.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - lots of conversations are going on about forgiveness and repentance. And family therapy is in the works.

But yikes, 17:01, terrible parents, really? Hopefully you're never in a position where putting a family back together again is necessary, but if you are, I hope you're more open minded than what you've just displayed.

17:03, almost 2 decades of marriage is worth fighting for, in my eyes. I'm shocked to have this level of hate actually.

Thank you for those giving real advice, it's appreciated more than you know.

Well, the biggest influence on the kind of men girls choose is their father...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - lots of conversations are going on about forgiveness and repentance. And family therapy is in the works.

But yikes, 17:01, terrible parents, really? Hopefully you're never in a position where putting a family back together again is necessary, but if you are, I hope you're more open minded than what you've just displayed.

17:03, almost 2 decades of marriage is worth fighting for, in my eyes. I'm shocked to have this level of hate actually.

Thank you for those giving real advice, it's appreciated more than you know.

Well, the biggest influence on the kind of men girls choose is their father...

+1 My sister who is the oldest is the only one who remembers my father's affair (rest of us were either not born or too young). She has terrible taste in men and is the only sibling who is divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old is she?

I really hope you’re getting her therapy for this. You’re modeling the worst type of behavior. Plus, wanting her to get over it truly shows you AND your husband have zero regard for her.

Ugh. You’re complicit in completely screwing up your kids. Hope the DH is worth it! At least when he does it again, the DDs will be out of the house, so there’ll be no one to tell you. What a relief, right?!

OP. I say this with all sincerity. I'm sorry for the pain you have experienced that makes you so unforgiving.

I'm not sure what to say - both parents have regard for her feelings, it's heart wrenching to see her in pain. But does the other DD who wants to forgive him not have any weight in this at all? She would be in just as much pain for our family to just write him out of our lives - and wouldn't that screw her up? Again, being sincere - what is the answer that I should be doing to NOT screw up either kid?

I think the pain of the daughter who was gaslit by her own father will probably worse when the entire rest of the family links up against her

The question about the other daughter is an interesting one.

The daughter who was gaslit is clearly lashing out. I think OP is very wrong to assume all is well with the other one. These reactions are more of an insight into their personalities. One might shout and scream, the other is a people pleaser - the type who will learn to masterfully apply makeup to hide black eyes from abusive boyfriends. She’ll put on a brave face and will internalize and hide her feelings to make the people she loves happy.

Both these girls have a lot to unpack. Growing up with this means they are statistically more likely to engage in risky behavior and have abusive relationships down the road.

This is a good point about the other daughter. The OP seems to be trying to justify the current course with the dodge that it would hurt this daughter if she doesn't reconcile. I think the daughter who has been actively betrayed by her father (in a way that I could never forgive if I were the OP since it makes it crystal clear he has no morals) is the first priority, but she then needs to take a closer look at what is motivating DD2.

[Anonymous]

OP. Thanks again to everyone, both positive and negative, for replies. It's a lot to take in and apply to our lives, but it will for sure be dissected and taken to heart! It's very easy to spout hateful "you're a horrible parent" and "you're really effing them up" comments, so to those giving actual reasons, suggestions and btdt comments, thank you!

Our family has been about as picture perfect as one could imagine. Our daughters adore their father, and he's been the model until this point. I know naysayers will say impossible, he's been hiding something, once a cheater... which may well be, but as far as to me, and to the girls, he's always been wonderful and attentive. He's a hard worker, spends his free time helping with their hobbies and sports, goes to all extra-curriculars, helps with homework, kisses me goodbye in the morning and hello in the evening, (if I'm completely honest, he's probably the better parent of the 2). I'm positive this makes it even worse - it was so unexpected. Had he been a crappy dad, a missing dad, inattentive, they may have felt less a betrayal. I don't know...maybe not.

In denying what our eldest daughter saw, he essentially called her a liar. (He didn't actually call her a liar, though gaslighting is for sure a great descriptor!) Unfortunately, it was that moment of cowardice that happened in front of her. And it was a double whammy of betrayal. She's furious and hates him and wants him out of the house, and I've told her all of that is justified and I feel exactly the same way some times. It's still so raw and fresh, you can only imagine the pain. It's killing me to see both her and her sister hurting, and I know they don't understand how time will soften some blows. We'll continue the therapy route and pray the family can be salvaged. I could throw out my own hateful comments to some of the posters, but I will not - because I don't want to offend others that may have taken a different route. But again, thank you to those that understand not everyone has the same choices or reasons and that doesn't make decisions wrong.

[Anonymous]

My father is a pathological liar and serial cheater. Over the years, my siblings and I saw him out with other women, saw emails, texts to other women when he left his phone lying around, etc. And every time we confronted him, he called us liars and was angry at us for catching him. We were constantly thrown under the bus and told we were crazy. We demanded apologies but realized eventually that his words meant nothing. If he was truly sorry, he would stop the cheating and lying. He never did. My mom left him after 40 years of marriage.

Your situation doesn't sound as extreme but maybe the burden should be on your DH to work on repairing the damage he has caused and preventing further damage. If he lies or cheats again, then he will have proven he doesn't care about anyone but himself.

Will be thinking of you all and praying for healing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My father is a pathological liar and serial cheater. Over the years, my siblings and I saw him out with other women, saw emails, texts to other women when he left his phone lying around, etc. And every time we confronted him, he called us liars and was angry at us for catching him. We were constantly thrown under the bus and told we were crazy. We demanded apologies but realized eventually that his words meant nothing. If he was truly sorry, he would stop the cheating and lying. He never did. My mom left him after 40 years of marriage.

Your situation doesn't sound as extreme but maybe the burden should be on your DH to work on repairing the damage he has caused and preventing further damage. If he lies or cheats again, then he will have proven he doesn't care about anyone but himself.

Will be thinking of you all and praying for healing.

OP. That means so much, thank you for this.

[Anonymous]

Pp here. One more thing -- My mom said after the divorce she realized she was trying to hold onto a fantasy (a good marriage and family) so she let go of the painful reality of the situation.

You said it's killing you to see your daughters hurting. Is it killing him just as much? If my father had been forced to feel even half the pain I felt as a result of his choices, I think it may have possibly dissuaded him from continuing to cheat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, my dad cheated. His lies to me were the first. I was 14, a vulnerable age. For your daughters it is like a betrayal on the level of an affair but worse. They don't have much emotional experience.

I don't judge the decision one way or another but you need family therapy and your DH has to fully own hiw much he hurt and betrayed his daughters. They need to be heard, validated and not censored. It's also ok if they don't understand but they must feel heard.

Agree. I think you should at least consider your DH living outside the home for 6 months while you rebuild your relationship, and talk to the counselor about pros and cons. I'd also be thinking really seriously about the possibility that the angry daughter knew more about DH's bad behavior that she's not sharing. At the very least, OP needs to have a serious conversation and let the girl know that she can always come to her mom with any problem or information, and she will be believed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pp here. One more thing -- My mom said after the divorce she realized she was trying to hold onto a fantasy (a good marriage and family) so she let go of the painful reality of the situation.

You said it's killing you to see your daughters hurting. Is it killing him just as much? If my father had been forced to feel even half the pain I felt as a result of his choices, I think it may have possibly dissuaded him from continuing to cheat.

OP. Time will tell, but right now he's tearful and remorseful and apologetic and seems very broken hearted to have hurt us, especially the girls. I'm hopeful. And I'm sorry your dad never recognized the hurt he caused you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it’s not so much the reconciliation and forgiveness for cheating that people are shocked and angry about - it’s how dismissive you’re being about your daughters.

I would argue that their father’s betrayal against them is actually worse than his betrayal against you. Neither one of you seem to get to that - or be willing to acknowledge it, let alone do the work to fix it.

OP. Oh, possibly my original post, in trying to be brief, makes it seem I'm dismissing their hurt. OMG, that's so far from the truth! I could write paragraphs about how their pain is actually more important to me than my own. I could go on and on about how at this point, I'm ambivalent about DH and actually his cheating is less painful to me than my DD's hurt that I can't fix. But the bottom line is we feel an almost 20 year marriage is worth trying to save, he wants to save his relationship with our DDs and only God (and a few PPs) knows if it's all going to work out or not.

He called your DD a LIAR. He threw her under the bus. He gaslighted her. How are you not getting this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pp here. One more thing -- My mom said after the divorce she realized she was trying to hold onto a fantasy (a good marriage and family) so she let go of the painful reality of the situation.

You said it's killing you to see your daughters hurting. Is it killing him just as much? If my father had been forced to feel even half the pain I felt as a result of his choices, I think it may have possibly dissuaded him from continuing to cheat.

OP. Time will tell, but right now he's tearful and remorseful and apologetic and seems very broken hearted to have hurt us, especially the girls. I'm hopeful. And I'm sorry your dad never recognized the hurt he caused you.

Thank you. I think you have good reason to be hopeful. You sound like you have your daughters' best interest at heart.

[Anonymous]

OP, sorry for what you are going through. Also sorry for all the nasty poster who spew bile at you. They are all miserably divorced and just want company to justify their decisions.

My dad cheated on my mom, they split, then reconciled, then eventually split. I was a teenager at the time. Thing was, I didn't really have strong opinions as to who was at fault, what to do, I just wanted peace and normalcy whether that was them together or apart. And if they were going to be apart, then to be civil when they were together at my events (which they couldn't do).

You know what's best for your family. I think its admirable for you to put aside your justifiable anger and try to salvage an intact family.