what do you do when the children know about the affair and are upset about a reconciliation?
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
| OP has still not answered whether DH has directly apologized to his daughter for calling her a liar in order to protect his own image from his own actual conduct. Has he directly apologized and repented for that? Has he asked for his daughter’s forgiveness and not just his wife’s? It really sounds like he has not. OP says he seems truly repentant but not that he has actually apologized to his daughter and admitted how he betrayed her. That is step 1 in any possible reconciliation. |
Anonymous
I think that’s too big a decision to put on a teenager. It sounds good in theory but it puts the burden on her shoulders which is inappropriate. OP should decide on a set amount of time for her DH to live outside the home. 3 months, 6 months, whatever you can handle. That’s your gift to your daughters. They get that time to regroup and heal. They don’t have to spend all day everyday dealing with their father’s mistakes. After that break, do what you want OP - divorce him, stay married, whatever - but at least give your children time to process what just happened AND time to regroup. |
Anonymous
|
OP, I have a different perspective to share. I view you as a strong woman trying her hardest to heal a broken family.
Everyone's feelings and perspectives should be heard and addressed in family counseling, to include your own. I found this Atlantic article insightful - separate realities explained. We all have different perspectives of events, conversations, etc... https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2019/02/my-adult-daughter-doesnt-speak-me-anymore/582361/ You've got two daughters with differing perspectives, your own perspective and your husband's as well. What he did, as you describe, was not a good behavior. He likely lied to/gaslighted DD as he was terrified and acted on a coward impulse. And while a major breach of trust, it was one action on one day that must be taken into consideration in terms of the whole of his actions and behaviors. He completely devastated her idea of who he was as a Dad. He has caused perhaps irreparable harm to her in terms of trusting men, as her role model in a pivotal time of her adolescence. He needs to own this and they will both need time to heal together on their own for many years. I can empathize with you as my Dad had an affair that blew up in a nuclear manner - caused the entire family great pain to include severe career repercussions, local social shunning issues (we might as well of all had the plague) and a very public disgrace - all of his kids generally hated him for many years. However, he redeemed himself over time with all his positive actions and behaviors, was not a serial cheater, and is the best Dad ever. He's been remarried for 20+ years to a different woman (not the AP). So in my case, my Mom and Dad didn't work out. What was so difficult at the time everything went public was realizing my Dad wasn't perfect, he was a liar, a cheat, and living a hypocrisy. With time, he became human, and I realized that me not understanding parents aren't super-humans at a young age was hard to digest. I grew up fast over a few years. I learned to forgive the older I got and once I realized I wasn't a super-human wife nor parent either, I began to see him via a new perspective. It's worth fighting for your marriage and family through therapy. You aren't a carpet for not wanting to throw the towel in. You are the inverse - someone strong capable of seeing someone you love make a huge mistake and giving them the opportunity to right the ship. No matter how this works out for you, I view your original post as a Mom who cares very deeply about her entire family and is devastated. You will survive, and your kids will too. It will take time and therapy. Hugs. |
Anonymous
|
There is no good choice here. My parents didn’t reconcile, they tried to stay married for the kids and it was a hot mess before they ultimately divorced including my dad having a girlfriend. I can’t speak for my siblings but the reasons why I was able to make peace with things over time
- My mom made my dad accountable for my relationship with him, she didn’t bad mouth him but she wasn’t going to speak for him, defend him cover for him etc. this was so important- it laid the groundwork for me to have an honest and open conversation with my dad, it didn’t make my mom into the scapegoat/apologist and my dad had to directly deal with the consequences of his actions (I.e. lying) - My dad not only apologized for lying, he explained why he lied and took responsibility for his actions without blaming my mom in a breakthrough conversation we had. - In our case, my dad initiated the divorce after many years of various drama - but I did need to see that my mom wouldn’t just put up with anything because she was married in order to stay married. She used religion as the reason SHE wouldn’t initiate a divorce which quite honestly screwed up my view of religion since my dad was no less raised in the Church - likely more so than my mom, yet he could cheat yet she is supposed to do nothing. But digress. Although she didn’t initiate the divorce, it was important that I saw she could stand on her own feet because up until that point of the marriage issues I always thought my mom was so smart and so strong and was someone I wanted to be just like someday -I had to reconcile in my mind that the happy memories of my dad were real even if the marriage was crumbling. For the longest time it was a nice feeling that my parents were still together in what I assumed was a happy marriage. When it all went to crap, I questioned what was real and what wasn’t. Once I worked thru all the emotions above and resolved the anger, I was able to appreciate that at least while the marriage was good, my dad was a good dad. I was able to work that out for myself. I was only in that mindframe after the relationship with both my parents was repaired. |
Anonymous
|
Honestly it seems like OP just wants to forget it happened and forgive her perfect husband so they can have their picture perfect life back. It’s fine if she wants to sweep it under the rug but the betrayed daughter will never be able to look at either of her parents the same again. OP and her husband both betrayed her and let her down. And now she’s going to be the only voice of dissent against the rest of her family because she wants nothing to do with her lying dad.
She trusted and cared enough about her mom to tell her what she knew, which must have been very difficult for her. But her mom didn’t care and immediately forgave her dad. What a mess for that poor child. I hope she has a great support system. Depending on her age, this may be the deciding factor in her future relationships with her parents. |
Anonymous
New poster. Agree with immediate PP above: Don't out any decisions or choices on either DD now. Dad moves out temporarily with a crystal clear commitment to fidelity and to very intensive therapy. Couples therapy plus probably individual therapy for OP and DH -- and absolutely, individual therapy for each of the girls for as long as necessary. Maybe family counseling all together at some point. OP, the situation really does merit the expense and commitment of ALL of you in therapy now, not years down the road. The couples therapist works with you to determine when is the time for DH to move back home. The girls need space, including the DD who wants dad around. She too needs a period when dad and her sister who hates dad are not under the same roof. You need to give the girls the gift of that space apart--not focus on "togetherness" just now. Are you doing pastoral counseling or actual therapy, OP? I know several very well-trained and experienced pastoral counselors and am pretty sure they themselves would be telling you to see therapists and not solely pastoral counselors or pastors. Someone up the thread mentioned you might be seeing a religious counselor, hence the question. |
Anonymous
| Sorry, should be "don't PUT any decisions" and not "don't out." |
Anonymous
| Am I the only one who doesn't see the big deal that dad denied the affair? Most of you made it sound like that's a bigger crime than the affair itself. I think the affair hurt the daughter way more than the denial. |
Anonymous
|
OP. Lots of replies and I'll read them more carefully in the morning. Right now a few quick answers.
It's a family therapist, not a pastor. Not that I don't think a pastor would be a great help, too, we just don't have a church right now. I am a Christian, and prayers are appreciated and are certainly flying around the house. I'm not sure I totally love the therapist right now and am trying another one next week. My DH has apologized to both girls, profusely, specifically addressing the eldest. I think some pps have given specific wording that might be more helpful, though, to ensure she feels validated. I'm not trying to sweep anything under the rug. I'm furious, he knows I'm pissed. He understands the girls are pissed. This is new territory, trying to fix a marriage, respect kids' feelings, and balance what's best for everyone. I have considered having DH move out and it's not completely off the table. I will bring this up to the therapist and see what she thinks will be best for the girls. There are a couple things holding me back, but neither are totally unsurmountable if this is the best for everyone. Thank you again to all who are being helpful and sincere, I really do appreciate your insight and ideas. |
Anonymous
OP said that the cheater essentially called the daughter a liar for reporting what she knew to be true. Calling a child a liar when they are reporting traumatic events, abuse, etc, is unforgivable. It's like the moms who side with the boyfriends when their daughters report that the boyfriends are molesting them. Or the church-goers who know there's something off about the pastor but deny it when their child reports molestation because they don't want to make any trouble or embarrassment for themselves. It's so unbelievably icky. It seems like OP wants to leave it all up to her religion and God, blah blah blah. Which smells to me like a BS way of trying to justify doing nothing and refusing to take responsibility for the situation and do what she knows (or should know) is right. The sad thing is that by now, it's probably too late anyway. The betrayed daughter already knows that her mom thought it was okay that the father called her a liar and is/was considering sweeping things under the rug. If she's a smart girl then she probably would know what the score is now, regardless of what OP ends up doing. |
Anonymous
Your husband may have apologized, but that doesn't mean your daughter is ready to forgive or to live under the same roof as his again. He broke her trust in him, and now she's being forced to live under the same roof as a person she does not trust or feel comfortable with, and she gets no say in the matter. In that sense she's in a worse position than you, because while you were both betrayed, you got to make the decision for yourself about whether to stay with him. She didn't. |
Anonymous
Can he date while separated just in case she decides to divorce? That way it's not like some big family Scarlett letter which is not sustainable. Both parents have to really want to be together not just guilted and shamed into it. If the husband picks the wife over his dates even the daughters will respect it more deep inside. |
Anonymous
| I didn't read the whole thread but this happened to my cousin. It's still not easy to this day, even though the affair was 3 years ago. Hugs OP, I'm sorry. |
Anonymous
|
There are a few things that need to happen before you can even begin the process of recovering:
1) DH needs to apologize directly to DD 2) DH needs to honestly talk about what happened, why it happened and what steps he will take to ensure it will not happen again 3) DH needs to promise and show his daughters that they come first Do you know how long he has been cheating? |
Anonymous
| He only apologized as he was forced into it. There is probably no sincerity in it and he'd still be cheating if he didn't get caught (or probably still is cheating). You are siding with him fully to save your marriage. No one is addressing the kids needs as he's playing right into exactly what you want to hear and him to do. This probably wasn't the first affair. |