Why doesn't my attractive daughter have any boys that like her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She’s probably giving off a vibe that she isn’t interested. At this age, boys are drawn to a more “sure thing”.

I believe this - they have a fragile ego at stake. What do I do if I can tell that a nice boy is interested in my DD, but she thinks he wants to be just friends? I really think I'm correct about this - the doe-eyed look, Facetiming, very attentive even when I'm around...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s probably giving off a vibe that she isn’t interested. At this age, boys are drawn to a more “sure thing”.

I believe this - they have a fragile ego at stake. What do I do if I can tell that a nice boy is interested in my DD, but she thinks he wants to be just friends? I really think I'm correct about this - the doe-eyed look, Facetiming, very attentive even when I'm around...

OP here and I did not write this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s probably giving off a vibe that she isn’t interested. At this age, boys are drawn to a more “sure thing”.

I believe this - they have a fragile ego at stake. What do I do if I can tell that a nice boy is interested in my DD, but she thinks he wants to be just friends? I really think I'm correct about this - the doe-eyed look, Facetiming, very attentive even when I'm around...

OP here and I did not write this.

Yes, sorry, I'm a new poster.

[Anonymous]

If her mother thinks she is gorgeous & extremely intelligent, she has probably gotten that message (even if indirectly) growing up & is arrogant/has a big head.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 17 DD is gorgeous and brilliant and has not really had a boyfriend. I think she intimidates the boys. I look forward to her meeting some more confident boys in college. Also I believe she is not into sex or drugs/drinking which impacts her popularity.

Wow, there is an astounding amount of delusion in your post.

I am not that pp, but they sound spot on. High school boys are typically not into girls smarter than they are. And, if she's not into the party scene or having sex early, that's something else that kills high school boy interest. She will do well in college and dating in college.

Lol you are so wrong. I know I know next you will say you have friends who are male...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s probably giving off a vibe that she isn’t interested. At this age, boys are drawn to a more “sure thing”.

I believe this - they have a fragile ego at stake. What do I do if I can tell that a nice boy is interested in my DD, but she thinks he wants to be just friends? I really think I'm correct about this - the doe-eyed look, Facetiming, very attentive even when I'm around...

You stay out of it.

[Anonymous]

OP, build her confidence in herself at this age. There really is no good that comes out of dating at 14. If she is attractive and smart as you say (and I believe you), she will have the rest of her life to deal with boys and dating. Even a coupe of years building her own identity is a gift. Make sure she realizes it.

[Anonymous]

Does she like someone? Or she is upset because no one likes her? If she has a crush and she is upset because the boy doesn't like her, I understand. But if she is upset because the boys are not into her, this means she is just a spoiled immature girl - even for a 14 yo.

Anyway, if she was my DD, I would tell her to put her energy in academics, sports, and whatever she is passionate about it. Not boys. What a waste of time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Why roll your eyes? Were you never a teenage girl? How would you have felt if all your friends had boys liking them, an no one ever expressed interest in you? This is the kind of thing that bothers teenage girls (and presumably boys as well).

Eye roll is called for here. This OP should understand that this is a blessing and tell her DD that 14 year olds who are into boys are not mature enough to know anything about anything. If this is OP, your DD is having out with the wrong crowd, plenty of 14 year olds are not into boys apart from some platonic crushes and gazes, same for boys.

Look, I would rather not have my 14 year old daughter date. It's not that I want her to have a boyfriend at her age but I hate to see my daughter sad, when to hear her perspective it seems like everyone else either has a boyfriend or someone who likes them. And she in no way, hangs out with a "fast" crowd. She and all her friends are Orchestra nerds, in advanced classes, go to science camps etc. It's quite normal for 14 year olds to express interest in the opposite sex. Who are all these 14 year old kids that aren't yet developing crushes? That would seem to be an anomaly.

You are not listening. It is not an anomaly despite what your daughter tells you. Many 14 year olds of both genders are not dating. They may be secretly crushing but it isn’t the focus of their lives. At least that is true for my DD’s crowd.

Maybe your DD doesn’t feel comfortable discussing these things with you.

What things? That she has a crush on someone? I am ok with that - she doesn’t need to be sharing everything with me. What I can do and make sure of is that she understands that I believe she is an interesting and valuable young woman. My job is to build her self confidence at this age. That has nothing to do with her crushes - that’s her business. Hopefully she will grow up not measuring her self worth in how boys in her class perceive her at 14!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Why roll your eyes? Were you never a teenage girl? How would you have felt if all your friends had boys liking them, an no one ever expressed interest in you? This is the kind of thing that bothers teenage girls (and presumably boys as well).

Eye roll is called for here. This OP should understand that this is a blessing and tell her DD that 14 year olds who are into boys are not mature enough to know anything about anything. If this is OP, your DD is having out with the wrong crowd, plenty of 14 year olds are not into boys apart from some platonic crushes and gazes, same for boys.

Look, I would rather not have my 14 year old daughter date. It's not that I want her to have a boyfriend at her age but I hate to see my daughter sad, when to hear her perspective it seems like everyone else either has a boyfriend or someone who likes them. And she in no way, hangs out with a "fast" crowd. She and all her friends are Orchestra nerds, in advanced classes, go to science camps etc. It's quite normal for 14 year olds to express interest in the opposite sex. Who are all these 14 year old kids that aren't yet developing crushes? That would seem to be an anomaly.

You are not listening. It is not an anomaly despite what your daughter tells you. Many 14 year olds of both genders are not dating. They may be secretly crushing but it isn’t the focus of their lives. At least that is true for my DD’s crowd.

Maybe your DD doesn’t feel comfortable discussing these things with you.

What things? That she has a crush on someone? I am ok with that - she doesn’t need to be sharing everything with me. What I can do and make sure of is that she understands that I believe she is an interesting and valuable young woman. My job is to build her self confidence at this age. That has nothing to do with her crushes - that’s her business. Hopefully she will grow up not measuring her self worth in how boys in her class perceive her at 14!

+1

The need for boys' attention is sad and a clear sign of low self-esteem. The fact that her mom can't see this is worse.

[Anonymous]

It’s very normal that 14 year olds have crushes and ‘date’ and my kids are involved in extracurriculars in a very time consuming way. Op, your daughter may be a late bloomer or maybe she is gay? If guys are getting the vibe that she’s not attracted to them, that could be a factor. The fact that you are so concerned also tells me that you think something is off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s very normal that 14 year olds have crushes and ‘date’ and my kids are involved in extracurriculars in a very time consuming way. Op, your daughter may be a late bloomer or maybe she is gay? If guys are getting the vibe that she’s not attracted to them, that could be a factor. The fact that you are so concerned also tells me that you think something is off.

I was in this situation in high school and there were several reasons:
Taller than all boys in.my class until senior year
Looked much older, asked out by 20 somethings (did not go of course!) when I was 15.
Flirted with crushes, but they liked my short blonde friends.
Went to private school, so the cliques were bad and there was a lot of social exclusion, and I was one of the "poors". Only was able to occasionally date guys from public schools.

One funny thing...two guys I had crushes on in my friend group would have nothing romantically to do with me, even in college. (I was also a scholarship student in college.) I gave up, moved on dated others. 5 years down the road, when they both found out through mutual friends I was in a Master's program at a high ranking University, I started hearing from both and they both asked me out for the first time.

When I went out with them they voluntarily told me that I was:
(1) Too tall in high school but not tall now, they had grown, of xouse. (2) And implied that I now had enough "status" to date. It was unreal.

I expected the tall issue, but not that my family was considered too poor and low status. This wasn't even in DC. Kicked both those guys to the curb immediately, and later found my wonderful dh. But I still feel like I missed out on many high school experiences because dates seemed to be required at this private school back in the day.

Wish my parents had just sent me to public school, where there were a wider range of people and interests. Would encourage your daughter to pursue hobbies and gain skills, and maybe socialize away from her current high school in other groups and activities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want to start out by saying I am NOT a troll, because I know someone is going to accuse me of being one. But I have a 14 year old daughter who is attractive (but not intimidatingly so) that is very upset because as far as she is aware, no boys like her. She is at an age where a lot of her friends are coupling up, and she hears boys talking about liking other girls she is friends with and is upset that "no one likes her" I try to comfort her of course and tell her that she is young and will meet someone eventually, and that there are probably boys who do like her, but are too shy to say anything, but I have to admit, I also wonder why she is not getting any obvious attention from boys. I have a daughter in 7th grade who often hears about boys who have crushes on her, so I'm not really sure what to think, much less say to my older daughter about why she doesn't get the same attention.

Perhaps ask your DD if she is upset that "boys don't seem to pay attention to her" or if she really wants a boyfriend? These are really two different discussions - one is about craving validation, the other is about the responsibilities of dating/relationships. I have this conversation from her perspective as a listening ear vs. a lecture. It's easy for parents to be dismissive because we do know there is all the time in the world. That' a fast way to have a kid shut down and assume that we don't understand what they are experiencing.

I don't know if she really wants a boyfriend, but she is bothered that there doesn't appear to be any boys interested in her, because she thinks she might not be very pretty. -(

To be honest, OP, this is one of those things that requires honest conversation to dispell the myth that all that is required for someone to find you attractive is "to be very pretty"...because, as you know just by virtue of being an adult, that is just not true. Pretty girls can be pretty AND awkward. Or Pretty AND too narcissistic. Or pretty AND too shy/quiet/nerdy. Or pretty AND intimidating. Or Pretty and have RBF (Resting B*tch Face) that scares away boys or turns them off b/c you aren't FUN to be around.
And guess what...your DD may be thinking that only the girls who receive attention from boys are deemed "pretty" enough for that. But between the two of you, you can challenge that notion by pointing out that there are surely girls in her sphere who have "big personalities" that are fun and cheerful or witty and flirty, etc. etc. that attracts people to them (boys and girls alike!) moreso than the way they look alone! Sure, it doesn't usually hurt to be physically attractive. But that is only one factor, and if a girl isn't completely objectively unattractive (and I think your daughter--or at least you--would know if that were the case) then you have to assume that what is preventing her from being the object of someone's affection (at least openly) is the way she presents herself as open to that. Is she insecure? Is she standoffish? Does she engage in conversation? Is she boring? Interesting? Does she make eye contact and laugh at jokes or contribute to humor of the group in any way? Or is she just...there? Blending into the background?
At 14, this isn't important to figure out for right this minute. But it's a conversation worth having because it may influence how her future dating life will go when it's actually time for that. Most of all, you need to help her see that boys (in the generic sense) are just as complicated as girls...and they aren't sooo one dimensional as to have only one criteria for finding a girl attractive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want to start out by saying I am NOT a troll, because I know someone is going to accuse me of being one. But I have a 14 year old daughter who is attractive (but not intimidatingly so) that is very upset because as far as she is aware, no boys like her. She is at an age where a lot of her friends are coupling up, and she hears boys talking about liking other girls she is friends with and is upset that "no one likes her" I try to comfort her of course and tell her that she is young and will meet someone eventually, and that there are probably boys who do like her, but are too shy to say anything, but I have to admit, I also wonder why she is not getting any obvious attention from boys. I have a daughter in 7th grade who often hears about boys who have crushes on her, so I'm not really sure what to think, much less say to my older daughter about why she doesn't get the same attention.

Perhaps ask your DD if she is upset that "boys don't seem to pay attention to her" or if she really wants a boyfriend? These are really two different discussions - one is about craving validation, the other is about the responsibilities of dating/relationships. I have this conversation from her perspective as a listening ear vs. a lecture. It's easy for parents to be dismissive because we do know there is all the time in the world. That' a fast way to have a kid shut down and assume that we don't understand what they are experiencing.

Thanks for taking the time to write this. This is a great response!


I don't know if she really wants a boyfriend, but she is bothered that there doesn't appear to be any boys interested in her, because she thinks she might not be very pretty. -(

To be honest, OP, this is one of those things that requires honest conversation to dispell the myth that all that is required for someone to find you attractive is "to be very pretty"...because, as you know just by virtue of being an adult, that is just not true. Pretty girls can be pretty AND awkward. Or Pretty AND too narcissistic. Or pretty AND too shy/quiet/nerdy. Or pretty AND intimidating. Or Pretty and have RBF (Resting B*tch Face) that scares away boys or turns them off b/c you aren't FUN to be around.
And guess what...your DD may be thinking that only the girls who receive attention from boys are deemed "pretty" enough for that. But between the two of you, you can challenge that notion by pointing out that there are surely girls in her sphere who have "big personalities" that are fun and cheerful or witty and flirty, etc. etc. that attracts people to them (boys and girls alike!) moreso than the way they look alone! Sure, it doesn't usually hurt to be physically attractive. But that is only one factor, and if a girl isn't completely objectively unattractive (and I think your daughter--or at least you--would know if that were the case) then you have to assume that what is preventing her from being the object of someone's affection (at least openly) is the way she presents herself as open to that. Is she insecure? Is she standoffish? Does she engage in conversation? Is she boring? Interesting? Does she make eye contact and laugh at jokes or contribute to humor of the group in any way? Or is she just...there? Blending into the background?
At 14, this isn't important to figure out for right this minute. But it's a conversation worth having because it may influence how her future dating life will go when it's actually time for that. Most of all, you need to help her see that boys (in the generic sense) are just as complicated as girls...and they aren't sooo one dimensional as to have only one criteria for finding a girl attractive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want to start out by saying I am NOT a troll, because I know someone is going to accuse me of being one. But I have a 14 year old daughter who is attractive (but not intimidatingly so) that is very upset because as far as she is aware, no boys like her. She is at an age where a lot of her friends are coupling up, and she hears boys talking about liking other girls she is friends with and is upset that "no one likes her" I try to comfort her of course and tell her that she is young and will meet someone eventually, and that there are probably boys who do like her, but are too shy to say anything, but I have to admit, I also wonder why she is not getting any obvious attention from boys. I have a daughter in 7th grade who often hears about boys who have crushes on her, so I'm not really sure what to think, much less say to my older daughter about why she doesn't get the same attention.

Perhaps ask your DD if she is upset that "boys don't seem to pay attention to her" or if she really wants a boyfriend? These are really two different discussions - one is about craving validation, the other is about the responsibilities of dating/relationships. I have this conversation from her perspective as a listening ear vs. a lecture. It's easy for parents to be dismissive because we do know there is all the time in the world. That' a fast way to have a kid shut down and assume that we don't understand what they are experiencing.

Thanks for taking the time to write this. This is a great response!


I don't know if she really wants a boyfriend, but she is bothered that there doesn't appear to be any boys interested in her, because she thinks she might not be very pretty. -(

To be honest, OP, this is one of those things that requires honest conversation to dispell the myth that all that is required for someone to find you attractive is "to be very pretty"...because, as you know just by virtue of being an adult, that is just not true. Pretty girls can be pretty AND awkward. Or Pretty AND too narcissistic. Or pretty AND too shy/quiet/nerdy. Or pretty AND intimidating. Or Pretty and have RBF (Resting B*tch Face) that scares away boys or turns them off b/c you aren't FUN to be around.
And guess what...your DD may be thinking that only the girls who receive attention from boys are deemed "pretty" enough for that. But between the two of you, you can challenge that notion by pointing out that there are surely girls in her sphere who have "big personalities" that are fun and cheerful or witty and flirty, etc. etc. that attracts people to them (boys and girls alike!) moreso than the way they look alone! Sure, it doesn't usually hurt to be physically attractive. But that is only one factor, and if a girl isn't completely objectively unattractive (and I think your daughter--or at least you--would know if that were the case) then you have to assume that what is preventing her from being the object of someone's affection (at least openly) is the way she presents herself as open to that. Is she insecure? Is she standoffish? Does she engage in conversation? Is she boring? Interesting? Does she make eye contact and laugh at jokes or contribute to humor of the group in any way? Or is she just...there? Blending into the background?
At 14, this isn't important to figure out for right this minute. But it's a conversation worth having because it may influence how her future dating life will go when it's actually time for that. Most of all, you need to help her see that boys (in the generic sense) are just as complicated as girls...and they aren't sooo one dimensional as to have only one criteria for finding a girl attractive.

Ok, let me try again. Thanks for this great response!