Why doesn't my attractive daughter have any boys that like her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread may win out for the biggest dumpster fire on DCUM this year.

1) OP isn't trying to set her DD up with anyone. Nor trying to pressure her to do anything. OP is just expressing that her DD is sad because boys don't like her. I'm sure that a million pages of diaries across the globe (and time) reflect a similar lament from a variety of teens (attractive and not). Her kid is sad; she would like to help. DCUM reaction: what a terrible mother.

2) What bizzaro world have we slipped into that apparently nobody's kids have even considered the concept of dating? I don't think the underlying biological principles have changed in the not quite two decades, since I was in Junior High. I assure you, your 14 year old boy has thought about girls (or boys or gender non-conforming individuals as the appropriate case maybe). And yeah, they probably are more interested in Fortnite or there rec team, because they are probably clueless (and anxious) about what to do if they actually were trying to engage in some relationship activity (asking for a date, first kiss, etc.). Have you forgotten the horrible torture of 14? Quick recap- AAAH, where do my hands go? Wait, why my palms wet? OH GOD OH GOD. Are you talking to me? LIPS. And we're back. Sure, some kids didn't date because of parents or lack of interest. But the vast, vast majority of people had at least some awkward crushes. Maybe that meant that you "dated" or "went out" with somebody, but even then very few of those relationships involved actual dates. Where I lived that I would have required organizing transportation, and most of kids would have rather died (in the parlance of the time) than talk with parents about a crush. Have schools in this area really stopped holding dances for the under high school set?

3) Why all the finger-wagging about liking boys (or girls) prior to being accepted to an elite graduate school program? I know that DCUM is all about ribbon and trophy collecting, but are you really saying that kids need to train so hard for swim team, marching band, choir, model UN, whatever, that they can't hold hands at the movies or sway slightly (on or off the beat according to their musical ability) to a slow song once every three months? Is there no room for anything that doesn't appear on a college transcript or a professional bio? (Ms. Smith is married to Roger, her husband of 14 years. They have 2.5 children and a lovely golden doodle rescue.) I'm not saying that anyone should push for a kid to date, but it seems like nature does a decent job of letting folks know when they're ready for this particular extracurricular activity. And that parents role shouldn't be to shame them because they are too young (or because they want grandchildren), but rather to help keep the raft off the rocks by teaching them about things like consent, safety, etc.

4) To the middle school teacher that feels free to generalize about kids future based upon thier 8th grade love lives- I went on my last first date at 15. Our college and graduate degrees are from schools in different states and that are from places that soothe even DCUM-level class anxiety. Dating earlier doesn't mean that you are bound to become a fry cook, any more than dating late means that you are going to be successful and happy.

ALL OF THIS. It’s biology, people. Stop clutching your pearls!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was a girl who didn't get a lot of attention until my early 20's. It was painful.
At the same time, 14 year olds really have no business dating. At all. So be glad you don't have to tell her that, no, she cannot go out with so and so. Better for her to wait to date until she's closer to 16. 14 is still a baby. And yes, I have a 14 year old daughter.

I agree, but here, as everywhere, YMMV. I have a friend whose daughter at the good ole' age of 11 opened up an Instagram account (obviously, adding a couple of years to her year of birth) and started posting 'hot' pictures. With the right light and plenty of Photoshop, she could easily pass for a 16-year-old.
The girl turned 13 last summer and seems to be on her 5th boyfriend. Her social media status is listed as 'married'.

[Anonymous]

I agree 14 is really young. But we all want to feel attractive, especially at that age. Perfectly normal. I have a daughter a lot like yours. She a strong girl, but it bothered her. I once asked her if she knew she was beautiful, which objectively she is, and she shyly nodded. But the barometer at 14 was the thin, well developed girls, which she was not. It’s such a hard age! I think dating in later high school is a good thing. I had a great high school boyfriend and it kept me away from the hook up scene in college, as I knew I preferred to be part of a relationship. I would also say that sadly, there is a group of girls and boys who are having sex at 14, mostly oral. The statistics are most kids aren’t virgins by 18.

[Anonymous]

https://www.bustle.com/p/the-average-age-people-lose-their-virginity-around-the-world-7715863

USA: 17 girls /16 Boys. But oral sex is such a big thing with teens, if that were the measure I believe the numbers would be about a year younger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread may win out for the biggest dumpster fire on DCUM this year.

1) OP isn't trying to set her DD up with anyone. Nor trying to pressure her to do anything. OP is just expressing that her DD is sad because boys don't like her. I'm sure that a million pages of diaries across the globe (and time) reflect a similar lament from a variety of teens (attractive and not). Her kid is sad; she would like to help. DCUM reaction: what a terrible mother.

2) What bizzaro world have we slipped into that apparently nobody's kids have even considered the concept of dating? I don't think the underlying biological principles have changed in the not quite two decades, since I was in Junior High. I assure you, your 14 year old boy has thought about girls (or boys or gender non-conforming individuals as the appropriate case maybe). And yeah, they probably are more interested in Fortnite or there rec team, because they are probably clueless (and anxious) about what to do if they actually were trying to engage in some relationship activity (asking for a date, first kiss, etc.). Have you forgotten the horrible torture of 14? Quick recap- AAAH, where do my hands go? Wait, why my palms wet? OH GOD OH GOD. Are you talking to me? LIPS. And we're back. Sure, some kids didn't date because of parents or lack of interest. But the vast, vast majority of people had at least some awkward crushes. Maybe that meant that you "dated" or "went out" with somebody, but even then very few of those relationships involved actual dates. Where I lived that I would have required organizing transportation, and most of kids would have rather died (in the parlance of the time) than talk with parents about a crush. Have schools in this area really stopped holding dances for the under high school set?

3) Why all the finger-wagging about liking boys (or girls) prior to being accepted to an elite graduate school program? I know that DCUM is all about ribbon and trophy collecting, but are you really saying that kids need to train so hard for swim team, marching band, choir, model UN, whatever, that they can't hold hands at the movies or sway slightly (on or off the beat according to their musical ability) to a slow song once every three months? Is there no room for anything that doesn't appear on a college transcript or a professional bio? (Ms. Smith is married to Roger, her husband of 14 years. They have 2.5 children and a lovely golden doodle rescue.) I'm not saying that anyone should push for a kid to date, but it seems like nature does a decent job of letting folks know when they're ready for this particular extracurricular activity. And that parents role shouldn't be to shame them because they are too young (or because they want grandchildren), but rather to help keep the raft off the rocks by teaching them about things like consent, safety, etc.

4) To the middle school teacher that feels free to generalize about kids future based upon thier 8th grade love lives- I went on my last first date at 15. Our college and graduate degrees are from schools in different states and that are from places that soothe even DCUM-level class anxiety. Dating earlier doesn't mean that you are bound to become a fry cook, any more than dating late means that you are going to be successful and happy.

Having crushes, worrying no one will like you, writing in your journal about your woes - all normal for 14.

Having your mom also concerned that no one will like you, having your mom focused on your appearance and how boys should like her just because she is pretty, and having a mom who wants her to be with boys at 14 so she feels validated for her looks - not normal. Mom seems to be in the same head space as the 14 year old.

Parents role should be to normalize that stress and encourage daughter to build self confidence for herself - not to get it from boys who will tell her she is pretty. It is absolutely fine to be 14 and to not have a boyfriend. It is fine for boys to not like her in that way. Nothing needs to be fixed about this situation. OP just needs to normalize this for her daughter rather than seeing this as a situation to fix.

[Anonymous]

Reminds me of a convo I overheard recently (extended family, while on vacation)...

Dad: (from a distance, watching son) "Oh my goodness, Michael is so unbelievably gorgeous. Don't you think?"
Mom: "Oh well, I dunno, If he were, why did Julia dump him?"

Weird. I can think of a few reasons. It ain't all about looks, people.

[Anonymous]

"This thread may win out for the biggest dumpster fire on DCUM this year.

1) OP isn't trying to set her DD up with anyone. Nor trying to pressure her to do anything. OP is just expressing that her DD is sad because boys don't like her. I'm sure that a million pages of diaries across the globe (and time) reflect a similar lament from a variety of teens (attractive and not). Her kid is sad; she would like to help. DCUM reaction: what a terrible mother . . ."

Thank you! You saved me from typing almost the exact same thoughts!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread may win out for the biggest dumpster fire on DCUM this year.

1) OP isn't trying to set her DD up with anyone. Nor trying to pressure her to do anything. OP is just expressing that her DD is sad because boys don't like her. I'm sure that a million pages of diaries across the globe (and time) reflect a similar lament from a variety of teens (attractive and not). Her kid is sad; she would like to help. DCUM reaction: what a terrible mother.

2) What bizzaro world have we slipped into that apparently nobody's kids have even considered the concept of dating? I don't think the underlying biological principles have changed in the not quite two decades, since I was in Junior High. I assure you, your 14 year old boy has thought about girls (or boys or gender non-conforming individuals as the appropriate case maybe). And yeah, they probably are more interested in Fortnite or there rec team, because they are probably clueless (and anxious) about what to do if they actually were trying to engage in some relationship activity (asking for a date, first kiss, etc.). Have you forgotten the horrible torture of 14? Quick recap- AAAH, where do my hands go? Wait, why my palms wet? OH GOD OH GOD. Are you talking to me? LIPS. And we're back. Sure, some kids didn't date because of parents or lack of interest. But the vast, vast majority of people had at least some awkward crushes. Maybe that meant that you "dated" or "went out" with somebody, but even then very few of those relationships involved actual dates. Where I lived that I would have required organizing transportation, and most of kids would have rather died (in the parlance of the time) than talk with parents about a crush. Have schools in this area really stopped holding dances for the under high school set?

3) Why all the finger-wagging about liking boys (or girls) prior to being accepted to an elite graduate school program? I know that DCUM is all about ribbon and trophy collecting, but are you really saying that kids need to train so hard for swim team, marching band, choir, model UN, whatever, that they can't hold hands at the movies or sway slightly (on or off the beat according to their musical ability) to a slow song once every three months? Is there no room for anything that doesn't appear on a college transcript or a professional bio? (Ms. Smith is married to Roger, her husband of 14 years. They have 2.5 children and a lovely golden doodle rescue.) I'm not saying that anyone should push for a kid to date, but it seems like nature does a decent job of letting folks know when they're ready for this particular extracurricular activity. And that parents role shouldn't be to shame them because they are too young (or because they want grandchildren), but rather to help keep the raft off the rocks by teaching them about things like consent, safety, etc.

4) To the middle school teacher that feels free to generalize about kids future based upon thier 8th grade love lives- I went on my last first date at 15. Our college and graduate degrees are from schools in different states and that are from places that soothe even DCUM-level class anxiety. Dating earlier doesn't mean that you are bound to become a fry cook, any more than dating late means that you are going to be successful and happy.

OMG. Finally the voice of sanity. I was beginning to feel like I was living on another planet from all the posters who are horrified that a 14 year old would even be interested in a romantic relationship and bothered that no one is apparently interested in her. Isn't this the type of thing that all humans male or female would be bothered about? And 14 is a totally normal age to have these feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To the long pp above.

Kids of 14 may or may not have crushes and/or “date”. When your DD comes to you about this as an issue, the best response at this age is to sympathize sure but to guide her away from focusing on her single status and to build up her self esteem. Do not wallow with her and certainly don’t let her think that there is anything missing in her life.

The kid’s behavior seems totally normal. The Mom’s response seems over the top to me and not conducive in the long run to building a healthy view of herself.

I am the OP, will you go back and read the original post and tell me exactly what my "over the top" response was? What did I say to my daughter that was over the top?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread may win out for the biggest dumpster fire on DCUM this year.

1) OP isn't trying to set her DD up with anyone. Nor trying to pressure her to do anything. OP is just expressing that her DD is sad because boys don't like her. I'm sure that a million pages of diaries across the globe (and time) reflect a similar lament from a variety of teens (attractive and not). Her kid is sad; she would like to help. DCUM reaction: what a terrible mother.

2) What bizzaro world have we slipped into that apparently nobody's kids have even considered the concept of dating? I don't think the underlying biological principles have changed in the not quite two decades, since I was in Junior High. I assure you, your 14 year old boy has thought about girls (or boys or gender non-conforming individuals as the appropriate case maybe). And yeah, they probably are more interested in Fortnite or there rec team, because they are probably clueless (and anxious) about what to do if they actually were trying to engage in some relationship activity (asking for a date, first kiss, etc.). Have you forgotten the horrible torture of 14? Quick recap- AAAH, where do my hands go? Wait, why my palms wet? OH GOD OH GOD. Are you talking to me? LIPS. And we're back. Sure, some kids didn't date because of parents or lack of interest. But the vast, vast majority of people had at least some awkward crushes. Maybe that meant that you "dated" or "went out" with somebody, but even then very few of those relationships involved actual dates. Where I lived that I would have required organizing transportation, and most of kids would have rather died (in the parlance of the time) than talk with parents about a crush. Have schools in this area really stopped holding dances for the under high school set?

3) Why all the finger-wagging about liking boys (or girls) prior to being accepted to an elite graduate school program? I know that DCUM is all about ribbon and trophy collecting, but are you really saying that kids need to train so hard for swim team, marching band, choir, model UN, whatever, that they can't hold hands at the movies or sway slightly (on or off the beat according to their musical ability) to a slow song once every three months? Is there no room for anything that doesn't appear on a college transcript or a professional bio? (Ms. Smith is married to Roger, her husband of 14 years. They have 2.5 children and a lovely golden doodle rescue.) I'm not saying that anyone should push for a kid to date, but it seems like nature does a decent job of letting folks know when they're ready for this particular extracurricular activity. And that parents role shouldn't be to shame them because they are too young (or because they want grandchildren), but rather to help keep the raft off the rocks by teaching them about things like consent, safety, etc.

4) To the middle school teacher that feels free to generalize about kids future based upon thier 8th grade love lives- I went on my last first date at 15. Our college and graduate degrees are from schools in different states and that are from places that soothe even DCUM-level class anxiety. Dating earlier doesn't mean that you are bound to become a fry cook, any more than dating late means that you are going to be successful and happy.

Having crushes, worrying no one will like you, writing in your journal about your woes - all normal for 14.

Having your mom also concerned that no one will like you, having your mom focused on your appearance and how boys should like her just because she is pretty, and having a mom who wants her to be with boys at 14 so she feels validated for her looks - not normal. Mom seems to be in the same head space as the 14 year old.

Parents role should be to normalize that stress and encourage daughter to build self confidence for herself - not to get it from boys who will tell her she is pretty. It is absolutely fine to be 14 and to not have a boyfriend. It is fine for boys to not like her in that way. Nothing needs to be fixed about this situation. OP just needs to normalize this for her daughter rather than seeing this as a situation to fix.

OP here. Way to project your own feelings into something that was never there. Again go back and read what I posted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 17 DD is gorgeous and brilliant and has not really had a boyfriend. I think she intimidates the boys. I look forward to her meeting some more confident boys in college. Also I believe she is not into sex or drugs/drinking which impacts her popularity.

This is my DD, except she’s 19 and disappointed that college is not much different. The girls who “flaunt it” get the attention.