Custody Issue - Pendente Lite VS. Divorce Decree - Help!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why?

Too much to recap but I came on here to ask for help about what to do back when we were both living in the same house.
Here's the backstory:
https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/728320.page

Yikes. Your DW is a lunatic and is damaging your DD. Very sad. Is your DD reasonable well balanced or is she inheriting bad traits from the horrible behavior of your DW? If she's a well balanced kid, keep up whatever you're doing b/c she's going to need it.

Unless the divorce is due to abuse by OP. OP is refusing to discuss the fault-based grounds for a reason.

The fault grounds shouldn’t matter when it comes to custody, so they’re not really relevant. However, what they are relevant to is why there was no signed separation agreement and/or negotiation BEFORE a pendente lite hearing. It should have never gotten to that point. Since it did, I’m afraid OP is in for a long long road ahead of him with his ex.

Abuse toward the wife isn't technically relevant to a custody determination, but if the child witnessed the abuse and/or OP has behaved in questionable manner toward the child, that can be grounds for a judge limiting his access to the child. Especially if the child has expressed a preference not to spend time with her father.

OP isn’t saying purposely, but if you read between the lines it is pretty clearly adultery.

Correct but it still doesn't warrant the punitive nature of the divorce settlement.

If OP neglected his daughter even once during his affair, STBXW had to pick up the slack. And I'm guessing she picked up A LOT of the slack, since people in affair's generally disregard their home life responsibilities. So if that was the "new norm" for their DD, that's what the judge is going to order. BTDT.

are you exDH or exDW?

I thought it was pretty clear, but I am the exDW. DH had an affair, and I was essentially a single mom for 10 months. When we went to court, that was evident, despite his involvement with our daughters prior to the affair. Affairs screw up families, plain and simple.

That was your case but it's not representative of what happens with affairs. If you wanted to, you can have maintained 50-50 split but you chose not to - that's on you.

My exDW cheated on me and left me for AP. I was essentially a single dad of 2 young kids for several months but I never thought that it was a permanent solution. Kids need their parents, 50-50 (or as close as possible). Period. Being a single parent for x months is irrelevant to the issue. What your wishes for your kid is what matters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why?

Too much to recap but I came on here to ask for help about what to do back when we were both living in the same house.
Here's the backstory:
https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/728320.page

Yikes. Your DW is a lunatic and is damaging your DD. Very sad. Is your DD reasonable well balanced or is she inheriting bad traits from the horrible behavior of your DW? If she's a well balanced kid, keep up whatever you're doing b/c she's going to need it.

Unless the divorce is due to abuse by OP. OP is refusing to discuss the fault-based grounds for a reason.

The fault grounds shouldn’t matter when it comes to custody, so they’re not really relevant. However, what they are relevant to is why there was no signed separation agreement and/or negotiation BEFORE a pendente lite hearing. It should have never gotten to that point. Since it did, I’m afraid OP is in for a long long road ahead of him with his ex.

Abuse toward the wife isn't technically relevant to a custody determination, but if the child witnessed the abuse and/or OP has behaved in questionable manner toward the child, that can be grounds for a judge limiting his access to the child. Especially if the child has expressed a preference not to spend time with her father.

OP isn’t saying purposely, but if you read between the lines it is pretty clearly adultery.

Correct but it still doesn't warrant the punitive nature of the divorce settlement.

If OP neglected his daughter even once during his affair, STBXW had to pick up the slack. And I'm guessing she picked up A LOT of the slack, since people in affair's generally disregard their home life responsibilities. So if that was the "new norm" for their DD, that's what the judge is going to order. BTDT.

are you exDH or exDW?

I thought it was pretty clear, but I am the exDW. DH had an affair, and I was essentially a single mom for 10 months. When we went to court, that was evident, despite his involvement with our daughters prior to the affair. Affairs screw up families, plain and simple.

That was your case but it's not representative of what happens with affairs. If you wanted to, you can have maintained 50-50 split but you chose not to - that's on you.

My exDW cheated on me and left me for AP. I was essentially a single dad of 2 young kids for several months but I never thought that it was a permanent solution. Kids need their parents, 50-50 (or as close as possible). Period. Being a single parent for x months is irrelevant to the issue. What your wishes for your kid is what matters.

Why on earth would I want to give up time with my children to an irresponsible person who time and again put his own needs above everyone else's? He showed his true colors during his affair, and that included being an unreliable caregiver to our children. It's not complicated. And btw, he sees them plenty, just not 50-50.

[Anonymous]

OP - only you know what the fault grounds were. If the fault grounds are wholly false, then shed this dip of an attorney and find the meanest pit bull of a lawyer and fight it.

I think you should seriously consider a new attorney anyway, because this one doesn't seem to have advised or represented you well.

Can you tap family or friends for resources?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why?

Too much to recap but I came on here to ask for help about what to do back when we were both living in the same house.
Here's the backstory:
https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/728320.page

Yikes. Your DW is a lunatic and is damaging your DD. Very sad. Is your DD reasonable well balanced or is she inheriting bad traits from the horrible behavior of your DW? If she's a well balanced kid, keep up whatever you're doing b/c she's going to need it.

Unless the divorce is due to abuse by OP. OP is refusing to discuss the fault-based grounds for a reason.

The fault grounds shouldn’t matter when it comes to custody, so they’re not really relevant. However, what they are relevant to is why there was no signed separation agreement and/or negotiation BEFORE a pendente lite hearing. It should have never gotten to that point. Since it did, I’m afraid OP is in for a long long road ahead of him with his ex.

Abuse toward the wife isn't technically relevant to a custody determination, but if the child witnessed the abuse and/or OP has behaved in questionable manner toward the child, that can be grounds for a judge limiting his access to the child. Especially if the child has expressed a preference not to spend time with her father.

OP isn’t saying purposely, but if you read between the lines it is pretty clearly adultery.

Correct but it still doesn't warrant the punitive nature of the divorce settlement.

If OP neglected his daughter even once during his affair, STBXW had to pick up the slack. And I'm guessing she picked up A LOT of the slack, since people in affair's generally disregard their home life responsibilities. So if that was the "new norm" for their DD, that's what the judge is going to order. BTDT.

are you exDH or exDW?

I thought it was pretty clear, but I am the exDW. DH had an affair, and I was essentially a single mom for 10 months. When we went to court, that was evident, despite his involvement with our daughters prior to the affair. Affairs screw up families, plain and simple.

That was your case but it's not representative of what happens with affairs. If you wanted to, you can have maintained 50-50 split but you chose not to - that's on you.

My exDW cheated on me and left me for AP. I was essentially a single dad of 2 young kids for several months but I never thought that it was a permanent solution. Kids need their parents, 50-50 (or as close as possible). Period. Being a single parent for x months is irrelevant to the issue. What your wishes for your kid is what matters.

Why on earth would I want to give up time with my children to an irresponsible person who time and again put his own needs above everyone else's? He showed his true colors during his affair, and that included being an unreliable caregiver to our children. It's not complicated. And btw, he sees them plenty, just not 50-50.

I'm not justifying a cheater.

Why put your interests over the interests of your child? You think your child is best served to be in a 80-20/90-10 household? I think not.

Lastly, a a couple hours during the week and a few hours here and there on a weekend is plenty? Good grief. Don't let your bitterness and anger take away from your DC's emotional development.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why?

Too much to recap but I came on here to ask for help about what to do back when we were both living in the same house.
Here's the backstory:
https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/728320.page

Yikes. Your DW is a lunatic and is damaging your DD. Very sad. Is your DD reasonable well balanced or is she inheriting bad traits from the horrible behavior of your DW? If she's a well balanced kid, keep up whatever you're doing b/c she's going to need it.

Unless the divorce is due to abuse by OP. OP is refusing to discuss the fault-based grounds for a reason.

The fault grounds shouldn’t matter when it comes to custody, so they’re not really relevant. However, what they are relevant to is why there was no signed separation agreement and/or negotiation BEFORE a pendente lite hearing. It should have never gotten to that point. Since it did, I’m afraid OP is in for a long long road ahead of him with his ex.

Abuse toward the wife isn't technically relevant to a custody determination, but if the child witnessed the abuse and/or OP has behaved in questionable manner toward the child, that can be grounds for a judge limiting his access to the child. Especially if the child has expressed a preference not to spend time with her father.

OP isn’t saying purposely, but if you read between the lines it is pretty clearly adultery.

Correct but it still doesn't warrant the punitive nature of the divorce settlement.

If OP neglected his daughter even once during his affair, STBXW had to pick up the slack. And I'm guessing she picked up A LOT of the slack, since people in affair's generally disregard their home life responsibilities. So if that was the "new norm" for their DD, that's what the judge is going to order. BTDT.

are you exDH or exDW?

I thought it was pretty clear, but I am the exDW. DH had an affair, and I was essentially a single mom for 10 months. When we went to court, that was evident, despite his involvement with our daughters prior to the affair. Affairs screw up families, plain and simple.

That was your case but it's not representative of what happens with affairs. If you wanted to, you can have maintained 50-50 split but you chose not to - that's on you.

My exDW cheated on me and left me for AP. I was essentially a single dad of 2 young kids for several months but I never thought that it was a permanent solution. Kids need their parents, 50-50 (or as close as possible). Period. Being a single parent for x months is irrelevant to the issue. What your wishes for your kid is what matters.

Why on earth would I want to give up time with my children to an irresponsible person who time and again put his own needs above everyone else's? He showed his true colors during his affair, and that included being an unreliable caregiver to our children. It's not complicated. And btw, he sees them plenty, just not 50-50.

You don't do it because you want to do it, you do it because its the right thing to do for your children.

- child of divorce who has a close adult relationship with her father who her mother hated and tried to alienate her from.

My relationship with my mom is fine but not great. In large part because she took out her bitterness towards my father on me for basically my entire pre teen and teen years. Be careful PP, you might lose sight of the forest for the trees.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why?

Too much to recap but I came on here to ask for help about what to do back when we were both living in the same house.
Here's the backstory:
https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/728320.page

Yikes. Your DW is a lunatic and is damaging your DD. Very sad. Is your DD reasonable well balanced or is she inheriting bad traits from the horrible behavior of your DW? If she's a well balanced kid, keep up whatever you're doing b/c she's going to need it.

Unless the divorce is due to abuse by OP. OP is refusing to discuss the fault-based grounds for a reason.

The fault grounds shouldn’t matter when it comes to custody, so they’re not really relevant. However, what they are relevant to is why there was no signed separation agreement and/or negotiation BEFORE a pendente lite hearing. It should have never gotten to that point. Since it did, I’m afraid OP is in for a long long road ahead of him with his ex.

Abuse toward the wife isn't technically relevant to a custody determination, but if the child witnessed the abuse and/or OP has behaved in questionable manner toward the child, that can be grounds for a judge limiting his access to the child. Especially if the child has expressed a preference not to spend time with her father.

OP isn’t saying purposely, but if you read between the lines it is pretty clearly adultery.

Correct but it still doesn't warrant the punitive nature of the divorce settlement.

If OP neglected his daughter even once during his affair, STBXW had to pick up the slack. And I'm guessing she picked up A LOT of the slack, since people in affair's generally disregard their home life responsibilities. So if that was the "new norm" for their DD, that's what the judge is going to order. BTDT.

are you exDH or exDW?

I thought it was pretty clear, but I am the exDW. DH had an affair, and I was essentially a single mom for 10 months. When we went to court, that was evident, despite his involvement with our daughters prior to the affair. Affairs screw up families, plain and simple.

That was your case but it's not representative of what happens with affairs. If you wanted to, you can have maintained 50-50 split but you chose not to - that's on you.

My exDW cheated on me and left me for AP. I was essentially a single dad of 2 young kids for several months but I never thought that it was a permanent solution. Kids need their parents, 50-50 (or as close as possible). Period. Being a single parent for x months is irrelevant to the issue. What your wishes for your kid is what matters.

Why on earth would I want to give up time with my children to an irresponsible person who time and again put his own needs above everyone else's? He showed his true colors during his affair, and that included being an unreliable caregiver to our children. It's not complicated. And btw, he sees them plenty, just not 50-50.

Plenty for who? For you yes, for the kids, probably not. Visiting for a few hours and parenting for days at a time are very different relationships. If everyone should be denied custody who has an affair why are moms who had the affairs getting full custody?

You may think you are doing the right thing now but having been there done that, you aren't. Kids need both parents. My husband's ex restricted time the early years and then stopped it all together and all the kids are pretty screwed up between how she raised them/the family situation with her boyfriend (the AP). All left the house young, one refuses to get married not to repeat her parents mistakes (which was really mom's mistake) and now want a relationship with Dad but its all superficial as he doesn't trust the kids as they play too many games like their mom so he keeps them at a distance. The life long consequences for cutting a parent out and turning your kids against the other parent are far greater than you realize.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why?

Too much to recap but I came on here to ask for help about what to do back when we were both living in the same house.
Here's the backstory:
https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/728320.page

Yikes. Your DW is a lunatic and is damaging your DD. Very sad. Is your DD reasonable well balanced or is she inheriting bad traits from the horrible behavior of your DW? If she's a well balanced kid, keep up whatever you're doing b/c she's going to need it.

Unless the divorce is due to abuse by OP. OP is refusing to discuss the fault-based grounds for a reason.

The fault grounds shouldn’t matter when it comes to custody, so they’re not really relevant. However, what they are relevant to is why there was no signed separation agreement and/or negotiation BEFORE a pendente lite hearing. It should have never gotten to that point. Since it did, I’m afraid OP is in for a long long road ahead of him with his ex.

Abuse toward the wife isn't technically relevant to a custody determination, but if the child witnessed the abuse and/or OP has behaved in questionable manner toward the child, that can be grounds for a judge limiting his access to the child. Especially if the child has expressed a preference not to spend time with her father.

OP isn’t saying purposely, but if you read between the lines it is pretty clearly adultery.

Correct but it still doesn't warrant the punitive nature of the divorce settlement.

If OP neglected his daughter even once during his affair, STBXW had to pick up the slack. And I'm guessing she picked up A LOT of the slack, since people in affair's generally disregard their home life responsibilities. So if that was the "new norm" for their DD, that's what the judge is going to order. BTDT.

are you exDH or exDW?

I thought it was pretty clear, but I am the exDW. DH had an affair, and I was essentially a single mom for 10 months. When we went to court, that was evident, despite his involvement with our daughters prior to the affair. Affairs screw up families, plain and simple.

That was your case but it's not representative of what happens with affairs. If you wanted to, you can have maintained 50-50 split but you chose not to - that's on you.

My exDW cheated on me and left me for AP. I was essentially a single dad of 2 young kids for several months but I never thought that it was a permanent solution. Kids need their parents, 50-50 (or as close as possible). Period. Being a single parent for x months is irrelevant to the issue. What your wishes for your kid is what matters.

Why on earth would I want to give up time with my children to an irresponsible person who time and again put his own needs above everyone else's? He showed his true colors during his affair, and that included being an unreliable caregiver to our children. It's not complicated. And btw, he sees them plenty, just not 50-50.

Plenty for who? For you yes, for the kids, probably not. Visiting for a few hours and parenting for days at a time are very different relationships. If everyone should be denied custody who has an affair why are moms who had the affairs getting full custody?

You may think you are doing the right thing now but having been there done that, you aren't. Kids need both parents. My husband's ex restricted time the early years and then stopped it all together and all the kids are pretty screwed up between how she raised them/the family situation with her boyfriend (the AP). All left the house young, one refuses to get married not to repeat her parents mistakes (which was really mom's mistake) and now want a relationship with Dad but its all superficial as he doesn't trust the kids as they play too many games like their mom so he keeps them at a distance. The life long consequences for cutting a parent out and turning your kids against the other parent are far greater than you realize.

PP here - all of you piling onto me about my custody arrangement: You have zero idea what our agreement is. I just said not 50-50. And guess what? ExDH never fought the proposed split, so there you go.

[Anonymous]

Ask anyone who practices in divorce court how often so-called involved dads get really un-involved after the dust settles and a new girlfriend enters the picture. It's a lot. The smart ones are like pp's ex and don't even put up the pretense of fighting for more.

[Anonymous]

The divorced men I know that got 10% or 20% had untreated disorders that would technically endanger children if no other adult was around. In one case it was severe ADHD.

Anything like that going on here?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The divorced men I know that got 10% or 20% had untreated disorders that would technically endanger children if no other adult was around. In one case it was severe ADHD.

Anything like that going on here?

Per DCUM wives 100% of men have severe ADHD. I wasn't actually aware that ADHD killed kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why?

Too much to recap but I came on here to ask for help about what to do back when we were both living in the same house.
Here's the backstory:
https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/728320.page

Yikes. Your DW is a lunatic and is damaging your DD. Very sad. Is your DD reasonable well balanced or is she inheriting bad traits from the horrible behavior of your DW? If she's a well balanced kid, keep up whatever you're doing b/c she's going to need it.

Unless the divorce is due to abuse by OP. OP is refusing to discuss the fault-based grounds for a reason.

The fault grounds shouldn’t matter when it comes to custody, so they’re not really relevant. However, what they are relevant to is why there was no signed separation agreement and/or negotiation BEFORE a pendente lite hearing. It should have never gotten to that point. Since it did, I’m afraid OP is in for a long long road ahead of him with his ex.

Abuse toward the wife isn't technically relevant to a custody determination, but if the child witnessed the abuse and/or OP has behaved in questionable manner toward the child, that can be grounds for a judge limiting his access to the child. Especially if the child has expressed a preference not to spend time with her father.

OP isn’t saying purposely, but if you read between the lines it is pretty clearly adultery.

Correct but it still doesn't warrant the punitive nature of the divorce settlement.

If OP neglected his daughter even once during his affair, STBXW had to pick up the slack. And I'm guessing she picked up A LOT of the slack, since people in affair's generally disregard their home life responsibilities. So if that was the "new norm" for their DD, that's what the judge is going to order. BTDT.

are you exDH or exDW?

I thought it was pretty clear, but I am the exDW. DH had an affair, and I was essentially a single mom for 10 months. When we went to court, that was evident, despite his involvement with our daughters prior to the affair. Affairs screw up families, plain and simple.

That was your case but it's not representative of what happens with affairs. If you wanted to, you can have maintained 50-50 split but you chose not to - that's on you.

My exDW cheated on me and left me for AP. I was essentially a single dad of 2 young kids for several months but I never thought that it was a permanent solution. Kids need their parents, 50-50 (or as close as possible). Period. Being a single parent for x months is irrelevant to the issue. What your wishes for your kid is what matters.

Why on earth would I want to give up time with my children to an irresponsible person who time and again put his own needs above everyone else's? He showed his true colors during his affair, and that included being an unreliable caregiver to our children. It's not complicated. And btw, he sees them plenty, just not 50-50.

Plenty for who? For you yes, for the kids, probably not. Visiting for a few hours and parenting for days at a time are very different relationships. If everyone should be denied custody who has an affair why are moms who had the affairs getting full custody?

You may think you are doing the right thing now but having been there done that, you aren't. Kids need both parents. My husband's ex restricted time the early years and then stopped it all together and all the kids are pretty screwed up between how she raised them/the family situation with her boyfriend (the AP). All left the house young, one refuses to get married not to repeat her parents mistakes (which was really mom's mistake) and now want a relationship with Dad but its all superficial as he doesn't trust the kids as they play too many games like their mom so he keeps them at a distance. The life long consequences for cutting a parent out and turning your kids against the other parent are far greater than you realize.

PP here - all of you piling onto me about my custody arrangement: You have zero idea what our agreement is. I just said not 50-50. And guess what? ExDH never fought the proposed split, so there you go.

Irrelevant and you’re completely missing the point. The point is that a 50-50 arrangement is best FOR THE CHILD. Putting your or your ex’s selfish interests aside, that’s the ideal scenario. Anything significantly different than that will have long term impacts on the child. It goes without saying that this is assuming there are no issues like neglect, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why?

Too much to recap but I came on here to ask for help about what to do back when we were both living in the same house.
Here's the backstory:
https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/728320.page

Yikes. Your DW is a lunatic and is damaging your DD. Very sad. Is your DD reasonable well balanced or is she inheriting bad traits from the horrible behavior of your DW? If she's a well balanced kid, keep up whatever you're doing b/c she's going to need it.

Unless the divorce is due to abuse by OP. OP is refusing to discuss the fault-based grounds for a reason.

The fault grounds shouldn’t matter when it comes to custody, so they’re not really relevant. However, what they are relevant to is why there was no signed separation agreement and/or negotiation BEFORE a pendente lite hearing. It should have never gotten to that point. Since it did, I’m afraid OP is in for a long long road ahead of him with his ex.

Abuse toward the wife isn't technically relevant to a custody determination, but if the child witnessed the abuse and/or OP has behaved in questionable manner toward the child, that can be grounds for a judge limiting his access to the child. Especially if the child has expressed a preference not to spend time with her father.

OP isn’t saying purposely, but if you read between the lines it is pretty clearly adultery.

Correct but it still doesn't warrant the punitive nature of the divorce settlement.

If OP neglected his daughter even once during his affair, STBXW had to pick up the slack. And I'm guessing she picked up A LOT of the slack, since people in affair's generally disregard their home life responsibilities. So if that was the "new norm" for their DD, that's what the judge is going to order. BTDT.

are you exDH or exDW?

I thought it was pretty clear, but I am the exDW. DH had an affair, and I was essentially a single mom for 10 months. When we went to court, that was evident, despite his involvement with our daughters prior to the affair. Affairs screw up families, plain and simple.

That was your case but it's not representative of what happens with affairs. If you wanted to, you can have maintained 50-50 split but you chose not to - that's on you.

My exDW cheated on me and left me for AP. I was essentially a single dad of 2 young kids for several months but I never thought that it was a permanent solution. Kids need their parents, 50-50 (or as close as possible). Period. Being a single parent for x months is irrelevant to the issue. What your wishes for your kid is what matters.

Why on earth would I want to give up time with my children to an irresponsible person who time and again put his own needs above everyone else's? He showed his true colors during his affair, and that included being an unreliable caregiver to our children. It's not complicated. And btw, he sees them plenty, just not 50-50.

Plenty for who? For you yes, for the kids, probably not. Visiting for a few hours and parenting for days at a time are very different relationships. If everyone should be denied custody who has an affair why are moms who had the affairs getting full custody?

You may think you are doing the right thing now but having been there done that, you aren't. Kids need both parents. My husband's ex restricted time the early years and then stopped it all together and all the kids are pretty screwed up between how she raised them/the family situation with her boyfriend (the AP). All left the house young, one refuses to get married not to repeat her parents mistakes (which was really mom's mistake) and now want a relationship with Dad but its all superficial as he doesn't trust the kids as they play too many games like their mom so he keeps them at a distance. The life long consequences for cutting a parent out and turning your kids against the other parent are far greater than you realize.

PP here - all of you piling onto me about my custody arrangement: You have zero idea what our agreement is. I just said not 50-50. And guess what? ExDH never fought the proposed split, so there you go.

Irrelevant and you’re completely missing the point. The point is that a 50-50 arrangement is best FOR THE CHILD. Putting your or your ex’s selfish interests aside, that’s the ideal scenario. Anything significantly different than that will have long term impacts on the child. It goes without saying that this is assuming there are no issues like neglect, etc.

50-50 is best when both parents are engaged, responsible parents, they live in reasonably close proximity, etc. That is not always the case, though, and then something other than 50-50 may be more appropriate.

[Anonymous]

TLDR: The daughter is going to hate the mom.

Like it or not, girls and their fathers have very special relationships. Trying to mute that through vengeful custody agreements is going to blow up in your face.

Source: daughter of a woman who left my dad for another man and then spent years trying to brainwash me into thinking he was at fault for breaking the family.

I haven't spoken with her in 7 years and I didn't invite her to my wedding. And yes, my dad walked me down the aisle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why?

Too much to recap but I came on here to ask for help about what to do back when we were both living in the same house.
Here's the backstory:
https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/728320.page

Yikes. Your DW is a lunatic and is damaging your DD. Very sad. Is your DD reasonable well balanced or is she inheriting bad traits from the horrible behavior of your DW? If she's a well balanced kid, keep up whatever you're doing b/c she's going to need it.

Unless the divorce is due to abuse by OP. OP is refusing to discuss the fault-based grounds for a reason.

The fault grounds shouldn’t matter when it comes to custody, so they’re not really relevant. However, what they are relevant to is why there was no signed separation agreement and/or negotiation BEFORE a pendente lite hearing. It should have never gotten to that point. Since it did, I’m afraid OP is in for a long long road ahead of him with his ex.

Abuse toward the wife isn't technically relevant to a custody determination, but if the child witnessed the abuse and/or OP has behaved in questionable manner toward the child, that can be grounds for a judge limiting his access to the child. Especially if the child has expressed a preference not to spend time with her father.

OP isn’t saying purposely, but if you read between the lines it is pretty clearly adultery.

Correct but it still doesn't warrant the punitive nature of the divorce settlement.

If OP neglected his daughter even once during his affair, STBXW had to pick up the slack. And I'm guessing she picked up A LOT of the slack, since people in affair's generally disregard their home life responsibilities. So if that was the "new norm" for their DD, that's what the judge is going to order. BTDT.

are you exDH or exDW?

I thought it was pretty clear, but I am the exDW. DH had an affair, and I was essentially a single mom for 10 months. When we went to court, that was evident, despite his involvement with our daughters prior to the affair. Affairs screw up families, plain and simple.

That was your case but it's not representative of what happens with affairs. If you wanted to, you can have maintained 50-50 split but you chose not to - that's on you.

My exDW cheated on me and left me for AP. I was essentially a single dad of 2 young kids for several months but I never thought that it was a permanent solution. Kids need their parents, 50-50 (or as close as possible). Period. Being a single parent for x months is irrelevant to the issue. What your wishes for your kid is what matters.

Why on earth would I want to give up time with my children to an irresponsible person who time and again put his own needs above everyone else's? He showed his true colors during his affair, and that included being an unreliable caregiver to our children. It's not complicated. And btw, he sees them plenty, just not 50-50.

Plenty for who? For you yes, for the kids, probably not. Visiting for a few hours and parenting for days at a time are very different relationships. If everyone should be denied custody who has an affair why are moms who had the affairs getting full custody?

You may think you are doing the right thing now but having been there done that, you aren't. Kids need both parents. My husband's ex restricted time the early years and then stopped it all together and all the kids are pretty screwed up between how she raised them/the family situation with her boyfriend (the AP). All left the house young, one refuses to get married not to repeat her parents mistakes (which was really mom's mistake) and now want a relationship with Dad but its all superficial as he doesn't trust the kids as they play too many games like their mom so he keeps them at a distance. The life long consequences for cutting a parent out and turning your kids against the other parent are far greater than you realize.

PP here - all of you piling onto me about my custody arrangement: You have zero idea what our agreement is. I just said not 50-50. And guess what? ExDH never fought the proposed split, so there you go.

Irrelevant and you’re completely missing the point. The point is that a 50-50 arrangement is best FOR THE CHILD. Putting your or your ex’s selfish interests aside, that’s the ideal scenario. Anything significantly different than that will have long term impacts on the child. It goes without saying that this is assuming there are no issues like neglect, etc.

50-50 is best when both parents are engaged, responsible parents, they live in reasonably close proximity, etc. That is not always the case, though, and then something other than 50-50 may be more appropriate.

That goes without saying, hence the qualifiers. Naturally, if parents are in different cities or one is completely neglectful/incapable of parenting, then sure, 50-50 does not make sense. If they are in the same city and both are capable parents then 50-50 should be the norm.

[Anonymous]

I think a lot of folks want to believe that whatever custody split worked for their own personal family is actually what "should" happen or what is absolutely "best for the kids."

My ex signed over custody before he even left. Was I meant to beg him for 50-50 even though he said he didn't want it? Would it have been best for my child to push a custody situation that his father didn't want?

In the years that have followed, it turns out my ex was right. He wasn't a fit parent, and knowing that might have been the most self-aware thing he ever did.