Custody Issue - Pendente Lite VS. Divorce Decree - Help!

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Why?

Too much to recap but I came on here to ask for help about what to do back when we were both living in the same house.
Here's the backstory:
https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/728320.page

Yikes. Your DW is a lunatic and is damaging your DD. Very sad. Is your DD reasonable well balanced or is she inheriting bad traits from the horrible behavior of your DW? If she's a well balanced kid, keep up whatever you're doing b/c she's going to need it.

Unless the divorce is due to abuse by OP. OP is refusing to discuss the fault-based grounds for a reason.

The fault grounds shouldn’t matter when it comes to custody, so they’re not really relevant. However, what they are relevant to is why there was no signed separation agreement and/or negotiation BEFORE a pendente lite hearing. It should have never gotten to that point. Since it did, I’m afraid OP is in for a long long road ahead of him with his ex.

Abuse toward the wife isn't technically relevant to a custody determination, but if the child witnessed the abuse and/or OP has behaved in questionable manner toward the child, that can be grounds for a judge limiting his access to the child. Especially if the child has expressed a preference not to spend time with her father.

OP isn’t saying purposely, but if you read between the lines it is pretty clearly adultery.

Correct but it still doesn't warrant the punitive nature of the divorce settlement.

If OP neglected his daughter even once during his affair, STBXW had to pick up the slack. And I'm guessing she picked up A LOT of the slack, since people in affair's generally disregard their home life responsibilities. So if that was the "new norm" for their DD, that's what the judge is going to order. BTDT.

are you exDH or exDW?

I thought it was pretty clear, but I am the exDW. DH had an affair, and I was essentially a single mom for 10 months. When we went to court, that was evident, despite his involvement with our daughters prior to the affair. Affairs screw up families, plain and simple.

That was your case but it's not representative of what happens with affairs. If you wanted to, you can have maintained 50-50 split but you chose not to - that's on you.

My exDW cheated on me and left me for AP. I was essentially a single dad of 2 young kids for several months but I never thought that it was a permanent solution. Kids need their parents, 50-50 (or as close as possible). Period. Being a single parent for x months is irrelevant to the issue. What your wishes for your kid is what matters.

Why on earth would I want to give up time with my children to an irresponsible person who time and again put his own needs above everyone else's? He showed his true colors during his affair, and that included being an unreliable caregiver to our children. It's not complicated. And btw, he sees them plenty, just not 50-50.

Plenty for who? For you yes, for the kids, probably not. Visiting for a few hours and parenting for days at a time are very different relationships. If everyone should be denied custody who has an affair why are moms who had the affairs getting full custody?

You may think you are doing the right thing now but having been there done that, you aren't. Kids need both parents. My husband's ex restricted time the early years and then stopped it all together and all the kids are pretty screwed up between how she raised them/the family situation with her boyfriend (the AP). All left the house young, one refuses to get married not to repeat her parents mistakes (which was really mom's mistake) and now want a relationship with Dad but its all superficial as he doesn't trust the kids as they play too many games like their mom so he keeps them at a distance. The life long consequences for cutting a parent out and turning your kids against the other parent are far greater than you realize.

PP here - all of you piling onto me about my custody arrangement: You have zero idea what our agreement is. I just said not 50-50. And guess what? ExDH never fought the proposed split, so there you go.

Not really piling on your agreement so much as your attitude.

-Child of divorce poster

[Anonymous]

Daddy didn’t parent 50/50 when they were married so hows he’s going to suddenly do it now? Make mommy do 90% of the work and just who up to play on his days? Riiight.

Your time to parent, teach and raise your children well have past. You failed. If you were so involved and influential to your kids it would be very provable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Daddy didn’t parent 50/50 when they were married so hows he’s going to suddenly do it now? Make mommy do 90% of the work and just who up to play on his days? Riiight.

Your time to parent, teach and raise your children well have past. You failed. If you were so involved and influential to your kids it would be very provable.

Well, as always, it depends. Was Mommy a completely over-controlling parent that did not like the way daddy did things or was daddy a total incompetent buffoon. If the latter, yeah, I can understand not giving 50-50. But if it's the former, time for mommy to let go. And you know what? I bet you that for MOST folks, having a 50-50 split actually HELPS you become a better parent because you don't have the overbearing/controlling other parent looking over your shoulder disapprovingly.

[Anonymous]

Option 1 is often the self-serving story that slacker/loser Dads tell themselves and the judge come divorce time when they realize that their inaction has consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Daddy didn’t parent 50/50 when they were married so hows he’s going to suddenly do it now? Make mommy do 90% of the work and just who up to play on his days? Riiight.

Your time to parent, teach and raise your children well have past. You failed. If you were so involved and influential to your kids it would be very provable.

Well, as always, it depends. Was Mommy a completely over-controlling parent that did not like the way daddy did things or was daddy a total incompetent buffoon. If the latter, yeah, I can understand not giving 50-50. But if it's the former, time for mommy to let go. And you know what? I bet you that for MOST folks, having a 50-50 split actually HELPS you become a better parent because you don't have the overbearing/controlling other parent looking over your shoulder disapprovingly.

Isn’t that funny how some slackers don’t step up until they are the only adult in the house? Pathetic. Get some respect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Daddy didn’t parent 50/50 when they were married so hows he’s going to suddenly do it now? Make mommy do 90% of the work and just who up to play on his days? Riiight.

Your time to parent, teach and raise your children well have past. You failed. If you were so involved and influential to your kids it would be very provable.

Well, as always, it depends. Was Mommy a completely over-controlling parent that did not like the way daddy did things or was daddy a total incompetent buffoon. If the latter, yeah, I can understand not giving 50-50. But if it's the former, time for mommy to let go. And you know what? I bet you that for MOST folks, having a 50-50 split actually HELPS you become a better parent because you don't have the overbearing/controlling other parent looking over your shoulder disapprovingly.

Isn’t that funny how some slackers don’t step up until they are the only adult in the house? Pathetic. Get some respect.

You see it that way, I see it as the "slacker" finally getting a chance to breathe without the overbearing parent breathing down said person's neck at every corner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of folks want to believe that whatever custody split worked for their own personal family is actually what "should" happen or what is absolutely "best for the kids."

My ex signed over custody before he even left. Was I meant to beg him for 50-50 even though he said he didn't want it? Would it have been best for my child to push a custody situation that his father didn't want?

In the years that have followed, it turns out my ex was right. He wasn't a fit parent, and knowing that might have been the most self-aware thing he ever did.

I'm sorry for you and your children. Many of these posters don't seem to understand that 50-50 is NOT always in the best interest of the children. And newsflash, kids understand when a parent doesn't want to be spending time with them. Sad, but true.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP, your ex must have submitted a brief in support of those requests, what were her arguments in favor of the visitation arrangement?

DW said that DD is having a hard time with the adjustment and that spending nights at my house mid week would be disruptive to DD's schedule.

Then it sounds like your focus should be on your daughter's well being and helping her adjust. Is your daughter in any kind of counseling, individual or family?

The more likely scenario is that DW is creating a make believe narrative so support her having full custody. Even if DD is having issues adjusting (any child would), asking for full custody will actually give DD MORE ISSUES adjusting. I can't understand how some mothers don't see this.

I think if OP's daughter is aware that her family is breaking up because dad couldn't keep his dick in his pants, it would be surprising if she *didn't* feel some anger and resentment toward him.

You should get help and focus on healing.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:You're a cheater. Deal with it. When you chose to cheat, you chose to jeapordize your family and your ties to them--and that includes your daughter.

THIS. Stoping thinking with your dick. Oh, wait, too late.

Get help. This is not about your you. Heal.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP, your ex must have submitted a brief in support of those requests, what were her arguments in favor of the visitation arrangement?

DW said that DD is having a hard time with the adjustment and that spending nights at my house mid week would be disruptive to DD's schedule.

Then it sounds like your focus should be on your daughter's well being and helping her adjust. Is your daughter in any kind of counseling, individual or family?

The more likely scenario is that DW is creating a make believe narrative so support her having full custody. Even if DD is having issues adjusting (any child would), asking for full custody will actually give DD MORE ISSUES adjusting. I can't understand how some mothers don't see this.

I think if OP's daughter is aware that her family is breaking up because dad couldn't keep his dick in his pants, it would be surprising if she *didn't* feel some anger and resentment toward him.

You should get help and focus on healing.

Yep, the anger/resentment is uncontrollable with some.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm a divorced father with a vindictive ex who tried a scorched earth approach during a custody modification. She was caught lying in court and submitting a false affidavit and even admitted on the sand to it lying. There was evidence the judge stated showed she had violated the custody agreement. The judge even stated that she had misused child support funds in violation of a previous court order.

The judge however openly stated that he was NOT going to issue any finding or judgements against the ex wife for lying to the court, violating the custody order, or miss using child support funds. Bottom line is that judges do not want to be seen punishing women. Further, there is an underlying prejudice that women are better parents although that is untrue. They say that the tender years doctrine is no longer informing the courts but that is simply not true.

As for the child support, I'm sure it is based on a formula according to the approximate 75%/25% parenting time split resulting from the court's order that you only get to see your child every other weekend (I.e., 1,3, 5th weekends). The bottom line is that court has turned children into a commodity.

Her income is irrelevant to the calculation of what the non-custodial parent pays in child support. In effect you are paying your ex wife to babysit your child for the 25% difference between the 50/50 split you want and the 25% you got.

The real kicker is that given your ex's level of hate towards you she will 100% work toward alienating your child from you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm a divorced father with a vindictive ex who tried a scorched earth approach during a custody modification. She was caught lying in court and submitting a false affidavit and even admitted on the sand to it lying. There was evidence the judge stated showed she had violated the custody agreement. The judge even stated that she had misused child support funds in violation of a previous court order.

The judge however openly stated that he was NOT going to issue any finding or judgements against the ex wife for lying to the court, violating the custody order, or miss using child support funds. Bottom line is that judges do not want to be seen punishing women. Further, there is an underlying prejudice that women are better parents although that is untrue. They say that the tender years doctrine is no longer informing the courts but that is simply not true.

As for the child support, I'm sure it is based on a formula according to the approximate 75%/25% parenting time split resulting from the court's order that you only get to see your child every other weekend (I.e., 1,3, 5th weekends). The bottom line is that court has turned children into a commodity.

Her income is irrelevant to the calculation of what the non-custodial parent pays in child support. In effect you are paying your ex wife to babysit your child for the 25% difference between the 50/50 split you want and the 25% you got.

The real kicker is that given your ex's level of hate towards you she will 100% work toward alienating your child from you.

My husband's experience too. There are consequences for not paying chid support but none for misusing them/no accountability and no consequences for denying visitation, phone calls, etc. Its very one sided.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of folks want to believe that whatever custody split worked for their own personal family is actually what "should" happen or what is absolutely "best for the kids."

My ex signed over custody before he even left. Was I meant to beg him for 50-50 even though he said he didn't want it? Would it have been best for my child to push a custody situation that his father didn't want?

In the years that have followed, it turns out my ex was right. He wasn't a fit parent, and knowing that might have been the most self-aware thing he ever did.

I'm sorry for you and your children. Many of these posters don't seem to understand that 50-50 is NOT always in the best interest of the children. And newsflash, kids understand when a parent doesn't want to be spending time with them. Sad, but true.

Most parents do want to spend time with their kids. Your statement is not true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Daddy didn’t parent 50/50 when they were married so hows he’s going to suddenly do it now? Make mommy do 90% of the work and just who up to play on his days? Riiight.

Your time to parent, teach and raise your children well have past. You failed. If you were so involved and influential to your kids it would be very provable.

Well, as always, it depends. Was Mommy a completely over-controlling parent that did not like the way daddy did things or was daddy a total incompetent buffoon. If the latter, yeah, I can understand not giving 50-50. But if it's the former, time for mommy to let go. And you know what? I bet you that for MOST folks, having a 50-50 split actually HELPS you become a better parent because you don't have the overbearing/controlling other parent looking over your shoulder disapprovingly.

Isn’t that funny how some slackers don’t step up until they are the only adult in the house? Pathetic. Get some respect.

Mom wants dad to earn lots of money and stay home or work part time - look at PP comments. So, then she claims Dad doesn't want to be involved or do his half but in order for him to make the income she wants to keep her lifestyle he has to work that many hours and not be involved with the kids. So, sometimes Dad's cannot win.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of folks want to believe that whatever custody split worked for their own personal family is actually what "should" happen or what is absolutely "best for the kids."

My ex signed over custody before he even left. Was I meant to beg him for 50-50 even though he said he didn't want it? Would it have been best for my child to push a custody situation that his father didn't want?

In the years that have followed, it turns out my ex was right. He wasn't a fit parent, and knowing that might have been the most self-aware thing he ever did.

I'm sorry for you and your children. Many of these posters don't seem to understand that 50-50 is NOT always in the best interest of the children. And newsflash, kids understand when a parent doesn't want to be spending time with them. Sad, but true.

Most parents do want to spend time with their kids. Your statement is not true.

Who said most parents don't? You read way too much into my statement.