Custody Issue - Pendente Lite VS. Divorce Decree - Help!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:/\ I'm a female married PP BTW. My husband rises to the expectations set for him. I don't bail him out and therefore he takes them seriously. He's a grown up, I'm a grown up, and when I feel myself getting irritated at him for something like what you've all described. I tell him about it and we reshuffle something and I mentally let something go. Being happy is more important than any load of laundry, milk gallon left on the counter or birthday present unshopped for.

The bolded part is key, and not every spouse will do that. For some people, no matter how they address it, their spouse will always be a freeloader. The process of coming to recognize that, accept it and decide what to do about it for yourself can be a long and painful one. Telling someone who's in the middle of it that it wouldn't be an issue if they just didn't get upset isn't helpful because their spouse isn't your spouse and doesn't respond the same way.

I don't believe that every spouse is in that bucket. Some are, they should get divorced. But I also know people that lose their minds over how their spouse folds sheets. And those people are as responsible for their marital problems as the lazy spouse.

This is evident early in a marriage. People do not become lazy after 10 years of marriage with NO signs beforehand unless there is a mental or health issue.

It's a gradual change. Think death by a thousand cuts/nags. Those first 100 might be bearable but by the time the 1000th rolls around, you're kind of done with it all.

Marriage takes work. To the PP before you I would say, why didn't you have a conversation about the cup? Fight it out about the cup and then your expectations and limits are clear when you get to teething. My DH knew he was doing half the night wake ups when I got pregnant. It was an expectation. And then when I would wake up and he didn't and it was his turn I'd push him and make him get up. Everytime you 'just do it' in a marriage erodes the other party's adulthood and allows them to slowly transform into a teenager. Once you have a teenager, its hard to turn them back into an adult. And I'm not absolving guys who allow this to happen, they are just as culpable in the demise of the marriage. But it is literally impossible to come back from the brink unless both sides understand how they have contributed. And the infantilization of men is SO prevalent across SO many of my friend and relative's marriages.

It is in fact a common bonding moment with women complaining about their hilariously inept husbands. I have a friend say something like, 'ugh David barely even knows how old the kids are'. And everyone goes around with their stories and I say, 'Tom knows how old his kids are, if he didn't we'd have problems.' And they roll their eyes at me like I'm bragging or like I'm lucky or whatever. And I do consider myself lucky because I have an engaged husband. But it was not all luck. I made sure I didn't marry a David. And when my husband starts doing David-like things I call him on it and we have it out right then and there and so instead of having 10 years worth of bitterness built up around why he left his mug in the office, we are literally just discussing whatever it is that happened. That takes work, we work at it every day. I consciously let things go. If he ruins a sweater every once in awhile? Well he does all the laundry. So I'm not going to complain. Just like he doesn't complain if I make a crappy dinner one night. If he empties the dishwasher for me, I don't complain if he puts the colander in the wrong place. I let things go, he lets things go, but if anything begins to accumulate, we address it. And that doesn't happen magically, it happens intentionally.

You sound like a dick. I too am partnered to a "Tom," but when other moms start complaining about their partners I just stay quiet. No need to rub it in their faces. I bet you don't have a ton of friends....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:/\ I'm a female married PP BTW. My husband rises to the expectations set for him. I don't bail him out and therefore he takes them seriously. He's a grown up, I'm a grown up, and when I feel myself getting irritated at him for something like what you've all described. I tell him about it and we reshuffle something and I mentally let something go. Being happy is more important than any load of laundry, milk gallon left on the counter or birthday present unshopped for.

The bolded part is key, and not every spouse will do that. For some people, no matter how they address it, their spouse will always be a freeloader. The process of coming to recognize that, accept it and decide what to do about it for yourself can be a long and painful one. Telling someone who's in the middle of it that it wouldn't be an issue if they just didn't get upset isn't helpful because their spouse isn't your spouse and doesn't respond the same way.

I don't believe that every spouse is in that bucket. Some are, they should get divorced. But I also know people that lose their minds over how their spouse folds sheets. And those people are as responsible for their marital problems as the lazy spouse.

This is evident early in a marriage. People do not become lazy after 10 years of marriage with NO signs beforehand unless there is a mental or health issue.

It's a gradual change. Think death by a thousand cuts/nags. Those first 100 might be bearable but by the time the 1000th rolls around, you're kind of done with it all.

Marriage takes work. To the PP before you I would say, why didn't you have a conversation about the cup? Fight it out about the cup and then your expectations and limits are clear when you get to teething. My DH knew he was doing half the night wake ups when I got pregnant. It was an expectation. And then when I would wake up and he didn't and it was his turn I'd push him and make him get up. Everytime you 'just do it' in a marriage erodes the other party's adulthood and allows them to slowly transform into a teenager. Once you have a teenager, its hard to turn them back into an adult. And I'm not absolving guys who allow this to happen, they are just as culpable in the demise of the marriage. But it is literally impossible to come back from the brink unless both sides understand how they have contributed. And the infantilization of men is SO prevalent across SO many of my friend and relative's marriages.

It is in fact a common bonding moment with women complaining about their hilariously inept husbands. I have a friend say something like, 'ugh David barely even knows how old the kids are'. And everyone goes around with their stories and I say, 'Tom knows how old his kids are, if he didn't we'd have problems.' And they roll their eyes at me like I'm bragging or like I'm lucky or whatever. And I do consider myself lucky because I have an engaged husband. But it was not all luck. I made sure I didn't marry a David. And when my husband starts doing David-like things I call him on it and we have it out right then and there and so instead of having 10 years worth of bitterness built up around why he left his mug in the office, we are literally just discussing whatever it is that happened. That takes work, we work at it every day. I consciously let things go. If he ruins a sweater every once in awhile? Well he does all the laundry. So I'm not going to complain. Just like he doesn't complain if I make a crappy dinner one night. If he empties the dishwasher for me, I don't complain if he puts the colander in the wrong place. I let things go, he lets things go, but if anything begins to accumulate, we address it. And that doesn't happen magically, it happens intentionally.

You sound like a dick. I too am partnered to a "Tom," but when other moms start complaining about their partners I just stay quiet. No need to rub it in their faces. I bet you don't have a ton of friends....

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a dad, I simply refuse to believe there are dads out there (in the DC area) that don't do the practices, games, PTCs, field trips, camping trips etc.

I can't recall more than maybe one or two absent dads that weren't deployed. And I have 3 kids that are 14,13, and 9. What's that? Thirty six years of parenting.

This is as false narrative being pushed by angry women.

So my DH is at a lot of the events but I'm the one who researched the activities, signed kid up, figured out how we'd get him to practices, made sure he had clean clothes for practice packed when we left that morning, that his uniform is ready for games, was on top of when practice was rained out and how we would get him home those days, when games were and that we were at the field on time, when we were supposed to bring the snacks and that we bought food for it and it was packed to go etc

So no, while my husband is spending the same 70minutes standing on the side of the field as I am, he does not get the same credit for for doing the last tiny bit of the effort involved - especially when its the fun part where we are basically socializing with friends - when I did all the work to make it happen x every aspect of our lives

Yes we both work full time

+1.

Things I do to make soccer happen for my kids:
Keep track of emails from the soccer league so I know when registration is happening
Register kids for each season
Make sure their cleats and shin guards still fit and are in good condition, and buy new ones as needed
Make sure one kid's sport glasses get updated lenses as needed
Launder all practice gear/uniform components after practices and games so they're ready for next time
Help kids find missing gear as needed
Fill water bottles for practices and games and wash water bottles after use
Enter all practices and games into the family calendar
Keep track of any scheduling conflicts and arrange carpools as needed (as well as coordinating carpools with others who email me in a bind)
Make sure whomever is driving a kid to a game knows which field they're playing on
Monitor weather and whether practices/games are cancelled due to field conditions
Keep track of rescheduled games
Drive kids to and from some practices and games

Things my husband does to make soccer happen for my kids:
Drive kids to and from some practices and games
Read my emails to him letting him know which field he's supposed to take them to

He's not a bad dad or husband, but I would roll my eyes hard if he ever said he did half the work for soccer practices just because he takes them to half the practices/games. Fortunately he doesn't say stupid shit like that because he actually is a good dad and husband.

You sound really petty.

That plus putting great value in small tasks and also unnecessarily inefficient.

My kids know they are responsible for their soccer gear (I'll launder) as well as getting their water bottle ready for games (they are 7 and 9). If they can't find a shin guard, I'll find it. If the kids need new shoes, I'll determine if they can last the season (they usually do) and buy new shoes once a year. I'll take the 5 mins to register them for soccer. I'll take the 2 mins it takes to find out what time and field their games are at. Take the minimal coordination it requires to arrange for transportation if I can't drive myself to pick them up/take them to practice. Again, if you plan well for certain things, none of this kind of stuff should be difficult at all.

DH here, btw.

So you're posting here to make sure you get credit for it, but it's petty when a female pp does it? That's a nice double standard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a dad, I simply refuse to believe there are dads out there (in the DC area) that don't do the practices, games, PTCs, field trips, camping trips etc.

I can't recall more than maybe one or two absent dads that weren't deployed. And I have 3 kids that are 14,13, and 9. What's that? Thirty six years of parenting.

This is as false narrative being pushed by angry women.

So my DH is at a lot of the events but I'm the one who researched the activities, signed kid up, figured out how we'd get him to practices, made sure he had clean clothes for practice packed when we left that morning, that his uniform is ready for games, was on top of when practice was rained out and how we would get him home those days, when games were and that we were at the field on time, when we were supposed to bring the snacks and that we bought food for it and it was packed to go etc

So no, while my husband is spending the same 70minutes standing on the side of the field as I am, he does not get the same credit for for doing the last tiny bit of the effort involved - especially when its the fun part where we are basically socializing with friends - when I did all the work to make it happen x every aspect of our lives

Yes we both work full time

+1.

Things I do to make soccer happen for my kids:
Keep track of emails from the soccer league so I know when registration is happening
Register kids for each season
Make sure their cleats and shin guards still fit and are in good condition, and buy new ones as needed
Make sure one kid's sport glasses get updated lenses as needed
Launder all practice gear/uniform components after practices and games so they're ready for next time
Help kids find missing gear as needed
Fill water bottles for practices and games and wash water bottles after use
Enter all practices and games into the family calendar
Keep track of any scheduling conflicts and arrange carpools as needed (as well as coordinating carpools with others who email me in a bind)
Make sure whomever is driving a kid to a game knows which field they're playing on
Monitor weather and whether practices/games are cancelled due to field conditions
Keep track of rescheduled games
Drive kids to and from some practices and games

Things my husband does to make soccer happen for my kids:
Drive kids to and from some practices and games
Read my emails to him letting him know which field he's supposed to take them to

He's not a bad dad or husband, but I would roll my eyes hard if he ever said he did half the work for soccer practices just because he takes them to half the practices/games. Fortunately he doesn't say stupid shit like that because he actually is a good dad and husband.

You sound really petty.

That plus putting great value in small tasks and also unnecessarily inefficient.

My kids know they are responsible for their soccer gear (I'll launder) as well as getting their water bottle ready for games (they are 7 and 9). If they can't find a shin guard, I'll find it. If the kids need new shoes, I'll determine if they can last the season (they usually do) and buy new shoes once a year. I'll take the 5 mins to register them for soccer. I'll take the 2 mins it takes to find out what time and field their games are at. Take the minimal coordination it requires to arrange for transportation if I can't drive myself to pick them up/take them to practice. Again, if you plan well for certain things, none of this kind of stuff should be difficult at all.

DH here, btw.

So you're posting here to make sure you get credit for it, but it's petty when a female pp does it? That's a nice double standard.

Exactly the wrong way of looking at it. Posted to show that it's not a BFD to do all those things that PP describes in a previous post as things she does that require soooo much time and energy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:/\ I'm a female married PP BTW. My husband rises to the expectations set for him. I don't bail him out and therefore he takes them seriously. He's a grown up, I'm a grown up, and when I feel myself getting irritated at him for something like what you've all described. I tell him about it and we reshuffle something and I mentally let something go. Being happy is more important than any load of laundry, milk gallon left on the counter or birthday present unshopped for.

The bolded part is key, and not every spouse will do that. For some people, no matter how they address it, their spouse will always be a freeloader. The process of coming to recognize that, accept it and decide what to do about it for yourself can be a long and painful one. Telling someone who's in the middle of it that it wouldn't be an issue if they just didn't get upset isn't helpful because their spouse isn't your spouse and doesn't respond the same way.

I don't believe that every spouse is in that bucket. Some are, they should get divorced. But I also know people that lose their minds over how their spouse folds sheets. And those people are as responsible for their marital problems as the lazy spouse.

This is evident early in a marriage. People do not become lazy after 10 years of marriage with NO signs beforehand unless there is a mental or health issue.

It's a gradual change. Think death by a thousand cuts/nags. Those first 100 might be bearable but by the time the 1000th rolls around, you're kind of done with it all.

Marriage takes work. To the PP before you I would say, why didn't you have a conversation about the cup? Fight it out about the cup and then your expectations and limits are clear when you get to teething. My DH knew he was doing half the night wake ups when I got pregnant. It was an expectation. And then when I would wake up and he didn't and it was his turn I'd push him and make him get up. Everytime you 'just do it' in a marriage erodes the other party's adulthood and allows them to slowly transform into a teenager. Once you have a teenager, its hard to turn them back into an adult. And I'm not absolving guys who allow this to happen, they are just as culpable in the demise of the marriage. But it is literally impossible to come back from the brink unless both sides understand how they have contributed. And the infantilization of men is SO prevalent across SO many of my friend and relative's marriages.

It is in fact a common bonding moment with women complaining about their hilariously inept husbands. I have a friend say something like, 'ugh David barely even knows how old the kids are'. And everyone goes around with their stories and I say, 'Tom knows how old his kids are, if he didn't we'd have problems.' And they roll their eyes at me like I'm bragging or like I'm lucky or whatever. And I do consider myself lucky because I have an engaged husband. But it was not all luck. I made sure I didn't marry a David. And when my husband starts doing David-like things I call him on it and we have it out right then and there and so instead of having 10 years worth of bitterness built up around why he left his mug in the office, we are literally just discussing whatever it is that happened. That takes work, we work at it every day. I consciously let things go. If he ruins a sweater every once in awhile? Well he does all the laundry. So I'm not going to complain. Just like he doesn't complain if I make a crappy dinner one night. If he empties the dishwasher for me, I don't complain if he puts the colander in the wrong place. I let things go, he lets things go, but if anything begins to accumulate, we address it. And that doesn't happen magically, it happens intentionally.

You sound like a dick. I too am partnered to a "Tom," but when other moms start complaining about their partners I just stay quiet. No need to rub it in their faces. I bet you don't have a ton of friends....

+1

You are making a big assumption that I respond to my friend's marital woes by talking about my great husband. I don't because yes, that would make me a dick. The above is more like, in response to the kind of communal complaining about little things where everyone laughs about their idiot husbands that happens when women get together. Not someone expressing serious distress/concern about something. And most of the time I will just stay silent. But I feel like that is just contributing to this belief that most men are idiots. I have tons of friends. They think I have a great marriage and they are right but they also like to say stuff like, 'I got lucky' and 'I got a good one' and that frustrates me, although I wouldn't say that in the moment. It is frustrating because while I DO think my husband is great and I DO feel lucky to have found him, our marriage is great because we both work at it and do regular relationship 'maintenance'.

I am sure there are a bunch of real Toms (if Tom means exceptional here, which isn't what I meant above) and real Davids (a loser who will never do anything no matter what you do). But I think more often you get into a role in your relationship and become a Tom or a David because the family just naturally falls into a David or Tom rhythm. My point above was that Toms aren't exceptional, or they shouldn't be, Toms are treated like grown ups and are therefore act like an equal partner to their spouses. And that creating a dynamic of equality is the responsibility of both parties in a marriage. And if more women were of the mindset that they need to hold their partners accountable, rather than the mindset that men are bumbling fools and they should just do it to get it done, then they would probably have better relationships.

All stuff that yes, would be super offensive if I said it at my girl's lunch but it's what I'm thinking inside!

[Anonymous]

speaking about women complaining about their DHs at girls' outings, is this really a thing? I've heard it and I find it amusing b/c I can tell you for guys' outings, that stuff never happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a dad, I simply refuse to believe there are dads out there (in the DC area) that don't do the practices, games, PTCs, field trips, camping trips etc.

I can't recall more than maybe one or two absent dads that weren't deployed. And I have 3 kids that are 14,13, and 9. What's that? Thirty six years of parenting.

This is as false narrative being pushed by angry women.

So my DH is at a lot of the events but I'm the one who researched the activities, signed kid up, figured out how we'd get him to practices, made sure he had clean clothes for practice packed when we left that morning, that his uniform is ready for games, was on top of when practice was rained out and how we would get him home those days, when games were and that we were at the field on time, when we were supposed to bring the snacks and that we bought food for it and it was packed to go etc

So no, while my husband is spending the same 70minutes standing on the side of the field as I am, he does not get the same credit for for doing the last tiny bit of the effort involved - especially when its the fun part where we are basically socializing with friends - when I did all the work to make it happen x every aspect of our lives

Yes we both work full time

+1.

Things I do to make soccer happen for my kids:
Keep track of emails from the soccer league so I know when registration is happening
Register kids for each season
Make sure their cleats and shin guards still fit and are in good condition, and buy new ones as needed
Make sure one kid's sport glasses get updated lenses as needed
Launder all practice gear/uniform components after practices and games so they're ready for next time
Help kids find missing gear as needed
Fill water bottles for practices and games and wash water bottles after use
Enter all practices and games into the family calendar
Keep track of any scheduling conflicts and arrange carpools as needed (as well as coordinating carpools with others who email me in a bind)
Make sure whomever is driving a kid to a game knows which field they're playing on
Monitor weather and whether practices/games are cancelled due to field conditions
Keep track of rescheduled games
Drive kids to and from some practices and games

Things my husband does to make soccer happen for my kids:
Drive kids to and from some practices and games
Read my emails to him letting him know which field he's supposed to take them to

He's not a bad dad or husband, but I would roll my eyes hard if he ever said he did half the work for soccer practices just because he takes them to half the practices/games. Fortunately he doesn't say stupid shit like that because he actually is a good dad and husband.

You sound really petty.

That plus putting great value in small tasks and also unnecessarily inefficient.

My kids know they are responsible for their soccer gear (I'll launder) as well as getting their water bottle ready for games (they are 7 and 9). If they can't find a shin guard, I'll find it. If the kids need new shoes, I'll determine if they can last the season (they usually do) and buy new shoes once a year. I'll take the 5 mins to register them for soccer. I'll take the 2 mins it takes to find out what time and field their games are at. Take the minimal coordination it requires to arrange for transportation if I can't drive myself to pick them up/take them to practice. Again, if you plan well for certain things, none of this kind of stuff should be difficult at all.

DH here, btw.

So you're posting here to make sure you get credit for it, but it's petty when a female pp does it? That's a nice double standard.

Exactly the wrong way of looking at it. Posted to show that it's not a BFD to do all those things that PP describes in a previous post as things she does that require soooo much time and energy.

I'm the 'treat your spouse like an adult' pp.

You are also not looking at it the right way. Keeping track of 'all the things' is a large mental load to take on. It just is. You can isolate any one of a million tasks and say it takes two minutes but being the person who needs to remember everything is hard. It takes a lot of time and energy. We should all be holding our spouses accountable but we should ALSO be grateful for what they do do. And with that kind of attitude, gratitude seems nonexistent. When people take something on and get it done they should be appreciated. Don't minimize it, raising children is a lot of work and even moving one or two of the jigsaw pieces off your plate can have a big impact.