Widower with three kids - am I crazy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, no, I don't think you should do it.

First, at 38 you still have a chance to find and marry someone without kids. All things equal, a guy without kids is better than the one with kids.

Second, and this is particularly important, you are at a point where if you want a bio child, you'll need to put a high priority on it due to your age. A guy with 3 kids may not want a #4, and if he does, it won't be for a looooooong time. Do not pass a chance at having children for anything; nothing is THAT important. If you do, eventually time will come when you think, "I gave up having kids for THIS?"

Widowers with three children are for women who have no other options at all.

No other options at all? That would be virtually all single, 38 year old women who want kids.

Exceptions at that age might have been, say, J.Lo.

Not really, go to the courthouse and sit by the marriage license window. You'll see 38-year old women there every day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, no, I don't think you should do it.

First, at 38 you still have a chance to find and marry someone without kids. All things equal, a guy without kids is better than the one with kids.

Second, and this is particularly important, you are at a point where if you want a bio child, you'll need to put a high priority on it due to your age. A guy with 3 kids may not want a #4, and if he does, it won't be for a looooooong time. Do not pass a chance at having children for anything; nothing is THAT important. If you do, eventually time will come when you think, "I gave up having kids for THIS?"

Widowers with three children are for women who have no other options at all.

The pool of straight single males OP's age is not that deep. This is a guy she has known for a couple of years and really likes. If I was OP at some point before too long I would address the new baby issue assuming she would like to have a baby of her own. That would certainly create a new family dynamic which has positives and negatives.

[Anonymous]

The crux of the issue is OP willing to be a stepmom or not? If not, then her dating pool is going to be a little bit more limited, since a lot of single guys in their late 30s and early 40s already have kids. If OP is open to stepkids, then this seems like as good of an opportunity as any, since she already knows that she likes the guy. Keep an open mind, don't over promise, and see how it all goes.

However, if OP really doesn't want to be a stepmom, best to cut if off now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The crux of the issue is OP willing to be a stepmom or not? If not, then her dating pool is going to be a little bit more limited, since a lot of single guys in their late 30s and early 40s already have kids. If OP is open to stepkids, then this seems like as good of an opportunity as any, since she already knows that she likes the guy. Keep an open mind, don't over promise, and see how it all goes.

However, if OP really doesn't want to be a stepmom, best to cut if off now.

She may well have considered this before she agreed to the date...at least I would have. But at some point she will have to spend time with them to see if it can work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The crux of the issue is OP willing to be a stepmom or not? If not, then her dating pool is going to be a little bit more limited, since a lot of single guys in their late 30s and early 40s already have kids. If OP is open to stepkids, then this seems like as good of an opportunity as any, since she already knows that she likes the guy. Keep an open mind, don't over promise, and see how it all goes.

However, if OP really doesn't want to be a stepmom, best to cut if off now.

Good point about guys having kids. I'd prefer a widower to a divorced guy any day of the week. Yes, you might have to deal with the "late mom was a saint" issue but I'd take that over kids who come from a broken home and have to go back and forth between two homes. Certainly the family has been through a lot of sadness but hopefully not a lot of hatred.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One thing you have going for you is that you have already met his children and they like you. My guess is that that's one of the reasons he has asked you out. If you do get involved with him your life will change immensely and it won't be easy.

but it could also be easy. Sometimes life works out in ways you never ever imagined. Go on the date and be as open minded as you would with anyone else. trust me, he is probably obsessing in his head too just like you. Report back!

[Anonymous]

From OP's posts, it is clear that she likes the guy/sees a future with him and isn't turned off by the kids in the abstract. My uncle was widowed when his kids were 4 and 2; about 2 years later, he started dating the woman he would marry a year after that. They went on to have 2 biological children of their own; she adopted his kids. 20 years later, they are very happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The crux of the issue is OP willing to be a stepmom or not? If not, then her dating pool is going to be a little bit more limited, since a lot of single guys in their late 30s and early 40s already have kids. If OP is open to stepkids, then this seems like as good of an opportunity as any, since she already knows that she likes the guy. Keep an open mind, don't over promise, and see how it all goes.

However, if OP really doesn't want to be a stepmom, best to cut if off now.

Good point about guys having kids. I'd prefer a widower to a divorced guy any day of the week. Yes, you might have to deal with the "late mom was a saint" issue but I'd take that over kids who come from a broken home and have to go back and forth between two homes. Certainly the family has been through a lot of sadness but hopefully not a lot of hatred.

Agree. Young kids whose mother died are likely to be open to a new "mom-ish" figure in a way that the children of divorce typically aren't.

[Anonymous]

The red flag is definitely meeting the kids before the date. What happened to the mom?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The red flag is definitely meeting the kids before the date. What happened to the mom?

I'm pretty sure OP said that meeting the kids was due to her having to drop something off at his house and he asked her to stay for lunch. Happenstance. I don't think she said what happened to the mom except that he is a widower. Regardless it's always sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One thing you have going for you is that you have already met his children and they like you. My guess is that that's one of the reasons he has asked you out. If you do get involved with him your life will change immensely and it won't be easy.

But it can be wonderful! However, I am concerned you may be going too fast with him.

[Anonymous]

Go into it with eyes wide open. The benefits of widower over divorced (I'm a divorced mom here), is that he's done this thing alone. He's been the parent. He's done the being a mature adult caring for kids thing alone. Many divorced men don't and haven't. So I'd take widower over divorced any day. Also, he's not bitter and hateful as many of us divorced parents are. I know since my divorce, I've lost so much trust in people, it's not even worthwhile for me to date, even when I feel alone and lonely. Why mess with what I have now, the peace, the structure, the safety, for the sake of someone who can do to me what my ex did to me again? No thanks.

I think you should give this a try. Go into it with eyes wide open. Knowing what you want. Don't make compromises and sacrifices. See if it can be done. If it can work out, great. If not, you tried. What's life about if not a string of mostly failed adventures, anyway.

[Anonymous]

I know a widower in his early 40's with two young kids who went from being a bit of an old frat boy early in his marriage to being an incredibly responsible father. Early on he was given tons of help by his mother, sister and other friends but over time he said he really needed to do it on his own and he has. He has child care etc. but it's really him. I see him a parent-teacher meetings and soccer games and I'm always amazed about how calm he seems to be. It's been about four years now and his kids seem to be doing well and are happy. I don't know if he dates at all but this is a guy who is clearly a good father and I have to believe good husband material.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know a widower in his early 40's with two young kids who went from being a bit of an old frat boy early in his marriage to being an incredibly responsible father. Early on he was given tons of help by his mother, sister and other friends but over time he said he really needed to do it on his own and he has. He has child care etc. but it's really him. I see him a parent-teacher meetings and soccer games and I'm always amazed about how calm he seems to be. It's been about four years now and his kids seem to be doing well and are happy. I don't know if he dates at all but this is a guy who is clearly a good father and I have to believe good husband material.

Please send me his phone number!

[Anonymous]

Hey we need an update!