Widower with three kids - am I crazy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, opening yourself up --- freeing yourself to see what happens ---- this is always a good thing. You don't need to know the eventual outcome. That's not how life works.

I completely agree. One of my high school friends married a widower with 3 kids under age 11 - That was 30 years ago, kids are grown and they're still a great family.

Be open!

+1

Open heart and open mind. <3

[Anonymous]

I'd have a million concerns - the rational side of me - but I'd definitely see what the possibility is - the emotional side. Sooner or later the two sides will meet and you will have your answer. Dating a guy with 3 young kids will certainly be a scheduling adventure! Be prepared!

[Anonymous]

OP, you already know this man through business and have known him for a while. He probably considers you a viable prospect for a relationship of some sort. If he is a busy dad of three young kids, his time is limited. So before he invested any serious time and energy in a relationship with you, he wanted to see you interact with his children.

To other PPs, his actions may seem a bit calculated. I don’t look at it like that however. He already knows he likes you and would like to see where this could go. But practically speaking, he doesn’t have time to take a step toward involvement without making sure you would be a good fit with his kids.

If you like this man, and you like his kids, I don’t see the harm in dating him. Now, if you work together, I do see the harm and that is a different matter. I suppose it depends a lot on how closely you work together and how often.

This could be a very sweet story with a happy ending. Or not. But I do not discourage you from finding out. As others have said, please remember the feelings of the kids involved. It sounds like you will, and I bet that is one reason this man finds you attractive.

[Anonymous]

I think because he’s a widower the calculus in terms of being involved with the kids early on is a bit different than if he was divorced with joint custody. Sure, he can get a sitter one night a week but otherwise he really most likely can’t date in the usual sense of the word. OP really needs to decide early on if she’s interested enough with the kids as part of the bargain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think because he’s a widower the calculus in terms of being involved with the kids early on is a bit different than if he was divorced with joint custody. Sure, he can get a sitter one night a week but otherwise he really most likely can’t date in the usual sense of the word. OP really needs to decide early on if she’s interested enough with the kids as part of the bargain.

This is so true but I wonder if he has a live-in nanny that could make dating a little easier. OP must know that his kids are his #1 priority but where there is the will there is a way. Let's hope the first date goes well so we can find out how she hopes to deal with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s a red flag he’s already introduced you to his kids and had you spend that much time with them.

Duh - he should not waste any time on someone that his kids hate. This was perfectly reasonable. He already knows her from interacting with her these past months.

[Anonymous]

I’d wonder how many other women he does this with?

[Anonymous]

If you do get involved with him don’t accept being last place. His kids will be a priority but you need to be one too. The relationship between the two of you needs to be nurtured or it will be a disaster if he, the kids, in laws view you as last place.

[Anonymous]

Do you want to get pregnant? Does he want more kids?

[Anonymous]

Maybe he just wants companionship - to have that unique grace of a woman just "there".

How long since his wife passed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s a red flag he’s already introduced you to his kids and had you spend that much time with them.

Duh - he should not waste any time on someone that his kids hate. This was perfectly reasonable. He already knows her from interacting with her these past months.

“Duh” it’s not JUSTabout knowing her.

Having your kids spend time with someone who they could get attached too, and the leave, isn’t a good idea. It’s not just the introduction, he had them spend the day together.

OP if you decide to move forward, and he doesn’t have you spend time with his kids until you are serious, then maybe he just didn’t know how to end that day. However, if you move forward and you do spend time with them, that is a definitely an issue. They have dealt with so much loss, it’s irresponsible to have them get attached to anyone before it’s really serious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you do get involved with him don’t accept being last place. His kids will be a priority but you need to be one too. The relationship between the two of you needs to be nurtured or it will be a disaster if he, the kids, in laws view you as last place.

Um no you have to accept that you will be last place. No decent parent puts the new romantic partner in front of their kid. Ever. If you go into a relationship like this you shouldn’t be with someone who has kids.

You will be last place, always, and you will need to be ok hearing about the deceased wife and showing compassion. It’s not necessarily a bad thing, but going into it with an attitude that you will someone ever be equal to his kids is ridiculous. You can still have a wonderful relationship and lots of love without being first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you do get involved with him don’t accept being last place. His kids will be a priority but you need to be one too. The relationship between the two of you needs to be nurtured or it will be a disaster if he, the kids, in laws view you as last place.

Um no you have to accept that you will be last place. No decent parent puts the new romantic partner in front of their kid. Ever. If you go into a relationship like this you shouldn’t be with someone who has kids.

You will be last place, always, and you will need to be ok hearing about the deceased wife and showing compassion. It’s not necessarily a bad thing, but going into it with an attitude that you will someone ever be equal to his kids is ridiculous. You can still have a wonderful relationship and lots of love without being first.

I said what I said. She should not go into this accepting being last place or that her needs and desires don’t matter and should never matter.

[Anonymous]

life is interesting. go with it.

[Anonymous]

This sounds sweet. I would be open minded, kind and see how things go. It could be fun. I love children and dated a couple of divorced guys with kids in my 30s.