Widower with three kids - am I crazy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, but it wouldn't be for me. I'd be worried that all he is looking for is a mother for his kids and I would have to give up my life.

Totally this! Find a childfree guy. This is just to much baggage. No way!

Sure, 40+ never married? 40+ divorced? Trust me they have baggage that is between their ears.

40+ never married..sounds smart to me!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Beware Beware Beware!

Anyone seriously thinking about taking on a relationship with someone with kids, you need to read up and get educated. There is no such thing as the Brady Bunch. No matter how good your intentions are and how hard you try there is a SERIOUS likelihood that the relationship will fail.

This is especially true for women who get involved with men who have daughters. While it is better for boys, statistically, less than 20% of stepdaughters will fully accept another woman in their father's life. This can happen even with adult daughters. Girls tend to have huge loyalty/territory binds over their mothers, either alive or deceased.

If I had to do it over again, I would not have had a relationship with someone with kids. Even when they adult, there are problems - including grandkids.

Listen to this person! They have been there and done that and giving you priceless advice. Will not be sunshine and rainbows. Just a lot of rain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Beware Beware Beware!

Anyone seriously thinking about taking on a relationship with someone with kids, you need to read up and get educated. There is no such thing as the Brady Bunch. No matter how good your intentions are and how hard you try there is a SERIOUS likelihood that the relationship will fail.

This is especially true for women who get involved with men who have daughters. While it is better for boys, statistically, less than 20% of stepdaughters will fully accept another woman in their father's life. This can happen even with adult daughters. Girls tend to have huge loyalty/territory binds over their mothers, either alive or deceased.

If I had to do it over again, I would not have had a relationship with someone with kids. Even when they adult, there are problems - including grandkids.

It would be really helpful to have source for your ‘data’. 20% says who? Your astrologer ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, but it wouldn't be for me. I'd be worried that all he is looking for is a mother for his kids and I would have to give up my life.

Totally this! Find a childfree guy. This is just to much baggage. No way!

Sure, 40+ never married? 40+ divorced? Trust me they have baggage that is between their ears.

40+ never married..sounds like an emotionally stunted commitment-phobe to me!

Fify

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Beware Beware Beware!

Anyone seriously thinking about taking on a relationship with someone with kids, you need to read up and get educated. There is no such thing as the Brady Bunch. No matter how good your intentions are and how hard you try there is a SERIOUS likelihood that the relationship will fail.

This is especially true for women who get involved with men who have daughters. While it is better for boys, statistically, less than 20% of stepdaughters will fully accept another woman in their father's life. This can happen even with adult daughters. Girls tend to have huge loyalty/territory binds over their mothers, either alive or deceased.

If I had to do it over again, I would not have had a relationship with someone with kids. Even when they adult, there are problems - including grandkids.

It would be really helpful to have source for your ‘data’. 20% says who? Your astrologer ?

She is the source of her data. With a sample size of 1. All should take heed. Anyone that follows this PPs jaded position as some sort of golden rule, earns the outcome they receive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you genuinely like kids, give it a chance and see how it goes. If I did not enjoy kids, I would not go out with him again. But I love kids, and would be perfectly happy to have 3 kids who need a mom just show up on my doorstop--even better if they came with a great guy. It's definitely a personal decision.

I’m a single dad with two kids who need a mom. In several years of dating I’ve never met someone who could write what you did. I always need to apologize for having kids. Basically.

You sound very nice. I wish you the best.

I wasn’t able to have children and would love to be a stepmom. Keep looking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Beware Beware Beware!

Anyone seriously thinking about taking on a relationship with someone with kids, you need to read up and get educated. There is no such thing as the Brady Bunch. No matter how good your intentions are and how hard you try there is a SERIOUS likelihood that the relationship will fail.

This is especially true for women who get involved with men who have daughters. While it is better for boys, statistically, less than 20% of stepdaughters will fully accept another woman in their father's life. This can happen even with adult daughters. Girls tend to have huge loyalty/territory binds over their mothers, either alive or deceased.

If I had to do it over again, I would not have had a relationship with someone with kids. Even when they adult, there are problems - including grandkids.

It would be really helpful to have source for your ‘data’. 20% says who? Your astrologer ?

She is the source of her data. With a sample size of 1. All should take heed. Anyone that follows this PPs jaded position as some sort of golden rule, earns the outcome they receive.

Start reading. Become educated.

Patterns of Stepchild—Stepparent Relationship Development , Lawrence H. Ganong, Marilyn Coleman and Tyler Jamison, Journal of Marriage and Family
Stepmother Rejection and Psychological Maladjustment among Stepdaughters: Mediating Role of Social Competence By Shujja, Sultan; Malik, Najma Iqbal; Adil, Adnan; Atta, Mohsin, Journal of Behavioural Sciences
…Children in stepmother families appear to be less warm, less interactive, and more aversive in stepmother-child relationship (Hetherington & Jodl, 1994) and perceive stepmothers as rejecting (Shelton, Walters, & Harold, 2008). It becomes very difficult for the children to accept stepmother because they perceive their stepmothers as sharing partner in time and attention of real father (Bray, 1999).

And

…Hetherington, whose research methods are regarded by her peers as the gold standard, is professor emeritus in the department of psychology at the University of Virginia.
"She is the leading social scientist who studies the effects of divorce on children," says Andrew Cherlin, a sociologist at Johns Hopkins University in Baltimore. "She was the pioneer in her field, and we have all followed in her wake. She was the first serious researcher to do excellent, rigorous studies of children and families. Everyone has read her work and learned from it."
Per Hetherington, fewer than 20%. of young adult stepchildren feel close to their stepmoms. The divorce rate in remarriages is greater than those in first marriages, frequently because the stepmother is unpopular: She is often caught in the middle, expected to be nurturers of sometimes difficult and suspicious children.”

And

“As more than one adult stepchild told me, "My mom wouldn't like it if my stepmom and I were close." Often, a stepchild who "hates" her stepmom feels that in doing so she is expressing solidarity with her mother. If mom would explicitly give her permission to like her stepmother, and let her know that being nasty to stepmom is not an option, the behavior, and the resentment it stems from, would likely vanish.” -- Wednesday Martin, Ph.D. Article in “Psychology Today” and author of “Stepmonster”

Also look up research by Constance Ahrons, Papernow, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Beware Beware Beware!

Anyone seriously thinking about taking on a relationship with someone with kids, you need to read up and get educated. There is no such thing as the Brady Bunch. No matter how good your intentions are and how hard you try there is a SERIOUS likelihood that the relationship will fail.

This is especially true for women who get involved with men who have daughters. While it is better for boys, statistically, less than 20% of stepdaughters will fully accept another woman in their father's life. This can happen even with adult daughters. Girls tend to have huge loyalty/territory binds over their mothers, either alive or deceased.

If I had to do it over again, I would not have had a relationship with someone with kids. Even when they adult, there are problems - including grandkids.

It would be really helpful to have source for your ‘data’. 20% says who? Your astrologer ?

She is the source of her data. With a sample size of 1. All should take heed. Anyone that follows this PPs jaded position as some sort of golden rule, earns the outcome they receive.

Start reading. Become educated.

Patterns of Stepchild—Stepparent Relationship Development , Lawrence H. Ganong, Marilyn Coleman and Tyler Jamison, Journal of Marriage and Family
Stepmother Rejection and Psychological Maladjustment among Stepdaughters: Mediating Role of Social Competence By Shujja, Sultan; Malik, Najma Iqbal; Adil, Adnan; Atta, Mohsin, Journal of Behavioural Sciences
…Children in stepmother families appear to be less warm, less interactive, and more aversive in stepmother-child relationship (Hetherington & Jodl, 1994) and perceive stepmothers as rejecting (Shelton, Walters, & Harold, 2008). It becomes very difficult for the children to accept stepmother because they perceive their stepmothers as sharing partner in time and attention of real father (Bray, 1999).

And

…Hetherington, whose research methods are regarded by her peers as the gold standard, is professor emeritus in the department of psychology at the University of Virginia.
"She is the leading social scientist who studies the effects of divorce on children," says Andrew Cherlin, a sociologist at Johns Hopkins University in Baltimore. "She was the pioneer in her field, and we have all followed in her wake. She was the first serious researcher to do excellent, rigorous studies of children and families. Everyone has read her work and learned from it."
Per Hetherington, fewer than 20%. of young adult stepchildren feel close to their stepmoms. The divorce rate in remarriages is greater than those in first marriages, frequently because the stepmother is unpopular: She is often caught in the middle, expected to be nurturers of sometimes difficult and suspicious children.”

And

“As more than one adult stepchild told me, "My mom wouldn't like it if my stepmom and I were close." Often, a stepchild who "hates" her stepmom feels that in doing so she is expressing solidarity with her mother. If mom would explicitly give her permission to like her stepmother, and let her know that being nasty to stepmom is not an option, the behavior, and the resentment it stems from, would likely vanish.” -- Wednesday Martin, Ph.D. Article in “Psychology Today” and author of “Stepmonster”

Also look up research by Constance Ahrons, Papernow, etc.

A widow is an entirely different situation.

[Anonymous]

One more thing. Any woman who is considering a man with children should visit a local stepmother support group at least ONE time. You will her first-hand stories of the significant challenges and rare joys of being a stepmother.

Read up. Listen up. Then proceed with great caution.

Men with children can and should learn something too. It will be an eye-opener to see what women's experiences are. Its easy to say "I want a mom for my kids." and not have a clue as to what that entails.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Beware Beware Beware!

Anyone seriously thinking about taking on a relationship with someone with kids, you need to read up and get educated. There is no such thing as the Brady Bunch. No matter how good your intentions are and how hard you try there is a SERIOUS likelihood that the relationship will fail.

This is especially true for women who get involved with men who have daughters. While it is better for boys, statistically, less than 20% of stepdaughters will fully accept another woman in their father's life. This can happen even with adult daughters. Girls tend to have huge loyalty/territory binds over their mothers, either alive or deceased.

If I had to do it over again, I would not have had a relationship with someone with kids. Even when they adult, there are problems - including grandkids.

It would be really helpful to have source for your ‘data’. 20% says who? Your astrologer ?

She is the source of her data. With a sample size of 1. All should take heed. Anyone that follows this PPs jaded position as some sort of golden rule, earns the outcome they receive.

Start reading. Become educated.

Patterns of Stepchild—Stepparent Relationship Development , Lawrence H. Ganong, Marilyn Coleman and Tyler Jamison, Journal of Marriage and Family
Stepmother Rejection and Psychological Maladjustment among Stepdaughters: Mediating Role of Social Competence By Shujja, Sultan; Malik, Najma Iqbal; Adil, Adnan; Atta, Mohsin, Journal of Behavioural Sciences
…Children in stepmother families appear to be less warm, less interactive, and more aversive in stepmother-child relationship (Hetherington & Jodl, 1994) and perceive stepmothers as rejecting (Shelton, Walters, & Harold, 2008). It becomes very difficult for the children to accept stepmother because they perceive their stepmothers as sharing partner in time and attention of real father (Bray, 1999).

And

…Hetherington, whose research methods are regarded by her peers as the gold standard, is professor emeritus in the department of psychology at the University of Virginia.
"She is the leading social scientist who studies the effects of divorce on children," says Andrew Cherlin, a sociologist at Johns Hopkins University in Baltimore. "She was the pioneer in her field, and we have all followed in her wake. She was the first serious researcher to do excellent, rigorous studies of children and families. Everyone has read her work and learned from it."
Per Hetherington, fewer than 20%. of young adult stepchildren feel close to their stepmoms. The divorce rate in remarriages is greater than those in first marriages, frequently because the stepmother is unpopular: She is often caught in the middle, expected to be nurturers of sometimes difficult and suspicious children.”

And

“As more than one adult stepchild told me, "My mom wouldn't like it if my stepmom and I were close." Often, a stepchild who "hates" her stepmom feels that in doing so she is expressing solidarity with her mother. If mom would explicitly give her permission to like her stepmother, and let her know that being nasty to stepmom is not an option, the behavior, and the resentment it stems from, would likely vanish.” -- Wednesday Martin, Ph.D. Article in “Psychology Today” and author of “Stepmonster”

Also look up research by Constance Ahrons, Papernow, etc.

A widow is an entirely different situation.

Do you mean widower? Yes, it is different and in some cases even more difficult. There is research on that, too.

[Anonymous]

Okay, certainly not going to challenge something established as a valid and reliable observation; but I will say that so much of the research that experts discuss and refer to is becoming dated. Many bodies of research are dated; one reference you have is 26 years old, and certainly doesn’t take in the social implications of new household dynamics, social media, normalized non traditional family households. Gay men raising pansexual children that believe in love and discussing transgender rights. Step parenting is small potatos. Stop trying to scare people about having a blended family that looks difference. All social circumstance; single parenting, blended families, marriages, fostering, etc - require a commitment to work on having a good solid relationship with the people you love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One more thing. Any woman who is considering a man with children should visit a local stepmother support group at least ONE time. You will her first-hand stories of the significant challenges and rare joys of being a stepmother.

Read up. Listen up. Then proceed with great caution.

Men with children can and should learn something too. It will be an eye-opener to see what women's experiences are. Its easy to say "I want a mom for my kids." and not have a clue as to what that entails.

Again, as someone reminded you earlier, in THIS thread, we are discussing OP’s specific interest, and ongoing engagement with someone who is widowed. The children do Morning have a mother. Grief is a different circumstance for everyone. Adoptive parents in blended familys have a lot of beautiful stories too.

I’m hopeful for Op!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One more thing. Any woman who is considering a man with children should visit a local stepmother support group at least ONE time. You will her first-hand stories of the significant challenges and rare joys of being a stepmother.

Read up. Listen up. Then proceed with great caution.

Men with children can and should learn something too. It will be an eye-opener to see what women's experiences are. Its easy to say "I want a mom for my kids." and not have a clue as to what that entails.

That's because 90% of them are dealing with toxic ex wives, and the poor kids are having to navigate two dysfunctinal families.

There is a big difference in OP's situation.

[Anonymous]

I think this is wonderful. Just take it slow.

[Anonymous]

OP here - again I’m surprised people are interested and I am put off my some of the so called experts. My update is that we are soon to be married very quietly with just family and a few friends mostly at my request. In September I had a big job opportunity that required a relocation and that really triggered some decisions. So we are getting married and I got a promotion that allows me to stay local. The children seem very happy and the oldest even put pressure on her father to marry me and he joked that I must have her on the payroll. I spend almost all of my free time with them with much of that with the children just doing normal day to day things. I definitely have an appreciation for what parents do and how exhausting it can be but there are some very special moments only a parent can experience. I am off BC and we will see what happens and hopefully soon.