Marriage dynamics - one vs two income households

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a baby around the same time as many of my friends and definitely have noticed a big difference in the marriages of SAHMs and working moms. I work for many reasons.

1. I really enjoy my job and I earn a relatively high salary (200k+) with flexible hours.
2. I enjoy getting out of the house and the interaction I have with other adults during the work week.
3. One of the main factors for me is that my husband contributes at home and we are equals. I would resent doing all of the housework, planning, organizing etc but maybe you don’t mind this.
4. I want my own retirement account.
5. I don’t want my entire life to only be about my husband and child. I have my own identity. My SAHM friends have become more boring and overly focused on their child as time goes by.

I’ve also noticed that many SAHMs think they are staying home for the benefit of their child but really it’s for them. And that’s fine. But I’m not sure it makes much difference to the children and as we know, the children won’t remember their early years. My nanny is excellent with my child. Some of the SAHMs I know are actually making huge parenting mistakes that maybe could be avoided if they weren’t the sole childcare provider for their child.

All of this being said, you need a new job. Working for $35k at your age is silly. Your benefits are terrible. I realize some people can’t find better jobs, but I assume you can. You should quit once the baby comes and then around 5 months postpartum try and find a new job. One with some flexibility so you spend enough time with your child. Just don’t stay out of the workforce too long and try to find a job where you can return if you have a second kid (at least 4 months of unpaid leave)

This is a ridiculous list. I SAH, and could say all the following:

1. I enjoy my job (stay at home), and we have high HHI.
2. I enjoy getting out of the house and interacting with other moms/kids. I also enjoy going out once a week on my own (I'm the PP who has a babysitter once a week) to run errands, work in a coffee shop, etc.
3. My DH and I are equals. Staying at home doesn't change that.
4. I have my own retirement account. That was a priority for us.
5. I DO have my own identity. Sorry your SAHM moms are boring; maybe you're boring too. I, on the other hand, have several hobbies, and I certainly still connect with my prior career in terms of identity/interests.

Yes, I'm staying home for me as much as for my kids/family. I think kids who are raised by working moms and in the care of nannies or daycare providers are just as lucky as kids raised by stay-at-home moms.

You make a lot of judgements about SAHMs that are just ridiculous.

OP you should read this list and understand that many SAHMs will find it ridiculous. Are you the kind of person who thinks having your own retirement account, identity and enjoying your job are ridiculous?

NP (and incidentally, a working parent) and I truthfully am sad for people like you. Do you really believe your entire identity is wrapped up in your job, and think you would not have your own identity if you didn't work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a baby around the same time as many of my friends and definitely have noticed a big difference in the marriages of SAHMs and working moms. I work for many reasons.

1. I really enjoy my job and I earn a relatively high salary (200k+) with flexible hours.
2. I enjoy getting out of the house and the interaction I have with other adults during the work week.
3. One of the main factors for me is that my husband contributes at home and we are equals. I would resent doing all of the housework, planning, organizing etc but maybe you don’t mind this.
4. I want my own retirement account.
5. I don’t want my entire life to only be about my husband and child. I have my own identity. My SAHM friends have become more boring and overly focused on their child as time goes by.

I’ve also noticed that many SAHMs think they are staying home for the benefit of their child but really it’s for them. And that’s fine. But I’m not sure it makes much difference to the children and as we know, the children won’t remember their early years. My nanny is excellent with my child. Some of the SAHMs I know are actually making huge parenting mistakes that maybe could be avoided if they weren’t the sole childcare provider for their child.

All of this being said, you need a new job. Working for $35k at your age is silly. Your benefits are terrible. I realize some people can’t find better jobs, but I assume you can. You should quit once the baby comes and then around 5 months postpartum try and find a new job. One with some flexibility so you spend enough time with your child. Just don’t stay out of the workforce too long and try to find a job where you can return if you have a second kid (at least 4 months of unpaid leave)

I agree 100% with all of this.

There is a VERY clear difference between most SAHM marriages and working mother marriages. Especially as the kids get older.

Yes, I've noticed this too. Working mother marriages are more likely to end in divorce. And the working mothers are fatter

Because those women aren't dependent on their husbands. Wow, you're not very bright.

...so their husbands all want to leave them, but they are invoking some top secret law to make them stay? Wow, you must not live in this country.

[Anonymous]

I SAH for five years, kept my contacts, and so was very lucky to go back. At first it was consulting projects when needed, then part-time and now full-time. My DH never once made me feel less than nor ever resented me doing so. We discussed before kids and it’s what we both wanted for our family.

As you are coming from the non-profit or NGO world in refugee sector, with salary limitations most likely for the duration, I would SAH now and go to grad school to get an education degree to teach ESOL. You’d likely make 45k in the surrounding jurisdictions, have snow days, holiday vacations, and summers off to be able to provide the care your family needs as if your dh makes partner he likely will not be around. This way, you could work but not have to pay daycare ( or very little.)

Use this time to explore other paths. Or, have a heart to heart with DH and get him to be honest about how or if this changes your relationship.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a baby around the same time as many of my friends and definitely have noticed a big difference in the marriages of SAHMs and working moms. I work for many reasons.

1. I really enjoy my job and I earn a relatively high salary (200k+) with flexible hours.
2. I enjoy getting out of the house and the interaction I have with other adults during the work week.
3. One of the main factors for me is that my husband contributes at home and we are equals. I would resent doing all of the housework, planning, organizing etc but maybe you don’t mind this.
4. I want my own retirement account.
5. I don’t want my entire life to only be about my husband and child. I have my own identity. My SAHM friends have become more boring and overly focused on their child as time goes by.

I’ve also noticed that many SAHMs think they are staying home for the benefit of their child but really it’s for them. And that’s fine. But I’m not sure it makes much difference to the children and as we know, the children won’t remember their early years. My nanny is excellent with my child. Some of the SAHMs I know are actually making huge parenting mistakes that maybe could be avoided if they weren’t the sole childcare provider for their child.

All of this being said, you need a new job. Working for $35k at your age is silly. Your benefits are terrible. I realize some people can’t find better jobs, but I assume you can. You should quit once the baby comes and then around 5 months postpartum try and find a new job. One with some flexibility so you spend enough time with your child. Just don’t stay out of the workforce too long and try to find a job where you can return if you have a second kid (at least 4 months of unpaid leave)

This is a ridiculous list. I SAH, and could say all the following:

1. I enjoy my job (stay at home), and we have high HHI.
2. I enjoy getting out of the house and interacting with other moms/kids. I also enjoy going out once a week on my own (I'm the PP who has a babysitter once a week) to run errands, work in a coffee shop, etc.
3. My DH and I are equals. Staying at home doesn't change that.
4. I have my own retirement account. That was a priority for us.
5. I DO have my own identity. Sorry your SAHM moms are boring; maybe you're boring too. I, on the other hand, have several hobbies, and I certainly still connect with my prior career in terms of identity/interests.

Yes, I'm staying home for me as much as for my kids/family. I think kids who are raised by working moms and in the care of nannies or daycare providers are just as lucky as kids raised by stay-at-home moms.

You make a lot of judgements about SAHMs that are just ridiculous.

Well it’s easy to notice how our SAHM friends are treated by their husbands and the fact their husbands go off to earn money every day while their wives stay home and act as an unpaid nanny and maid.

That’s great you have your own retirement account but you’re obviously not contributing to it now. Unless you are referring to the small amount you can put in a Roth.

You can refer to the HHI as yours all you want but I guarantee your husband doesn’t view it that way. He may not ever admit this to you because he isn’t dumb, but deep down he probably feels it’s entirely his paycheck. I think you’re fooling yourself if you think otherwise.

Also most men with SAHMs seem to act as though they are doing their wife a favor. Staying at home is actually harder for most women. Why would I take on a harder job that isn’t even paid?

Husband with a SAHM wife here and yes, I assure you, I absolutely 1000% DO think of it as "our" HHI. We are a team. She is just as integral to the household and our family as I am; it is our money through and through. I've never thought like you're implying everyone does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a baby around the same time as many of my friends and definitely have noticed a big difference in the marriages of SAHMs and working moms. I work for many reasons.

1. I really enjoy my job and I earn a relatively high salary (200k+) with flexible hours.
2. I enjoy getting out of the house and the interaction I have with other adults during the work week.
3. One of the main factors for me is that my husband contributes at home and we are equals. I would resent doing all of the housework, planning, organizing etc but maybe you don’t mind this.
4. I want my own retirement account.
5. I don’t want my entire life to only be about my husband and child. I have my own identity. My SAHM friends have become more boring and overly focused on their child as time goes by.

I’ve also noticed that many SAHMs think they are staying home for the benefit of their child but really it’s for them. And that’s fine. But I’m not sure it makes much difference to the children and as we know, the children won’t remember their early years. My nanny is excellent with my child. Some of the SAHMs I know are actually making huge parenting mistakes that maybe could be avoided if they weren’t the sole childcare provider for their child.

All of this being said, you need a new job. Working for $35k at your age is silly. Your benefits are terrible. I realize some people can’t find better jobs, but I assume you can. You should quit once the baby comes and then around 5 months postpartum try and find a new job. One with some flexibility so you spend enough time with your child. Just don’t stay out of the workforce too long and try to find a job where you can return if you have a second kid (at least 4 months of unpaid leave)

This is a ridiculous list. I SAH, and could say all the following:

1. I enjoy my job (stay at home), and we have high HHI.
2. I enjoy getting out of the house and interacting with other moms/kids. I also enjoy going out once a week on my own (I'm the PP who has a babysitter once a week) to run errands, work in a coffee shop, etc.
3. My DH and I are equals. Staying at home doesn't change that.
4. I have my own retirement account. That was a priority for us.
5. I DO have my own identity. Sorry your SAHM moms are boring; maybe you're boring too. I, on the other hand, have several hobbies, and I certainly still connect with my prior career in terms of identity/interests.

Yes, I'm staying home for me as much as for my kids/family. I think kids who are raised by working moms and in the care of nannies or daycare providers are just as lucky as kids raised by stay-at-home moms.

You make a lot of judgements about SAHMs that are just ridiculous.

OP you should read this list and understand that many SAHMs will find it ridiculous. Are you the kind of person who thinks having your own retirement account, identity and enjoying your job are ridiculous?

NP (and incidentally, a working parent) and I truthfully am sad for people like you. Do you really believe your entire identity is wrapped up in your job, and think you would not have your own identity if you didn't work?

Of course not. But I do think it would be harder to have my own identity if I stayed at home. Why? I’m not indepdently wealthy so I’d have limited resources to take on hobbies if I stayed home. My husband’s salary is just a little more than OP’s and I would have a pretty basic but happy existence. My entire life would revolve around raising the children and tending to the home. I don’t want this.

I’m sure that as of this moment, OP does get a lot of her satisfaction from her job. There isn’t anything wrong with this. When you’ve succeeded in your career and earn your own paycheck, it can be really hard to give that up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a baby around the same time as many of my friends and definitely have noticed a big difference in the marriages of SAHMs and working moms. I work for many reasons.

1. I really enjoy my job and I earn a relatively high salary (200k+) with flexible hours.
2. I enjoy getting out of the house and the interaction I have with other adults during the work week.
3. One of the main factors for me is that my husband contributes at home and we are equals. I would resent doing all of the housework, planning, organizing etc but maybe you don’t mind this.
4. I want my own retirement account.
5. I don’t want my entire life to only be about my husband and child. I have my own identity. My SAHM friends have become more boring and overly focused on their child as time goes by.

I’ve also noticed that many SAHMs think they are staying home for the benefit of their child but really it’s for them. And that’s fine. But I’m not sure it makes much difference to the children and as we know, the children won’t remember their early years. My nanny is excellent with my child. Some of the SAHMs I know are actually making huge parenting mistakes that maybe could be avoided if they weren’t the sole childcare provider for their child.

All of this being said, you need a new job. Working for $35k at your age is silly. Your benefits are terrible. I realize some people can’t find better jobs, but I assume you can. You should quit once the baby comes and then around 5 months postpartum try and find a new job. One with some flexibility so you spend enough time with your child. Just don’t stay out of the workforce too long and try to find a job where you can return if you have a second kid (at least 4 months of unpaid leave)

This is a ridiculous list. I SAH, and could say all the following:

1. I enjoy my job (stay at home), and we have high HHI.
2. I enjoy getting out of the house and interacting with other moms/kids. I also enjoy going out once a week on my own (I'm the PP who has a babysitter once a week) to run errands, work in a coffee shop, etc.
3. My DH and I are equals. Staying at home doesn't change that.
4. I have my own retirement account. That was a priority for us.
5. I DO have my own identity. Sorry your SAHM moms are boring; maybe you're boring too. I, on the other hand, have several hobbies, and I certainly still connect with my prior career in terms of identity/interests.

Yes, I'm staying home for me as much as for my kids/family. I think kids who are raised by working moms and in the care of nannies or daycare providers are just as lucky as kids raised by stay-at-home moms.

You make a lot of judgements about SAHMs that are just ridiculous.

Well it’s easy to notice how our SAHM friends are treated by their husbands and the fact their husbands go off to earn money every day while their wives stay home and act as an unpaid nanny and maid.

That’s great you have your own retirement account but you’re obviously not contributing to it now. Unless you are referring to the small amount you can put in a Roth.

You can refer to the HHI as yours all you want but I guarantee your husband doesn’t view it that way. He may not ever admit this to you because he isn’t dumb, but deep down he probably feels it’s entirely his paycheck. I think you’re fooling yourself if you think otherwise.

Also most men with SAHMs seem to act as though they are doing their wife a favor. Staying at home is actually harder for most women. Why would I take on a harder job that isn’t even paid?

Husband with a SAHM wife here and yes, I assure you, I absolutely 1000% DO think of it as "our" HHI. We are a team. She is just as integral to the household and our family as I am; it is our money through and through. I've never thought like you're implying everyone does.

So if your wife left you, you’d be completely fine with splitting your income for the rest of your life? After all...it’s hers too!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Remember, OP, there is evidence that children of working mothers are better adjusted adults. There is NO benefit to the kids, so don't be swayed by that strawman.

Sounds to me like you need a new job.

I find it very hard to believe that the working mothers of DCUM are raising better adjusted adults than anyone!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a baby around the same time as many of my friends and definitely have noticed a big difference in the marriages of SAHMs and working moms. I work for many reasons.

1. I really enjoy my job and I earn a relatively high salary (200k+) with flexible hours.
2. I enjoy getting out of the house and the interaction I have with other adults during the work week.
3. One of the main factors for me is that my husband contributes at home and we are equals. I would resent doing all of the housework, planning, organizing etc but maybe you don’t mind this.
4. I want my own retirement account.
5. I don’t want my entire life to only be about my husband and child. I have my own identity. My SAHM friends have become more boring and overly focused on their child as time goes by.

I’ve also noticed that many SAHMs think they are staying home for the benefit of their child but really it’s for them. And that’s fine. But I’m not sure it makes much difference to the children and as we know, the children won’t remember their early years. My nanny is excellent with my child. Some of the SAHMs I know are actually making huge parenting mistakes that maybe could be avoided if they weren’t the sole childcare provider for their child.

All of this being said, you need a new job. Working for $35k at your age is silly. Your benefits are terrible. I realize some people can’t find better jobs, but I assume you can. You should quit once the baby comes and then around 5 months postpartum try and find a new job. One with some flexibility so you spend enough time with your child. Just don’t stay out of the workforce too long and try to find a job where you can return if you have a second kid (at least 4 months of unpaid leave)

This is a ridiculous list. I SAH, and could say all the following:

1. I enjoy my job (stay at home), and we have high HHI.
2. I enjoy getting out of the house and interacting with other moms/kids. I also enjoy going out once a week on my own (I'm the PP who has a babysitter once a week) to run errands, work in a coffee shop, etc.
3. My DH and I are equals. Staying at home doesn't change that.
4. I have my own retirement account. That was a priority for us.
5. I DO have my own identity. Sorry your SAHM moms are boring; maybe you're boring too. I, on the other hand, have several hobbies, and I certainly still connect with my prior career in terms of identity/interests.

Yes, I'm staying home for me as much as for my kids/family. I think kids who are raised by working moms and in the care of nannies or daycare providers are just as lucky as kids raised by stay-at-home moms.

You make a lot of judgements about SAHMs that are just ridiculous.

Well it’s easy to notice how our SAHM friends are treated by their husbands and the fact their husbands go off to earn money every day while their wives stay home and act as an unpaid nanny and maid.

That’s great you have your own retirement account but you’re obviously not contributing to it now. Unless you are referring to the small amount you can put in a Roth.

You can refer to the HHI as yours all you want but I guarantee your husband doesn’t view it that way. He may not ever admit this to you because he isn’t dumb, but deep down he probably feels it’s entirely his paycheck. I think you’re fooling yourself if you think otherwise.

Also most men with SAHMs seem to act as though they are doing their wife a favor. Staying at home is actually harder for most women. Why would I take on a harder job that isn’t even paid?

I personally don’t care whatever my husband thinks about whether it’s ‘his’ or ‘our paycheck.’ What does the law say? If my husband ends up having an affair (god forbid) and I decide to leave him, will I get 50 percent of the assets... half of his retirement accounts and half of the money in our checking and savings account?

If I don’t get half of everything I’m basically screwed because I’ve been a sahm for the past 10 years and could only get a low paying retail type job at this point! I don’t think about this possibility because I love my husband and assume he’ll always be faithful but to be honest it does cross my mind once in a while since I’ve heard of other women in this situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you want to stay home and your DH agrees, you don't need to ask DCUM for permission.

I am a SAHM with a kid in middle school. My DH is retired - he was a litigator. I was a lawyer prekid. We have a nice relaxing sressfree life. Very happy. Works for us.

Her DH doesn't agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I worked in biglaw for many years. The next 2-3 will determine whether he becomes partner. Is he in a recession-proof area? It is good news that they have talked to him about his path. Things outside of his control could still derail his plans (like the economy tanking and he is a real estate finance attorney), but I would feel pretty good based on what you have said.

OP the things they said are definitely promising but don’t start counting your money before you get it...

This is kind of old but note the “high end” is mid teens: https://abovethelaw.com/2015/08/which-biglaw-firms-promote-the-most-and-least-to-partnership/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Remember, OP, there is evidence that children of working mothers are better adjusted adults. There is NO benefit to the kids, so don't be swayed by that strawman.

Sounds to me like you need a new job.

I find it very hard to believe that the working mothers of DCUM are raising better adjusted adults than anyone!

Ha! +a million

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a baby around the same time as many of my friends and definitely have noticed a big difference in the marriages of SAHMs and working moms. I work for many reasons.

1. I really enjoy my job and I earn a relatively high salary (200k+) with flexible hours.
2. I enjoy getting out of the house and the interaction I have with other adults during the work week.
3. One of the main factors for me is that my husband contributes at home and we are equals. I would resent doing all of the housework, planning, organizing etc but maybe you don’t mind this.
4. I want my own retirement account.
5. I don’t want my entire life to only be about my husband and child. I have my own identity. My SAHM friends have become more boring and overly focused on their child as time goes by.

I’ve also noticed that many SAHMs think they are staying home for the benefit of their child but really it’s for them. And that’s fine. But I’m not sure it makes much difference to the children and as we know, the children won’t remember their early years. My nanny is excellent with my child. Some of the SAHMs I know are actually making huge parenting mistakes that maybe could be avoided if they weren’t the sole childcare provider for their child.

All of this being said, you need a new job. Working for $35k at your age is silly. Your benefits are terrible. I realize some people can’t find better jobs, but I assume you can. You should quit once the baby comes and then around 5 months postpartum try and find a new job. One with some flexibility so you spend enough time with your child. Just don’t stay out of the workforce too long and try to find a job where you can return if you have a second kid (at least 4 months of unpaid leave)

This is a ridiculous list. I SAH, and could say all the following:

1. I enjoy my job (stay at home), and we have high HHI.
2. I enjoy getting out of the house and interacting with other moms/kids. I also enjoy going out once a week on my own (I'm the PP who has a babysitter once a week) to run errands, work in a coffee shop, etc.
3. My DH and I are equals. Staying at home doesn't change that.
4. I have my own retirement account. That was a priority for us.
5. I DO have my own identity. Sorry your SAHM moms are boring; maybe you're boring too. I, on the other hand, have several hobbies, and I certainly still connect with my prior career in terms of identity/interests.

Yes, I'm staying home for me as much as for my kids/family. I think kids who are raised by working moms and in the care of nannies or daycare providers are just as lucky as kids raised by stay-at-home moms.

You make a lot of judgements about SAHMs that are just ridiculous.

Well it’s easy to notice how our SAHM friends are treated by their husbands and the fact their husbands go off to earn money every day while their wives stay home and act as an unpaid nanny and maid.

That’s great you have your own retirement account but you’re obviously not contributing to it now. Unless you are referring to the small amount you can put in a Roth.

You can refer to the HHI as yours all you want but I guarantee your husband doesn’t view it that way. He may not ever admit this to you because he isn’t dumb, but deep down he probably feels it’s entirely his paycheck. I think you’re fooling yourself if you think otherwise.

Also most men with SAHMs seem to act as though they are doing their wife a favor. Staying at home is actually harder for most women. Why would I take on a harder job that isn’t even paid?

Husband with a SAHM wife here and yes, I assure you, I absolutely 1000% DO think of it as "our" HHI. We are a team. She is just as integral to the household and our family as I am; it is our money through and through. I've never thought like you're implying everyone does.

So if your wife left you, you’d be completely fine with splitting your income for the rest of your life? After all...it’s hers too!

What a stupid remark. You are obviously not bright.

PP stated that they are a TEAM, therefore, she is just as integral to the FAMILY unit and HOUSEHOLD as he is... However, if she left - then obviously they are no longer a TEAM or HOUSEHOLD - don't be stupid.

[Anonymous]

Guy here with wife who has stayed at home with kids for nearly ten years now. Slightly different consideration in that she was a big firm lawyer before deciding to stay home, and I am a partner at a law firm. Some things to consider:

1. The inherent dynamics of respect and appreciation currently in your relationship will inform how you each respond to the new dynamic. I very much appreciate all my wife does, and she appreciates all I do. We work together to make it work.

2. It is true that it is a lot of pressure to be the sole breadwinner, and being a senior associate is sort of a pivotal time period for most big law lawyers. That is when you are figuring out whether you will stick around the firm, lateral, go in house, try to work for the govt, etc.

3. Something discussed a lot in this thread, which is true, is that it can be hard to get back into the game once you have more time. So finding a way to keep somewhat active in your field is probably a good plan. Even if it is just networking.

4. Something that is not discussed much in this thread is that choice for us was whether to have one of us be the primary caretaker of our child (then, children), or whether we wanted someone else to be. To us, it was important that our kids be raised by parents and not daycare, as much as possible. And even with generous leave, it seemed insane to us to leave a relatively brand new baby with strangers. But that was us. All the logistical and financial concerns were a distant second.

5. DC is an expensive place to live. It sounds though like you will actually have a net gain in income from staying home, although long term it might be a loss if you are out of the job market for a long time. But again, those financial considerations are secondary. But it does put a lot of pressure on the sole earner to make a lot of money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a baby around the same time as many of my friends and definitely have noticed a big difference in the marriages of SAHMs and working moms. I work for many reasons.

1. I really enjoy my job and I earn a relatively high salary (200k+) with flexible hours.
2. I enjoy getting out of the house and the interaction I have with other adults during the work week.
3. One of the main factors for me is that my husband contributes at home and we are equals. I would resent doing all of the housework, planning, organizing etc but maybe you don’t mind this.
4. I want my own retirement account.
5. I don’t want my entire life to only be about my husband and child. I have my own identity. My SAHM friends have become more boring and overly focused on their child as time goes by.

I’ve also noticed that many SAHMs think they are staying home for the benefit of their child but really it’s for them. And that’s fine. But I’m not sure it makes much difference to the children and as we know, the children won’t remember their early years. My nanny is excellent with my child. Some of the SAHMs I know are actually making huge parenting mistakes that maybe could be avoided if they weren’t the sole childcare provider for their child.

All of this being said, you need a new job. Working for $35k at your age is silly. Your benefits are terrible. I realize some people can’t find better jobs, but I assume you can. You should quit once the baby comes and then around 5 months postpartum try and find a new job. One with some flexibility so you spend enough time with your child. Just don’t stay out of the workforce too long and try to find a job where you can return if you have a second kid (at least 4 months of unpaid leave)

This is a ridiculous list. I SAH, and could say all the following:

1. I enjoy my job (stay at home), and we have high HHI.
2. I enjoy getting out of the house and interacting with other moms/kids. I also enjoy going out once a week on my own (I'm the PP who has a babysitter once a week) to run errands, work in a coffee shop, etc.
3. My DH and I are equals. Staying at home doesn't change that.
4. I have my own retirement account. That was a priority for us.
5. I DO have my own identity. Sorry your SAHM moms are boring; maybe you're boring too. I, on the other hand, have several hobbies, and I certainly still connect with my prior career in terms of identity/interests.

Yes, I'm staying home for me as much as for my kids/family. I think kids who are raised by working moms and in the care of nannies or daycare providers are just as lucky as kids raised by stay-at-home moms.

You make a lot of judgements about SAHMs that are just ridiculous.

Well it’s easy to notice how our SAHM friends are treated by their husbands and the fact their husbands go off to earn money every day while their wives stay home and act as an unpaid nanny and maid.

That’s great you have your own retirement account but you’re obviously not contributing to it now. Unless you are referring to the small amount you can put in a Roth.

You can refer to the HHI as yours all you want but I guarantee your husband doesn’t view it that way. He may not ever admit this to you because he isn’t dumb, but deep down he probably feels it’s entirely his paycheck. I think you’re fooling yourself if you think otherwise.

Also most men with SAHMs seem to act as though they are doing their wife a favor. Staying at home is actually harder for most women. Why would I take on a harder job that isn’t even paid?

I personally don’t care whatever my husband thinks about whether it’s ‘his’ or ‘our paycheck.’ What does the law say? If my husband ends up having an affair (god forbid) and I decide to leave him, will I get 50 percent of the assets... half of his retirement accounts and half of the money in our checking and savings account?

If I don’t get half of everything I’m basically screwed because I’ve been a sahm for the past 10 years and could only get a low paying retail type job at this point! I don’t think about this possibility because I love my husband and assume he’ll always be faithful but to be honest it does cross my mind once in a while since I’ve heard of other women in this situation.

Depends on where you live, but most likely they would calculate the length of marriage. If your accounts were started at that time then yes you both would get half. I would get half of everything plus 100% of a sizable pre-marital asset I kept separate.

I have working friends with careers that wouldn't be as well off. Whether a woman stays at home, or advances a career it's probably wise to have a back-up plan. Also, living above ones means with debt is a big problem for many regardless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a baby around the same time as many of my friends and definitely have noticed a big difference in the marriages of SAHMs and working moms. I work for many reasons.

1. I really enjoy my job and I earn a relatively high salary (200k+) with flexible hours.
2. I enjoy getting out of the house and the interaction I have with other adults during the work week.
3. One of the main factors for me is that my husband contributes at home and we are equals. I would resent doing all of the housework, planning, organizing etc but maybe you don’t mind this.
4. I want my own retirement account.
5. I don’t want my entire life to only be about my husband and child. I have my own identity. My SAHM friends have become more boring and overly focused on their child as time goes by.

I’ve also noticed that many SAHMs think they are staying home for the benefit of their child but really it’s for them. And that’s fine. But I’m not sure it makes much difference to the children and as we know, the children won’t remember their early years. My nanny is excellent with my child. Some of the SAHMs I know are actually making huge parenting mistakes that maybe could be avoided if they weren’t the sole childcare provider for their child.

All of this being said, you need a new job. Working for $35k at your age is silly. Your benefits are terrible. I realize some people can’t find better jobs, but I assume you can. You should quit once the baby comes and then around 5 months postpartum try and find a new job. One with some flexibility so you spend enough time with your child. Just don’t stay out of the workforce too long and try to find a job where you can return if you have a second kid (at least 4 months of unpaid leave)

This is a ridiculous list. I SAH, and could say all the following:

1. I enjoy my job (stay at home), and we have high HHI.
2. I enjoy getting out of the house and interacting with other moms/kids. I also enjoy going out once a week on my own (I'm the PP who has a babysitter once a week) to run errands, work in a coffee shop, etc.
3. My DH and I are equals. Staying at home doesn't change that.
4. I have my own retirement account. That was a priority for us.
5. I DO have my own identity. Sorry your SAHM moms are boring; maybe you're boring too. I, on the other hand, have several hobbies, and I certainly still connect with my prior career in terms of identity/interests.

Yes, I'm staying home for me as much as for my kids/family. I think kids who are raised by working moms and in the care of nannies or daycare providers are just as lucky as kids raised by stay-at-home moms.

You make a lot of judgements about SAHMs that are just ridiculous.

Well it’s easy to notice how our SAHM friends are treated by their husbands and the fact their husbands go off to earn money every day while their wives stay home and act as an unpaid nanny and maid.

That’s great you have your own retirement account but you’re obviously not contributing to it now. Unless you are referring to the small amount you can put in a Roth.

You can refer to the HHI as yours all you want but I guarantee your husband doesn’t view it that way. He may not ever admit this to you because he isn’t dumb, but deep down he probably feels it’s entirely his paycheck. I think you’re fooling yourself if you think otherwise.

Also most men with SAHMs seem to act as though they are doing their wife a favor. Staying at home is actually harder for most women. Why would I take on a harder job that isn’t even paid?

Husband with a SAHM wife here and yes, I assure you, I absolutely 1000% DO think of it as "our" HHI. We are a team. She is just as integral to the household and our family as I am; it is our money through and through. I've never thought like you're implying everyone does.

So if your wife left you, you’d be completely fine with splitting your income for the rest of your life? After all...it’s hers too!

While married whoever earns the income it's joint.

After divorce you both go your own way except for any kind of court ordered support etc.