Marriage dynamics - one vs two income households

[Anonymous]

Some of the arguments in this thread are absurd.

Rates of divorce among working women are higher because those women have options. They don’t have to stay dependent or in an unhappy situation. It boggles my mind that any SAHM would use that as an argument to stay home.

OP, you are making a lot of assumptions before you have a kid. Please keep your eyes open and don’t say things like “I don’t care if he does anything around the house.” That may well change - You have absolutely no idea what it is like to take care of children full-time until you have them. And I personally like for my kids to see both me and my husband taking care of them and doing stuff around the house. You know, equality and all that. YMMV.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you seem pretty cut out to be a law partners wife and outsource things and manage the house. your mom did a version of it too. I think this is a pretty clear choice, as the downsides to other ppl honestly don't seem to apply here.

Except that he’s not a partner. And OP let’s see how willing you are to deal with things like the lawn when you have kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a baby around the same time as many of my friends and definitely have noticed a big difference in the marriages of SAHMs and working moms. I work for many reasons.

1. I really enjoy my job and I earn a relatively high salary (200k+) with flexible hours.
2. I enjoy getting out of the house and the interaction I have with other adults during the work week.
3. One of the main factors for me is that my husband contributes at home and we are equals. I would resent doing all of the housework, planning, organizing etc but maybe you don’t mind this.
4. I want my own retirement account.
5. I don’t want my entire life to only be about my husband and child. I have my own identity. My SAHM friends have become more boring and overly focused on their child as time goes by.

I’ve also noticed that many SAHMs think they are staying home for the benefit of their child but really it’s for them. And that’s fine. But I’m not sure it makes much difference to the children and as we know, the children won’t remember their early years. My nanny is excellent with my child. Some of the SAHMs I know are actually making huge parenting mistakes that maybe could be avoided if they weren’t the sole childcare provider for their child.

All of this being said, you need a new job. Working for $35k at your age is silly. Your benefits are terrible. I realize some people can’t find better jobs, but I assume you can. You should quit once the baby comes and then around 5 months postpartum try and find a new job. One with some flexibility so you spend enough time with your child. Just don’t stay out of the workforce too long and try to find a job where you can return if you have a second kid (at least 4 months of unpaid leave)

I agree 100% with all of this.

There is a VERY clear difference between most SAHM marriages and working mother marriages. Especially as the kids get older.

Yes, I've noticed this too. Working mother marriages are more likely to end in divorce. And the working mothers are fatter

This is true. DH and I have been married for 29 years. I SAH until our youngest started middle school then went back part time. All the couples we know who are divorced are dual income. I think the stress of that life sometimes creates a lot of resentment. Also, I simply do not believe working is better for babies and young children. How could it possibly be better for a child to spend 12 hours a day away from his mother? That goes against any logic. I guess maybe it makes sense if you are a crappy mother. But babies belong with their mothers. We are literally designed to keep them close. I understand that many people gave no choice. But it's certainly not ideal.

LOL nice trolling. And very few babies of working parents spend 12 hours a day away from them.

[Anonymous]

LOL @ the claim working moms are fatter. I guess it depends on your job, but the ones in my field are definitely slimmer than the SAHMs or just as slim.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you seem pretty cut out to be a law partners wife and outsource things and manage the house. your mom did a version of it too. I think this is a pretty clear choice, as the downsides to other ppl honestly don't seem to apply here.

Except that he’s not a partner. And OP let’s see how willing you are to deal with things like the lawn when you have kids.

She said she'd be fine outsourcing that previously. Although I agree to not quit your job until he is partner if that even happens because it probably won't.

[Anonymous]

Op what are you find some stay at home moms of multiple young kids whose husbands are partners. I know a number of them and most of them are miserable.

I also know a woman who is in this position and lost custody of her kids and ended up on a friends couch. True story.

[Anonymous]

OP, I would say just quit if you hate your job entirely and see no purpose behind it. But it sounds like you care a lot about the refugees you serve and derive a lot of satisfaction from that and you'd miss that if you were at home all day.

[Anonymous]

No clear why OP posted.

She claims this was the set-up from the beginning, similar to her parents: She runs the house, he focuses on his office job.

Done and done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, you either need to get a new job that makes more in your field or you need to switch careers. Your current job sounds terrible and I don't think you are happy if you are posting here. Or just stay home as you seem to want that.

She doesn't care, she's just biding time until the kid comes and posting on DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn't stay home and it is so much more stressful with two working. Just stay home. Make your house a home. Make your marriage a priority. I am now trying to fix the mess we have made over 13 years of too much stress.

lemme guess, you also did everything for 13 years whilst DH did minimal anything outside of his job obligations he so-clearly prioritized. now you do "do everything" to fix it. Hmm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you seem pretty cut out to be a law partners wife and outsource things and manage the house. your mom did a version of it too. I think this is a pretty clear choice, as the downsides to other ppl honestly don't seem to apply here.

Except that he’s not a partner. And OP let’s see how willing you are to deal with things like the lawn when you have kids.

Maybe they get $10-20k a month in trust fund.

There are tons of sr associate lawyers in DC and NYC, she seems pretty laid back about it all so I'd guess they have a lot of family money and connections on top of the routine Big Law job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you seem pretty cut out to be a law partners wife and outsource things and manage the house. your mom did a version of it too. I think this is a pretty clear choice, as the downsides to other ppl honestly don't seem to apply here.

Except that he’s not a partner. And OP let’s see how willing you are to deal with things like the lawn when you have kids.

Maybe they get $10-20k a month in trust fund.

There are tons of sr associate lawyers in DC and NYC, she seems pretty laid back about it all so I'd guess they have a lot of family money and connections on top of the routine Big Law job.

Probably. She mentioned her dad was CEO or something and willingly took a lower paying job. If only we can all live such an easy life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you seem pretty cut out to be a law partners wife and outsource things and manage the house. your mom did a version of it too. I think this is a pretty clear choice, as the downsides to other ppl honestly don't seem to apply here.

Except that he’s not a partner. And OP let’s see how willing you are to deal with things like the lawn when you have kids.

Maybe they get $10-20k a month in trust fund.

There are tons of sr associate lawyers in DC and NYC, she seems pretty laid back about it all so I'd guess they have a lot of family money and connections on top of the routine Big Law job.

If this is the case, she should stay home. I would give anything to stay home. The pictures texted from my nanny share make me sad throughout the day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you seem pretty cut out to be a law partners wife and outsource things and manage the house. your mom did a version of it too. I think this is a pretty clear choice, as the downsides to other ppl honestly don't seem to apply here.

Except that he’s not a partner. And OP let’s see how willing you are to deal with things like the lawn when you have kids.

Maybe they get $10-20k a month in trust fund.

There are tons of sr associate lawyers in DC and NYC, she seems pretty laid back about it all so I'd guess they have a lot of family money and connections on top of the routine Big Law job.

agree, even if it's not currently paying out, knowing you have your kids' private school banked or a big inheritance via your parent's wealth is a huge safety net that makes a lot of potential stresses melt away.

[Anonymous]

OP here again. I knew this might be a lively discussion but wow. As I've said before, I will wait and decide after DC is born what my next steps are. Also, we do not have a trust fund or fancy connections. We do live in a modest home and save way more than we make. My biggest thing is that I want our lives not have added unnecessary stress. And our DC should have at least one parent at every event as I remember being appreciative of my mom being there for things when I was little. I will make the best decision for my family based on what is store down the road. I will take everyone's advice as I make my decision so thank you all.