Marriage dynamics - one vs two income households

[Anonymous]

I know this has been discussed before. I'm expecting my first DC in less than a month (we're mid 30s; married 10 years), and daycare is going to cost more than my income. I work at a NGO and make 35k/year. DH is a big law associate (6L) and works long hours in litigation. I already have to do everything around the house although we do pay for cleaners to help once a month - and when I say everything I mean everything, such as I painted the house when we first bought it, fix broken things, take care of the yard/mow, grocery stop/pack lunches, etc. I got no issues doing it all because my DH is very appreciative and constantly shows it; also there is no fixing this beyond only adding more help - lawn people, more frequently cleaning, handymen, etc. Maybe it's my tired, pregnant brain, but I'm considering staying home once we add a kid to the mix.

So my question is, how are people's relationships affected if one is a stay at home?

[Anonymous]

Don't do it.

[Anonymous]

Part time worked for me. I stayed at work, which was helpful for sanity, and kept my career moving along. It was like a mini vacation for me on work days. But being at home with kids was amazing, if a LOT of work.

Consider it.

[Anonymous]

If you're making $35k, and he's making over $200k, then any adverse dynamic that might be caused by an earnings disparity would already be present.

I don't see the point of paying people more to watch your kid than you're actually bringing home. That's when it becomes a hobby job.

Cue all the outrage about "keep your foot in the door!" but that's baloney. You're presumably intelligent and educated. You can find another $35k job in five or seven years. They're not hard to come by.

[Anonymous]

I have never regretted staying at home with my children. Not one time, ever. I went back to work part time when my youngest was in middle school. The dynamics in our marriage did not change when I quit working. We have different, but equally important roles.

[Anonymous]

It's very individual. Has not been a problem in my marriage, and wasn't for my parents. In your shoes I'd SAH, but I also had conversations with DH when we were dating that I intended to stay home when my kids were little.

[Anonymous]

DW works for a government agency and is pretty senior. Has been there for almost her entire career. I work in the private sector and my
job involves travel. I make more than she does. Combined we clear 450-500k but her job is sooo stable and it provides enough that in the event I lost my job we could pay our bills and regroup easily. Yes, it takes work and a lot of juggling. But she has the flexibility to telecommute some days. We are in our 30s and plan to keep this going as long as we can, save as much as we can and say f*** it all in 15-20 years because this town sucks.

[Anonymous]

If you already have a good dynamic, I don't think your staying home is going to negatively affect it. I think just having a kid affects a marriage more. You should be realistic that there are some things you might want to outsource at least while you're pregnant and maybe for the first year or so .. maybe yard care? Some people think being home with an infant means a lot of free time, but there is a lot of hands-on time with a baby and getting any appreciable chunk of time to complete something from start to finish can be hard.

My other concerns would be a resume gap and just having enough adult interaction and mental stimulation. It's not for everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you're making $35k, and he's making over $200k, then any adverse dynamic that might be caused by an earnings disparity would already be present.

I don't see the point of paying people more to watch your kid than you're actually bringing home. That's when it becomes a hobby job.

Cue all the outrage about "keep your foot in the door!" but that's baloney. You're presumably intelligent and educated. You can find another $35k job in five or seven years. They're not hard to come by.

I agree in general but to an extent. Not everyone can put off working again for 5-7 years. Maybe OP gets a lot out of being in an office environment. Maybe her personal sanity is at risk if she were to become a SAHM. Not all women can do it. I would keep a foot in the door, perhaps work part time, just to make sure OP can stay at home full time. If she can, then be a SAHM

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's very individual. Has not been a problem in my marriage, and wasn't for my parents. In your shoes I'd SAH, but I also had conversations with DH when we were dating that I intended to stay home when my kids were little.

+1

Talk honestly and openly about it. So long as you are on the same page, you will be fine. Keep in mind that, if you continue to work full-time at a $35k/year job after having a kid, your husband will be (effectively) paying for you to work, because you will be spending more on outsourcing than you will be bringing in. This was/is our situation, and as the biglaw spouse, I wish my spouse would just stay home and save us a bunch of money and make our lives much saner.

[Anonymous]

I would say that going part-time is probably the best option. And get a nanny for the time you work. Get one that can also cover date nights and things of that nature.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I guess I'm just worried about being dependent on my DH even though in reality I am now given his income vastly exceeds mine. I work in refugee resettlement and this work environment right now is, well, sad and exhausting. DH ideally doesn't want me to stay home until IF he makes partner for more security, which won't be for a few year if it does happen.

[Anonymous]

Not worth it to pay the daycare just so you can work

[Anonymous]

I would get a higher paying job. Working for the salary is stupid with our without kids if you’re able to find a higher paying job.

[Anonymous]

I made about as much as DH (six figures), but I still took a year off with the first. After the 2nd came along, I quit completely for a couple of years. I did go back PT, WFH, but, if I couldn't do that, I would not have gone back FT. Way too stressful on the family. It wasn't an easy decision. DH didn't like being the sole bread winner, but eventually, we moved to a lower col area so that we could live comfortably on just one income. I still work off and on as a contractor, but right now, there is no way I would want both of us to be working FT out of the house if we don't have to.

At your salary, it makes zero financial sense for you to continue working. But, if your desire is to eventually go back to work, not just for financial reasons, then maybe go back PT or something. Or go into contracting where you can take a chunk of time off.

As for the marriage dynamic, unless your DH is a douche, he shouldn't treat you any differently and, as you said, be appreciative of all that you do. My DH did appreciate that house chores and cooking were all done, and he didn't have to do any of that on top of a long work day and commute.

You will also appreciate that you don't have to work being sleep deprived and having to pump at work. It's a luxury in this country. Take it if you can.