Marriage dynamics - one vs two income households

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you seem pretty cut out to be a law partners wife and outsource things and manage the house. your mom did a version of it too. I think this is a pretty clear choice, as the downsides to other ppl honestly don't seem to apply here.

Except that he’s not a partner. And OP let’s see how willing you are to deal with things like the lawn when you have kids.

Maybe they get $10-20k a month in trust fund.

There are tons of sr associate lawyers in DC and NYC, she seems pretty laid back about it all so I'd guess they have a lot of family money and connections on top of the routine Big Law job.

agree, even if it's not currently paying out, knowing you have your kids' private school banked or a big inheritance via your parent's wealth is a huge safety net that makes a lot of potential stresses melt away.

OP here and it sure would help melt some stress. I know my family is on the wealthy side, but I have no idea if and what I'll inherit if anything. My parents are pretty religious so I bet they'll leave a fair amount to the Catholic Church. But, who knows. It seems a bit rude to ask.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know this has been discussed before. I'm expecting my first DC in less than a month (we're mid 30s; married 10 years), and daycare is going to cost more than my income. I work at a NGO and make 35k/year. DH is a big law associate (6L) and works long hours in litigation. I already have to do everything around the house although we do pay for cleaners to help once a month - and when I say everything I mean everything, such as I painted the house when we first bought it, fix broken things, take care of the yard/mow, grocery stop/pack lunches, etc. I got no issues doing it all because my DH is very appreciative and constantly shows it; also there is no fixing this beyond only adding more help - lawn people, more frequently cleaning, handymen, etc. Maybe it's my tired, pregnant brain, but I'm considering staying home once we add a kid to the mix.

So my question is, how are people's relationships affected if one is a stay at home?

Fine, but most hand off the kids to the Working Spouse once s/he gets home, especially with little kids under age 6. 15 hour days with babies, toddlers and PK'ers is not all fun and games.
Helps to get a routine going, get out of the house, get them in morning school once old enough.
Also helps to take girl trips, couple trips, family trips.
I think we traveled with one set of grandparents, the ones who liked to vacation, when the kids were young since my husband had clients and unfortunately worked through most vacations.
I also worked full-time with occasional travel, but was making $400k in an industry I loved so was not going to quit that. If I made under $100k, and certainly $35k (this frankly falls into volunteer work for rich people), I would have stayed home or started my own business, nothing crazy. My spouse makes about double what I do, but it can be very volatile bonus money. We had a 40-50 hour a week nanny until youngest was 4 yo, then went with au pairs. The family schedule is nuts, but luckily I can organize and plan things quickly. Husband just tags along, frankly and continues to work too hard. His relationship with the kids suffers, and they have started to notice that other fathers are coaching, picking up from school, working at home, etc. while theirs barely knows what sports they are doing. Oh well, no time for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a baby around the same time as many of my friends and definitely have noticed a big difference in the marriages of SAHMs and working moms. I work for many reasons.

1. I really enjoy my job and I earn a relatively high salary (200k+) with flexible hours.
2. I enjoy getting out of the house and the interaction I have with other adults during the work week.
3. One of the main factors for me is that my husband contributes at home and we are equals. I would resent doing all of the housework, planning, organizing etc but maybe you don’t mind this.
4. I want my own retirement account.
5. I don’t want my entire life to only be about my husband and child. I have my own identity. My SAHM friends have become more boring and overly focused on their child as time goes by.

I’ve also noticed that many SAHMs think they are staying home for the benefit of their child but really it’s for them. And that’s fine. But I’m not sure it makes much difference to the children and as we know, the children won’t remember their early years. My nanny is excellent with my child. Some of the SAHMs I know are actually making huge parenting mistakes that maybe could be avoided if they weren’t the sole childcare provider for their child.

All of this being said, you need a new job. Working for $35k at your age is silly. Your benefits are terrible. I realize some people can’t find better jobs, but I assume you can. You should quit once the baby comes and then around 5 months postpartum try and find a new job. One with some flexibility so you spend enough time with your child. Just don’t stay out of the workforce too long and try to find a job where you can return if you have a second kid (at least 4 months of unpaid leave)

I agree 100% with all of this.

There is a VERY clear difference between most SAHM marriages and working mother marriages. Especially as the kids get older.

Yes, I've noticed this too. Working mother marriages are more likely to end in divorce. And the working mothers are fatter

This is true. DH and I have been married for 29 years. I SAH until our youngest started middle school then went back part time. All the couples we know who are divorced are dual income. I think the stress of that life sometimes creates a lot of resentment. Also, I simply do not believe working is better for babies and young children. How could it possibly be better for a child to spend 12 hours a day away from his mother? That goes against any logic. I guess maybe it makes sense if you are a crappy mother. But babies belong with their mothers. We are literally designed to keep them close. I understand that many people gave no choice. But it's certainly not ideal.

Absolutely agree. I really wish I could have stayed home's (couldn't afford to) - it felt absolutely unnatural to ship my kids off ALL day, and daycare is very rough on babies / toddlers. It's hard.

And yes, all of our friends who have divorced are dual income families, and I agree there's something to the idea that that lifestyle breeds resentment (and stress)

Well, all of our friends who have divorced had a SAHM. See how useless that information is?

And what happened to them all?

It didn't go well for them, that's for sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a baby around the same time as many of my friends and definitely have noticed a big difference in the marriages of SAHMs and working moms. I work for many reasons.

1. I really enjoy my job and I earn a relatively high salary (200k+) with flexible hours.
2. I enjoy getting out of the house and the interaction I have with other adults during the work week.
3. One of the main factors for me is that my husband contributes at home and we are equals. I would resent doing all of the housework, planning, organizing etc but maybe you don’t mind this.
4. I want my own retirement account.
5. I don’t want my entire life to only be about my husband and child. I have my own identity. My SAHM friends have become more boring and overly focused on their child as time goes by.

I’ve also noticed that many SAHMs think they are staying home for the benefit of their child but really it’s for them. And that’s fine. But I’m not sure it makes much difference to the children and as we know, the children won’t remember their early years. My nanny is excellent with my child. Some of the SAHMs I know are actually making huge parenting mistakes that maybe could be avoided if they weren’t the sole childcare provider for their child.

All of this being said, you need a new job. Working for $35k at your age is silly. Your benefits are terrible. I realize some people can’t find better jobs, but I assume you can. You should quit once the baby comes and then around 5 months postpartum try and find a new job. One with some flexibility so you spend enough time with your child. Just don’t stay out of the workforce too long and try to find a job where you can return if you have a second kid (at least 4 months of unpaid leave)

I agree 100% with all of this.

There is a VERY clear difference between most SAHM marriages and working mother marriages. Especially as the kids get older.

Yes, I've noticed this too. Working mother marriages are more likely to end in divorce. And the working mothers are fatter

This is true. DH and I have been married for 29 years. I SAH until our youngest started middle school then went back part time. All the couples we know who are divorced are dual income. I think the stress of that life sometimes creates a lot of resentment. Also, I simply do not believe working is better for babies and young children. How could it possibly be better for a child to spend 12 hours a day away from his mother? That goes against any logic. I guess maybe it makes sense if you are a crappy mother. But babies belong with their mothers. We are literally designed to keep them close. I understand that many people gave no choice. But it's certainly not ideal.

Absolutely agree. I really wish I could have stayed home's (couldn't afford to) - it felt absolutely unnatural to ship my kids off ALL day, and daycare is very rough on babies / toddlers. It's hard.

And yes, all of our friends who have divorced are dual income families, and I agree there's something to the idea that that lifestyle breeds resentment (and stress)

Well, all of our friends who have divorced had a SAHM. See how useless that information is?

And what happened to them all?

It didn't go well for them, that's for sure.

To the poster who wrote this: All the couples we know who are divorced are dual income. I think the stress of that life sometimes creates a lot of resentment. Also, I simply do not believe working is better for babies and young children. How could it possibly be better for a child to spend 12 hours a day away from his mother? That goes against any logic.

My marriage was much better when I was working full-time when my kids were babies. I had a full-time nanny with my first kid and she was with us for five years (at which time we had a second kid as well). I was much happier working and having an amazing nanny and making six figures with my own salary than when I left my job and scaled back to infrequent contract work and essentially being a SAHM. Not everyone wants to do it or is good at it.