Marriage dynamics - one vs two income households

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Remember, OP, there is evidence that children of working mothers are better adjusted adults. There is NO benefit to the kids, so don't be swayed by that strawman.

Sounds to me like you need a new job.

Sorry, but that is just not a universal truth. As if none of us knows well adjusted adults whose moms SAH during their childhood. As if none us knows completely screwed up kids raised by nannies whose parents had no time for them. No one should make such a major life decisions based on a "study" like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I guess I'm just worried about being dependent on my DH even though in reality I am now given his income vastly exceeds mine. I work in refugee resettlement and this work environment right now is, well, sad and exhausting. DH ideally doesn't want me to stay home until IF he makes partner for more security, which won't be for a few year if it does happen.

He is smart. The chance he makes partner is low. That said....he needs to do more at home if he wants you to keep working. Try to make sure he takes on baby duties and it doesnt all fall on you.

[Anonymous]

Totally depends on your spouse. He has to be very supportive, think it is as important to do so (or more important to do so) and be comfortable carrying all of the financial burden.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG this again. Your salary doesn't 'pay for daycare.' Childcare is a shared expense, and retirement, self-worth and respect, social security, etc are all reasons to keep working.

Cue the "I don't need to work to have self respect" posters!

I love my job. But if your self-worth and self-respect are tied to a job, you are deeply, deeply flawed.

Not tied, but related. I feel better about myself as a productive member of society. YMMV.

np. In OP's case, "working" for less than the cost of day care is not productive. It's the opposite, as a matter of fact.

[Anonymous]

If you are burnt out at your job, you might leave your job with an eye towards re-entering the workforce in a different job at around 1 year. By then you'll have a better idea about how you feel about all of this, anyway.

The income argument (daycare costs more than I make) has never really held water for me. It might cost more than you make NOW, but what about the opportunity cost of an interrupted career trajectory?

So again, if I were you, I would take some time off initially and use it to think about what you might do when you go back that would be less draining and perhaps better paid.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would get a higher paying job. Working for the salary is stupid with our without kids if you’re able to find a higher paying job.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG this again. Your salary doesn't 'pay for daycare.' Childcare is a shared expense, and retirement, self-worth and respect, social security, etc are all reasons to keep working.

Cue the "I don't need to work to have self respect" posters!

I love my job. But if your self-worth and self-respect are tied to a job, you are deeply, deeply flawed.

[/b]Not tied, but related. I feel better about myself as a productive member of society. YMMV.

[b]

np. In OP's case, "working" for less than the cost of day care is not productive. It's the opposite, as a matter of fact.

Oh I didn’t realize that Sahms we’re not productive members of society.

Signed,
working mom of twins

[Anonymous]

were not we’re ...ugh autocorrect

[Anonymous]

I stayed at home for a number of years after our children were born and it did not affect our relationship. My DH respected the choice I made and while it certainly affected our HHI that was about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you are burnt out at your job, you might leave your job with an eye towards re-entering the workforce in a different job at around 1 year. By then you'll have a better idea about how you feel about all of this, anyway.

The income argument (daycare costs more than I make) has never really held water for me. It might cost more than you make NOW, but what about the opportunity cost of an interrupted career trajectory?

So again, if I were you, I would take some time off initially and use it to think about what you might do when you go back that would be less draining and perhaps better paid.

Good luck!

There's not a lot of opportunity cost to interrupting a $35k before-tax job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG this again. Your salary doesn't 'pay for daycare.' Childcare is a shared expense, and retirement, self-worth and respect, social security, etc are all reasons to keep working.

Cue the "I don't need to work to have self respect" posters!

I love my job. But if your self-worth and self-respect are tied to a job, you are deeply, deeply flawed.

[/b]Not tied, but related. I feel better about myself as a productive member of society. YMMV.

[b]

np. In OP's case, "working" for less than the cost of day care is not productive. It's the opposite, as a matter of fact.

Oh I didn’t realize that Sahms we’re not productive members of society.

Signed,
working mom of twins

To the contrary. SAH in OP's case would make her far more productive than working for less pay than the cost of working.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's a sixth year associate. The chances he will make partner are very low. He may be scrambling to find a job sometime in the next few years. You need to keep your career going.

THIS.

[Anonymous]

For that income, everything gets eaten up by taxes and other basics like work clothing, etc. If he is making that kind of income and you don't want to work, quit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I guess I'm just worried about being dependent on my DH even though in reality I am now given his income vastly exceeds mine. I work in refugee resettlement and this work environment right now is, well, sad and exhausting. DH ideally doesn't want me to stay home until IF he makes partner for more security, which won't be for a few year if it does happen.

He is smart. The chance he makes partner is low. That said....he needs to do more at home if he wants you to keep working. Try to make sure he takes on baby duties and it doesnt all fall on you.

If he is concerned about security, live modestly and save. That $35K is not making much of a difference and child care will cost you more than that. He sounds really selfish. Life is so much easier with me staying home. He's glad I can take care of things for him and our family, etc. My husband doesn't make nearly what big law does and we comfortably save.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are burnt out at your job, you might leave your job with an eye towards re-entering the workforce in a different job at around 1 year. By then you'll have a better idea about how you feel about all of this, anyway.

The income argument (daycare costs more than I make) has never really held water for me. It might cost more than you make NOW, but what about the opportunity cost of an interrupted career trajectory?

So again, if I were you, I would take some time off initially and use it to think about what you might do when you go back that would be less draining and perhaps better paid.

Good luck!

There's not a lot of opportunity cost to interrupting a $35k before-tax job.

35k x5 > 0 x5

Also, way way easier to get a job when you have a job.

These entry level jobs are very difficult to compete with new grads with zero time constraints.

OP has a workaholic spouse, so she will need to drop off and pickup or do both ends with the nanny -- so her hours will be very strict and making them any longer impossible; getting hired with no recent work history and those constraints is tough.

Better goal: aim for higher paying job NOW, and try to shift to WAH or part-time by the time the kid is a little older and you want spend more time with them (afternoons at the park, eventually school commitments)