Marriage dynamics - one vs two income households
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
OMG this again. Your salary doesn't 'pay for daycare.' Childcare is a shared expense, and retirement, self-worth and respect, social security, etc are all reasons to keep working.
Cue the "I don't need to work to have self respect" posters! |
Anonymous
I hate this argument. Daycare shouldn't be applied to ONE salary. Also there may be other benefits of OPs job. |
Anonymous
No, it's not a shared expense when there is this wide of an income disparity. Incomes come as a sort of step function. You can have his lawyer income, her NGO income, neither, or both. They can't afford to live on neither, or on hers alone. That leaves two options. She works, or she doesn't. Only when she's working do they incur the cost of daycare, which happens to exceed her salary. For this reason, which is coldly rational, the cost of daycare is counted against her salary. And what's worse, her after-tax income, after being combined with his BigLaw income, is going to be much less than $35k. She would be paying a lot more, and costing her family a lot of money, to maintain the illusion that she's financially contributing to the household, when, in fact, the exact opposite would be true. Her best contribution would be made by staying home. Everything else is playing a game of make-believe. |
Anonymous
|
I’d think it’s very individual but if you have a strong relationship and view yourselves as a team now, valuing each partner’s different contributions, then switching to having one partner at home shouldn’t be an issue.
I was that SAHP until our youngest started K (although I did do occasional freelance projects for former employers/colleagues). When I was working and when I wasn’t, DH was very clear that finances were “ours”, not his/hers. Once (pre-kids) I said something about my bonus paying for a vacation, simply because the bonus was almost exactly what we were spending, and he corrected me (nicely) that “we” paid for the vacation. Having that “ours” mentality made it a lot more comfortable for me to take a career break. I do think it’s best when taking a break, that if you have any intention of going back, that you let colleagues know you are available to help out with projects. Even a couple projects a year were helpful in keeping my resume/skills current and I found it easy to return to a similar level position after my 7 yrs at home. On the issue of waiting until/if he makes partner -- what's his plan if he doesn't make partner? Would it really be that hard to find a similar paying job elsewhere in the legal field? (I'm not a lawyer so no idea how that works!) |
Anonymous
| I faced the exact same situation as you five years ago. I had a job I liked but the pay was low and would not cover the cost of child care. My DH is a doctor and at the time was working 80 hours a week during his residency. So I became a SAHM. But I had a design background and an eye for value so for the first year or so my baby and I would troll consignment shops and buy used clothes and furniture that I would fix up and sell on CL or EBay. I was making $200-300 a week without a lot of effort. We had a condo that I really fixed up and we sold it for a very good profit which helped pay off a lot of DH's medical school loans. We then bought a trashed foreclosure and I completely redid the interior and exterior and we are about to sell it for another very good profit in an area with no home price appreciation. All this while having two more babies and a doctor/husband who has no time to mow the lawn. So, while I haven't been collecting a paycheck I really do believe I've made a lot of money for our family. My DH is highly appreciative of what I do so there are no issues there. |
Anonymous
|
Remember, OP, there is evidence that children of working mothers are better adjusted adults. There is NO benefit to the kids, so don't be swayed by that strawman.
Sounds to me like you need a new job. |
Anonymous
I love my job. But if your self-worth and self-respect are tied to a job, you are deeply, deeply flawed. |
Anonymous
This. It’s not like OP can’t go back to work later down the line, but it makes zero sense to pay someone else to watch your kids in this scenario. |
Anonymous
Even if he does make partner, he may end up hating it or miss seeing his kids (though with the arrangement you already have, it seems pretty checked out and work focused, so likely won't pine for afternoons at the playground). Read this thread and learn from their mistakes: http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/749253.page I would honestly focus on getting a better paying job now, and just spend the money you obviously have for a nanny, until your DH is sure to have partnership in place or a post big law plan. You are already dependent on his income, so you should remedy that while you can (once you stay home, it will be harder to find even this lowpaying job -- there will be throngs of recent college grads with no constraints on their time jostling for these entry level positions) |
Anonymous
|
OP here. Yes, I agree that it's our combined income that will go to cover childcare, and not just mine. It is more the math that I'm referring to if I work/don't work. If I work, I bring in 1700/month that gets added to our combined income. Daycare is going to be about 2200-2000/month - rate averaged from a few places by us.
Also I don't know if I'd enjoy a higher paying job to other PPs. I like the combined office & on site working with families as I hate being at a desk for long periods of time. I also enjoy helping others and working directly with moms/kids. I don't know if those things come with a higher salary. If they do, please let me me know. |
Anonymous
Well, it would have to be, right? You could never afford it otherwise. The rest of your post basically describes your distaste for unpleasant or boring work, and the personal fulfillment you get out of this pursuit. The real question is whether you and your husband value your personal fulfillment more than the overall cost burden your choice to work will represent to your family. If he's willing to not only provide all the net financial support for you and your child by himself, but he's ALSO willing to finance what is effectively charity pursuits on your part, then you've got it made. Just don't pretend that it's contributing to your own family, as it would not be. It would be taking. |
Anonymous
Another attorney...I think the partnership thing is the real reason you shouldn’t stay home. The vast majority of associates don’t and have to take a pay cut in the next gig. If you stay home you will likely do at least some short term damage to your career trajectory and if he gets the talk it will becoming even more important that you could potentially bring in some money (even though you guys can’t really afford to live on your salary only). |
Anonymous
|
This completely depends on your relationship and your personalities.
Just know that things that wear you out now will not get easier with an infant/toddler/kids. You won't suddenly have more time until they are in school full time. In fact, if you are staying home as the primary care giver of a breastfed infant, you will have far less time and less will get done in the first year at least. Many WOHMs will tell you that it was a relief to get back to work after maternity leave and hand over the minute to minute minutia to a nanny. But, if he doesn't want you to stay at home, he is likely to have unreasonable expectations of the reality of your situation with an infant anyway. The balance works well when the working spouse understands all the things they don't have to do now that one spouse is at home. But he already expects that of you while you are working. So it will be worse if you aren't, and I fear he'll probably never come to appreciate how much easier it makes his life. I would say work for a year or so and get him into the routine of having to do day care runs, doctors appointments, sick days, cut the check for child care, etc., so he'll appreciate when he no longer has to do that. But you post makes it seem like he won't do that anyway. |
Anonymous
Not tied, but related. I feel better about myself as a productive member of society. YMMV. |
Anonymous
| He's a sixth year associate. The chances he will make partner are very low. He may be scrambling to find a job sometime in the next few years. You need to keep your career going. |