DD's teacher (innocent or inappropriate)?

[Anonymous]

So male teachers, workers, blue or white collars, can't ever say anything? And he started grooming her as a senior? Why wait till now? Should men come to work or even to metro with talking points written down? When exiting metro, and a man asks you if you are exiting now, it is not in order to make space for him to exit if you are not, but he is rather telling you if you that if you are, he is going to assault you in some dark corner? If a colleague asks about you weekend plans, clearly he is not just making conversation, he is telling you to come over? If a plumber says he needs a bigger pipe and will come tomorrow, you should make sure you are not at home, as clearly there is no way he would say that unless he was a pervert.
What are men allowed to say to women today? Singed, woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:5:20, I’m a prosecutor, so yes, I’m familiar with grooming. This isn’t it. It was a non-sexual remark...made in a public setting...with presumably others around...while he was grading papers...with no other evidence whatsoever of sketchiness. Get a grip. What is it like to go through life assuming every man is out to rape your children?

You are either not a prosecutor or you are an unqualified prosecutor.

No professional would insult a person for demonstrating concern for their children's well being.

You are not a prosecutor - you are a troll.

Exactly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Teachers are legally MANDATED to report suspected abuse of any sort.

Hint: There's a good reason why he DIDN'T.

Crickets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, as a mother, I would be very concerned. And I would probably talk to my daughter about her feelings about her boyfriend, whether she thinks he's a loser, etc.,.

As a professional AND as a mother, I would be extremely concerned and would consider this a red flag. Perhaps the teacher 'means well,' but he is NOT LISTENING nor is he paying attention to ANY professional discourse in the field. For a teacher to comment on ANY student's relationship is unwise at best and outright dangerous at worst. What's more, the fact that your daughter (like most kids her age) is now inferring judgment about herself based on his attitude/actions (whether or not it's her perception or a reality) signals that HER gut is saying 'something's not right here.'

I won't presume to tell you what to do, because it's hard. The teacher needs to know, stat, that this is unacceptable behavior. He needs to hear it from an administrator. He might lose his job. Seriously, he would at some schools, no questions asked (assuming he said what your daughter has reported, and we have no reason to doubt it). If you go to an administrator -- and you should not go to the teacher directly -- you'll get some 'stuff,' not just from DCUM but perhaps your daughter and her peers and perhaps the school. However, if you don't go to the administration, then eventually, someone else will. Trust me: either the teacher is 'innocent' (and ignorant) and will keep on making inappropriate comments until he goes too far (innocently, ignorantly) and gets either fired or sued. Or, the teacher is what (I'm sorry OP) my gut's telling me, and is defying expectations in favor of being what he feels is the best educator, which typically leads to boundary elision, which sometimes leads to an inappropriate relationship -- in other words, yep, grooming.

How do I know? I've seen it; I've heard it; and I've dealt with it both as an undergrad decades ago (hearing from a professor) and as an executive administrator in education at both the highest university levels as well as with a supervisor and consultant for PreK-12 teachers. I am conversant (as required) with standards for private and public sector education, especially with boundary 'issues' that can be perceived between teachers and students. I have delivered and participated in multiple (recent) required seminars and professional development opportunities for high school educators as recently as two weeks ago. Because I am a mandated reporter and because I supervise educators, as well as work with high school standards, I have concrete knowledge of expectations and also of legal and workplace sanctions and cases that have arisen from situations such as you describe. There is NO way that any current educator adhering to stated norms and expectations would make these statements; there's no way a good administrator who's practicing risk management and keeping his/her students' best interest would allow such behavior.

I wish you luck. And I'm telling you, without hyperbole despite my use of all caps, that this shouldn't be happening and your gut, your daughter's, and your husband's are telling you all you need to know.

Excellent post here. The teacher has been grossly inappropriate. Did you tell your daughter?

Dear God. This is why we have so few male teachers. Every little thing is picked apart and no matter what some freak thinks you are a pedo.

I don't think that is the reason we have few male teachers. I would say it is the low regard and poor pay is two good reasons. I also think the comment was inappropriate. It really isn't his business unless the daughter was in danger some how. Most h.s relationships don't last long anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Teachers are legally MANDATED to report suspected abuse of any sort.

Hint: There's a good reason why he DIDN'T.

Crickets.

Because there is a huge swatch between the type of abuse one is mandated to report and just a regular old crummy boyfriend?

[Anonymous]

Where is OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:FWIW, When I was young there was an equally young women who I knew casually among a group of friends. She was attractive and I was attracted. One night we were in a bar and I was being flirtatious with her. She excused herself to go to the bathroom and apparently slipped out the back door. After about twenty minutes I figured out that she had ditched me. The next time I saw her at the bar she was with some friends and I said, what happened to you the other night. She said she had to go home because she had to get up early the next day.. I said in a poor attempt at humor "that's no excuse" (I know lame). Her response said with utter contempt was "I don't owe you any excuses . . . ." , and a few other rebukes that I can't remember because I was so humiliated after the first round of rebukes, I psychologically blacked out. I was speechless and just wanted to crawl out of that room.

All these years later I still think her responses were unnecessarily harsh and it still strings.

But, I can tell you this, I never tested those waters ever again. I don't think a women needs to verbally beat the crap out of a suitor, but I do know a firm verbal rebuke is usually enough to send the message, "you are not romantically welcomed here".

Sorry, but you asked for it. She gave you plenty of clues that she was not interested and you didn't accept it. People are constantly telling women to be clear and not lead a man on and yet here you are complaining when a woman did just that. You should have accepted the bolded. You "attempt" at humor is still no excuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, as a mother, I would be very concerned. And I would probably talk to my daughter about her feelings about her boyfriend, whether she thinks he's a loser, etc.,.

As a professional AND as a mother, I would be extremely concerned and would consider this a red flag. Perhaps the teacher 'means well,' but he is NOT LISTENING nor is he paying attention to ANY professional discourse in the field. For a teacher to comment on ANY student's relationship is unwise at best and outright dangerous at worst. What's more, the fact that your daughter (like most kids her age) is now inferring judgment about herself based on his attitude/actions (whether or not it's her perception or a reality) signals that HER gut is saying 'something's not right here.'

I won't presume to tell you what to do, because it's hard. The teacher needs to know, stat, that this is unacceptable behavior. He needs to hear it from an administrator. He might lose his job. Seriously, he would at some schools, no questions asked (assuming he said what your daughter has reported, and we have no reason to doubt it). If you go to an administrator -- and you should not go to the teacher directly -- you'll get some 'stuff,' not just from DCUM but perhaps your daughter and her peers and perhaps the school. However, if you don't go to the administration, then eventually, someone else will. Trust me: either the teacher is 'innocent' (and ignorant) and will keep on making inappropriate comments until he goes too far (innocently, ignorantly) and gets either fired or sued. Or, the teacher is what (I'm sorry OP) my gut's telling me, and is defying expectations in favor of being what he feels is the best educator, which typically leads to boundary elision, which sometimes leads to an inappropriate relationship -- in other words, yep, grooming.

How do I know? I've seen it; I've heard it; and I've dealt with it both as an undergrad decades ago (hearing from a professor) and as an executive administrator in education at both the highest university levels as well as with a supervisor and consultant for PreK-12 teachers. I am conversant (as required) with standards for private and public sector education, especially with boundary 'issues' that can be perceived between teachers and students. I have delivered and participated in multiple (recent) required seminars and professional development opportunities for high school educators as recently as two weeks ago. Because I am a mandated reporter and because I supervise educators, as well as work with high school standards, I have concrete knowledge of expectations and also of legal and workplace sanctions and cases that have arisen from situations such as you describe. There is NO way that any current educator adhering to stated norms and expectations would make these statements; there's no way a good administrator who's practicing risk management and keeping his/her students' best interest would allow such behavior.

I wish you luck. And I'm telling you, without hyperbole despite my use of all caps, that this shouldn't be happening and your gut, your daughter's, and your husband's are telling you all you need to know.

Excellent post here. The teacher has been grossly inappropriate. Did you tell your daughter?

Dear God. This is why we have so few male teachers. Every little thing is picked apart and no matter what some freak thinks you are a pedo.

I don't think that is the reason we have few male teachers. I would say it is the low regard and poor pay is two good reasons. I also think the comment was inappropriate. It really isn't his business unless the daughter was in danger some how. Most h.s relationships don't last long anyway.

Agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, as a mother, I would be very concerned. And I would probably talk to my daughter about her feelings about her boyfriend, whether she thinks he's a loser, etc.,.

As a professional AND as a mother, I would be extremely concerned and would consider this a red flag. Perhaps the teacher 'means well,' but he is NOT LISTENING nor is he paying attention to ANY professional discourse in the field. For a teacher to comment on ANY student's relationship is unwise at best and outright dangerous at worst. What's more, the fact that your daughter (like most kids her age) is now inferring judgment about herself based on his attitude/actions (whether or not it's her perception or a reality) signals that HER gut is saying 'something's not right here.'

I won't presume to tell you what to do, because it's hard. The teacher needs to know, stat, that this is unacceptable behavior. He needs to hear it from an administrator. He might lose his job. Seriously, he would at some schools, no questions asked (assuming he said what your daughter has reported, and we have no reason to doubt it). If you go to an administrator -- and you should not go to the teacher directly -- you'll get some 'stuff,' not just from DCUM but perhaps your daughter and her peers and perhaps the school. However, if you don't go to the administration, then eventually, someone else will. Trust me: either the teacher is 'innocent' (and ignorant) and will keep on making inappropriate comments until he goes too far (innocently, ignorantly) and gets either fired or sued. Or, the teacher is what (I'm sorry OP) my gut's telling me, and is defying expectations in favor of being what he feels is the best educator, which typically leads to boundary elision, which sometimes leads to an inappropriate relationship -- in other words, yep, grooming.

How do I know? I've seen it; I've heard it; and I've dealt with it both as an undergrad decades ago (hearing from a professor) and as an executive administrator in education at both the highest university levels as well as with a supervisor and consultant for PreK-12 teachers. I am conversant (as required) with standards for private and public sector education, especially with boundary 'issues' that can be perceived between teachers and students. I have delivered and participated in multiple (recent) required seminars and professional development opportunities for high school educators as recently as two weeks ago. Because I am a mandated reporter and because I supervise educators, as well as work with high school standards, I have concrete knowledge of expectations and also of legal and workplace sanctions and cases that have arisen from situations such as you describe. There is NO way that any current educator adhering to stated norms and expectations would make these statements; there's no way a good administrator who's practicing risk management and keeping his/her students' best interest would allow such behavior.

I wish you luck. And I'm telling you, without hyperbole despite my use of all caps, that this shouldn't be happening and your gut, your daughter's, and your husband's are telling you all you need to know.

Excellent post here. The teacher has been grossly inappropriate. Did you tell your daughter?

Dear God. This is why we have so few male teachers. Every little thing is picked apart and no matter what some freak thinks you are a pedo.

I don't think that is the reason we have few male teachers. I would say it is the low regard and poor pay is two good reasons. I also think the comment was inappropriate. It really isn't his business unless the daughter was in danger some how. Most h.s relationships don't last long anyway.

Agree.

What kind of danger? Physical danger? What if he thinks the daughter loses focus and doesn't perform as well academically when her attention is on her boyfriend? What if he thinks the boyfriend does not value education? We want our teachers to be mentors and worry about the entire student, including 18 year old seniors who are making critical decisions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, as a mother, I would be very concerned. And I would probably talk to my daughter about her feelings about her boyfriend, whether she thinks he's a loser, etc.,.

As a professional AND as a mother, I would be extremely concerned and would consider this a red flag. Perhaps the teacher 'means well,' but he is NOT LISTENING nor is he paying attention to ANY professional discourse in the field. For a teacher to comment on ANY student's relationship is unwise at best and outright dangerous at worst. What's more, the fact that your daughter (like most kids her age) is now inferring judgment about herself based on his attitude/actions (whether or not it's her perception or a reality) signals that HER gut is saying 'something's not right here.'

I won't presume to tell you what to do, because it's hard. The teacher needs to know, stat, that this is unacceptable behavior. He needs to hear it from an administrator. He might lose his job. Seriously, he would at some schools, no questions asked (assuming he said what your daughter has reported, and we have no reason to doubt it). If you go to an administrator -- and you should not go to the teacher directly -- you'll get some 'stuff,' not just from DCUM but perhaps your daughter and her peers and perhaps the school. However, if you don't go to the administration, then eventually, someone else will. Trust me: either the teacher is 'innocent' (and ignorant) and will keep on making inappropriate comments until he goes too far (innocently, ignorantly) and gets either fired or sued. Or, the teacher is what (I'm sorry OP) my gut's telling me, and is defying expectations in favor of being what he feels is the best educator, which typically leads to boundary elision, which sometimes leads to an inappropriate relationship -- in other words, yep, grooming.

How do I know? I've seen it; I've heard it; and I've dealt with it both as an undergrad decades ago (hearing from a professor) and as an executive administrator in education at both the highest university levels as well as with a supervisor and consultant for PreK-12 teachers. I am conversant (as required) with standards for private and public sector education, especially with boundary 'issues' that can be perceived between teachers and students. I have delivered and participated in multiple (recent) required seminars and professional development opportunities for high school educators as recently as two weeks ago. Because I am a mandated reporter and because I supervise educators, as well as work with high school standards, I have concrete knowledge of expectations and also of legal and workplace sanctions and cases that have arisen from situations such as you describe. There is NO way that any current educator adhering to stated norms and expectations would make these statements; there's no way a good administrator who's practicing risk management and keeping his/her students' best interest would allow such behavior.

I wish you luck. And I'm telling you, without hyperbole despite my use of all caps, that this shouldn't be happening and your gut, your daughter's, and your husband's are telling you all you need to know.

Excellent post here. The teacher has been grossly inappropriate. Did you tell your daughter?

Dear God. This is why we have so few male teachers. Every little thing is picked apart and no matter what some freak thinks you are a pedo.

I don't think that is the reason we have few male teachers. I would say it is the low regard and poor pay is two good reasons. I also think the comment was inappropriate. It really isn't his business unless the daughter was in danger some how. Most h.s relationships don't last long anyway.

Agree.

What kind of danger? Physical danger? What if he thinks the daughter loses focus and doesn't perform as well academically when her attention is on her boyfriend? What if he thinks the boyfriend does not value education? We want our teachers to be mentors and worry about the entire student, including 18 year old seniors who are making critical decisions.

[Anonymous]

I'm sure you all would consider this to be grooming as well, right? The janitor had no business talking to the student about things beyond cleaning supplies? Clearly his intentions were nefarious and he was angling to get a student to buy him expensive gifts? Or is the student grooming the janitor?

https://www.nbcwashington.com/news/local/A-School-Janitor-Couldnt-Afford-His-Dream-Sneakers-So-a-Student-Gifted-Him-a-Pair-492724711.html?fdk

You all are looking to create a narrative out of something that doesn't exist. Once you finish your teacher witch hunt you'll realize that when you put people together in a building every day they build relationships. Teachers look out for the best interest of their students. Sometimes that's a little outside the box of just correcting a math problem. Just because there are a few bad apples where the cases are highly publicized doesn't mean that every teacher is trying to groom your child when they say anything that's a little unrelated to academics. Use your critical thinking skills and stop fear mongering, please. We need teachers. We need people besides us looking out for our kids since we're not with them 24/7. A teacher was the one who figured out I was depressed and anxious when my parents had no clue. Today it would be seen as inappropriate, I'm sure, but that teacher saved my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sure you all would consider this to be grooming as well, right? The janitor had no business talking to the student about things beyond cleaning supplies? Clearly his intentions were nefarious and he was angling to get a student to buy him expensive gifts? Or is the student grooming the janitor?

https://www.nbcwashington.com/news/local/A-School-Janitor-Couldnt-Afford-His-Dream-Sneakers-So-a-Student-Gifted-Him-a-Pair-492724711.html?fdk

You all are looking to create a narrative out of something that doesn't exist. Once you finish your teacher witch hunt you'll realize that when you put people together in a building every day they build relationships. Teachers look out for the best interest of their students. Sometimes that's a little outside the box of just correcting a math problem. Just because there are a few bad apples where the cases are highly publicized doesn't mean that every teacher is trying to groom your child when they say anything that's a little unrelated to academics. Use your critical thinking skills and stop fear mongering, please. We need teachers. We need people besides us looking out for our kids since we're not with them 24/7. A teacher was the one who figured out I was depressed and anxious when my parents had no clue. Today it would be seen as inappropriate, I'm sure, but that teacher saved my life.

Thank you for sharing this, PP. This is how people act where I'm from. It's magic. NP here.

OP, I also think that teacher was trying to do your daughter a favor, and not every man is a rapist. I think a lot of that comes from victims, which is fine, I get it, but don't fear monger everywhere, it's not appropriate. OP, what is your take on the boyfriend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, as a mother, I would be very concerned. And I would probably talk to my daughter about her feelings about her boyfriend, whether she thinks he's a loser, etc.,.

As a professional AND as a mother, I would be extremely concerned and would consider this a red flag. Perhaps the teacher 'means well,' but he is NOT LISTENING nor is he paying attention to ANY professional discourse in the field. For a teacher to comment on ANY student's relationship is unwise at best and outright dangerous at worst. What's more, the fact that your daughter (like most kids her age) is now inferring judgment about herself based on his attitude/actions (whether or not it's her perception or a reality) signals that HER gut is saying 'something's not right here.'

I won't presume to tell you what to do, because it's hard. The teacher needs to know, stat, that this is unacceptable behavior. He needs to hear it from an administrator. He might lose his job. Seriously, he would at some schools, no questions asked (assuming he said what your daughter has reported, and we have no reason to doubt it). If you go to an administrator -- and you should not go to the teacher directly -- you'll get some 'stuff,' not just from DCUM but perhaps your daughter and her peers and perhaps the school. However, if you don't go to the administration, then eventually, someone else will. Trust me: either the teacher is 'innocent' (and ignorant) and will keep on making inappropriate comments until he goes too far (innocently, ignorantly) and gets either fired or sued. Or, the teacher is what (I'm sorry OP) my gut's telling me, and is defying expectations in favor of being what he feels is the best educator, which typically leads to boundary elision, which sometimes leads to an inappropriate relationship -- in other words, yep, grooming.

How do I know? I've seen it; I've heard it; and I've dealt with it both as an undergrad decades ago (hearing from a professor) and as an executive administrator in education at both the highest university levels as well as with a supervisor and consultant for PreK-12 teachers. I am conversant (as required) with standards for private and public sector education, especially with boundary 'issues' that can be perceived between teachers and students. I have delivered and participated in multiple (recent) required seminars and professional development opportunities for high school educators as recently as two weeks ago. Because I am a mandated reporter and because I supervise educators, as well as work with high school standards, I have concrete knowledge of expectations and also of legal and workplace sanctions and cases that have arisen from situations such as you describe. There is NO way that any current educator adhering to stated norms and expectations would make these statements; there's no way a good administrator who's practicing risk management and keeping his/her students' best interest would allow such behavior.

I wish you luck. And I'm telling you, without hyperbole despite my use of all caps, that this shouldn't be happening and your gut, your daughter's, and your husband's are telling you all you need to know.

Excellent post here. The teacher has been grossly inappropriate. Did you tell your daughter?

Dear God. This is why we have so few male teachers. Every little thing is picked apart and no matter what some freak thinks you are a pedo.

I don't think that is the reason we have few male teachers. I would say it is the low regard and poor pay is two good reasons. I also think the comment was inappropriate. It really isn't his business unless the daughter was in danger some how. Most h.s relationships don't last long anyway.

Agree.

What kind of danger? Physical danger? What if he thinks the daughter loses focus and doesn't perform as well academically when her attention is on her boyfriend? What if he thinks the boyfriend does not value education? We want our teachers to be mentors and worry about the entire student, including 18 year old seniors who are making critical decisions.

+1

He doesn't know what the daughter's home life is like, and whether or not the parents are abusive, neglectful, or paying attention. It happens in the best of families, I have seen it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mom, open your eyes. She is with a bad kid and you should thank the teacher.

+1
if he's a reputable teacher at the school, i would trust his opinion. he sees the kids in their own element

This. Maybe he heard the boyfriend talking inappropriately about your daughter to his friends. From your description, I found it obvious that he knew someone about the boyfriend that your daughter or you don’t know. The teacher isn’t after your daughter! Good grief.

[Anonymous]

Something, not someone ^^^