DD's teacher (innocent or inappropriate)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have things changed regarding professional boundaries for teachers? I only finished high school 10 years ago, and teachers definitely talked with students about our personal lives and gave mentoring-type advice. I only saw good or neutral things result from it.

The most obvious explanation for the teacher’s comment is that the boy is bad news.

Now it's frowned upon because parents think the teachers are grooming their kids to abuse them. Then they blame the schools when their kids have mental health or substance abuse problems and one of the causes is that kids feel like they have no one to talk to about their feelings. It's a catch 22.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD is a senior this year and still applying to colleges. She wants to be a teacher and was hoping to get her math teacher to give her a recommendation. Usually he's very nice to her.

The other day her boyfriend walked her to class. When she walked past the teacher's desk, he said to her "you're still with that guy?" She told him yes. She said that he shook his head and said "you need to break up with him."

I told her he was probably just joking but she said he didn't even smile afterwards and just went back to looking at his papers.

This embarrassed her even though she doesn't think anyone overheard. She said that he monitors the exit at the back of the school and usually waves and makes a joke with her when she drives past, but that day he just ignored her. Now she's afraid to ask him for a recommendation because she thinks he finds her silly and disapproves of high school relationships.

Now, as a mother, my mind is starting to wonder. Is this weird behavior for a teacher? He's young, early 30's. Maybe I'm just overthinking things but when I confided in my husband he said that the whole situation was inappropriate.

Please, I'd like to hear another perspective on this situation and what to do about it.

Wow. Totally out of bounds!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have things changed regarding professional boundaries for teachers? I only finished high school 10 years ago, and teachers definitely talked with students about our personal lives and gave mentoring-type advice. I only saw good or neutral things result from it.

The most obvious explanation for the teacher’s comment is that the boy is bad news.

Now it's frowned upon because parents think the teachers are grooming their kids to abuse them. Then they blame the schools when their kids have mental health or substance abuse problems and one of the causes is that kids feel like they have no one to talk to about their feelings. It's a catch 22.

That’s too bad. My spouse went through a very hard time as a teen when his parents went through an ugly divorce and a parent abandoned him, and a teacher who made a point to reach out to him on a personal level and listen was a real lifeline.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mom, open your eyes. She is with a bad kid and you should thank the teacher.

+1
if he's a reputable teacher at the school, i would trust his opinion. he sees the kids in their own element

I would find this concerning, but towards the boyfriend in question. Start asking more questions about him, mom!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have things changed regarding professional boundaries for teachers? I only finished high school 10 years ago, and teachers definitely talked with students about our personal lives and gave mentoring-type advice. I only saw good or neutral things result from it.

The most obvious explanation for the teacher’s comment is that the boy is bad news.

Now it's frowned upon because parents think the teachers are grooming their kids to abuse them. Then they blame the schools when their kids have mental health or substance abuse problems and one of the causes is that kids feel like they have no one to talk to about their feelings. It's a catch 22.

That’s too bad. My spouse went through a very hard time as a teen when his parents went through an ugly divorce and a parent abandoned him, and a teacher who made a point to reach out to him on a personal level and listen was a real lifeline.

There's a pretty big difference between providing a listening ear to a kid with a tough home life situation and asking a student, unprompted, why she hasn't dumped her boyfriend yet. If OP's DD had been talking to this teacher about relationship problems she wouldn't be so thrown by the comments in the first place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Neither, but it sounds like he knows the boyfriend is a loser.

Either this or the teacher has noticed that she is not as good a student when she is focused on the boyfriend.

OP--you haven't mentioned any opinion of your daughter's boyfriend. Is he a good boyfriend? Does he seem honest and faithful? Does he bring out the best or the worst in her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is there any truth to it? If no, its not appropriate. I would email the teacher and ask about the comment and ask if there is anything about the relationship you should be concerned about.

Email the teacher over this??

[Anonymous]

The teacher knows something about the boyfriend. And it's not good.

[Anonymous]

I am not a teacher but I have coached both high school and college sports. While I’d never make an unsolicited remark like this teacher, I am in agreement with the majority here—one, the relationship often interferes with studies and/or athletic performance and is distracting the student or otherwise holding them back from doing their best. Two, I hear both parties talk when the other isn’t around. Sometimes it’s like they are a totally different person when the girl/boyfriend is not around. Three, I know things about their home life or background the girl/boyfriend may not know. So yes, I think he’s coming from a place of concern. If it’s a male teacher he just may not be as sensitive or tactful as a female might be to another female. I’d keep an eye on the relationship, mom.

[Anonymous]

As a teacher, he has heard about this kid from other teachers and admin and seen files. Kid is a loser. Teacher is trying to look out for your kid because he cares. That's what good teachers do. We cannot be effective teachers to your kids if you assume we are predators every time we treat them like a human.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there any truth to it? If no, its not appropriate. I would email the teacher and ask about the comment and ask if there is anything about the relationship you should be concerned about.

Really? You would police the minutiae of a conversation you didn't hear?

For my child's safety, yes. If he knows something he can just simply say there is a reason for concern. Otherwise, its an inappropriate comment and why would he say that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a teacher, he has heard about this kid from other teachers and admin and seen files. Kid is a loser. Teacher is trying to look out for your kid because he cares. That's what good teachers do. We cannot be effective teachers to your kids if you assume we are predators every time we treat them like a human.

How do you know the teacher isn't jealous and starting to groom the girl? I'd be very concerned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The teacher knows something about the boyfriend. And it's not good.

This. I don't have a ton of respect for teachers in general, but it really does sound like he's giving a genuine warning to your daughter (and thus to you). Obviously he can't discuss everything he knows, but maybe he knows a lot more than you think.

Grooming behavior is different - he wouldn't have just shaken his head and looked back down, he would engage her, smile, try to chat her up, etc. It sounds like he just disapproves in general.

Personally, I'd actually ask him directly what his concerns are. He might not be able to discuss them, but it might give at least a general idea.

And I wouldn't discount the idea of a recommendation. Maybe he thinks it would get your DD into a good college and away from the loser!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a teacher, he has heard about this kid from other teachers and admin and seen files. Kid is a loser. Teacher is trying to look out for your kid because he cares. That's what good teachers do. We cannot be effective teachers to your kids if you assume we are predators every time we treat them like a human.

How do you know the teacher isn't jealous and starting to groom the girl? I'd be very concerned.

Yes.

OP, meet your new son in law

[Anonymous]

OP, as a mother, I would be very concerned. And I would probably talk to my daughter about her feelings about her boyfriend, whether she thinks he's a loser, etc.,.

As a professional AND as a mother, I would be extremely concerned and would consider this a red flag. Perhaps the teacher 'means well,' but he is NOT LISTENING nor is he paying attention to ANY professional discourse in the field. For a teacher to comment on ANY student's relationship is unwise at best and outright dangerous at worst. What's more, the fact that your daughter (like most kids her age) is now inferring judgment about herself based on his attitude/actions (whether or not it's her perception or a reality) signals that HER gut is saying 'something's not right here.'

I won't presume to tell you what to do, because it's hard. The teacher needs to know, stat, that this is unacceptable behavior. He needs to hear it from an administrator. He might lose his job. Seriously, he would at some schools, no questions asked (assuming he said what your daughter has reported, and we have no reason to doubt it). If you go to an administrator -- and you should not go to the teacher directly -- you'll get some 'stuff,' not just from DCUM but perhaps your daughter and her peers and perhaps the school. However, if you don't go to the administration, then eventually, someone else will. Trust me: either the teacher is 'innocent' (and ignorant) and will keep on making inappropriate comments until he goes too far (innocently, ignorantly) and gets either fired or sued. Or, the teacher is what (I'm sorry OP) my gut's telling me, and is defying expectations in favor of being what he feels is the best educator, which typically leads to boundary elision, which sometimes leads to an inappropriate relationship -- in other words, yep, grooming.

How do I know? I've seen it; I've heard it; and I've dealt with it both as an undergrad decades ago (hearing from a professor) and as an executive administrator in education at both the highest university levels as well as with a supervisor and consultant for PreK-12 teachers. I am conversant (as required) with standards for private and public sector education, especially with boundary 'issues' that can be perceived between teachers and students. I have delivered and participated in multiple (recent) required seminars and professional development opportunities for high school educators as recently as two weeks ago. Because I am a mandated reporter and because I supervise educators, as well as work with high school standards, I have concrete knowledge of expectations and also of legal and workplace sanctions and cases that have arisen from situations such as you describe. There is NO way that any current educator adhering to stated norms and expectations would make these statements; there's no way a good administrator who's practicing risk management and keeping his/her students' best interest would allow such behavior.

I wish you luck. And I'm telling you, without hyperbole despite my use of all caps, that this shouldn't be happening and your gut, your daughter's, and your husband's are telling you all you need to know.