DD's teacher (innocent or inappropriate)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, as a mother, I would be very concerned. And I would probably talk to my daughter about her feelings about her boyfriend, whether she thinks he's a loser, etc.,.

As a professional AND as a mother, I would be extremely concerned and would consider this a red flag. Perhaps the teacher 'means well,' but he is NOT LISTENING nor is he paying attention to ANY professional discourse in the field. For a teacher to comment on ANY student's relationship is unwise at best and outright dangerous at worst. What's more, the fact that your daughter (like most kids her age) is now inferring judgment about herself based on his attitude/actions (whether or not it's her perception or a reality) signals that HER gut is saying 'something's not right here.'

I won't presume to tell you what to do, because it's hard. The teacher needs to know, stat, that this is unacceptable behavior. He needs to hear it from an administrator. He might lose his job. Seriously, he would at some schools, no questions asked (assuming he said what your daughter has reported, and we have no reason to doubt it). If you go to an administrator -- and you should not go to the teacher directly -- you'll get some 'stuff,' not just from DCUM but perhaps your daughter and her peers and perhaps the school. However, if you don't go to the administration, then eventually, someone else will. Trust me: either the teacher is 'innocent' (and ignorant) and will keep on making inappropriate comments until he goes too far (innocently, ignorantly) and gets either fired or sued. Or, the teacher is what (I'm sorry OP) my gut's telling me, and is defying expectations in favor of being what he feels is the best educator, which typically leads to boundary elision, which sometimes leads to an inappropriate relationship -- in other words, yep, grooming.

How do I know? I've seen it; I've heard it; and I've dealt with it both as an undergrad decades ago (hearing from a professor) and as an executive administrator in education at both the highest university levels as well as with a supervisor and consultant for PreK-12 teachers. I am conversant (as required) with standards for private and public sector education, especially with boundary 'issues' that can be perceived between teachers and students. I have delivered and participated in multiple (recent) required seminars and professional development opportunities for high school educators as recently as two weeks ago. Because I am a mandated reporter and because I supervise educators, as well as work with high school standards, I have concrete knowledge of expectations and also of legal and workplace sanctions and cases that have arisen from situations such as you describe. There is NO way that any current educator adhering to stated norms and expectations would make these statements; there's no way a good administrator who's practicing risk management and keeping his/her students' best interest would allow such behavior.

I wish you luck. And I'm telling you, without hyperbole despite my use of all caps, that this shouldn't be happening and your gut, your daughter's, and your husband's are telling you all you need to know.

Excellent post here. The teacher has been grossly inappropriate. Did you tell your daughter?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have things changed regarding professional boundaries for teachers? I only finished high school 10 years ago, and teachers definitely talked with students about our personal lives and gave mentoring-type advice. I only saw good or neutral things result from it.

The most obvious explanation for the teacher’s comment is that the boy is bad news.

Now it's frowned upon because parents think the teachers are grooming their kids to abuse them. Then they blame the schools when their kids have mental health or substance abuse problems and one of the causes is that kids feel like they have no one to talk to about their feelings. It's a catch 22.

That’s too bad. My spouse went through a very hard time as a teen when his parents went through an ugly divorce and a parent abandoned him, and a teacher who made a point to reach out to him on a personal level and listen was a real lifeline.

There's a pretty big difference between providing a listening ear to a kid with a tough home life situation and asking a student, unprompted, why she hasn't dumped her boyfriend yet. If OP's DD had been talking to this teacher about relationship problems she wouldn't be so thrown by the comments in the first place.

This exactly.

[Anonymous]

My high school boyfriend’s English teacher told him to break up with me because he was failing to turn in a lot of assignments and the teacher thought I was too distracting. I thought that was pretty hilarious because the only assignments he did turn in were ones I helped him with. He had massive writer’s block (and couldn’t type) and I used to act like an executive coach to help him get his thoughts organized and then type the essay for him.
I also did that for his college essays and he went to HSYP (I won’t say which one). I should have marketed my skills.

Anyway, I think mentoring/concerned teachers have long offered their opinions on their students’ social lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, as a mother, I would be very concerned. And I would probably talk to my daughter about her feelings about her boyfriend, whether she thinks he's a loser, etc.,.

As a professional AND as a mother, I would be extremely concerned and would consider this a red flag. Perhaps the teacher 'means well,' but he is NOT LISTENING nor is he paying attention to ANY professional discourse in the field. For a teacher to comment on ANY student's relationship is unwise at best and outright dangerous at worst. What's more, the fact that your daughter (like most kids her age) is now inferring judgment about herself based on his attitude/actions (whether or not it's her perception or a reality) signals that HER gut is saying 'something's not right here.'

I won't presume to tell you what to do, because it's hard. The teacher needs to know, stat, that this is unacceptable behavior. He needs to hear it from an administrator. He might lose his job. Seriously, he would at some schools, no questions asked (assuming he said what your daughter has reported, and we have no reason to doubt it). If you go to an administrator -- and you should not go to the teacher directly -- you'll get some 'stuff,' not just from DCUM but perhaps your daughter and her peers and perhaps the school. However, if you don't go to the administration, then eventually, someone else will. Trust me: either the teacher is 'innocent' (and ignorant) and will keep on making inappropriate comments until he goes too far (innocently, ignorantly) and gets either fired or sued. Or, the teacher is what (I'm sorry OP) my gut's telling me, and is defying expectations in favor of being what he feels is the best educator, which typically leads to boundary elision, which sometimes leads to an inappropriate relationship -- in other words, yep, grooming.

How do I know? I've seen it; I've heard it; and I've dealt with it both as an undergrad decades ago (hearing from a professor) and as an executive administrator in education at both the highest university levels as well as with a supervisor and consultant for PreK-12 teachers. I am conversant (as required) with standards for private and public sector education, especially with boundary 'issues' that can be perceived between teachers and students. I have delivered and participated in multiple (recent) required seminars and professional development opportunities for high school educators as recently as two weeks ago. Because I am a mandated reporter and because I supervise educators, as well as work with high school standards, I have concrete knowledge of expectations and also of legal and workplace sanctions and cases that have arisen from situations such as you describe. There is NO way that any current educator adhering to stated norms and expectations would make these statements; there's no way a good administrator who's practicing risk management and keeping his/her students' best interest would allow such behavior.

I wish you luck. And I'm telling you, without hyperbole despite my use of all caps, that this shouldn't be happening and your gut, your daughter's, and your husband's are telling you all you need to know.

What a sad world it is when your first thought is fire that predator for a situation like OP described.

Our poor teens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, as a mother, I would be very concerned. And I would probably talk to my daughter about her feelings about her boyfriend, whether she thinks he's a loser, etc.,.

As a professional AND as a mother, I would be extremely concerned and would consider this a red flag. Perhaps the teacher 'means well,' but he is NOT LISTENING nor is he paying attention to ANY professional discourse in the field. For a teacher to comment on ANY student's relationship is unwise at best and outright dangerous at worst. What's more, the fact that your daughter (like most kids her age) is now inferring judgment about herself based on his attitude/actions (whether or not it's her perception or a reality) signals that HER gut is saying 'something's not right here.'

I won't presume to tell you what to do, because it's hard. The teacher needs to know, stat, that this is unacceptable behavior. He needs to hear it from an administrator. He might lose his job. Seriously, he would at some schools, no questions asked (assuming he said what your daughter has reported, and we have no reason to doubt it). If you go to an administrator -- and you should not go to the teacher directly -- you'll get some 'stuff,' not just from DCUM but perhaps your daughter and her peers and perhaps the school. However, if you don't go to the administration, then eventually, someone else will. Trust me: either the teacher is 'innocent' (and ignorant) and will keep on making inappropriate comments until he goes too far (innocently, ignorantly) and gets either fired or sued. Or, the teacher is what (I'm sorry OP) my gut's telling me, and is defying expectations in favor of being what he feels is the best educator, which typically leads to boundary elision, which sometimes leads to an inappropriate relationship -- in other words, yep, grooming.

How do I know? I've seen it; I've heard it; and I've dealt with it both as an undergrad decades ago (hearing from a professor) and as an executive administrator in education at both the highest university levels as well as with a supervisor and consultant for PreK-12 teachers. I am conversant (as required) with standards for private and public sector education, especially with boundary 'issues' that can be perceived between teachers and students. I have delivered and participated in multiple (recent) required seminars and professional development opportunities for high school educators as recently as two weeks ago. Because I am a mandated reporter and because I supervise educators, as well as work with high school standards, I have concrete knowledge of expectations and also of legal and workplace sanctions and cases that have arisen from situations such as you describe. There is NO way that any current educator adhering to stated norms and expectations would make these statements; there's no way a good administrator who's practicing risk management and keeping his/her students' best interest would allow such behavior.

I wish you luck. And I'm telling you, without hyperbole despite my use of all caps, that this shouldn't be happening and your gut, your daughter's, and your husband's are telling you all you need to know.

You're clearly perfect, so why are you not back in the classroom in order to use your superior knowledge to build relationships with kids in your clearly superior way. It's easy to do everything perfectly and never say anything that someone, somewhere can take the wrong way when you're the one sitting in an office and not actually forming relationships with kids. The fact that you consider this to be a potentially fireable offense tells me that you're not as great at your job as you think you are.

[Anonymous]

Predators are a growing problem, especially in schools.

[Anonymous]

Y’all are too much. It’s an off-hand comment that you’ve spent way too much time thinking about already.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Y’all are too much. It’s an off-hand comment that you’ve spent way too much time thinking about already.

Best to be vigilant. Always. Sorry, bro.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Y’all are too much. It’s an off-hand comment that you’ve spent way too much time thinking about already.

Best to be vigilant. Always. Sorry, bro.

Got it. Enjoy homeschooling when there are no more people willing to be teachers because their intentions are always presumed to be nefarious.

[Anonymous]

BF is bad news. Teacher also thinks poorly of your daughter for being with the loser or he thinks it is inappropriate that they are continuing to hang out with each other during the school day. It is school not a restaurant.

I do not think he is grooming your daughter, or is angry/jealous. It is just an offhand comment. No need to dig a deeper hole by asking the teacher for an explanation or commenting to an administrator. There is no way your daughter or you will not be in a negative light. Ignore this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Y’all are too much. It’s an off-hand comment that you’ve spent way too much time thinking about already.

Best to be vigilant. Always. Sorry, bro.

Got it. Enjoy homeschooling when there are no more people willing to be teachers because their intentions are always presumed to be nefarious.

Most aren't predators, but always beware of anyone creepy. Enough of the criminal assaults on our kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, as a mother, I would be very concerned. And I would probably talk to my daughter about her feelings about her boyfriend, whether she thinks he's a loser, etc.,.

As a professional AND as a mother, I would be extremely concerned and would consider this a red flag. Perhaps the teacher 'means well,' but he is NOT LISTENING nor is he paying attention to ANY professional discourse in the field. For a teacher to comment on ANY student's relationship is unwise at best and outright dangerous at worst. What's more, the fact that your daughter (like most kids her age) is now inferring judgment about herself based on his attitude/actions (whether or not it's her perception or a reality) signals that HER gut is saying 'something's not right here.'

I won't presume to tell you what to do, because it's hard. The teacher needs to know, stat, that this is unacceptable behavior. He needs to hear it from an administrator. He might lose his job. Seriously, he would at some schools, no questions asked (assuming he said what your daughter has reported, and we have no reason to doubt it). If you go to an administrator -- and you should not go to the teacher directly -- you'll get some 'stuff,' not just from DCUM but perhaps your daughter and her peers and perhaps the school. However, if you don't go to the administration, then eventually, someone else will. Trust me: either the teacher is 'innocent' (and ignorant) and will keep on making inappropriate comments until he goes too far (innocently, ignorantly) and gets either fired or sued. Or, the teacher is what (I'm sorry OP) my gut's telling me, and is defying expectations in favor of being what he feels is the best educator, which typically leads to boundary elision, which sometimes leads to an inappropriate relationship -- in other words, yep, grooming.

How do I know? I've seen it; I've heard it; and I've dealt with it both as an undergrad decades ago (hearing from a professor) and as an executive administrator in education at both the highest university levels as well as with a supervisor and consultant for PreK-12 teachers. I am conversant (as required) with standards for private and public sector education, especially with boundary 'issues' that can be perceived between teachers and students. I have delivered and participated in multiple (recent) required seminars and professional development opportunities for high school educators as recently as two weeks ago. Because I am a mandated reporter and because I supervise educators, as well as work with high school standards, I have concrete knowledge of expectations and also of legal and workplace sanctions and cases that have arisen from situations such as you describe. There is NO way that any current educator adhering to stated norms and expectations would make these statements; there's no way a good administrator who's practicing risk management and keeping his/her students' best interest would allow such behavior.

I wish you luck. And I'm telling you, without hyperbole despite my use of all caps, that this shouldn't be happening and your gut, your daughter's, and your husband's are telling you all you need to know.

Excellent post here. The teacher has been grossly inappropriate. Did you tell your daughter?

Dear God. This is why we have so few male teachers. Every little thing is picked apart and no matter what some freak thinks you are a pedo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, as a mother, I would be very concerned. And I would probably talk to my daughter about her feelings about her boyfriend, whether she thinks he's a loser, etc.,.

As a professional AND as a mother, I would be extremely concerned and would consider this a red flag. Perhaps the teacher 'means well,' but he is NOT LISTENING nor is he paying attention to ANY professional discourse in the field. For a teacher to comment on ANY student's relationship is unwise at best and outright dangerous at worst. What's more, the fact that your daughter (like most kids her age) is now inferring judgment about herself based on his attitude/actions (whether or not it's her perception or a reality) signals that HER gut is saying 'something's not right here.'

I won't presume to tell you what to do, because it's hard. The teacher needs to know, stat, that this is unacceptable behavior. He needs to hear it from an administrator. He might lose his job. Seriously, he would at some schools, no questions asked (assuming he said what your daughter has reported, and we have no reason to doubt it). If you go to an administrator -- and you should not go to the teacher directly -- you'll get some 'stuff,' not just from DCUM but perhaps your daughter and her peers and perhaps the school. However, if you don't go to the administration, then eventually, someone else will. Trust me: either the teacher is 'innocent' (and ignorant) and will keep on making inappropriate comments until he goes too far (innocently, ignorantly) and gets either fired or sued. Or, the teacher is what (I'm sorry OP) my gut's telling me, and is defying expectations in favor of being what he feels is the best educator, which typically leads to boundary elision, which sometimes leads to an inappropriate relationship -- in other words, yep, grooming.

How do I know? I've seen it; I've heard it; and I've dealt with it both as an undergrad decades ago (hearing from a professor) and as an executive administrator in education at both the highest university levels as well as with a supervisor and consultant for PreK-12 teachers. I am conversant (as required) with standards for private and public sector education, especially with boundary 'issues' that can be perceived between teachers and students. I have delivered and participated in multiple (recent) required seminars and professional development opportunities for high school educators as recently as two weeks ago. Because I am a mandated reporter and because I supervise educators, as well as work with high school standards, I have concrete knowledge of expectations and also of legal and workplace sanctions and cases that have arisen from situations such as you describe. There is NO way that any current educator adhering to stated norms and expectations would make these statements; there's no way a good administrator who's practicing risk management and keeping his/her students' best interest would allow such behavior.

I wish you luck. And I'm telling you, without hyperbole despite my use of all caps, that this shouldn't be happening and your gut, your daughter's, and your husband's are telling you all you need to know.

Excellent post here. The teacher has been grossly inappropriate. Did you tell your daughter?

Dear God. This is why we have so few male teachers. Every little thing is picked apart and no matter what some freak thinks you are a pedo.

I hope to God you aren't another predator in the schools...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, as a mother, I would be very concerned. And I would probably talk to my daughter about her feelings about her boyfriend, whether she thinks he's a loser, etc.,.

As a professional AND as a mother, I would be extremely concerned and would consider this a red flag. Perhaps the teacher 'means well,' but he is NOT LISTENING nor is he paying attention to ANY professional discourse in the field. For a teacher to comment on ANY student's relationship is unwise at best and outright dangerous at worst. What's more, the fact that your daughter (like most kids her age) is now inferring judgment about herself based on his attitude/actions (whether or not it's her perception or a reality) signals that HER gut is saying 'something's not right here.'

I won't presume to tell you what to do, because it's hard. The teacher needs to know, stat, that this is unacceptable behavior. He needs to hear it from an administrator. He might lose his job. Seriously, he would at some schools, no questions asked (assuming he said what your daughter has reported, and we have no reason to doubt it). If you go to an administrator -- and you should not go to the teacher directly -- you'll get some 'stuff,' not just from DCUM but perhaps your daughter and her peers and perhaps the school. However, if you don't go to the administration, then eventually, someone else will. Trust me: either the teacher is 'innocent' (and ignorant) and will keep on making inappropriate comments until he goes too far (innocently, ignorantly) and gets either fired or sued. Or, the teacher is what (I'm sorry OP) my gut's telling me, and is defying expectations in favor of being what he feels is the best educator, which typically leads to boundary elision, which sometimes leads to an inappropriate relationship -- in other words, yep, grooming.

How do I know? I've seen it; I've heard it; and I've dealt with it both as an undergrad decades ago (hearing from a professor) and as an executive administrator in education at both the highest university levels as well as with a supervisor and consultant for PreK-12 teachers. I am conversant (as required) with standards for private and public sector education, especially with boundary 'issues' that can be perceived between teachers and students. I have delivered and participated in multiple (recent) required seminars and professional development opportunities for high school educators as recently as two weeks ago. Because I am a mandated reporter and because I supervise educators, as well as work with high school standards, I have concrete knowledge of expectations and also of legal and workplace sanctions and cases that have arisen from situations such as you describe. There is NO way that any current educator adhering to stated norms and expectations would make these statements; there's no way a good administrator who's practicing risk management and keeping his/her students' best interest would allow such behavior.

I wish you luck. And I'm telling you, without hyperbole despite my use of all caps, that this shouldn't be happening and your gut, your daughter's, and your husband's are telling you all you need to know.

Excellent post here. The teacher has been grossly inappropriate. Did you tell your daughter?

Dear God. This is why we have so few male teachers. Every little thing is picked apart and no matter what some freak thinks you are a pedo.

I hope to God you aren't another predator in the schools...

Nope I am a parent and sick of the baseless accusations

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, as a mother, I would be very concerned. And I would probably talk to my daughter about her feelings about her boyfriend, whether she thinks he's a loser, etc.,.

As a professional AND as a mother, I would be extremely concerned and would consider this a red flag. Perhaps the teacher 'means well,' but he is NOT LISTENING nor is he paying attention to ANY professional discourse in the field. For a teacher to comment on ANY student's relationship is unwise at best and outright dangerous at worst. What's more, the fact that your daughter (like most kids her age) is now inferring judgment about herself based on his attitude/actions (whether or not it's her perception or a reality) signals that HER gut is saying 'something's not right here.'

I won't presume to tell you what to do, because it's hard. The teacher needs to know, stat, that this is unacceptable behavior. He needs to hear it from an administrator. He might lose his job. Seriously, he would at some schools, no questions asked (assuming he said what your daughter has reported, and we have no reason to doubt it). If you go to an administrator -- and you should not go to the teacher directly -- you'll get some 'stuff,' not just from DCUM but perhaps your daughter and her peers and perhaps the school. However, if you don't go to the administration, then eventually, someone else will. Trust me: either the teacher is 'innocent' (and ignorant) and will keep on making inappropriate comments until he goes too far (innocently, ignorantly) and gets either fired or sued. Or, the teacher is what (I'm sorry OP) my gut's telling me, and is defying expectations in favor of being what he feels is the best educator, which typically leads to boundary elision, which sometimes leads to an inappropriate relationship -- in other words, yep, grooming.

How do I know? I've seen it; I've heard it; and I've dealt with it both as an undergrad decades ago (hearing from a professor) and as an executive administrator in education at both the highest university levels as well as with a supervisor and consultant for PreK-12 teachers. I am conversant (as required) with standards for private and public sector education, especially with boundary 'issues' that can be perceived between teachers and students. I have delivered and participated in multiple (recent) required seminars and professional development opportunities for high school educators as recently as two weeks ago. Because I am a mandated reporter and because I supervise educators, as well as work with high school standards, I have concrete knowledge of expectations and also of legal and workplace sanctions and cases that have arisen from situations such as you describe. There is NO way that any current educator adhering to stated norms and expectations would make these statements; there's no way a good administrator who's practicing risk management and keeping his/her students' best interest would allow such behavior.

I wish you luck. And I'm telling you, without hyperbole despite my use of all caps, that this shouldn't be happening and your gut, your daughter's, and your husband's are telling you all you need to know.

Excellent post here. The teacher has been grossly inappropriate. Did you tell your daughter?

Dear God. This is why we have so few male teachers. Every little thing is picked apart and no matter what some freak thinks you are a pedo.

I hope to God you aren't another predator in the schools...

Nope I am a parent and sick of the baseless accusations

Suspicions, my friend, suspicions. Parental vigilance is crucial these days. Creepy behavior is worrisome and a huge red flag. Don't ignore red flags.