DD's teacher (innocent or inappropriate)?

[Anonymous]

Ps PP here in my high school in the 80s a few abusive boyfriends, a friend gangraped, another rape/abusive male friend, slut shaming, alcohol-induced passed out sexual encounters, drugs, incest? Stepfather/cousin gossip, AD NAUSEUM wealthy Fairfax County. As a student I heard all of these factual stories. NO ONE told their parents or teachers but we all gossiped and talked. I am sure teachers vaguely aware. Do not discount this teacher.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP--same comment but made by a female teacher. Does that change how you feel?

+209 see my comment above. I pity the teachers who care. They really do care and than you come along.

[Anonymous]

Teachers are legally MANDATED to report suspected abuse of any sort.

Hint: There's a good reason why he DIDN'T.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Inappropriate - teachers should not comment on the personal lives of students unless asked by the student. Even then it's best not to comment.

Teachers should teach not try to buddy up with teenagers.

It's called "grooming". Alert your kid to this trend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Y’all are too much. It’s an off-hand comment that you’ve spent way too much time thinking about already.

Best to be vigilant. Always. Sorry, bro.

Got it. Enjoy homeschooling when there are no more people willing to be teachers because their intentions are always presumed to be nefarious.

Only creepy teachers have something to fear.

Unfortunately that's completely false these days.

Keep your little head in the sand. Too many kids are being sexually assaulted by teachers and bus drivers.

I literally almost spit my drink out. If you think THIS is a more pervasive problem than relationship or family abuse you’re delusional. —a prosecutor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, as a mother, I would be very concerned. And I would probably talk to my daughter about her feelings about her boyfriend, whether she thinks he's a loser, etc.,.

As a professional AND as a mother, I would be extremely concerned and would consider this a red flag. Perhaps the teacher 'means well,' but he is NOT LISTENING nor is he paying attention to ANY professional discourse in the field. For a teacher to comment on ANY student's relationship is unwise at best and outright dangerous at worst. What's more, the fact that your daughter (like most kids her age) is now inferring judgment about herself based on his attitude/actions (whether or not it's her perception or a reality) signals that HER gut is saying 'something's not right here.'

I won't presume to tell you what to do, because it's hard. The teacher needs to know, stat, that this is unacceptable behavior. He needs to hear it from an administrator. He might lose his job. Seriously, he would at some schools, no questions asked (assuming he said what your daughter has reported, and we have no reason to doubt it). If you go to an administrator -- and you should not go to the teacher directly -- you'll get some 'stuff,' not just from DCUM but perhaps your daughter and her peers and perhaps the school. However, if you don't go to the administration, then eventually, someone else will. Trust me: either the teacher is 'innocent' (and ignorant) and will keep on making inappropriate comments until he goes too far (innocently, ignorantly) and gets either fired or sued. Or, the teacher is what (I'm sorry OP) my gut's telling me, and is defying expectations in favor of being what he feels is the best educator, which typically leads to boundary elision, which sometimes leads to an inappropriate relationship -- in other words, yep, grooming.

How do I know? I've seen it; I've heard it; and I've dealt with it both as an undergrad decades ago (hearing from a professor) and as an executive administrator in education at both the highest university levels as well as with a supervisor and consultant for PreK-12 teachers. I am conversant (as required) with standards for private and public sector education, especially with boundary 'issues' that can be perceived between teachers and students. I have delivered and participated in multiple (recent) required seminars and professional development opportunities for high school educators as recently as two weeks ago. Because I am a mandated reporter and because I supervise educators, as well as work with high school standards, I have concrete knowledge of expectations and also of legal and workplace sanctions and cases that have arisen from situations such as you describe. There is NO way that any current educator adhering to stated norms and expectations would make these statements; there's no way a good administrator who's practicing risk management and keeping his/her students' best interest would allow such behavior.

I wish you luck. And I'm telling you, without hyperbole despite my use of all caps, that this shouldn't be happening and your gut, your daughter's, and your husband's are telling you all you need to know.

You're clearly perfect, so why are you not back in the classroom in order to use your superior knowledge to build relationships with kids in your clearly superior way. It's easy to do everything perfectly and never say anything that someone, somewhere can take the wrong way when you're the one sitting in an office and not actually forming relationships with kids. The fact that you consider this to be a potentially fireable offense tells me that you're not as great at your job as you think you are.

+1

What a smug a-hole PP is. Let’s FIRE a teacher for making a non-sexual, concerned remark. There’s someone who’s out of touch with reality and terrible at their job and it’s not the concerned teacher here. I sure hope you’re not an administrator at my kid’s school. LOL at the posting of your resume too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, as a mother, I would be very concerned. And I would probably talk to my daughter about her feelings about her boyfriend, whether she thinks he's a loser, etc.,.

As a professional AND as a mother, I would be extremely concerned and would consider this a red flag. Perhaps the teacher 'means well,' but he is NOT LISTENING nor is he paying attention to ANY professional discourse in the field. For a teacher to comment on ANY student's relationship is unwise at best and outright dangerous at worst. What's more, the fact that your daughter (like most kids her age) is now inferring judgment about herself based on his attitude/actions (whether or not it's her perception or a reality) signals that HER gut is saying 'something's not right here.'

I won't presume to tell you what to do, because it's hard. The teacher needs to know, stat, that this is unacceptable behavior. He needs to hear it from an administrator. He might lose his job. Seriously, he would at some schools, no questions asked (assuming he said what your daughter has reported, and we have no reason to doubt it). If you go to an administrator -- and you should not go to the teacher directly -- you'll get some 'stuff,' not just from DCUM but perhaps your daughter and her peers and perhaps the school. However, if you don't go to the administration, then eventually, someone else will. Trust me: either the teacher is 'innocent' (and ignorant) and will keep on making inappropriate comments until he goes too far (innocently, ignorantly) and gets either fired or sued. Or, the teacher is what (I'm sorry OP) my gut's telling me, and is defying expectations in favor of being what he feels is the best educator, which typically leads to boundary elision, which sometimes leads to an inappropriate relationship -- in other words, yep, grooming.

How do I know? I've seen it; I've heard it; and I've dealt with it both as an undergrad decades ago (hearing from a professor) and as an executive administrator in education at both the highest university levels as well as with a supervisor and consultant for PreK-12 teachers. I am conversant (as required) with standards for private and public sector education, especially with boundary 'issues' that can be perceived between teachers and students. I have delivered and participated in multiple (recent) required seminars and professional development opportunities for high school educators as recently as two weeks ago. Because I am a mandated reporter and because I supervise educators, as well as work with high school standards, I have concrete knowledge of expectations and also of legal and workplace sanctions and cases that have arisen from situations such as you describe. There is NO way that any current educator adhering to stated norms and expectations would make these statements; there's no way a good administrator who's practicing risk management and keeping his/her students' best interest would allow such behavior.

I wish you luck. And I'm telling you, without hyperbole despite my use of all caps, that this shouldn't be happening and your gut, your daughter's, and your husband's are telling you all you need to know.

You're clearly perfect, so why are you not back in the classroom in order to use your superior knowledge to build relationships with kids in your clearly superior way. It's easy to do everything perfectly and never say anything that someone, somewhere can take the wrong way when you're the one sitting in an office and not actually forming relationships with kids. The fact that you consider this to be a potentially fireable offense tells me that you're not as great at your job as you think you are.

+1

What a smug a-hole PP is. Let’s FIRE a teacher for making a non-sexual, concerned remark. There’s someone who’s out of touch with reality and terrible at their job and it’s not the concerned teacher here. I sure hope you’re not an administrator at my kid’s school. LOL at the posting of your resume too.

Surely you understand that grooming starts out as non-sexual.

[Anonymous]

1) I would absolutely have my daughter ask for the letter of recommendation.

2) I would absolutely NOT speak to the teacher about this but would ask my DD what about her boyfriend would make this teacher say it.

3). I'd wonder if this wasn't the teacher offering up a warning, don't miss out on the rest of your life by being in a serious relationship with someone in 12th grade. May not be anything but good advice.

[Anonymous]

5:20, I’m a prosecutor, so yes, I’m familiar with grooming. This isn’t it. It was a non-sexual remark...made in a public setting...with presumably others around...while he was grading papers...with no other evidence whatsoever of sketchiness. Get a grip. What is it like to go through life assuming every man is out to rape your children?

[Anonymous]

How well do you know the boyfriend OP?

[Anonymous]

I know a couple people who are older now who are married to former students. 17-18 year old girls are attractive. He was being mildly flirtatious which is inappropriate, but not predatory.. Teachers need to have a Chinese wall between their personal lives and those of their students. The message he sent by saying that is "I'm interested in your love life" which is clearly inappropriate. Grooming begins with sending out messages like this but also like this include plausible deniability. The next step depends on the responses of target if they are positive the grooming continues. If the ovature is rebuked the ovatures end.

It's difficult when a student or anyone is in a situation where a person in a power position over steps their bounds as was the case here. When this occurs we must find the courage to say "That's none of your business" or some equivalent. It's not an over the top response and it's not over reacting, but it sends out a strong message that you will not be preyed upon.

It's difficult to find the courage, but had she said that or some equivalent it is unlikely he would ever test those waters ever again.

[Anonymous]

I'm just reading through some of this...the angst. I have family members who are teachers- they are human. Not perfect. Sometimes they don't filter their thoughts. It doesn't mean anything nefarious or sinister. He may have simply meant that she is off to college and high school boyfriends don't work well for college. He may think the boyfriend is a douche and won't outright say it.

I can tell you that I have a male relative who is a high school teacher and he keeps it uber professional around the students because anything can be misinterpreted by overthinking parents and kids. No, that is not an excuse for real abuse or crossing lines, but I just don't see a statement like that as any reason to be concerned.

[Anonymous]

I respect the high school teacher who vehemently warned us to stay clear of a particular group of boys.

[Anonymous]

FWIW, When I was young there was an equally young women who I knew casually among a group of friends. She was attractive and I was attracted. One night we were in a bar and I was being flirtatious with her. She excused herself to go to the bathroom and apparently slipped out the back door. After about twenty minutes I figured out that she had ditched me. The next time I saw her at the bar she was with some friends and I said, what happened to you the other night. She said she had to go home because she had to get up early the next day.. I said in a poor attempt at humor "that's no excuse" (I know lame). Her response said with utter contempt was "I don't owe you any excuses . . . ." , and a few other rebukes that I can't remember because I was so humiliated after the first round of rebukes, I psychologically blacked out. I was speechless and just wanted to crawl out of that room.

All these years later I still think her responses were unnecessarily harsh and it still strings.

But, I can tell you this, I never tested those waters ever again. I don't think a women needs to verbally beat the crap out of a suitor, but I do know a firm verbal rebuke is usually enough to send the message, "you are not romantically welcomed here".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:5:20, I’m a prosecutor, so yes, I’m familiar with grooming. This isn’t it. It was a non-sexual remark...made in a public setting...with presumably others around...while he was grading papers...with no other evidence whatsoever of sketchiness. Get a grip. What is it like to go through life assuming every man is out to rape your children?

You are either not a prosecutor or you are an unqualified prosecutor.

No professional would insult a person for demonstrating concern for their children's well being.

You are not a prosecutor - you are a troll.