DD's teacher (innocent or inappropriate)?

[Anonymous]

OP--same comment but made by a female teacher. Does that change how you feel?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, as a mother, I would be very concerned. And I would probably talk to my daughter about her feelings about her boyfriend, whether she thinks he's a loser, etc.,.

As a professional AND as a mother, I would be extremely concerned and would consider this a red flag. Perhaps the teacher 'means well,' but he is NOT LISTENING nor is he paying attention to ANY professional discourse in the field. For a teacher to comment on ANY student's relationship is unwise at best and outright dangerous at worst. What's more, the fact that your daughter (like most kids her age) is now inferring judgment about herself based on his attitude/actions (whether or not it's her perception or a reality) signals that HER gut is saying 'something's not right here.'

I won't presume to tell you what to do, because it's hard. The teacher needs to know, stat, that this is unacceptable behavior. He needs to hear it from an administrator. He might lose his job. Seriously, he would at some schools, no questions asked (assuming he said what your daughter has reported, and we have no reason to doubt it). If you go to an administrator -- and you should not go to the teacher directly -- you'll get some 'stuff,' not just from DCUM but perhaps your daughter and her peers and perhaps the school. However, if you don't go to the administration, then eventually, someone else will. Trust me: either the teacher is 'innocent' (and ignorant) and will keep on making inappropriate comments until he goes too far (innocently, ignorantly) and gets either fired or sued. Or, the teacher is what (I'm sorry OP) my gut's telling me, and is defying expectations in favor of being what he feels is the best educator, which typically leads to boundary elision, which sometimes leads to an inappropriate relationship -- in other words, yep, grooming.

How do I know? I've seen it; I've heard it; and I've dealt with it both as an undergrad decades ago (hearing from a professor) and as an executive administrator in education at both the highest university levels as well as with a supervisor and consultant for PreK-12 teachers. I am conversant (as required) with standards for private and public sector education, especially with boundary 'issues' that can be perceived between teachers and students. I have delivered and participated in multiple (recent) required seminars and professional development opportunities for high school educators as recently as two weeks ago. Because I am a mandated reporter and because I supervise educators, as well as work with high school standards, I have concrete knowledge of expectations and also of legal and workplace sanctions and cases that have arisen from situations such as you describe. There is NO way that any current educator adhering to stated norms and expectations would make these statements; there's no way a good administrator who's practicing risk management and keeping his/her students' best interest would allow such behavior.

I wish you luck. And I'm telling you, without hyperbole despite my use of all caps, that this shouldn't be happening and your gut, your daughter's, and your husband's are telling you all you need to know.

Excellent post here. The teacher has been grossly inappropriate. Did you tell your daughter?

Dear God. This is why we have so few male teachers. Every little thing is picked apart and no matter what some freak thinks you are a pedo.

I hope to God you aren't another predator in the schools...

Nope I am a parent and sick of the baseless accusations

Suspicions, my friend, suspicions. Parental vigilance is crucial these days. Creepy behavior is worrisome and a huge red flag. Don't ignore red flags.

You are far more likely to be abused by a family member or family friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, as a mother, I would be very concerned. And I would probably talk to my daughter about her feelings about her boyfriend, whether she thinks he's a loser, etc.,.

As a professional AND as a mother, I would be extremely concerned and would consider this a red flag. Perhaps the teacher 'means well,' but he is NOT LISTENING nor is he paying attention to ANY professional discourse in the field. For a teacher to comment on ANY student's relationship is unwise at best and outright dangerous at worst. What's more, the fact that your daughter (like most kids her age) is now inferring judgment about herself based on his attitude/actions (whether or not it's her perception or a reality) signals that HER gut is saying 'something's not right here.'

I won't presume to tell you what to do, because it's hard. The teacher needs to know, stat, that this is unacceptable behavior. He needs to hear it from an administrator. He might lose his job. Seriously, he would at some schools, no questions asked (assuming he said what your daughter has reported, and we have no reason to doubt it). If you go to an administrator -- and you should not go to the teacher directly -- you'll get some 'stuff,' not just from DCUM but perhaps your daughter and her peers and perhaps the school. However, if you don't go to the administration, then eventually, someone else will. Trust me: either the teacher is 'innocent' (and ignorant) and will keep on making inappropriate comments until he goes too far (innocently, ignorantly) and gets either fired or sued. Or, the teacher is what (I'm sorry OP) my gut's telling me, and is defying expectations in favor of being what he feels is the best educator, which typically leads to boundary elision, which sometimes leads to an inappropriate relationship -- in other words, yep, grooming.

How do I know? I've seen it; I've heard it; and I've dealt with it both as an undergrad decades ago (hearing from a professor) and as an executive administrator in education at both the highest university levels as well as with a supervisor and consultant for PreK-12 teachers. I am conversant (as required) with standards for private and public sector education, especially with boundary 'issues' that can be perceived between teachers and students. I have delivered and participated in multiple (recent) required seminars and professional development opportunities for high school educators as recently as two weeks ago. Because I am a mandated reporter and because I supervise educators, as well as work with high school standards, I have concrete knowledge of expectations and also of legal and workplace sanctions and cases that have arisen from situations such as you describe. There is NO way that any current educator adhering to stated norms and expectations would make these statements; there's no way a good administrator who's practicing risk management and keeping his/her students' best interest would allow such behavior.

I wish you luck. And I'm telling you, without hyperbole despite my use of all caps, that this shouldn't be happening and your gut, your daughter's, and your husband's are telling you all you need to know.

Excellent post here. The teacher has been grossly inappropriate. Did you tell your daughter?

Dear God. This is why we have so few male teachers. Every little thing is picked apart and no matter what some freak thinks you are a pedo.

I hope to God you aren't another predator in the schools...

Nope I am a parent and sick of the baseless accusations

Suspicions, my friend, suspicions. Parental vigilance is crucial these days. Creepy behavior is worrisome and a huge red flag. Don't ignore red flags.

You are far more likely to be abused by a family member or family friend.

Or a romantic partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, as a mother, I would be very concerned. And I would probably talk to my daughter about her feelings about her boyfriend, whether she thinks he's a loser, etc.,.

As a professional AND as a mother, I would be extremely concerned and would consider this a red flag. Perhaps the teacher 'means well,' but he is NOT LISTENING nor is he paying attention to ANY professional discourse in the field. For a teacher to comment on ANY student's relationship is unwise at best and outright dangerous at worst. What's more, the fact that your daughter (like most kids her age) is now inferring judgment about herself based on his attitude/actions (whether or not it's her perception or a reality) signals that HER gut is saying 'something's not right here.'

I won't presume to tell you what to do, because it's hard. The teacher needs to know, stat, that this is unacceptable behavior. He needs to hear it from an administrator. He might lose his job. Seriously, he would at some schools, no questions asked (assuming he said what your daughter has reported, and we have no reason to doubt it). If you go to an administrator -- and you should not go to the teacher directly -- you'll get some 'stuff,' not just from DCUM but perhaps your daughter and her peers and perhaps the school. However, if you don't go to the administration, then eventually, someone else will. Trust me: either the teacher is 'innocent' (and ignorant) and will keep on making inappropriate comments until he goes too far (innocently, ignorantly) and gets either fired or sued. Or, the teacher is what (I'm sorry OP) my gut's telling me, and is defying expectations in favor of being what he feels is the best educator, which typically leads to boundary elision, which sometimes leads to an inappropriate relationship -- in other words, yep, grooming.

How do I know? I've seen it; I've heard it; and I've dealt with it both as an undergrad decades ago (hearing from a professor) and as an executive administrator in education at both the highest university levels as well as with a supervisor and consultant for PreK-12 teachers. I am conversant (as required) with standards for private and public sector education, especially with boundary 'issues' that can be perceived between teachers and students. I have delivered and participated in multiple (recent) required seminars and professional development opportunities for high school educators as recently as two weeks ago. Because I am a mandated reporter and because I supervise educators, as well as work with high school standards, I have concrete knowledge of expectations and also of legal and workplace sanctions and cases that have arisen from situations such as you describe. There is NO way that any current educator adhering to stated norms and expectations would make these statements; there's no way a good administrator who's practicing risk management and keeping his/her students' best interest would allow such behavior.

I wish you luck. And I'm telling you, without hyperbole despite my use of all caps, that this shouldn't be happening and your gut, your daughter's, and your husband's are telling you all you need to know.

Excellent post here. The teacher has been grossly inappropriate. Did you tell your daughter?

For goodness sakes, her DD is a senior so likely is almost 18. She is almost an adult and old enough to make appropriate decisions to not be a victim of child grooming.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, as a mother, I would be very concerned. And I would probably talk to my daughter about her feelings about her boyfriend, whether she thinks he's a loser, etc.,.

As a professional AND as a mother, I would be extremely concerned and would consider this a red flag. Perhaps the teacher 'means well,' but he is NOT LISTENING nor is he paying attention to ANY professional discourse in the field. For a teacher to comment on ANY student's relationship is unwise at best and outright dangerous at worst. What's more, the fact that your daughter (like most kids her age) is now inferring judgment about herself based on his attitude/actions (whether or not it's her perception or a reality) signals that HER gut is saying 'something's not right here.'

I won't presume to tell you what to do, because it's hard. The teacher needs to know, stat, that this is unacceptable behavior. He needs to hear it from an administrator. He might lose his job. Seriously, he would at some schools, no questions asked (assuming he said what your daughter has reported, and we have no reason to doubt it). If you go to an administrator -- and you should not go to the teacher directly -- you'll get some 'stuff,' not just from DCUM but perhaps your daughter and her peers and perhaps the school. However, if you don't go to the administration, then eventually, someone else will. Trust me: either the teacher is 'innocent' (and ignorant) and will keep on making inappropriate comments until he goes too far (innocently, ignorantly) and gets either fired or sued. Or, the teacher is what (I'm sorry OP) my gut's telling me, and is defying expectations in favor of being what he feels is the best educator, which typically leads to boundary elision, which sometimes leads to an inappropriate relationship -- in other words, yep, grooming.

How do I know? I've seen it; I've heard it; and I've dealt with it both as an undergrad decades ago (hearing from a professor) and as an executive administrator in education at both the highest university levels as well as with a supervisor and consultant for PreK-12 teachers. I am conversant (as required) with standards for private and public sector education, especially with boundary 'issues' that can be perceived between teachers and students. I have delivered and participated in multiple (recent) required seminars and professional development opportunities for high school educators as recently as two weeks ago. Because I am a mandated reporter and because I supervise educators, as well as work with high school standards, I have concrete knowledge of expectations and also of legal and workplace sanctions and cases that have arisen from situations such as you describe. There is NO way that any current educator adhering to stated norms and expectations would make these statements; there's no way a good administrator who's practicing risk management and keeping his/her students' best interest would allow such behavior.

I wish you luck. And I'm telling you, without hyperbole despite my use of all caps, that this shouldn't be happening and your gut, your daughter's, and your husband's are telling you all you need to know.

Excellent post here. The teacher has been grossly inappropriate. Did you tell your daughter?

Dear God. This is why we have so few male teachers. Every little thing is picked apart and no matter what some freak thinks you are a pedo.

I hope to God you aren't another predator in the schools...

Nope I am a parent and sick of the baseless accusations

Suspicions, my friend, suspicions. Parental vigilance is crucial these days. Creepy behavior is worrisome and a huge red flag. Don't ignore red flags.

You are far more likely to be abused by a family member or family friend.

That depends on your family. And on your school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Y’all are too much. It’s an off-hand comment that you’ve spent way too much time thinking about already.

Best to be vigilant. Always. Sorry, bro.

Got it. Enjoy homeschooling when there are no more people willing to be teachers because their intentions are always presumed to be nefarious.

Only creepy teachers have something to fear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Y’all are too much. It’s an off-hand comment that you’ve spent way too much time thinking about already.

Best to be vigilant. Always. Sorry, bro.

Got it. Enjoy homeschooling when there are no more people willing to be teachers because their intentions are always presumed to be nefarious.

Only creepy teachers have something to fear.

Unfortunately that's completely false these days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Y’all are too much. It’s an off-hand comment that you’ve spent way too much time thinking about already.

Best to be vigilant. Always. Sorry, bro.

Got it. Enjoy homeschooling when there are no more people willing to be teachers because their intentions are always presumed to be nefarious.

Only creepy teachers have something to fear.

Unfortunately that's completely false these days.

Keep your little head in the sand. Too many kids are being sexually assaulted by teachers and bus drivers.

[Anonymous]

Teachers hear all sorts of conversations at school about drug use, alcohol, sexual behavior, etc. because teenagers have no filter or ability to recognize where they are and where such conversations are appropriate. Teachers can't say anything to parents because it gets somehow blamed on the teacher. So I would assume this teacher was offhandedly warning your daughter since he couldn't actually say what he heard.

And for other commenters if you just want teachers to solely come to school, teach content and leave without forming relationships with students please share that with your school district. Because my district specifically wants teachers to show students we care, get to know them and support them emotionally. And parents ask me to frequently have conversations with students about such things because the child won't listen to them. Can't have it both ways folks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Y’all are too much. It’s an off-hand comment that you’ve spent way too much time thinking about already.

Best to be vigilant. Always. Sorry, bro.

Got it. Enjoy homeschooling when there are no more people willing to be teachers because their intentions are always presumed to be nefarious.

Only creepy teachers have something to fear.

Unfortunately that's completely false these days.

Exactly. It's gotten to the point where if a child comes to me needing help buttoning their pants after using the bathroom I won't do it. I will coach them or send them to the nurse. If they need help unbuttoning or taking off a belt or something else in order to be able to use the bathroom I will do everything I can to have another adult observe. The only reason I do that is because I don't want them to have an accident. (Parents, please stop dressing your children in clothing they can't handle independently). I am definitely not creepy but absolutely do have something to fear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Teachers hear all sorts of conversations at school about drug use, alcohol, sexual behavior, etc. because teenagers have no filter or ability to recognize where they are and where such conversations are appropriate. Teachers can't say anything to parents because it gets somehow blamed on the teacher. So I would assume this teacher was offhandedly warning your daughter since he couldn't actually say what he heard.

And for other commenters if you just want teachers to solely come to school, teach content and leave without forming relationships with students please share that with your school district. Because my district specifically wants teachers to show students we care, get to know them and support them emotionally. And parents ask me to frequently have conversations with students about such things because the child won't listen to them. Can't have it both ways folks.

Why exactly would you "assume" this male teacher was "offhandedly warning" the girl about the boyfriend?

[Anonymous]

If you are a male teacher, you do not refer to a female student’s boyfriend at all.

[Anonymous]

+100

Anonymous wrote:Neither, but it sounds like he knows the boyfriend is a loser.

+100
He knows the guy is a lost cause at this point of time. What do u think of boyfriend?

[Anonymous]

I had a high school English teacher my senior year very concerned about a fellow students relationship with an ABusive boyfriend. She was a female. But not all teachers all lechers and some truly care. I was another student (female) and she expressed her concern but as a young stupid teen I said nothing of the rumors I heard of him beating her up. Don't discount the teacher.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you are a male teacher, you do not refer to a female student’s boyfriend at all.

+1,000,000