Wife wants to move from city to small hometown, I don't

[Anonymous]

Team OP. I don’t get what sacrifices his wife made. She’s a SAHM and she chose to move to the city before they were even dating. He was honest with her that he wouldn’t move and she made the choice to marry him anyway.

I told my DH before we married that I would never move to his home town, no matter how much he wanted to. He still asks me about once a month if I’ll move there and I still say no every time. I’m sure he’s disappointed but this wasn’t a surprise to him.

We did end up moving to a small-ish town and it’s awful (I grew up in the city and lived there all my life). I hate it and I count down the days until we can move again.

Don’t do it, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The problem isn’t whether to live in a small town or city.

The problem is you don’t love your wife. You aren’t crazy about her. The way you describe the beginning of your relationship makes it obvious that you just went along with everything.

That is a really unfair judgement. If it comes across this way it's because I'm feeling very unsettled right now and I am resenting her putting me through this.

Yes, we didn't have a fairytale romance. In fact, I was really hard work for a long time (probably still am) and I had real trouble making a commitment. It wasn't until she got pregnant that I chose to grow up and move the relationship forward.

I love my wife and my children and you're not in a position to tell me I don't. You don't know anything me or our history, except for my discussing this one issue.

I'm a great father and husband and provider and I'd do anything for my family. I just feel very strongly about this one MASSIVE change in our lives she's asking for. - OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. Wow, the posters here are vapid.

OP, if you're still reading, I'm a wife who would personally hate living in a big city and yet I agree with you. You were up front from the beginning (and consistent throughout) about not wanting to move to her hometown. She accepted that and even assured you that she was in the city for herself, not for you, so you didn't even have the chance to think whether you really wanted to put her in a position where she'd have to make a choice between you and what she really wanted. Three years is a enough time to live somewhere that you could be reasonably sure that she really was living there for herself and not for you, before you decided to settle with her and had kids.

And now she wants to flip the switch and uproot the family (not just you but also the kids) to go do the exact opposite thing to what she agreed on. That's not reasonable. It's very unfair to you, and depending on your kids (their needs, personalities, interests, friendships, etc) it may be very unfair to them too. On the other hand, maybe it's the best thing for the kids. Only you can know that.

Personally, I think the "compromise" in this situation is to look around and choose another town altogether that would be new to both of you and that you both genuinely think would be a great place to raise the kids and that you BOTH are excited about starting a new chapter of your lives in, and consider that. You are not obligated at all to move to her small hometown.

Thanks. I'm thinking of suggesting we buy a property there that we can initially use as our holiday home, so we can spend more time there without being on top of her parents, and I can have my own space to retreat to.

We'll continue to live in the city for now, but we'll have the option to relocate there if we choose. Once I can get more used to the idea - and as a tester to see if I like it before we sold our current home.

I think that is a good starting compromise. - OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem isn’t whether to live in a small town or city.

The problem is you don’t love your wife. You aren’t crazy about her. The way you describe the beginning of your relationship makes it obvious that you just went along with everything.

That is a really unfair judgement. If it comes across this way it's because I'm feeling very unsettled right now and I am resenting her putting me through this.

Yes, we didn't have a fairytale romance. In fact, I was really hard work for a long time (probably still am) and I had real trouble making a commitment. It wasn't until she got pregnant that I chose to grow up and move the relationship forward.

I love my wife and my children and you're not in a position to tell me I don't. You don't know anything me or our history, except for my discussing this one issue.

I'm a great father and husband and provider and I'd do anything for my family. I just feel very strongly about this one MASSIVE change in our lives she's asking for. - OP

BA BAM! You are a keeper OP. I really loved your response, and I hope you wife appreciates your tremendous backbone.

I have friends that feel the same way about being homesick, and going home more often, as a family, helps them. 3 hours is not that far away, BTW.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

BA BAM! You are a keeper OP. I really loved your response, and I hope you wife appreciates your tremendous backbone.

Thanks for making my day OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

BA BAM! You are a keeper OP. I really loved your response, and I hope you wife appreciates your tremendous backbone.

Thanks for making my day OP

Seriously OP - good on you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

BA BAM! You are a keeper OP. I really loved your response, and I hope you wife appreciates your tremendous backbone.

Thanks for making my day OP

Seriously OP - good on you.

PP here. I hope I know you guys IRL

You sound like a strong, supportive spouse - don't let anyone change your perspective (not as if they could, anyway).

[Anonymous]

I bet 99% of you telling OP to move to a town of 8k, would never do that yourselves. You wouldn't survive... They probably don't even have a Whole Foods.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I bet 99% of you telling OP to move to a town of 8k, would never do that yourselves. You wouldn't survive... They probably don't even have a Whole Foods.

More like that there's not even a major grocery store within town boundaries. Towns like that have places like Walmart Supercenters/Fareway Grocery/ALDIs that they share with the mid-sized cities and other small towns nearby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I bet 99% of you telling OP to move to a town of 8k, would never do that yourselves. You wouldn't survive... They probably don't even have a Whole Foods.

More like that there's not even a major grocery store within town boundaries. Towns like that have places like Walmart Supercenters/Fareway Grocery/ALDIs that they share with the mid-sized cities and other small towns nearby.

I don't actually live in the USA. The town in question is actually fast-growing and has two supermarkets. - OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I bet 99% of you telling OP to move to a town of 8k, would never do that yourselves. You wouldn't survive... They probably don't even have a Whole Foods.

More like that there's not even a major grocery store within town boundaries. Towns like that have places like Walmart Supercenters/Fareway Grocery/ALDIs that they share with the mid-sized cities and other small towns nearby.

I don't actually live in the USA. The town in question is actually fast-growing and has two supermarkets. - OP

Interesting. Not to nitpick but having been to a lot of other countries - familial and ancestral line ties are a LOT strong outside the US and Canada than within it. If OPs wife is from a town her family has lived in for four hundred years it almost makes this scenario different. You can see that sort of thing play out in Corrado Assenza's story on Chef's Table.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I bet 99% of you telling OP to move to a town of 8k, would never do that yourselves. You wouldn't survive... They probably don't even have a Whole Foods.

More like that there's not even a major grocery store within town boundaries. Towns like that have places like Walmart Supercenters/Fareway Grocery/ALDIs that they share with the mid-sized cities and other small towns nearby.

I don't actually live in the USA. The town in question is actually fast-growing and has two supermarkets. - OP

Lol at you bringing up the fact that you are not in the US one minute after Jeff reveals that fact in Website Feedback. Such a coincidence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I don't actually live in the USA. The town in question is actually fast-growing and has two supermarkets. - OP

Lol at you bringing up the fact that you are not in the US one minute after Jeff reveals that fact in Website Feedback. Such a coincidence.

Sorry I have no idea what you are talking about - OP

[Anonymous]

I would like to tell you, OP, about how much I envy your situation. Hear me out, please.

I moved away from home very young from a very rural area. The nearest city is eight hours away from my hometown. Yes, eight. My entire family is a 23 hour drive. My hometown has a small airport and it's expensive to fly into it. I've lived in the DC area for almost 17 years. In that time, I've had my grandparents pass away and I've missed birthday, weddings, divorces, funerals and many Sunday dinners. I miss those Sunday dinners so much.
My family very rarely travels or leaves their small town and I often go 2-4 years without seeing them. As of the past six years, I've made it a personal mission to visit every two years. My DH and I are both employed and we often have to pay kennel fees that are outrageous, on top of figuring out schedules for our kids. We will never be able to move back to my hometown because there aren't jobs there and it's too isolated. It makes me sad and lonely. I hate missing out on so much and not having any family here. I dwell on it too much.

My point?

A three hour drive is NOTHING. Wake up Saturday and get in the car by nine. Arrive by noon. Spend the day or the night. Visit family and enjoy dinners together. Please tell your wife I would absolutely love it if my family were only three hours away. I wouldn't move, OP, I would just tell her to visit more. She's not working, so that shouldn't be a problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I bet 99% of you telling OP to move to a town of 8k, would never do that yourselves. You wouldn't survive... They probably don't even have a Whole Foods.

Seriously, I would never move to a small town, I don’t even like living in small cities. Fortunately, my spouse feels the same way.

It really sounds like op amd his wife are not terribly compatible, too late to fix that, however.