Wife wants to move from city to small hometown, I don't

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t mean to sound harsh but sounds like the wife laid out a few nice traps for the OP. OP fell for it originally and is about to really fall for it now by moving to some rural area where he knows no one.

Good grief. This wasn't a ONS where this woman got Op drunk in a purposeful attempt to seduce him and get pregnant by him. She knew Op for years, they had a friendship that led to something more. Then they got married with eyes wide open about each other. Nobody tricked anyone. Get over that notion.

Op told her point blank that he wouldn't consider moving to her hometown. She decided to stick with him in spite of that. She told Op that she wanted to marry and become a SAHM - Op agreed to that. Now that they have 3 kids and she has her hands full she would love to be closer to her family and friends.

Thank you for clearly stating the facts. There was indeed no traps set, and no bait-and-switch.

Now it's just a matter of working together to find a compromise we're both happy with. - OP

Thank you for clarifying this! I'm sorry, I didn't see that you had come back to do that. Still Team Op!

I think that couples counseling is a good start for you two. Having 3 young ones is a lot of fun but also a lot of stress on a marriage. Hang in there, Op!

[Anonymous]

OP, did you really need this thread to tell you to go to counseling and work on a compromise?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, did you really need this thread to tell you to go to counseling and work on a compromise?

Absolutely - OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She sacrificed her family to be with you.

To be fair, she didn't make any sacrifices to be in the city. She chose to move here shortly after we met. I never asked her to move here - OP

Wow. You’re a d*ck.

Np here. Why is he a dick? He never asked her to move.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:https://youtu.be/AsiLfAm765Y

Link to SATC scene where Big acts just like the OP.

PS - Carrie's dress is totes adorbz.

Who the f*ck keeps referencing sex and the city? It’s a tv show not reality. Get a life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:https://youtu.be/AsiLfAm765Y

Link to SATC scene where Big acts just like the OP.

PS - Carrie's dress is totes adorbz.

Who the f*ck keeps referencing sex and the city? It’s a tv show not reality. Get a life.

It's the epitome of navel-gazing selfishness...which is why it's often referenced in threads that involve navel-gazing selfishness. Get a clue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t mean to sound harsh but sounds like the wife laid out a few nice traps for the OP. OP fell for it originally and is about to really fall for it now by moving to some rural area where he knows no one.

Good grief. This wasn't a ONS where this woman got Op drunk in a purposeful attempt to seduce him and get pregnant by him. She knew Op for years, they had a friendship that led to something more. Then they got married with eyes wide open about each other. Nobody tricked anyone. Get over that notion.

Op told her point blank that he wouldn't consider moving to her hometown. She decided to stick with him in spite of that. She told Op that she wanted to marry and become a SAHM - Op agreed to that. Now that they have 3 kids and she has her hands full she would love to be closer to her family and friends.

Thank you for clearly stating the facts. There was indeed no traps set, and no bait-and-switch.

Now it's just a matter of working together to find a compromise we're both happy with. - OP

Of course, people never like to admin when they've been had, it's embarrassing and a real blow to the ego. You've been clear about what you wanted the entire time. She has not been. She thought she could change you on this topic since she was able to get you to marry her.

It does sound like you both settled, she wanted a higher earner than could be found in her podunk hometown so that she could SAH, and you are clearly not in love with her.

Having said that, you do sound a bit rigid. Have you ever lived outside of your city? I find that many people who claim to love their hometown areas so much are really just change averse.

If you want to make this marriage work, you both need to compromise.

[Anonymous]

How old are your kids? I know people who grew up in a small town. They all say it was great, but you have to leave when you are done with high school. No jobs and no study opportunities. It might be ok for you, but your kids will not settle there.
Harsh reality is that there are more opportunities in big cities, better schools, better doctors and hospitals

What will happen if you do not like it? Will you really be able to earn enough to support your family?

[Anonymous]

Np here. You two need to think of possible compromises like:

1. Move closer to home town, but it’s not as small as the home town.

2. Buy a vacation/weekend Home in the small town.

3. Encourage dw’s family to visit you two more often.

What if you two move to her hometown and she hates it? Perhaps it isn’t the hometown she misses but the friendships she used to have? The population of a small town can change a lot, and it might not be the same anymore.

I also don’t understand something: your dw followed her sister to the big city, and now she wants to follow her sister to their home town? Did I misunderstand?

[Anonymous]

Woman here and team OP. Seriously, OP specifically stated that DW chose to move only weeks into their relationship! He was tentative and let her know how he felt. Let’s switch it up, OP is a woman and some guy she’s dating decides to move to her neck of the woods a few weeks in. Not sure about you all but I’d be holy hell man, snap out of it! But, I’m a frequent poster who tends to side with the guys because that’s generally how I think. Once OP sold his biz and moved onto a more free floating biz, she seized the opportunity to suggest adios to the city. Women can be very patient and calculating. Not quite sure how or why things led to marriage but OP doesn’t seem like the wretch you’re all making him out to be. I have BTDT with my DH. Moved to his city very reluctantly because I was pregnant (calm down...we were already married for 2 years), but I kept my place in another city while married. It was pure bliss! Lived in DH city for 5 years. Wanted a change before DS started school. We built a home in a very small yet cosmopolitan, East Coast hamlet. And we’re done! 3 more years until DS is off to college. Great thing is we stayed connected to DS’s birth city and he is more connected there than here. Selling house, getting small rental here and same in DH city, where hopefully DS will attend college. OP downsize in your city and a place to accommodate your fam either in DW small town or the in between larger town. At some point when kids are older, you’ll both love the freedom to come and go between homes. Of course this is all pending financial means to do it. Marriage was absolutely bliss when we weren’t together all the time. Maybe you give her a time line that meets your needs with you new biz and her willingness. Decide where you both prefer kids to attend school and that’s home base. The other is the retreat to be near her fam or yours.

P.S. Any buyers interested in a 9 year new, pristine, beautifully built “green” home, 4200sf plus separate art studio and connected guest cottage...hit me up over the next few years lol. Mama’s gotta pay for college. I am not a realtor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
It does sound like you both settled, she wanted a higher earner than could be found in her podunk hometown so that she could SAH, and you are clearly not in love with her.

Wow that's a harsh assessment. - OP

Anonymous wrote:
Having said that, you do sound a bit rigid. Have you ever lived outside of your city? I find that many people who claim to love their hometown areas so much are really just change averse.

If you want to make this marriage work, you both need to compromise.

No, I've never left my home city, and the idea of moving away is very scary for me, so I know this is all driven by fear. Even moving to another city would be a very difficult change for me.
We've discussed living overseas for a couple of years, but I'm not sure I really have it in me to do it! - OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old are your kids? I know people who grew up in a small town. They all say it was great, but you have to leave when you are done with high school. No jobs and no study opportunities. It might be ok for you, but your kids will not settle there.
Harsh reality is that there are more opportunities in big cities, better schools, better doctors and hospitals

What will happen if you do not like it? Will you really be able to earn enough to support your family?

3 kids under 8.

I agree that if we moved there, our children would most likely leave once they are finished school, or if not, their opportunities are much more limited in a small town. - OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I also don’t understand something: your dw followed her sister to the big city, and now she wants to follow her sister to their home town? Did I misunderstand?

Correct. I think her sister (younger) is a huge influence on her. - OP

[Anonymous]

We moved from Fairfax County (population 1.2 million) to a county that is 4 times as large square mileage wise but has about a 6th of the population of Fairfax County.

The town we live in has a population of 20K although there are much smaller towns located throughout our county. The HS kids who play sports in our school really do some traveling to compete in their meets/games with our other county schools. Everything (stores, doctors, hotels, hospitals) is much more far flung here. That's a part of small(er) town life that I really hadn't considered and took some getting used to. There are plenty of pros, too. But small and smaller town living is going to be a big change from living in a more densely populated area.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:https://youtu.be/AsiLfAm765Y

Link to SATC scene where Big acts just like the OP.

PS - Carrie's dress is totes adorbz.

Who the f*ck keeps referencing sex and the city? It’s a tv show not reality. Get a life.

It's the epitome of navel-gazing selfishness...which is why it's often referenced in threads that involve navel-gazing selfishness. Get a clue.

Selfishness of OPs, wife, I presume?