Wife wants to move from city to small hometown, I don't

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Literally everything you've shared makes you sound unwilling to compromise (at best). Candidly, you seem to take every opportunity to throw your wife under the bus. And that's not cool.

I posted to ask for help to compromise. If I was firmly against doing anything I didn't want to my mind would be made up and I'd not need to be asking for advice. - OP

You’ve received several suggestions for compromises. Which ones seem viable and something you’d like to suggest to your spouse? Then we can all move on.

So far I've suggested we buy some land there. That's as far as I've gotten. - OP

That wasn’t the question. I asked which of the compromises suggested HERE (meaning this thread) might you find as ones you would suggest to your spouse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
So far I've suggested we buy some land there. That's as far as I've gotten. - OP

That wasn’t the question. I asked which of the compromises suggested HERE (meaning this thread) might you find as ones you would suggest to your spouse?

It's been hard to focus on the very few suggestions with all the criticism and judgement. I think I've managed to come up with a compromise on my own that I'll suggest to my wife.

Thanks, end of thread. - OP

[Anonymous]

Show the thread to your wife.

[Anonymous]

She's made a ton of sacrifices for you and now you are in a position to do something for her. Using your child as an excuse is lame as kids move all the time and the only time it is really an issue is in HS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Unfortunately, a therapist can't train you to love your wife and prioritize her happiness.

If I should prioritize her happiness, should she in turn prioritize mine? Who ultimately gets priority and why? - OP

Um, has she not been prioritizing your happiness for however many years you lived in the city? You are a huge chump.

[Anonymous]

NP. Wow, the posters here are vapid.

OP, if you're still reading, I'm a wife who would personally hate living in a big city and yet I agree with you. You were up front from the beginning (and consistent throughout) about not wanting to move to her hometown. She accepted that and even assured you that she was in the city for herself, not for you, so you didn't even have the chance to think whether you really wanted to put her in a position where she'd have to make a choice between you and what she really wanted. Three years is a enough time to live somewhere that you could be reasonably sure that she really was living there for herself and not for you, before you decided to settle with her and had kids.

And now she wants to flip the switch and uproot the family (not just you but also the kids) to go do the exact opposite thing to what she agreed on. That's not reasonable. It's very unfair to you, and depending on your kids (their needs, personalities, interests, friendships, etc) it may be very unfair to them too. On the other hand, maybe it's the best thing for the kids. Only you can know that.

Personally, I think the "compromise" in this situation is to look around and choose another town altogether that would be new to both of you and that you both genuinely think would be a great place to raise the kids and that you BOTH are excited about starting a new chapter of your lives in, and consider that. You are not obligated at all to move to her small hometown.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. Wow, the posters here are vapid.

OP, if you're still reading, I'm a wife who would personally hate living in a big city and yet I agree with you. You were up front from the beginning (and consistent throughout) about not wanting to move to her hometown. She accepted that and even assured you that she was in the city for herself, not for you, so you didn't even have the chance to think whether you really wanted to put her in a position where she'd have to make a choice between you and what she really wanted. Three years is a enough time to live somewhere that you could be reasonably sure that she really was living there for herself and not for you, before you decided to settle with her and had kids.

And now she wants to flip the switch and uproot the family (not just you but also the kids) to go do the exact opposite thing to what she agreed on. That's not reasonable. It's very unfair to you, and depending on your kids (their needs, personalities, interests, friendships, etc) it may be very unfair to them too. On the other hand, maybe it's the best thing for the kids. Only you can know that.

Personally, I think the "compromise" in this situation is to look around and choose another town altogether that would be new to both of you and that you both genuinely think would be a great place to raise the kids and that you BOTH are excited about starting a new chapter of your lives in, and consider that. You are not obligated at all to move to her small hometown.

I really don't understand your suggestion. Are you one of those people who creates a new last name to avoid choosing one last name over another?

She wants to move to be near her family. Period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. Wow, the posters here are vapid.

OP, if you're still reading, I'm a wife who would personally hate living in a big city and yet I agree with you. You were up front from the beginning (and consistent throughout) about not wanting to move to her hometown. She accepted that and even assured you that she was in the city for herself, not for you, so you didn't even have the chance to think whether you really wanted to put her in a position where she'd have to make a choice between you and what she really wanted. Three years is a enough time to live somewhere that you could be reasonably sure that she really was living there for herself and not for you, before you decided to settle with her and had kids.

And now she wants to flip the switch and uproot the family (not just you but also the kids) to go do the exact opposite thing to what she agreed on. That's not reasonable. It's very unfair to you, and depending on your kids (their needs, personalities, interests, friendships, etc) it may be very unfair to them too. On the other hand, maybe it's the best thing for the kids. Only you can know that.

Personally, I think the "compromise" in this situation is to look around and choose another town altogether that would be new to both of you and that you both genuinely think would be a great place to raise the kids and that you BOTH are excited about starting a new chapter of your lives in, and consider that. You are not obligated at all to move to her small hometown.

I agree with this poster. You can move closer to her home town just compromise and find a larger town that is a good fit for both of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, you are being pretty selfish. She's made sacrifices for you for years. And what have you sacrificed for her? Nothing.

Why not give it a shot?

Candidly, the way you describe your relationship is very telling. You make it sound like you did her a favor by marrying her, and since she knew what she was getting into she isn't allowed to complain.

NP but +1 to basically all of this. You are being very selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's made a ton of sacrifices for you and now you are in a position to do something for her. Using your child as an excuse is lame as kids move all the time and the only time it is really an issue is in HS.

Oh boo hoo, a grown woman is in another area because her husband who is the breadwinner is better able to support the family where they live. What sacrifice?

[Anonymous]

The problem isn’t whether to live in a small town or city.

The problem is you don’t love your wife. You aren’t crazy about her. The way you describe the beginning of your relationship makes it obvious that you just went along with everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most people want to make their spouse happy (and that's the "no duh" secret to a happy marriage). Apparently you don't. You simply want your spouse to make you happy. That's the definition of selfish.

No need to move, op. I'm sure she'll reach her breaking point, file for custody, and take the kids. Then I'm sure you will be back here kvetching about paying child support...and complaining about dating. I wonder how you'll feel when your kids complain about visiting you in the city...and when they start calling some other guy "Dad."

You are way out of line. This women knew she didn't want to live in the city, classic bait and switch.

To be fair I'm really not sure that that's true. I fully believe that 15 years ago, when she was young and childless, she may have believed that she would be okay living in the city for the foreseeable future. Then time passed and she had kids and things changed, and she started to miss home more and more. I don't see it as some sinister bait and switch plan she had from the beginning; I think how she felt changed, and that makes sense. Family is very important to some people. I don't think anyone goes into a marriage thinking okay, I'm obligated to stay living wherever my spouse wants to for the rest of my life - you make plans and change plans and figure it out together.

I met my husband when we were both living in a different (new/neither of us are from here) city. We've been here 10 years - he loves it here and if he had it his way we would never move. But as we've had kids, I miss my family more and more - and no, not because I think if we live near them they'll provide childcare. Because I want them to get to be close to their grandparents and aunts/uncles/cousins - and because I miss them, simple as that. For several years now I've talked about moving back to the east coast to be closer to my family, and (thankfully) he gets it. We won't leave tomorrow, but he understands that we've lived where he wants I be for awhile and it is fair to start looking at ways to move our lives closer to where I'd really like to be for awhile. That's marsiage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, you are being pretty selfish. She's made sacrifices for you for years. And what have you sacrificed for her? Nothing.

Why not give it a shot?

Candidly, the way you describe your relationship is very telling. You make it sound like you did her a favor by marrying her, and since she knew what she was getting into she isn't allowed to complain.

NP but +1 to basically all of this. You are being very selfish.

I would agree. You seem to look down on your wife - it's not hard to conclude you're probably not providing her with much emotional support, and it makes sense why she feels like she really wants to be closer to her real support system.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most people want to make their spouse happy (and that's the "no duh" secret to a happy marriage). Apparently you don't. You simply want your spouse to make you happy. That's the definition of selfish.

No need to move, op. I'm sure she'll reach her breaking point, file for custody, and take the kids. Then I'm sure you will be back here kvetching about paying child support...and complaining about dating. I wonder how you'll feel when your kids complain about visiting you in the city...and when they start calling some other guy "Dad."

You are way out of line. This women knew she didn't want to live in the city, classic bait and switch.

To be fair I'm really not sure that that's true. I fully believe that 15 years ago, when she was young and childless, she may have believed that she would be okay living in the city for the foreseeable future. Then time passed and she had kids and things changed, and she started to miss home more and more. I don't see it as some sinister bait and switch plan she had from the beginning; I think how she felt changed, and that makes sense. Family is very important to some people. I don't think anyone goes into a marriage thinking okay, I'm obligated to stay living wherever my spouse wants to for the rest of my life - you make plans and change plans and figure it out together.

I met my husband when we were both living in a different (new/neither of us are from here) city. We've been here 10 years - he loves it here and if he had it his way we would never move. But as we've had kids, I miss my family more and more - and no, not because I think if we live near them they'll provide childcare. Because I want them to get to be close to their grandparents and aunts/uncles/cousins - and because I miss them, simple as that. For several years now I've talked about moving back to the east coast to be closer to my family, and (thankfully) he gets it. We won't leave tomorrow, but he understands that we've lived where he wants I be for awhile and it is fair to start looking at ways to move our lives closer to where I'd really like to be for awhile. That's marsiage

There is a BIG difference between being okay with living in the city and loving the city. She would have figured that out quickly in the first year let alone three years she spent living in the city before they even got in a relationship.

If she didn't know her own needs, why did she tell him she moved to the city for herself and was fine staying there? If she'd been hankering for the small town for 5+ years pre-marriage - simple solution: MOVE. BACK. HOME.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. Wow, the posters here are vapid.

OP, if you're still reading, I'm a wife who would personally hate living in a big city and yet I agree with you. You were up front from the beginning (and consistent throughout) about not wanting to move to her hometown. She accepted that and even assured you that she was in the city for herself, not for you, so you didn't even have the chance to think whether you really wanted to put her in a position where she'd have to make a choice between you and what she really wanted. Three years is a enough time to live somewhere that you could be reasonably sure that she really was living there for herself and not for you, before you decided to settle with her and had kids.

And now she wants to flip the switch and uproot the family (not just you but also the kids) to go do the exact opposite thing to what she agreed on. That's not reasonable. It's very unfair to you, and depending on your kids (their needs, personalities, interests, friendships, etc) it may be very unfair to them too. On the other hand, maybe it's the best thing for the kids. Only you can know that.

Personally, I think the "compromise" in this situation is to look around and choose another town altogether that would be new to both of you and that you both genuinely think would be a great place to raise the kids and that you BOTH are excited about starting a new chapter of your lives in, and consider that. You are not obligated at all to move to her small hometown.

I really don't understand your suggestion. Are you one of those people who creates a new last name to avoid choosing one last name over another?

She wants to move to be near her family. Period.

He made it clear, 100% non-ambiguous and non-negotiable, from the very beginning, that he was not interested in moving to her dinky hometown. He was not, and was never going to, put up with living there for her. She assured him that his definition of happiness was her definition of happiness, and that she's happy to stay in the city. She can't then turn around and say that she's unhappy, and demand that he be unhappy so that she can be happy. Not when she's the one breaking their contract. Assuming that he can continue to make the same income somewhere else (since it seems like she's pretty happy to continue using the $$$ he earns) then the best she can hope for, and the most that's reasonable, is for her to make a proposal for them to move to another town/city that they'd both enjoy.