Wife wants to move from city to small hometown, I don't

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Did you marry this woman or did you sign a contractual business agreement with her. Is she your wife or a rather ungrateful and difficult employee?

Op, your wife needs to move with the children to be closer to her family. If you want to go with them then figure out a town that is closer to her hometown. If you really don't want to be married than you need to discuss that with your wife, too.

You sound truly conflicted. I hope things get better.

She doesn't need to move to be closer to her family, she wants to move. What kind of woman fails to build support networks in a big city over 10+ years? There's all kinds of opportunities out there with preschool parents and others in similar circumstances. And with OP's income level, she can certainly afford help so enough with the kvetching about being chained to the diaper bag.

If Op is busy badmouthing her behind her back and every dime, aside from "her half of the house" belongs to Op.....then that could be part of the reason she may be having a difficult time establishing a network of friends in that big city. No one wants to get involved in that mess.

[Anonymous]

So it said in the OP that the sister lived in the big city, when the wife first wanted to move there. Then the sister must have decided to move back to the small town, maybe because of the the kids she now has and wanting to be close to the parents? Any chance that the sister and parents could move to the big city? The sister must have liked it once. I know one family who relocated everyone so they could all be together again. The parents and all three siblings with their families all moved and are very happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t mean to sound harsh but sounds like the wife laid out a few nice traps for the OP. OP fell for it originally and is about to really fall for it now by moving to some rural area where he knows no one.

Yep, bait and switch. Like I said in the beginning of the thread. No real options from a small town; especially to find a high earner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
She's a woman who relentlessly pursued him for several years before finally trapping him into marriage by getting pregnant and choosing to keep the baby.

Tobe fair, we planned to try for a baby, and that was 4 years into our relationship. - OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Honestly, I think that she probably is feeling overwhelmed with the constant 24/7 childcare responsibilities and the idea of having some back up care from her family and friends sounds really appealing to her. Anyone who thinks that staying home with three young kids is easy is not around children very much.

Yes, I think so too. I can't imagine looking after children fulltime. I want us to go to couples counseling to work out these issues together. Fortunately she's open to seeing someone. - OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

It was the way you brushed off the contributions that she has made to your marriage - she got half of my house! You don't sound like you view her as a partner. You sort of make her sound liked the hired help that you were forced into hiring.

She didn't *get* half my house, I voluntarily gave it to her, as recognition of the life we've built together. Keep in mind, I already owned a house before we got together. We didn't save together for a deposit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also I think OP you have to step back and really revisit the beginning of your relationship. She was coming from a very small town and there wasn’t a lot of options likely left relationship wise. At the time, she probably felt your were her only chance to get married and have a family. Now time has passed and she has met lots more people, been exposed to lots of new people, ideas, nicer guys, etc and may now feel like she settled and really missed out but now with 3 kids she can’t do anything to change her situation. She might feel that moving back home will help her feel satisfied were her lot in life as it is. Your mistake OP is not realizing that she too might have simply settled for you and that you both are not at the same place. Stuck with someone who is ok but that you aren’t in love with and never were. No doubt that you love each other and since you have kids, it would be best to keep working with a therapist to build up the relationship you have.

In the 3 years between meeting and us eventually getting together, she had a couple of boyfriends she met in the city, so it's not like I was the only option for her. She's said it was always just me she wanted to be with. In fact, when I came to my senses and told her how I felt about her she promptly dropped the guy she was seeing.

As for being in love, I've always struggled with this concept. I've always had trouble with commitment, so every step has been a challenge for me: her moving in, having a baby, getting married. I can't say I was on cloud 9 for any of it. It wasn't until I'd gotten used to the each stage that it became something I was glad happened.

And I accept the irony of what I just said in comparison to my resistance to moving to her home town. I very well could get used to it and be really glad we did it, but it is a MAJORLY overwhelming amount of change all in one go.

- OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t mean to sound harsh but sounds like the wife laid out a few nice traps for the OP. OP fell for it originally and is about to really fall for it now by moving to some rural area where he knows no one.

Good grief. This wasn't a ONS where this woman got Op drunk in a purposeful attempt to seduce him and get pregnant by him. She knew Op for years, they had a friendship that led to something more. Then they got married with eyes wide open about each other. Nobody tricked anyone. Get over that notion.

Op told her point blank that he wouldn't consider moving to her hometown. She decided to stick with him in spite of that. She told Op that she wanted to marry and become a SAHM - Op agreed to that. Now that they have 3 kids and she has her hands full she would love to be closer to her family and friends.

Thank you for clearly stating the facts. There was indeed no traps set, and no bait-and-switch.

Now it's just a matter of working together to find a compromise we're both happy with. - OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What!?! Of course, unhappiness can be found outside the mind. Your therapist is a quack.

An otherwise happy person can absolutely be made to feel miserable by outside sources. Unhappiness can absolutely be situational and can improve a great deal with a change of scene.

Maybe that's what the therapist is saying?

The scenery can change but you still have to be the same person.

In western culture we're all chasing happiness through changes and upgrades to a perceived "better future."

But like anything that changes you get used to it and it becomes the new normal.

That's why people think that a new house, car, spouse, job, will make them happy. You soon get accustomed to it, and there you are again, just the same as before.

I truly believe happiness can't be found outside the mind. - OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
You sound like a narcissist. A man seeing a therapist. You think your wife tricked you into marriage. Everything is about you. Get over yourself.

I don't recall ever saying she tricked me into marriage. We planned to have a baby and then we got married. Nobody tricked me into anything - OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
If Op is busy badmouthing her behind her back and every dime, aside from "her half of the house" belongs to Op.....then that could be part of the reason she may be having a difficult time establishing a network of friends in that big city. No one wants to get involved in that mess.

OMG, where have I ever said I badmouth her to anyone??!? - OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So it said in the OP that the sister lived in the big city, when the wife first wanted to move there. Then the sister must have decided to move back to the small town, maybe because of the the kids she now has and wanting to be close to the parents? Any chance that the sister and parents could move to the big city? The sister must have liked it once. I know one family who relocated everyone so they could all be together again. The parents and all three siblings with their families all moved and are very happy.

No, she was at university in the city and as soon as she finished she moved back home. It wasn't until a few years later she had children.

The family wouldn't move to the city. They have their lives where they live. Just like I have my life here. Plus, the cost to buy a home in the city is about 4x that of this particular town.

- OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
If Op is busy badmouthing her behind her back and every dime, aside from "her half of the house" belongs to Op.....then that could be part of the reason she may be having a difficult time establishing a network of friends in that big city. No one wants to get involved in that mess.

OMG, where have I ever said I badmouth her to anyone??!? - OP

You backhand her with every description of her on this thread. I realize this is an anonymous forum and that you are venting but you certainly aren't describing her in a favorable light here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
You backhand her with every description of her on this thread. I realize this is an anonymous forum and that you are venting but you certainly aren't describing her in a favorable light here.

Because I'm extremely stressed by the situation and feeling very unsettled. Surely you can understand I am harboring some resentment towards her!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
You backhand her with every description of her on this thread. I realize this is an anonymous forum and that you are venting but you certainly aren't describing her in a favorable light here.

Because I'm extremely stressed by the situation and feeling very unsettled. Surely you can understand I am harboring some resentment towards her!

Yes, I do understand that. I can't be team Op if you continue to disrespect her though.