Wife wants to move from city to small hometown, I don't

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
A three hour drive is NOTHING. Wake up Saturday and get in the car by nine. Arrive by noon. Spend the day or the night. Visit family and enjoy dinners together. Please tell your wife I would absolutely love it if my family were only three hours away. I wouldn't move, OP, I would just tell her to visit more. She's not working, so that shouldn't be a problem.

I've told her many many times over the years she can go whenever she wants and it's ONLY 3 hours, but for her it's about the ability to just pop over to see her sister or parents, whenever, without it having to be a planned weekend away.
She can even fly there, which we've done many times, and it's only a 30 minute flight.

But thanks, I totally agree with you on this one. I'm just wondering if she needs to have a real taste of what returning home would be like, because it's very easy to get caught up in the attention you get when visiting and the fantasy that that's what it will always be like, - OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
A three hour drive is NOTHING. Wake up Saturday and get in the car by nine. Arrive by noon. Spend the day or the night. Visit family and enjoy dinners together. Please tell your wife I would absolutely love it if my family were only three hours away. I wouldn't move, OP, I would just tell her to visit more. She's not working, so that shouldn't be a problem.

I've told her many many times over the years she can go whenever she wants and it's ONLY 3 hours, but for her it's about the ability to just pop over to see her sister or parents, whenever, without it having to be a planned weekend away.
She can even fly there, which we've done many times, and it's only a 30 minute flight.

But thanks, I totally agree with you on this one. I'm just wondering if she needs to have a real taste of what returning home would be like, because it's very easy to get caught up in the attention you get when visiting and the fantasy that that's what it will always be like, - OP

I was the poster above. Your wife sounds unreasonable.

[Anonymous]

OP I felt this way once my siblings all ended up back in the place we grew up and started their families there. It really is about being able to be part of their daily / weekly lives - riding bikes with their cousins all summer, stopping over to see grandma and grandpa on the way home from school, casual impromptu handouts that aren't big orchestrated visits. Honestly, I can see why you feel the way you do but I also totally get why she feels the way she does, and it is not going to go away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I felt this way once my siblings all ended up back in the place we grew up and started their families there. It really is about being able to be part of their daily / weekly lives - riding bikes with their cousins all summer, stopping over to see grandma and grandpa on the way home from school, casual impromptu handouts that aren't big orchestrated visits. Honestly, I can see why you feel the way you do but I also totally get why she feels the way she does, and it is not going to go away.

Yes I do too. Mu children's two cousins live there and they just love spending time with them. They are always sad when we leave. It just adds to the "them vs me" feeling! - OP

[Anonymous]

Woman here. I do not get all the people who are claiming OP's wife has made all these sacrifices. The crazy lady who keeps threatening that OPs kids will call some other man "Dad" is totally off her rocker. Y'all are crazy ladies.

OP has been totally straight with his wife. His wife doesn't want to hear it. I think OP's suggestion of a vacation property is a really good compromise but because OPs wife sounds pretty self-absorbed I suspect she won't be happy with anything unless she totally gets her way.

OP, what I would not do is move under these circumstances. You will be miserable and far from your family and your own support system and pretty angry and resentful. Try the vacation property first and see how it goes.

[Anonymous]

I think both of you need therapy. You sound high anxiety and OCD, she sounds depressed. Usually people want to make a change thinking that things will be better if we move, change this or that. You with your anxiety are not open to any change. Her spending summers in her hometown isn't a big deal at all. Plenty of us do the same if SAH when kids are little. Heck, I spent most summers in Europe where my parents live when I wasn't working and kids were young. DH didn't think a single thing about it. Both of your should try to be more accepting of your differences and needs. Now, as for me, I couldn't imagine living in a small town, I would go nuts, nuts, nuts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think both of you need therapy. You sound high anxiety and OCD, she sounds depressed. Usually people want to make a change thinking that things will be better if we move, change this or that. You with your anxiety are not open to any change. Her spending summers in her hometown isn't a big deal at all. Plenty of us do the same if SAH when kids are little. Heck, I spent most summers in Europe where my parents live when I wasn't working and kids were young. DH didn't think a single thing about it. Both of your should try to be more accepting of your differences and needs. Now, as for me, I couldn't imagine living in a small town, I would go nuts, nuts, nuts.

Why do you think he has high anxiety? He sounds pretty stable to me. Totally consistent with what he wants, taking risks with his business, earning good money, marrying his girlfriend when she got pregnant. She does sound depressed though, thinking things will magically get better in her hometown. It probably won’t though.

[Anonymous]

I haven’t read every response but I do t think you are a villain, OP; you’ve been very honest from the start. Moving to a tiny town would be a huge change, and not necessary; you can have the best of both worlds by buying a summer home in your wife’s hometown. I imagine it’s very affordable.

She’s a SAHM and can spend the whole summer there with the kids. You can be there on weekends, or even weeks at a time if that’s doable. You can stay there on school holidays, or at least your wife can go with the kids. Any weekend the kids don’t have activities you all (or just she and the kids) can hop in the car and drive there. Three hours away isn’t a terrible drive.

There’s your compromise; it’s reasonable, affordable, and practical. Done.

[Anonymous]

^^ meant I *don’t* think you are a villain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Woman here. I do not get all the people who are claiming OP's wife has made all these sacrifices. The crazy lady who keeps threatening that OPs kids will call some other man "Dad" is totally off her rocker. Y'all are crazy ladies.

OP has been totally straight with his wife. His wife doesn't want to hear it. I think OP's suggestion of a vacation property is a really good compromise but because OPs wife sounds pretty self-absorbed I suspect she won't be happy with anything unless she totally gets her way.

OP, what I would not do is move under these circumstances. You will be miserable and far from your family and your own support system and pretty angry and resentful. Try the vacation property first and see how it goes.

Another woman here. Totally agree with you. Insane that people are giving relationship advice from Sex & the City. That's the absolute last place I would ever get advice from.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think both of you need therapy. You sound high anxiety and OCD, she sounds depressed. Usually people want to make a change thinking that things will be better if we move, change this or that. You with your anxiety are not open to any change. Her spending summers in her hometown isn't a big deal at all. Plenty of us do the same if SAH when kids are little. Heck, I spent most summers in Europe where my parents live when I wasn't working and kids were young. DH didn't think a single thing about it. Both of your should try to be more accepting of your differences and needs. Now, as for me, I couldn't imagine living in a small town, I would go nuts, nuts, nuts.

Why do you think he has high anxiety? He sounds pretty stable to me. Totally consistent with what he wants, taking risks with his business, earning good money, marrying his girlfriend when she got pregnant. She does sound depressed though, thinking things will magically get better in her hometown. It probably won’t though.

Because he wrote it in op. Something like, "I am only good at making small changes at a time, so uprooting.....causes me high anxiety." His wife is pining over some imagined ideal childhood and family dynamic. Maybe OP can show her what I will relate now. I am visiting my family in Europe right now. But, big city now. The way I grew up is gone, there are no more orchards all over, there are no more kids riding bikes everywhere like my cousins and I did when we were a far out village/suburb of the capital long ago. It is so lovely visiting and having all the attention for the first few days. When kids were young they were sun and the stars to my parents, my sister, and everybody made an effort to see me and the kids. Now, kids are older, can't stand old fashioned grandma fussing, want to do something all the time, and they do,(big city now, remember) yet it is still a far cry from DC Metro teen life. It would be so much worse in a small town USA for teens. Fast forward to today, I visit and help with my dad who is immobile, has severe dementia and around the clock nursing help. Everybody is harping about something, mom wants attention that dad is now getting. Sister is stressed about dad. Basically, things are far, far from some fairy tale right now. And this happens to everyone. To all families, all around the world. His wife needs a reality check. I would suggest that you and your DW think about purchasing a summer home in her hometown. I mean, it is 3 hours away! That is practically just a bit longer than many people have as a commute in DC. Have her go there and stay on her own, in her own place during the summer, and you visit as much as you can during the summer. Unhappy people chase happiness and yet happiness always escapes. Because you can't find it outside your own mind. I bet your she stays there in her own place for 2 months in the summer, her family would be so much less attentive than during some short visit. Plus, what about school? Are you telling me that some tiny rural school is as good as schools in DC metro? I think summer house is a good compromise, and if that is a viable financial option, that might be a compromise that both OP and his wife are happy with. Can your wife not imagine what it would be for you living is a small town? Can't she show the same empathy as she is so unhappy with living in a big town? I would think that a reasonable person could at least try to see the other side of the coin, OP and his wife are basically in a flipped mirror image. She wants him to do the same thing that is making her so unhappy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Team Wife. It sounds like she never really wanted to be a city girl but the other option was losing you. Which apparently might not have been so bad, because you sound like a selfish ass. I might be biased as I’m from and currently live in a small town, but small town life can be wonderful. I love it. I’ve lived just outside of NYC and I’ve lived in a mid sized capital city in the South, and always wanted to and went back to the small town I’m from.

But if you are a small town girl, why would you move to the big city to date a guy, marry a guy you know doesn’t want to move away from the city , have 3 kids with him and become a SAHM and keep complaining about moving back? Before you say “yes”, discuss that you want to move back when the kids are school age or whatever and if you can’t agree, then break up and find someone that wants the same things as life as you.

[Anonymous]

Lady here who kind of had the reverse happen as DH is from a small midwestern town 3 plane flights away. Guess what, I moved there for a few years for his education + some work experience, and afterwards we moved back to DC. We recently settled in the DC suburbs as DH wanted somewhere more neighborly (still in the beltway) even though much more of I'm a city girl having grown up in New York. It is all about compromise which makes for a happy relationship. Find somewhere that will make both of you happy, as others have suggest maybe there is somewhere between DC and the small town where you could both be happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's made a ton of sacrifices for you and now you are in a position to do something for her. Using your child as an excuse is lame as kids move all the time and the only time it is really an issue is in HS.

Oh boo hoo, a grown woman is in another area because her husband who is the breadwinner is better able to support the family where they live. What sacrifice?

+1

All these posters talking about her sacrifices?

This woman moved to be with OP - after a week. She is the typical person who made an impulsive decision and now thinks everyone else should up root because she isn't happy with the consequences. OP was always upfront and honest about who he was and what he wanted from day 1. She made the CHOICE to move to the city, marry him, and have children with him. Now she isn't happy with the consequences and wants to change everything?

OP - you are not selfish. Your wife is just the typical idiot who makes poor choices and then requires everyone else clean up her mess. She is the selfish one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I haven’t read every response but I do t think you are a villain, OP; you’ve been very honest from the start. Moving to a tiny town would be a huge change, and not necessary; you can have the best of both worlds by buying a summer home in your wife’s hometown. I imagine it’s very affordable.

She’s a SAHM and can spend the whole summer there with the kids. You can be there on weekends, or even weeks at a time if that’s doable. You can stay there on school holidays, or at least your wife can go with the kids. Any weekend the kids don’t have activities you all (or just she and the kids) can hop in the car and drive there. Three hours away isn’t a terrible drive.

There’s your compromise; it’s reasonable, affordable, and practical. Done.

I would be careful about agreeing to having the wife/kids spend the summers in her former hometown while you stay behind in the city. It just sounds like a recipe for driving a wedge between you and your wife. Remember - she grew up in that town and went to school with many of the people that live there. Her family and childhood friends are all there. When she goes back to the town, it's like going home again. If she and the kids can live there the whole summer, why not go home every holiday and day off from school, too. In fact, why not just stay there year round - you can always fly in for visits, right?

Op, you have a nice family and it's important that you and your wife stick together. You have said from day one that you don't want to move to her small hometown. Don't do it. Find a compromise.