Wife wants to move from city to small hometown, I don't

[Anonymous]

My wife and I met 15 years ago. She lived 3 hours away in a small town, and I live in a big city, where I was born and raised. We chatted online for a few months and then she came to visit me. There was no immediate spark (for me anyway) and next thing she tells me she's moving to the city. I told her not to move here if it was for me. She said it wasn't. Her sister lived here and she wanted to be closer to her.

With her here we became close friends, which lead to other benefits, and 3 years later our friendship developed into a relationship.

Fast forward a couple of years and she starts talking about moving back home. I had a large business in the city, as well as my parents, so I said that moving wasn't an option for me. She'd suggest that I could just work remotely and come to the city every few weeks. Things got quite intense at one point, so I asked her to make a decision about the future. To stay here with me, or to move back home. She said she wants to be where I am.

Now that might sound selfish and all, but I was very established in the city, and she's from a very small town with a population of 8,000. To me, the idea of being so isolated and everybody knowing everybody makes me feel like I'd wither and die.

Every time we would come home from visiting her family she'd go into a low mood and talk about "if we lived there." It really takes a toll on me because it's so unsettling.

We now have 3 young children, with one in school, and it's come up again for her that she's really unhappy in the city and wants to move home to be closer to her sister and parents.

I sold my business 4 years ago, so I'm no longer tied to that, and I have started a new business that does not depend on me being in one place. Still, I'm only good at making small changes at a time, so uprooting our whole lives causes me so much anxiety.

She's been a SAHM for almost 8 years now and I've tried to encourage her to get involved in things in the community but she can be very negative, always with reasons about why things won't work. I on the other hand, despite my apprehension, have just joined Scouts with my son, as a youth leader, and I really love it.

I don't want there to be a winner and a loser in this situation. I don't want one of us to have be unhappy. I know I gave her the choice many years ago about our future, but I understand people change, especially when children arrive. I just don't know how I could make a compromise that will be happy for both of us. I really don't like the idea of "go try it and see how you like it" because it means taking my son out of his school and away from his friends, and then if we decide to come back we need to do it all again.

Help! Feel totally stuck!

[Anonymous]

Well, you are being pretty selfish. She's made sacrifices for you for years. And what have you sacrificed for her? Nothing.

Why not give it a shot?

Candidly, the way you describe your relationship is very telling. You make it sound like you did her a favor by marrying her, and since she knew what she was getting into she isn't allowed to complain.

[Anonymous]

Classic bait and switch.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to go somewhere neither have lived. Is there a town or small city that is halfway between?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, you are being pretty selfish. She's made sacrifices for you for years. And what have you sacrificed for her? Nothing.

Why not give it a shot?

Candidly, the way you describe your relationship is very telling. You make it sound like you did her a favor by marrying her, and since she knew what she was getting into she isn't allowed to complain.

He has been truthful to her. Exactly, what has she sacrificed for him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, you are being pretty selfish. She's made sacrifices for you for years. And what have you sacrificed for her? Nothing.

Why not give it a shot?

Candidly, the way you describe your relationship is very telling. You make it sound like you did her a favor by marrying her, and since she knew what she was getting into she isn't allowed to complain.

Huh? I didn’t read it that way at all. She had every chance to leave. She made that choice to stay in the city on her own. There was no “sacrifice.” It was a free and clear choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to go somewhere neither have lived. Is there a town or small city that is halfway between?

There's a larger town half way between with a population of 60,000. Better than 8,000 but still tiny compared to the city where there are 1.6 million people.

It's worth considering though as a compromise - OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, you are being pretty selfish. She's made sacrifices for you for years. And what have you sacrificed for her? Nothing.

Why not give it a shot?

Candidly, the way you describe your relationship is very telling. You make it sound like you did her a favor by marrying her, and since she knew what she was getting into she isn't allowed to complain.

What sacrifices? The woman stalked him and lied about it.

You know she didn't move to the city for the three years for her sister and if she mentioned her little hometown every time they went to visit - you can be absolutely sure she hated all three years it took for him to get into a relationship with her.

Kids are just leverage now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to go somewhere neither have lived. Is there a town or small city that is halfway between?

There's a larger town half way between with a population of 60,000. Better than 8,000 but still tiny compared to the city where there are 1.6 million people.

It's worth considering though as a compromise - OP

That at least might work. It'll still be a adjustment but you both get some of the 'community' feel you like.

[Anonymous]

Is her hometown still only three hours away? How often do you visit? Is there a way you could visit more often, either as a family or her alone?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to go somewhere neither have lived. Is there a town or small city that is halfway between?

There's a larger town half way between with a population of 60,000. Better than 8,000 but still tiny compared to the city where there are 1.6 million people.

It's worth considering though as a compromise - OP

Well, and it’s not just the size of the larger town. It’s about both of you starting off as newcomers. Neither will move into a place where you’ve grown up and lived.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to go somewhere neither have lived. Is there a town or small city that is halfway between?

There's a larger town half way between with a population of 60,000. Better than 8,000 but still tiny compared to the city where there are 1.6 million people.

It's worth considering though as a compromise - OP

Could you get a weekend home in the larger town half way between?

I wonder what her fantasy is of how life would be if she moved "home" though. Does she think she'd get childcare help from her family? Are her parents getting up in age and want her help and she wants to help them? Does she have anxiety about using mass transit at night where you are now? Does she secretly feel insecure in the city among very accomplished people and think she'll feel better about herself in a small town? These are all issues to explore before moving back there.

I wish you'd posted in the winter - I would have suggested getting a summer house to see how that goes.

[Anonymous]

Most people want to make their spouse happy (and that's the "no duh" secret to a happy marriage). Apparently you don't. You simply want your spouse to make you happy. That's the definition of selfish.

No need to move, op. I'm sure she'll reach her breaking point, file for custody, and take the kids. Then I'm sure you will be back here kvetching about paying child support...and complaining about dating. I wonder how you'll feel when your kids complain about visiting you in the city...and when they start calling some other guy "Dad."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most people want to make their spouse happy (and that's the "no duh" secret to a happy marriage). Apparently you don't. You simply want your spouse to make you happy. That's the definition of selfish.

No need to move, op. I'm sure she'll reach her breaking point, file for custody, and take the kids. Then I'm sure you will be back here kvetching about paying child support...and complaining about dating. I wonder how you'll feel when your kids complain about visiting you in the city...and when they start calling some other guy "Dad."

You are way out of line. This women knew she didn't want to live in the city, classic bait and switch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is her hometown still only three hours away? How often do you visit? Is there a way you could visit more often, either as a family or her alone?

Because we have our son in school it's really only practical to go in the school holidays, so we'd visit maybe 5 times a year for a week at a time ( I don't usually stay the full week, except over Christmas.) - OP

4-5 weeks a year staying with her Mum sounds like a lot though doesn't it?