Reply to my wife's thin skin

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]If you want practical advice, here is what I suggest:

Start biting your tongue.  Before you disagree with her about something or criticize something, take a minute to ask yourself whether it's necessary.  Because, as was said earlier, the problem might not be your comment about the chair, per se, but about the fact that you are constantly disagreeing, criticizing, and carping about every little thing.  You enjoy discussion and debate, but it's exhausting and demoralizing to live with someone who never agrees with you, who never just likes something, who always has some point they need to make.  Sometimes, you just have to let shit go.

Even when you disagree, try to identify common ground and make your disagreement constructive.  "I really like the color of that chair, but it's not very comfortable.  What about this style or this style, in that color?"  Again, it's not constructive if you just say no, but don't offer alternatives. It's just more work for her.  Or "I'm sure you're going to get the hang of driving really quickly, but I would feel better if you didn't drive the kids right away.  Maybe I'm being paranoid, but would you mind humoring me?"

Be careful about your tone and manner.  You might want dialogue, but if you're speaking in strong, declarative sentences, or a dismissive manner, you're actually shutting the conversation down.

And look for ways to encourage, agree with, and praise your wife.  If she feels constantly criticized, one result of that is that she will feel like you don't really like her, trust her, or value her, that she's just not good enough for you. 
 You have to show that you do and she is.  [/quote]

With respect to the driving, I began the discussion by telling her that I would not feel comfortable driving in her country, with the kids, unless I did some practice first. In other words, I took the focus away from her, and put the focus on the situation: a driver getting acclimated to a new driving environment. I don't think I could have expressed the end in a more gentle manner.

I will take your advice with respect to biting my tongue for lesser issues. I'll give it a shot -- although I'm not challenging her on the little things. In my view, I've focused only on the big things: the kid's safety, a couple of major furniture items, etc.. But maybe I can bite my tongue even more. I'll try. I'll do what it takes to get over this hump and get the gears turning again.[/quote]

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