my wife's thin skin

[Anonymous]

She is the bio mother. First wife.

I've been in a number of long-term relationships and have not run into this particular problem. I'm happy with my marriage, but frustrated that my wife leaves me with little room to have a different opinion. If our opinions differ, my wife seems to take it as an insult.

I enjoy discussions and debates and differences of opinion -- it makes life more interesting, and can make a relationship more fun. But my wife would prefer, I think, that she and I move in complete unison. This simply isn't possible. There are no two human beings who so precisely align

.


OP - what kind of debate and discussion would you have liked to see about the driving? I think you're hell bent on not being wrong. Even when you acquiesce, you say "I'll bite my tongue more" instead of realizing you're wrong. but seriously, play out how you think your driving example would have been a good "discussion with a difference of opinion" as you think these should have been.


I really think here's the bottom line. You "not letting" her drive is you treating her like a child and its insulting. How about - "you're still making big driving mistakes. I'm not comfortable with you driving our kids. Can we talk about it?" For all you know, she could have responded with "I'm nervous about that too. what do you suggest" Or "I'm nervous about that too - I've been practicing on my own and I think I'm almost ready"

But YOU are the one that wasn't open to a discussion of different opinions. YOU decided and informed her of your decision.


The furniture thing? like so many on here have said, when one person spends hours and hours looking and shows their partner - it's frustrating when the partner dismisses it. It's happened to all of us and I, too, have told my husband - Then you shop around and present ME with your options and I'll either approve or deny them. And I am FAR from thin-skinned. So, I don't think that's a good example of being thin skinned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can someone give a good example of what the wife ought to say? Assuming that she likes the chair and isn’t interested in doing any additional shopping, what is a reasonable response to her DH saying that he doesn’t like the chair and wants to shop together?

"I honestly thought you would like it. Anyway, I am tired of searching, and I am going to buy it. I told you I was searching earlier, and you waited this long for your input. You should let me know your preference earlier next time."
"Stop whining and do it yourself next time or offer suggestions earlier rather than criticize all the effort I have put in."

I have used these, but it is easy for me to say these because my husband knows exactly what I am talking about.

Sometimes, if the issue/purchase is more important to him than it is to me I indulge his complaints and try to figure out what he wants.

Is this what you would prefer, OP? Are you mostly upset that she doesn’t stand up for herself and her decision? I got the impression that you were mostly upset that she didn’t do what you wanted to do and go shopping together, but this changes my thinking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

She is the bio mother. First wife.

I really think here's the bottom line. You "not letting" her drive is you treating her like a child and its insulting. How about - "you're still making big driving mistakes. I'm not comfortable with you driving our kids. Can we talk about it?"

I used the strategy that you are describing, almost exactly. Even more gently. But it didn't work. She was offended.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

She is the bio mother. First wife.

I really think here's the bottom line. You "not letting" her drive is you treating her like a child and its insulting. How about - "you're still making big driving mistakes. I'm not comfortable with you driving our kids. Can we talk about it?"

I used the strategy that you are describing, almost exactly. Even more gently. But it didn't work. She was offended.

OP - you actually said, "Can we talk about this?" and her response was... "I'm never driving the kids again!!"

Now I don't believe you.

[Anonymous]

OP, I dont know why everyone is piling on you. Your wife sounds insufferable. I had this dynamic with my husband. We did therapy together. Basically he grew up with hyper critical parents so would go on the attack when he felt criticized. by ramping up the stakes in this way- by escalating a small thing into a big thing---'fine, I'll never do/ask for X/Y/Z again!" he was essentially shutting me down and punishing me daring to have a difference of opinion and putting ME on the defensive so he wouldn't have to be. THere were times I would say "Im upset that you did X, or I was disappointed that..." about a specific thing and his response was "Yes, I'm a horrible husband and a total failure, blah blah blah." And the conversation would rapidly go from me being annoyed or upset by something he did and trying to express it to me having to defend myself or saying "you're not a horrible husband I didn't say anything like that, etc."
y.

I once removed a piece of cheese from a plate he put out for company because I saw that it had some mold on the side and I had also bought some nice cheese that was't on it and he took it as criticism of his..i dunno...cheese plating abilities and stormed out of the house.

The other twist for us was that while he was hyper sensitive to perceived criticism from me, he actually had no issue being totally blunt with me when he was the one with a difference of opinon. I still remember when I said something and he interjected loudly "WRONG-O" and I thought--wow, if I ever did even one tenth the amount of straight out disagreement he would freak out.

Fortunately we did some therapy around communication. I understood his triggers and tried to find ways to convey my disagreements, etc, without it being so hard for him, but he also learned to hear what i was saying and considering it before reacting to some primal sense of being attacked. He also learned to take some time to consider what I was saying and what was an appropriate response...

There are still shades of this--I am super careful about how I express difference--but we are in a better place. We did do therapy though.

[Anonymous]

I don't buy it either.

You probably felt you were gentle but you were being condescending and argumentative. You probably harped on and on about driving mistakes and she exploded and responded I'm never driving them again.

In the end, if she is a bad driver she shouldn't be driving the kids around. Great if she never drives them again

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can someone give a good example of what the wife ought to say? Assuming that she likes the chair and isn’t interested in doing any additional shopping, what is a reasonable response to her DH saying that he doesn’t like the chair and wants to shop together?

"I honestly thought you would like it. Anyway, I am tired of searching, and I am going to buy it. I told you I was searching earlier, and you waited this long for your input. You should let me know your preference earlier next time."
"Stop whining and do it yourself next time or offer suggestions earlier rather than criticize all the effort I have put in."

I have used these, but it is easy for me to say these because my husband knows exactly what I am talking about.

Sometimes, if the issue/purchase is more important to him than it is to me I indulge his complaints and try to figure out what he wants.

I feel like I can relate to this dynamic. I'm a researcher by nature. By the time I pick something out, I've probably spent a really long time looking at all the alternatives and selected that one particular option for a laundry list of good reasons. I also get really mad when dh steps in at the last minute and says he doesn't like something. It's usually done in a way that is essentially dismissive. If he said something thoughtful, like "I'm okay with the color but I don't think it's comfortable", that I can work with. It's when he says out of hand he doesn't like it and wants to look more that I could easily see myself reacting like op's wife. I'm done looking, if he wants to look more, he can, but I'm done. I suspect that may be some of what's happening with the op, and I think in op's shoes I would keep the driving issue seperate from that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife recently asked me if I liked a particular piece of furniture she is considering. I wasn't fond of it and asked her if we could consider alternatives. Instead of exploring alternatives, she stopped looking altogether, and told me that I can just pick what I want, since "you don't like my choices". Well, that kind of spoils the fun of looking for furniture if we can't do it together.

Another example ... my wife didn't drive for many years, before we met. She lived downtown and simply didn't need a car. Recently, however, she started to drive again. Because her driving skills were rusty, I asked her to drive solo for a few weeks, without our kids in the car, in order to get the hang of it again. I should also add that she had never driven in the USA before (she is from another country). I didn't want our kids at risk while she went through the learning process. But after acclimating to USA roads, she told me she never wants to drive with the kids in the car, in order to avoid causing a fight with me.

There are countless similar examples. It is so damn frustrating. Her attitude makes it impossible for us to have any discussion unless our opinions align precisely.

Has anybody been in this situation? Did you find a remedy? If so, please share your approach.

I'm one of the pp's who gets where your wife is coming from. Just saying "I'm not fond of it" is useless information to her. You've rejected her choice, but given her no feedback to work with in looking at other things. You could have asked her what she liked about it. You could have figured out what elements of the furniture you did like, and what elements of the furniture you didn't like. How did you feel about the color? The style? The price? Having her do all the legwork, and then you simply accepting or dismissing her choices without explanation does not count as "doing it together". It's making her do all the work, and you are acting like the final decision maker. I totally get why she shut down after that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife recently asked me if I liked a particular piece of furniture she is considering. I wasn't fond of it and asked her if we could consider alternatives. Instead of exploring alternatives, she stopped looking altogether, and told me that I can just pick what I want, since "you don't like my choices". Well, that kind of spoils the fun of looking for furniture if we can't do it together.

Another example ... my wife didn't drive for many years, before we met. She lived downtown and simply didn't need a car. Recently, however, she started to drive again. Because her driving skills were rusty, I asked her to drive solo for a few weeks, without our kids in the car, in order to get the hang of it again. I should also add that she had never driven in the USA before (she is from another country). I didn't want our kids at risk while she went through the learning process. But after acclimating to USA roads, she told me she never wants to drive with the kids in the car, in order to avoid causing a fight with me.

There are countless similar examples. It is so damn frustrating. Her attitude makes it impossible for us to have any discussion unless our opinions align precisely.

Has anybody been in this situation? Did you find a remedy? If so, please share your approach.

I'm one of the pp's who gets where your wife is coming from. Just saying "I'm not fond of it" is useless information to her. You've rejected her choice, but given her no feedback to work with in looking at other things. You could have asked her what she liked about it. You could have figured out what elements of the furniture you did like, and what elements of the furniture you didn't like. How did you feel about the color? The style? The price? Having her do all the legwork, and then you simply accepting or dismissing her choices without explanation does not count as "doing it together". It's making her do all the work, and you are acting like the final decision maker. I totally get why she shut down after that.

Yes! THIS IS how you start the back and forth conversation that you want.

[Anonymous]

^^Wtf? In a partnership, if one person says “I’m not fond of that,” the reasonable response is to ask “why not”? And then to stay in the discussion so both partners understand what each likes. It’s completely immature to respond “well then I’m not participating.” This doesn’t appear to be a situation where the DW has spent months doing research only to be sit down by an uninvolved DH. And if that situation were occurring, the mature response would be, “I’m feeling frustrated. . . “. Not “do it yourself.

And I’m a woman, btw. One who finds most of the DWs posting here to sound exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^Wtf? In a partnership, if one person says “I’m not fond of that,” the reasonable response is to ask “why not”? And then to stay in the discussion so both partners understand what each likes. It’s completely immature to respond “well then I’m not participating.” This doesn’t appear to be a situation where the DW has spent months doing research only to be sit down by an uninvolved DH. And if that situation were occurring, the mature response would be, “I’m feeling frustrated. . . “. Not “do it yourself.

And I’m a woman, btw. One who finds most of the DWs posting here to sound exhausting.

In theory, " I am feeling frustrated would be the mature response." If we are talking about a couch, forget it. I am not wasting anymore time on that. I am buying what I have spent way too mch time researching. We decided we were buying a couch, he gave me the green light to start looking. I looked and I found. I buy. It's that simple. He doesn't get to come in at the end and crap on my choice. Now if he offers to take over and find another couch, that's fine as well.

Now if we are discussing buying a house, then I go with the "I am feeling frustrated discussion."(And this one happened to us too)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^Wtf? In a partnership, if one person says “I’m not fond of that,” the reasonable response is to ask “why not”? And then to stay in the discussion so both partners understand what each likes. It’s completely immature to respond “well then I’m not participating.” This doesn’t appear to be a situation where the DW has spent months doing research only to be sit down by an uninvolved DH. And if that situation were occurring, the mature response would be, “I’m feeling frustrated. . . “. Not “do it yourself.

And I’m a woman, btw. One who finds most of the DWs posting here to sound exhausting.

In my house, the "why not?" usually gets a shoulder shrug. OP describes his wife doing all the legwork as his idea of "shopping together", so I suspect he would be similar.

[Anonymous]

Does your wife have primary responsibility for your kids? Kids are enough of a tug of war. All day long you have to explain why sleep, veggies, why you said no etc. Maybe all her time for dialogue and debate is used on them. It's easier to just let you have your way than deal with your constant nagging, one upping and criticizing too. I'm sure the kids take queues from you. By the time you start critiquing and wanting to discuss she has had her full and explodes. I see nothing wrong with saying "...then you do it."

I had to learn this myself. I didn't like the way my spouse cared for the kids. He backed off and checked out. I was resentful. I was basically making myself a martyr. Unless you want tond o the work yourself you keep your mouth shut.

I give this advice regardless of gender. Not everything requires a 2 person decision. Then nothing would get done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't buy it either.

You probably felt you were gentle but you were being condescending and argumentative. You probably harped on and on about driving mistakes and she exploded and responded I'm never driving them again.

In the end, if she is a bad driver she shouldn't be driving the kids around. Great if she never drives them again

She is not a bad driver. OP is a perfectionist, and he thinks that she is based on his standards. Unfortunately, perfectionist types do not mesh well with sensitive types(they think they do, but it's just piled up resentment waiting to explode.)

She needs to grow some skin and call out his BS. He is not necessary a condescending and argumentative guy. He needs to be reminded to reign it in when he takes it too far.

[Anonymous]

"I don't care to engage", I don't care", "you do it" are all legit answers. You have no control over her actions.